You spent how much on what???

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.

Stupid Blogger Text Box!!!

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry. I selected all the text once I was finished to copy what I had written so that if something happened to it during publishing, I would be able to paste it again. Okay, so I practice my keyboard shortcut knowledge. Stupid, I know. Not the time to be practicing stuff. But it seemed simple enough! Press SELECT and press the down arrow key, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. NOPE! Not on Blogger! Instead (and I just tested it on this box of text... after copying it the way I know how first) it erases everything!!! What the heck!

GRRR!!! Now what happened??? I was in the middle of typing and something randomly erased the last thing I typed! Ok... I'm going to work on my illustration now! Oh, yeah. No one reading this knows what that means or where it came from because that entry is now gone. I'm so aggrivated right now! Stupid technology!

Got milk? No, actually... I don't.

This is the first time I've ever had to drink my tea without milk. The honey is there, but there is no milk present because I've not had the chance to go to Konover to get some. It's hard to keep up on every little thing when you're at college. Whatever. I've still got my tea, and even though it tastes strange without its cool, white companion, I think I'll manage. I must learn to cope with things that don't always go my way. Not always will I have the things I desire at my fingertips, but then again, they are just my desires. They are not necessities (sp?).

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get back to work on my illustration project and I've been slacking on it all night. I want to get some sleep before tomorrow's math test, but that won't happen until this drawing gets done.

Woo hoo! Tomorrow's Thursday, my favorite day of the week! And for additional reasons this time...

I Wasn't Ready

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.

An Answer to Prayer

Now listening to the Flyleaf album. I really like this band. It's not often I come across music on my own that I both enjoy the style and lyrics. And the melodies are very catchy. I also like the guitar riffs. Anyways...

I noticed last night that I haven't been having the wierd body spasms when I try to sleep. For some time over the summer I would start to fall asleep and randomly, without warning, my body would shake. It started out very small a couple years ago and only happened once in a while when I would get very sleepy. It was more common on the nights that I was pushing myself to stay awake. When I started twitching, I knew it was time to go to sleep. Eventually, these twitches went away, but started happening again over this past summer. They actually started scaring me when they prevented me from sleeping. That only occurred that badly a few times, but when it did, I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired. Everytime I would start to fall asleep, my body would spasm so hard I was forced to stay awake.

One of those bad nights happened once while I was back here at school. I was so afraid it was going to stay that way during the year. Then last night, I became aware that I haven't been twitching at all lately. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but I'm very happy that it hasn't been a problem. I don't know if the spasms will start up again in the future, but for now I just need to try to go to bed at decent times, or at least not pull all nighters anymore.

I really don't know why it stopped. I know I had prayed about it before, but I have a feeling someone else was praying for me, too. Praise God for his faithfulness! Praise be to His glorious name! I am ever so more convinced that God answers prayer, especially when they are from the heart.

A Curly-Hair Day

It's kind of rainy outside right now. It is not actually raining, but the ground is wet and the sky is pale and overcast, suggesting that more rain will come. I am not even going to attempt straightening my hair today. Not that straightening my hair is that important to me. I just like to do it once in a while, but the weather somethings decides whether or not I should. Today is a curly-hair day. Some girls would call it a frizzy-hair day. The moisture in the air makes it difficult to do anything with one's hair, especially if hairspray is not involved. I don't like to use hairspray. I have hairspray but...

Today will be a curly-frizzy-hair day.

Chelsea just got out of the shower. We're listening to music this morning. We listened to it all night, a shuffled list of songs that kept playing up until now. And it is still going. Ah... music. It's so nice. The Wallflowers are serenading us for the moment. On top of a good morning, it is a Thursay morning, so we know that the weekend is very near. Not only that, but it begins as soon as our last class is over today, at 3:20. "It's Friday!" Chelsea exclaimed this morning. I pumped my fist in joy. Okay, time to get ready for Illustrastion class.

Dot...dot...dot...

So Wonderful Is Nothing

You were created.
Wonderfully.
And you are.
Wonderful.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.
Come home.
So I can stop.
Missing you.
I know you.
Have not been gone.
For too long.

But still.
You are.
Wonderful.
And I miss.
You.
And think nothing.
Blah!
For now.

My eyes.
Are just blue.
Crystals.
For you.
To look through.
And you know.
So well.
What goes on.
In there.

And what.
Was this?
Typeface.
Who bid farewell?
Upon arrival.
Very well.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.

Billy and Susie

He waved a pickle in my face, and so I scrunched up my nose in disgust. With a laugh he drew it back and popped it in his mouth. Why does he do that? I wondered. I don't taunt him with the things he hates, like the color pink. I'd had enough of his insensitivity. I pushed my back in my chair to leave. I wasn't hungry anyway. Billy's expression suddenly became one of concern.

"Wait," he said.
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
"I..." he trailed off.

I could see he was searching for the words to say. But I was fed up and didn't feel like waiting around for his apology. I rolled my eyes and headed for the door, but something prevented me from moving forward. He had grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him, tugging to get away, but he held me firmly. His eyes were fixed on mine. I had never seen that look on him before, and so I stopped struggling. As I sat back down, he pushed my chair in like a gentleman, which was something else I would never expect from him.

"I'm sorry, Susie," he said. "Really."
"Then why do you act that way?" I asked skeptically.
"I just..." he trailed off again.
"Tell me! You just what?"
"I just didn't want you to find out that I..." He looked down, as if contemplating. He looked up and retuned his gazed to my eyes. "...that I really like you."

It took a moment for me to process this new information. Then I said, "Yeah, okay! Pull that on some other girl. One who's a little more naive. Now let go of me!" Without waiting for his response, I jerked my arm out of his grasp and ran out the door.

I heard a commotion behind me. Billy had tried to follow, but the waitress started yelling at him for not paying the bill. I found out later that two bus-boys had tackled him before he made it to the door, and that a woman's table had gotten knocked over, spilling food all over.

That same woman, I heard, had gotten hot coffee spilt on her and sued the diner for making the coffee too hot. She also sued the company that made the styrofoam cup the coffee was in, claiming the top was not made to fit right (and that's why the coffee spilled in the first place). She also sued the company who made the table she was sitting at because the table was not made sturdy enough to withstand three men falling onto it, and that caused her food to crash to the floor, splattering her in the eyes. In addition to suing the diner for making the coffee too hot, she sued them for not making the food right, and for making it too splatter-prone.

I had a nice evening once I left that diner.

Thursday To Be the New Friday?

It's been a while since I've updated, I know. Actually, I probably won't be updating that much in the near future. I'm back at school, the University of Hartford, and with school comes much work, as well as social time with friends. I am in my dorm room right now, just got back from my illustration class. Soon I'll be off to Gengras Student Union for lunch with my amazing roommate, Chelsea. Then we'll be off to math class. Blah...

Well, since my last update a lot has happened, but I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I got to move back in earlier than most people because I volunteered to be one of Howie's Helpers. Howie is the mascot of our school, a hawk. Howie's Helpers is the name of the move-in crew that helps freshmen and their parents unload their cars when they move in and bring their stuff to where they are staying. It was quite rainy that weekend.

The first week of classes was fairly easy as we were introduced to new teachers and each of their syllabuses. My Tuesday night honors class, I realized, was going to be way over my head, and so I dropped it as soon as possible and added another course. Now I'm in Adult Journey with Chels.

It's kind of funny, me and Chels being art majors living together. On Tuesdays now we have every class together: Illustration, Math, and Adult Journey. Thursday is the same thing, only without Adult Journey because it meets once a week. On Mondays and Wednesdays we have all different classes, but they meet at the exact same times. It's nice that way because we'll be less likely to get sick of each other.

Anyways, today is Thursday. Thursday has always been my favorite day of the week, and now it is even more so. Why? Because I don't have Friday classes! Woo Hoo! Now, Thursday becomes the beginning of my weekend and Friday is just like another Saturday. So, in a sense, Thursday is my new Friday. Actually, a lot of my friends don't have classes on Friday.

Now I can work as late as I want and not have to worry about waking up early. Or I can go to bed early and wake up at a decent time to start homework. OR I can just stay up, hang out with friends, go to bed really late without doing work, and sleep in. Whatever.

Well, by now I've already gone to GSU for lunch with Chels, and have come back from math class. And so my weekend begins!

A Little Look At Love

[This entry took me a while to finish, but here it is. Inspired by the many AIM and facebook profiles I've read.]

I wish people wouldn't use the word "love" so loosely. Love is more than just a strong liking for something or someone. Even the main definitions from dictionary.com seems empty when it comes to love. Or at least I'm a bit disappointed by it.


1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

I've seen enough relationships throughout high school to learn a few things. A love-hate relationship where a boy and girl do nothing but fight, break-up, have sex, and get back together is not a real relationship at all. It becomes a physical and emotional game, leaving both parties confused, numbed to actual love, or empty with only a temporary solution, which in most cases is a physical, sexual one. Or perhaps they have become so accustomed to having a boyfriend/girlfriend that they just don't know what to do with themselves when they are apart.

So I ask you, how is that love? Isn't love supposed to leave you feeling satisfied always, full of joy and peace, and without anxiety? I don't understand relationships that seem to be going so well that the couple says how much they love one another... every five minutes. They are always together, never spending time with friends anymore. Because suddenly, this other person is more important than school, family, friends, and other priorites. They spend every waking moment together. It's almost sickening. But they "love" each other. They care about one another. So much so that they must constantly be aware of where the other one is going.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Then before they part for the expected two minutes, they embrace and kiss. Upon return, "I missed you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The word love loses its meaning and it becomes just that... a word. Eventually, one party starts to feel suffocated by the perpetual outward affections, which aren't affections at all but insecurities. It becomes too much and that person misses his or her friends and family. And college is right around the corner. How can there be a relationship that involves so much time and still be time for school work? Eventually, there is break-up. The party receiving the news of separation can react in a few ways. They might fall into a depression, a stage of self-pity. There is suddenly no one else on the earth who will love him/her. They have nothing. Or perhaps they go into a state of anger and accusation against the person who did the breaking up. Where did the love go? I thought you guys couldn't get enough of each other. Now, you're yelling and screaming, saying how much you hate each other. Or maybe the broken-hearted party spreads the aweful break-up to friends, looking for comfort in other people, and for them to take sides and believe that he/she has truly been wronged.

These are just examples, of course. But they are based on much of what I have seen in relationships today. Where is the love? Is it really loving someone if you are afraid they might fall down the stairs every time they go to the kitchen for a drink? And is it really loving them if you can't let them out of your sight for a second?

What about those girls who see a "hot" guy and instantly "fall in love" with him? Sure, you can find someone attractive, maybe be infatuated with their smile and cool clothing style, but that isn't love. THAT is what I might call a strong like. Liking can be temporary. It is not love. Or what about the guys who drool over the models in magazines. They fall in love with a girl's body, rather than the girl. How easy it is for a guy to tell a girl he loves her with words. Yeah, maybe he thinks she's a nice girl with a cute face, but her body isn't as appealing as that other girl's. And he doesn't really agree with her ideas about saving the rain forest.

But girls can be the same way. I've had a lot of girl friends who judge guys based on their looks or talents. "Oh, I don't like him. He has a big nose." Or "He's so scrawny and has no muscle. And his teeth are crooked! Gross!" Or "I like him. He has a nice car!" Or "He's so cool! He's in a band. He plays guitar and drums and he has awesome piercings!" Or the most repulsive form of judgement, "I bet he has a big dick! Just look at his feet!" Blah blah blah... It's all garbage. NOT love. I don't even think it's considerate or caring of people in anyway to decide whether you even like them or not. Again, where is the love? Do you even get a vibe from people like this that says love? Or does it say infatuation?

As far as sexual passion, sexual intercourse, or a love affair being an equivallent to love, as mentioned in the above definitions, I must disagree. Sure, there can be passion in sex. It's in movies and on tv all the time. And certainly sexual intercourse itself is the act of a man and woman (or what have you) coming together to... have sex. But to have sex does not mean love is present. The phrase "make love" is a more romantic way of saying to have sex, but you can't actually make love out of sex.

Do the men who pay for prostitutes actually love them? And do the prostitutes truly love the clients they sleep with? Just the fact that they are clients, people who pay them for a service, just shows that for them sex is a business. (I'm not putting down prostitutes. I feel horrible for what they go through every day. I wish they didn't have to sell themselves like they do.) And the pimps who sell them don't love them. Not really. It's all about money. "Oh, you have a vagina, do you? Why don't you use it to make me some money, and maybe I'll give you a place to stay." How horrible that is! That is not love! That is possession! It is abusing something that was meant to be precious.

I don't think I even need to explain a love affair. I can assure you that having an affair might work out for the one in it, but the one being cheated on sure isn't feeling the love. And when things boil down, no one is left happy. There is only mistrust and hurt, maybe separation and divorce. These things do not come from real love.

"An intense emotional attachment..." I don't know about you, but that seems more like a definition for obsession. Sure, I care about my pets. I could even go as far as to say I love them. They are part of the family. But when it comes to real love, they are still just animals. And of course I hope nothing bad happens to them. When driving, I avoid hitting squirrels at all costs. It hurts my heart to hear how some people treat animals. Animal cruelty really gets to me. And maybe is it just that I care deeply for the living things God put on this earth. If it is love, it certainly is a different kind. But I shall not get into that, either. This topic of love is all to broad. But I know that to love material items is not real love. Things cannot satisfy the heart, nor can people. But people, in my opinion, have a better chance at filling the void in someone's life than animals or things do. Aah! Moving on... this entry is getting way to long!

My impression of love is something that should be unconditional. Like the way a parent loves a child. (That is an entirely different topic I will not discuss here and now. I know not all parents show love toward their children, but for my point's sake, consider the traditional family set up if you would.) To truly care about someone is to let them be themselves, forgive them when they do wrong, help them in their times of need. It should be an outward and inward act more than an emotional feeling or attraction one gets toward someone. Even my own interpretation of it is bothering me here. So I shall turn to the most reliable of my sources. A book that is so simple and so profound that it can be looked to for all of life's questions and concerns. And it comes from the Creator Himself. Bible time!

Some passages I found involving love:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:9-16)

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1Corinthians 13:1-8)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13:13)

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1John 2:15-17)

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death... This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1John 3:14, 16-18)

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us... And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1John 4:7-12, 16-21)

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
(Joel 2:13)

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Proverbs 17:9)

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17)

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
(Proverbs 27:5)

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
(Solomon's Song 2:7)

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
(Solomon's Song 8:6-7)

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
(Hosea 2:7)

The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, "You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you."
(Hosea 3:1-3)

Again I must tell you this is a very broad topic. There are different kinds of love. Love for a spouse, love for friends, love for family, love for God. But all these things come from the Lord. God is love, and therefore we are able to love. So when I hear people use the word love so carelessly, it takes away the realness of it. I see the their profiles and whatnot. Things like, "I love to get drunk!" Or "Steve, I love you, baby!" A week later it is replaced by "Steve's an asshole. I love Brian!" And how it hurts me to hear kids tell their parents they hate them. To say you love someone is simply verbal. To act upon love is something better. And I don't mean to act upon sexual urges, for even that is not the essence of love. Well, the Bible is pretty clear on what love is and how we must love and who we must love. These have been my thoughts on the matter.

Peace and...love!

My First Road Adventure Driving Standard

Ah! I have bug bites on my toes. They itch. Bug bites must be the most satisfying things to scratch next to chicken pox. To be itchy... such a strange feeling. I know I shouldn't scratch, but I do anyway. To irritate it by scratching is actually remedying my discomfort. No, I don't like getting bitten by these pests of summer, nor do I like the itching sensation associated with them. But if I'm gonna get bit and itchy, I might as well use a "cure for the itch". (Yeah, that's the title to a Linkin Park song.) Anyways...

I slept in this morning, until about 11:20. In all that time I was sleeping, I was dreaming as well. It amazes me how many different dreams I can have in one night, only to remember a select few. And even the ones I remember fade almost as soon as I wake.

One dream left me stranded in Rocky Hill, or so I thought it was Rocky Hill. I think I was at a party on one side of town, while Adam's house was on the other side. I didn't know where I was or where Adam was, but for some reason I had his car. As I crossed the parking lot- which looked like that of a gas station- and left the brick building where the party had been, I came to Adam's little silver Civic. I knew I couldn't stay and that I had to find my way back to his house, but I was scared. I couldn't call him for some reason. So I mustered up what courage I had and started the car.

[Adam drives a standard in real life and that is what it was in the dream. I do not know how to drive standard except for what Adam has taught me so far: how to start the car, how to start moving (which is the hardest part) in first gear, and how to shift into second and third. By no means am I ready to drive on the roads in real life.]

Back to the dream. I started the car, backed out of the parking space, and prepared to move forward. Everything seemed to go smoothly in the dream. No jerking or stalling, but I had trouble shifting because I couldn't see the shift stick. So I had to rely on my knowledge of where each gear was and feel what I was doing. I got out onto the road where the lanes were abnormally wide. It was night time so there wasn't too much traffic, but still enough to make me nervous.

I didn't shift into second until part way down the road when I realized I had forgotten. The RPM gauge was on the five by the time I shifted to second. Everything went smoothly. It didn't even feel like I had to switch between gas and clutch like Indiana Jones (inside metaphor used by me and Adam). Each transition was quick and easy. But when it came to shifting into third gear, I had trouble because I couldn't see if I was pushing the stick over too much or to little. By the time I got it figured out, I was coming to a red light and had to slow to a stop anyways.

I pushed in the clutch, breaked, and shifted back to first gear. I was almost completely stopped, but the light turned green and I was moving again. Back into second gear. I decided to turn onto some side roads, waiting for something to look familiar. Nothing did. I managed to get up some small hills in second gear. I don't really know what that means or if it's possible. I have yet to learn what gears to use in certain situations. Well, as lost as I was in the dream, I felt quite good about my first road adventure driving standard.

Eventually, I was back on the main street, driving in one of the many lanes. There were mostly green lights all the way down. Then for some reason, one of my youth leaders, Pastor Chris, was walking around in the middle of the street in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet. He was smiling contently as I slowed down to see what he was doing. I was suddenly outside the car, talking to him, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Then it kind of ended. The dream, I mean.

The funny thing, though, is that during that dream there was another completely different dream going on. So there were two dreams sort of interlaced. I don't really remember what the other dream was about, something with my friends at a party I think. Anyways, the way it worked was that I would be in one dream for a little while, then randomly switch to the other and pick up exactly where I left off. Kind of like a movie or show where you get to see what's going on in two differnt places at the same time. Kind of a two-in-one dream.

The dream following those took place in my room. My friend, Wayne, came to visit me. He came to see how I was doing because we haven't reallly hung out all summer. He also came to get a CD that I had borrowed from his dad, which reminded me that he still had a CD and a book of mine. So I gave him back was was his, and we went out to his car to get what was mine. Then we went back to my room. I went to sit on my bed but somehow miscalcutated where the edge was and fell on the floor. We both laughed and laughed and laughed, until the dream ended soon after. I woke up thinking it was 3PM, but it was only eleven something. I was reminded by the dream that I have to call Wayne because he actually does have my stuff.

Dreams are wierd.

The Motherland (and I don't care if it's two words; this is my story)

I'm working on a really big entry at the moment (well, not THIS very moment, but it's a work in progress). It will still be a while before I get it up, and so in the meantime, and while I'm lacking the motivation to go to bed at this hour, I have decided to post this entry to keep you loyal blog checkers entertained. Though, it is rather ridiculous.

The Motherland

The motherland! She is coming from a far away place. She has unhinged herself from the borders of soil and rock, and she is escaping to the freedom where we reside. But the waters are tricky, they are. Will they allow her to float, or will she sink like nickles tossed to the fountains?

Behold! She is running swiftly, skipping over the seas in great triumph. And you might ask yourself, How might a land mass be running over the sea, or running at all for that matter? I tell you she was well prepared over the centuries, plotting her course. The motherland is alive and well! And so she has sprung the apendages needed for such a journey.

Cross the seas so blue she comes. We see her now in the distance, growing larger in our perception. She is oh so lovely! We have flowers ready for her arrival. She is nearly here! Motherland, I have missed you! I shout these things to her as she nears the shore.

She will be staying here with our new homeland. We know they will be friends. We have discussed it before. She will be free, and she will be together with us once more. And now she is upon the shore!

But wait! She was not to keep going passed the ocean's edge, but I understand her wanting, her sense of adventure. I gaze up at you, my motherland, full of birds and beasts, full of fruit and farm land. How awesome your size! You have come now to be with us! Oh, motherland, you tower above me! And what massively jagged feet you have!

*SQUISH!*

end

Yeah, I'm tired now. Good night.

Please Fogive Us

Now listening to "If We Are the Body" by Casting Crowns. I really like this song. It speaks truth. The chorus is this:

But If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing
them there is a way?

I heard something yesterday that really hurt my heart. Someone my mom knows used to be very involved in the Catholic church and actually worked for it. He's a good person and believes in God, but he has trouble with structured religion now. Back when he was with the church, he messed up. Just like we all do. No one is perfect, right? Anyways, something happened when he was in high school. He got a girl pregnant. He didn't want her to get an abortion, so she didn't. He went to his priest to tell him what happened. Instead of responding with love in a hard situation, the church turned him away and fired him. Though he messed up, wouldn't you agree that he did the right thing by being honest with the priest, who was supposed to be his friend, and not letting his girlfriend get an abortion?

How can God's kingdom grow if we don't show love toward people? I'm just as much a sinner as the next person. Instead of condemning teenage girls for getting pregnant, or the guys who get them pregnant, we should be willing still to show them love and help them if we can. I'm not saying I agree with the wrong decisions people make that are displeasing to God (I've had my share of bad choices, too), but if our reaction to it is negative to the point where they are turned off to God, how does that help them? It certainly isn't glorifying to God. Jesus was surrounded by some horrible people when He came to preach the Good News, but he loved them anyways. Of course, we will never be fully like Jesus, for it is harder for us to forgive people who hurt us, or to love our enemies. We are a flawed people. We lie, cheat, steal, hate, lust, and worship the world. We give into the temptation of temporary things.

Right now, on behalf of all Christians, I would like to ask forgiveness of those who we have hurt, for the ones who have been turned off to God because off our ungodly actions. I beg you to realize that we are like you, flawed as humans are. I am so sorry if the Christians you've met are not what you expect of followers of Christ. And I challenge you to seek God not based on what you've seen in people. Certainly, you can learn from each other, but the One true source of salvation and life is He who created us. Jesus came to clean our sin away so that we would no longer have to live by law, but by faith. We are in God's grace, a free gift, but in order to receive that gift you must reach out and accept it. When God made man, man lived by the law as a means to get into Heaven. But man was full of sin, so Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, was sent as a living sacrafice to take on all of our sins. Once our sins were cleared, we no longer lived by law, but by faith alone, under God's good grace.

I guess my point right now is, to those of you have messed big time and have been rejected because of it, just know that God will never abandon you. Jesus loves you so much that He died on the cross to set you free. Don't put your faith in people. They will disappoint you. The Holy Spirit does not disappoint.

"As for you, you were dead in your trangressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among the at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we we by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved... For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:1-5, 8-10

Again, to anyone hurt or turned off by so-called followers of Christ, I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Let us not be the deciding factor in your expectation of the Almighty saving Lord God. He has done nothing wrong. It is we who do the wrong. Please forgive us.

Not As Planned

I so often forget to acknowledge God about the endeavors taking place throughout the course of my days. Tonight, sometime after writing the entry preceeding this one, Lauren called me asking why I wasn't at the fair. I could have gotten upset when she me told that everyone else was there, making me feel somewhat guilty. But I didn't. I just told her that I had not planned on going because I was planning on going to bed early, and also that I wanted to save money.

I had planned on going to bed early, having already brushed my teeth and washed my face. But Lauren called mainly to ask if I was interested in going to Wakelee School to play on the playground. If it was not to late by the time they left the fair, I would go. As it turned out, Lauren came to pick me up instead of me going to me up with everyone in my car. It wasn't too late. I had been online talking to Chels (we're gonna be roomies!) about our room situation, like who was bringing what, when Lauren pulled up in the jeep. Charlene, Caitlin, Chris, and Ashley were also with her. We headed to the playground. Upon arrival Cait, Chris and I ran over to the merry-go-round. Chris would push us around before jumping on himself. It was fun.

Then we went to the swings where everyone else was. Corey, Matt, and Erik showed up soon after. Someone's cell phone rang. It was our wonderful Italian friend, Donato. He needed someone to pick him up from work. I offered to get him in my car because my house was closer to the school, as long as someone went with me. Cait and Chris went with me. An old friend from high school was just getting there so we had him drop us off at my house. We were then on our way to Southington, to the bowling alley where Donato works. It took a little while to get there, but he was thankful for the ride. His car had broken so to get to work he walked. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but if he did indeed walk... well, that's a LOOOOOONG walk!

The whole way back was very humerous to me as Chris and Donato argued about the proper way to make a fish tank out of an old computer monitor. [Chris has taken it upon himself to turn an old computer monitor he has into a working fish tank so he can bring it to school.] They argued about what kind of fish to get and how many. [They are rooming together this year.] Donato said he wanted three or four "Nemo" fish, while Chris didn't want that many of the same fish. The conversation went through various stages. From the building of the tank, to the purchasing of fish, to using silicon. They debated over whether or not silicon is poisonous to fish. I was cracking up listening to the way they argued their points to each other. For example, when it came to the silicon debate, Donato insisted silicon was poisonous to fish while Chris argued that it wasn't. (I may not be getting the details right because I don't know what silicon is, or even if I'm spelling it right, but this is the gist.)
"It isn't poisonous! How is it poisonous?"
"Well, would you put your lips on silicon?"
"Yes! I would actually!"
That is just a piece of that conversation. I wish I could remember the rest of their bantering enough to put it hear, but I can't.

We got back to Wakelee to hang out for a bit by the monkey bars. Not staying too much longer, we said our goodbyes. I brought Caitlin and Donato to their homes before returning to mine. It was a short but pleasant evening with my friends. I did not have to go to the fair to hang out with them, nor did I have to spend any money. It was free fun, and probably more so than the fair would have been for me. And even though I didn't go to the fair, and even though I wanted to go to bed early, I thank God for giving me time with them and for using me to provide transportation for Donato and Cait.

And now, here I am, blogging once again only to finish after 1:00AM. Totally not a plan of my own, but it worked out nicely. However, I don't think it is the best idea for me to be eating ice cream this late, especially having covered it with chocolate syrup and Special K (there were no krispies or cheerios in the pantry :( so i made do). But, hey. I don't have much longer before I go back to school and put myself on a healthier diet. Might as well take advantage of one more late night. Tomorrow I continue packing. Fun. Anyways...

This has been another boring entry from... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Alyssa, go to sleep!

And Just Like the Movies

I'm listening to the Superman Theme song for the second time right now. Matt and Corey showed up at random. I decided I wanted to listen to Superman's music. Maybe it was the fact that I watched the first Superman movie (the original) with Adam and Emily today that sparked this sudden want for the opening theme to be playing throughout the house. I don't know, but I'm enjoying it. Now I think I'll move on to something else as the song has just ended. Perhaps Star Wars. Yeah, Star Wars. Ah... there it is.

Corey, Matt, and Kaylee just left to go to the fair. I was also pressured to go, but I was disinclined to go for several reasons. For one thing, and probably the ruling factor, I am trying to save money for school, which is right around the corner. Also, the Wolcott fair has become less and less thrilling for me over the years. The same rides are there each year, and most of the time, the more exciting rides are not all that exciting. This year, from the looks of it, the most intense ride is the boat that swings back and forth. [I'm now on to Indina Jones.] It just doesn't appeal to me.

Sure, I'm missing the traditional, annual town event that pretty much everyone goes to. I'm missing the awesome fried dough that I look forward to every time I go. I'm missing the chance to hang out with friends and family one last time before going back to school. I'm missing the fireworks, the music, the laughter, the sound of screaming children as they face their fear of "big" rides, and the prizes to be received from those rip-off carnival games. But... it's so temporary and mushed together all at once. It seems such a waste. Pay to get in, pay for everything else once you're in.

I don't have any specific memories of years past, either. I can't recall anything crazy happening with a group of friends. One year stands out in my mind. It rained and we were all pushing and shoving under some enormous tent, waiting for it to let up and for the rides to be put back into opperation. But there is not one recollection of a particularly fun experience at the Wolcott Fair. I'm not saying that the times I went were bad, just so uneventful that I can tell myself I'm not missing anything special by not going.

It's never come up in conversation either. Nothing like, "Hey! Remember that one time at the Wolcott Fair when So-and-so barfed all over that lady after riding the Zipper!" or "Dude! Do you remember that time we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel for like an hour and that guy next to us started freaking out?" Nothing. Every year is kind of the same. There are events going on, but nothing eventful happening, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I'm juat trying to convince myself that it's okay not to be there while everyone else is.

Well, I had something entirely different in mind for this entry, but this is the direction I went in. I originally wanted to talk about how today, just for a moment, I felt like I was in a movie. And so my title for this entry shall remain as it is. But perhaps I'll write on that topic some other time.

Peace and love, kittens.

Goodbye, Thursday (Hello, Thursday!)

This coming Thursday marks the last day of work for the summer, for me anyways. It will be a very rewarding day, for I'm tired of working at the tuxedo shop. After this Thursday, I will be done. Hopefully for good. I need to break away and start looking for work elsewhere, work that is more consistant and pays more, a place where I do not feel retarded (To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede; to be delayed) or incompetent like I do now. I would like to work at a daycare or something.

Also this Thursday, it is the last time I'll be going to youth group for the summer. I will miss my Meriden church family very much. On the upside, I'll be going back to see my Hartford family of Christians and art students and other friends.

This Thursday I say goodbye to work and to New Life Church youth group.

However, next Thursday is the day I am reunited with life at the University of Hartford! I will be moving in early to be a member of Howie's Helpers, the group that helps move the freshmen in. And I get a free T-shirt! Woot! And I can't wait to get back into the studio and start making art again! Hello, Thursday!

Peace and love!

Up Above the World So High

To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Then one must think back to the varying events prior, which led up to that one special moment. Last night, Adam and I were taking a walk around my neighborhood, completely without any particular destination in mind. We came to a bit of a downhill shortly before we were to take the next left. The trees around us left open a large window to the starry night sky. I was gazing up at it occasionally. Adam was talking to me about something. I do not remember what about, for in that exact moment, as we neared the end of the street and my eyes drifted to the expanse above, a shooting star passed by. Adam saw it, too.

Now, this was no ordinary shooting star. This had been a massive ball of burning white light, followed by a blazing purple and blue streak of a tail. I do not know how far away it was or where it was headed, but as it hurled itself across the galaxy in an attempt to stay hidden from the sight of Earth's inhabitants, it let down its guard for just a moment. And in that moment we were able to catch a glimpse of its wondrous beauty. We were left standing in awe as it revealed itself to us for only half a second. That is how it came. That is how it went. There was no time in between for hello or goodbye. Just a shy wave before it saw us staring. And for a shooting star, I’ll bet, time slows down, and it can see all the going-ons below for what they are. And for that shooting star we saw, we had seen it for much too long, and it was embarrassed for having been so careless as to let itself be visible to humans. Of course, for us, we had only seen it for an instant.

But I think every shooting star is also secretly flattered when it realizes it has been seen by human eyes, for are the only creatures who can truly appreciate beauty, whether it is emotionally or intellectually. That shooting star last night must have seen the expression of awe on both our faces, and the few others who happened to be as lucky as we were, and felt delighted for receiving such complements from smiling human eyes. Anyways, whatever that shooting star was thinking, Adam and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, together. But like I said, to be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. This had been no coincidence.

Earlier that night, we had been hanging out at my house watching movies and the like. Suddenly, the content mood we had been in changed when Emily and her friends started having band practice. But it was not just the hard sound of the music or the harsh vocals alone that directed us into an uncomfortable vibe. There was too much going on. Our movie clashed with their playing, the house was cluttered with stuff, and above all, we had not spent much time with God. Adam was first to experience this negative energy and went outside to get away. I followed to make sure he was okay. Upon learning what was bothering him, I suggested we take a walk. He agreed.

It was chilly outside, but nice. I went inside to put on long sleeves and flip-flops. When I came back out, we prayed. We lifted up our troubles to God and asked for spiritual healing. What was to be a walk of escape, suddenly, became an enjoyable nighttime stroll. And so we meandered through the streets, conversing over various things, and providing each other with good company. Eventually, we ended up on a street that we don’t normally go down when we do go for walks, a street that I am not so familiar with. In some great way, God put it on our hearts to turn that way, and we did. And at the end of that street, passed the little downhill, is where we caught sight of a brilliant shooting star. The only time I ever saw one was so long ago that I couldn’t remember what they looked like in real life. I had to ask Adam what it was. He said it was the biggest shooting star he had ever seen, and that we’d probably never see one that big again. It was so big and so bright that our attention was immediately drawn to it, despite the fact that my eyes had been elsewhere in the sky, and that Adam hadn’t even been looking at the sky at all.

I must say this again. To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Praise God! How wonderfully and mysteriously He works! Amen!

I guess I was in a writing mood...

(Yes, I was in a writing mood when I wrote this entry. There was actually a whole first section that would have been fine as its own entry. There was about five pages worth here before I stopped myself and got to bed at four in the morning. This morning I decided I didn't want the world to hear me venting for three pages. And as much as this blog is meant for me to get things out, I felt it would be better to take it down. Because I've gotten it out now. It was a way for me to vent to myself, and now that I think about it, I'd rather not share it publicly. But I have not deleted it entirely. As of this morning, it is stored away as a draft in my blog, entitled "The Lost Entry (Never to have eyes lay upon it again)." So when you look at this entry in length, double it in your mind and you've got the length of the original entry. Yeah, I guess I was in a writing mood.)

Here's the second part...

Time with God (Halleluiah!)

Even though I had a rough time at work, God got me through it. I asked Him to put forgiveness in my heart so that I could continue working with Eileen. She’s not a bad person, really. She just drives me nuts sometimes. So God took as much anger out of my heart as my faith would allow Him to. And little did I know that someone else was praying for me while I was at work. I think it helped a lot. It must have, because I got through the work day without totally freaking out on someone or crying.

Then I went to youth group after work. We had a much needed, unprepared night of open and private prayer. After amazing time in worship, instead of going into his topic for the night, Pastor Rob sensed that a lot of us had to come before God with certain things that were on our hearts. So for a while, Mariah just played music and we all sat in silence, lifting up our hearts to the Lord. It was awesome! I had so much I wanted to thank God for, and so much to lay before Him. I thanked Him for His great mercy and wonderful grace. I thanked Him for being so faithful to me in my life, even when I felt so unworthy of His love. I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit that I just cried. Even during worship, tears trickled down my face as we sang words that asked God to let us be a seeking generation.

And as I thought about this generation, my heart went out to those who are in distress, who don’t know God at all. They are broken and lost, hurt and abandoned. They go through addictions of the flesh everyday. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the outer image. There are girls starving themselves so they might look like those models on TV, in magazines, and everywhere else. Some girls cover their faces with tons of make up, some do a hundred sit-ups a day, some hide in the shadows so as not to be seen at all. Some teens have had so much sex that they don’t know what real love is supposed to be. Physical pleasure becomes a quick fix from a world that scares them, and they cling to the feel-good that takes them away from it, if only for a moment. Teenage pregnancy is on the rise, as well as abortion. Not only is abortion wrong, but what a girl's body goes through during those procedures can be permanently damaging. Sometimes girls are never able to bear children again. There are kids who come from broken homes, abusive relationships with family or girlfriends/boyfriends. Sometimes physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse. There is divorce tearing families apart. I don’t care how old you are if you go through it. Divorce sucks no matter what. There are people out there with no homes, no family, no friends. Some of them are hooked so bad on drugs or alcohol that they have no hope. They are dead inside. They can’t even look up at a beautiful, clear night sky blanketed with stars, and feel alive! The beauty all around them in nature doesn’t mean anything if they’re not drugged up. I know people like this. Some people have everything, others have nothing, and neither party is satisfied. They are depressed, feeling worthless or ugly, abandoned, and without hope.

My heart goes out to them so much. I may not have experienced all those things, but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. With pressure at school, a fear of going home, and the thought that I was unable to be truly loved by anyone, I fell into a state of depression in my sophomore year. I just felt tired all the time, saddened by the amount of work in school. Junior year I still felt ugly, even when a boy asked me out and I started getting in shape with sports. I felt better, but was still on the edge of a break down as home life got worse with my mom and dad fighting all the time. There was so much more that happened, but it is difficult to go into detail. Some of my best friends from middle school and early high school ended up getting involved with the wrong people. Their stories are not happy ones. Luckily, God blessed me with good morals and a good family to teach me right from wrong. I still messed up though. I disconnected myself from God so that I wouldn’t feel guilty crossing my boundaries, but I felt horrible anyways. There were times when I thought about what suicide was like, and that it might be nice if I could just get rid of all the pressures by leaving this world entirely. I never once acted on those thoughts. Deep down I knew I was better than that. And I would be letting a lot of people down if I left.

Anyways, I have been there, in a place I never want to revisit. Jesus Christ died so that I could live. And He didn’t die for just me, but for every soul on this planet. He is rebuilding me a little at a time, showing me how to live for Him, and by doing so I am becoming more comfortable with myself. And I think He is calling me to do great things. I just don’t know what yet. But to live the life I once did, which is a life without God, is to live a life of death and sorrow. I was never truly happy. Now I am full of joy when I hear the testimonies of others and how God changed their lives for the better. And I cry so deeply when I think of how many people are suffering and hating life. But if you are some one who is angry and lost, and happen to read this, I urge you strongly to give God a chance. Do not believe the lies about God being evil or out to hurt your heart. Those are Satan’s tricks. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants you to blame all your misery on God, when God is the one who is fighting for your soul day and night! The evil one tries to turn all good things to bad. So again, I encourage you to give God a chance, and if you are left disappointed, then by all means go back to where you were before. But I can promise that if you open your heart to Him, you will learn to trust Him, and He will not let you down. He does not want you to suffer. He loves you with all of His heart. He is the Creator of all things and He created you, too. The Lord knows you, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the His Holy hands. God made us in His own image. He is beautiful, and so are we because we bear His image. He does not make mistakes, and so you are not a mistake. He loves every one of His creations. It is the evil inside of us that He wages war against. He is fighting for us, fighting against that which dwells inside us and makes us feel ugly or weak or worthless. I praise the glorious name of God because He is the one who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that I could escape the horrid downward spiral I was in. Now I am blessed with more than I could hope for! Thanks be to God! Amen!

What does it all mean...in a dream?

I've been having some strange dreams lately. Last night I had several, but by now I've forgotten most of them. One consisted of a girl from my high school coming to me in tears. She was going through something and somehow knew I was a Christian. She said she had really been thinking about heaven and hell and how she was so scared of going to hell. Then she asked me for help and so I began to try sharing my faith with her and help get her on the right track to Jesus Christ. But I didn't feel confident enough that I was telling her the right things. It was very emotional. In the dream, I invited her to go with me to youth group or celebrate recovery or some kind of small group thing at my church. I told her I would call her. The details of it are fuzzy, but it left me feeling very sad and happy at the same time. I was happy that she was seeking and that she came to me for help. But I was sad because I felt like my words were letting her down and I would be responsible for the loss of her soul if she decided to stop seeking. When I woke up, I just wondered how she was doing in real life. I want to call her. I should call her. But then that human fear inside gets to me and I don't want to sound like a wierdo calling her in the middle of the summer, telling her I had a dream about her. But what if God is telling me something. Maybe she's in trouble, or in some kind of distress. I don't know...

Then there was a dream involving my two friends, Chris and Caitlin (They are together in real life). Chris and I were bringing Caitlin to work in her car. I was sitting in front with them. I was In the middle, with Chris on my right and Cait driving on my left. I was holding their hands (Chris' left, Cait's right so she could still drive). We passed by a playground on the way. I got excited and asked if we could go. We decided that Chris would bring me on the way back, after dropping Caitlin off at work. She seemed a little unsure about me hanging out with her boyfriend without her around, which is strange, because normally Cait knows that we're just friends. And Chris would never do anything with another girl, because that's what kind of person he is, loyal and dedicated to his friends. And of course, I'm with someone, too, so I wouldn't do anything. Just a crazy dream about me wanting to go play on the playground and dragging Chris along with me. Unfortunately, the dream ended before I got a chance to play on it. Awe... and it looked like so much fun!

Another dream I had was about a single moment in my future, an event that I long for. As much as I want to write about it, I'm not sure that I should. Not here anyways. It's one of those *blah! snatch! gulp!* things, I guess. Of course, none of you who read this will understand what I mean, save one person. But it's okay. I just need to wait and see what my Creator has in store for me. I can't rely on my dreams to tell me what's going to happen. Maybe they are messages from God. Maybe they are just thoughts of my own, being spewed out all at once in a twisted, subconcious version of things I want to accomplish or experience. I really don't know.

*sigh* It's getting harder...

PMS (male reader discretion is advised)

Listening to "I Celebrate the Day" by Relient K. It's more of a Christmas song, but the lyrics are really cool and the music is pretty. Ah... This is a good song, too! Now it's "Mirror" by Barlow Girl. Anyways...

It's a rarity for me to be in a truly bad mood because of my period, but for some reason PMS was served on a massive silver platter and shoved in my face. Everything has been getting to me. I mean there are many good things that are keeping me from totally breaking down, so I am grateful. I just worry about those around me who get caught in the way of my menstrally fed attitude. I try to fight it as best I can, but sometimes the littlest thing will dwell in my mind and bring me down. Bad cramps alone can just set off the beginning of a bad mood. And they remind me how much pain I'm going to have to endure when I have kids. Of course, menstral cramps, I'm sure, are only an extremely subdued version of what the true experience of giving birth feels like. Or so I've heard.

I remember seeing a female comedian on TV once, who was also a mother. She explained that someone asked her if the pain of giving birth was like really, really, really, really, really bad cramps. Laughing, she replied with something like, "Oh no, grasshopper. Nooo..." And I think most of the people in the audience laughing were women. The men can't really relate because they don't even experience cramps. At least women who haven't yet given birth at least have an idea where that inquiring girl was coming from.

I, for one, HATE getting my period. Sure, I've learned to deal with it. But I just can't stand the annoying things that come with it. Now, I know every woman is a little different, so I'm speaking for myself, but I also I'm not alone on any of these frustrations. There are cramps that are sometimes so bad that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and breath, try not to fall to the floor in pain. There have even been rare times when I couldn't even get out of bed the next morning because my cramps made me feel like I would throw up or faint if I got up. When I first started getting my period really heavy, I felt light-headed a lot. That still happens once in a while. Other things that come with my period is acne, bloating, and a foolishly strong craving for chocolate. So when I start getting more pimples than usual and want every meal to consist of chocolate, I know that bloating and cramps are soon to come, if they haven't already. And of course, there is absolutely no control over the start or stop of the flow of menstral fluids. We are left to deal with that mess however we can, anything to prevent blood from leaking onto the seat of our pants and skirts, or on the sheets of our beds. Some options are pads, tampons, or both. I'll be honest, I have to use both. Pads leave you feeling costantsly wet and gross. Tampons help you stay a little more comfortable and dry. But when the tampon is full and you've lost track of how long it's been in, it's nice to have a pad to catch the extra blood and keep your underwear safe.

As much as I hate my period, can honestly say I'm glad I don't have to live with the fear of getting kicked or hit in the balls... because I am, in fact, a woman. I lack testicles and a penis, and I guess I'd rather get my period once a month than have that stuff hanging between my legs all the time. And this is not to bad mouth men and what they were born with. They, too, have learned to deal with it, just as we have learned to deal with our periods. So I guess we're sort of even up until women have to give birth.

Yea... I'm distracted at the moment. I'm watching movie previews with Adam and my sisters. have fun kids!

A Nice Little Dream With A Dissapointing Morning

I dreamt last night that the five dollar bill that I had in my wallet yesterday somehow turned into a five and two twenties. That was it. Then I woke up this morning to the realization that I only have four singles in my wallet. Awe...

But then again... today is payday. Woot! So I'm not really dissapointed like it says in the title. God has given me this day for something. Maybe the dream was His way of telling me not to be discouraged about not having a lot of money and that He will provide for me. Ahhh... What a God I have!

Things That Sting (But Kids Are People, Too)

Owwwwwwwww!!!!!!

It's ridiculous how long the pain of a bee sting lasts. I got stung right before leaving work tonight. That was about twenty minutes ago. As I type this, I can still feel the fading pinchy feeling of the venom in my arm. It had been a while since I've been stung by anything. Luckily, I'm not allergic, but my boss is. She was with me when it happened so I'm just thankful that it happened to me and not to her. I don't think I'd be able to handle [OW! OW! OW! SUPER STINGY FEELING!!! ...that happens every now and again just sitting here. I wonder if the act of typing makes it worse... OWWWIE OWWIE OW!] driving her to the hospital in a calm and safe manner. She'd be screaming, and I'd be in a panic trying to remember where the heck the hospital is. Then we'd get there and I wouldn't know where to park or where to go.

Some of you are probably wondering why she doesn't have an EpiPen. Well, she told me today that she hasn't been to a doctor in a long time... like thirty years! Seriously! Eileen has to be sixty-something years old. She's a cute little Catholic woman, and when she feels some kind of pain in her body or starts feeling sick (which isn't often), she prays over it. One time she had a pain in her chest for a few days. I told her that if it was still there in the next few days, she should she a doctor. She said she didn't like going to the doctor. Then she just spent the next couple days praying over it and it went away. I trust God but I do worry about her, not just because she's my boss (and some people actually hate their employers) but because she's a person. She is good to me... though I think I get on her nerves when I do things wrong. Anyways...

Tonight we were getting ready to leave the store, door locked, certain things left to be finished tomorrow. All we had left to do was take the trash out. We were standing outside the back door right next to the dumpster, breaking up boxes. I tossed in one box and waited for Eileen to finish hers so I could toss them in, too. All of a sudden, I felt a hard pinch on my left arm. Bewildered, I let out a loud gasp, followed by something like, "OOOOWWWWW!!!" I ran away from the dumpster and looked back at it to see a large, skinny black insect with long wings. I can't say exactly what it was. A hornet? A wasp? I don't know. Whatever it was, it freakin' HURT! [It is now about an hour and ten minutes since I got stung, and the stupid thing still hurts.] Eileen was yelling, "What happened? What was it?" and the like. Upon realizing what had happened, she told me to make sure the stinger was out, but it hadn't been there to begin with. Then she told me about her bee alergy, and so I had her get away from the dumpster and go back into the doorway, allowing me to throw the rest of the trash in with her in safety.

Another Funny Thing About Eileen...

Eileen can be a really nice lady most of the time. I mean, it took me a long time to get used to her. Even now I sometimes don't get her, but for the most part, I like her and learn interesting things from her. Anyways, earlier today before the bee incident, a mother and her kid came into the store. They had been in the week before so she could try on her dress. She tries it on again today. Her son, whose name today I learned is Zackerie (sp?), came in with a smile and a gameboy just like the last time. I was steaming a huge wedding gown (what a challenge that was!) and he came over and started talking to me. We shared a little convorsation about what game he was playing. He wanted to know what Mario-based games I had played, what systems, etc. I offered what I could. All the while his mother was in the dressing room. Zack was well-behaved and sat on the step ladder patiently. When he didn't feel like sitting on it anymore, he sat on the floor. In my eyes he was too close to the steamer, so I asked him to move away from it and he did. (He's about five years old.) He was so cute. He didn't touch anything in the store, he wasn't rude, and he wasn't disobedient. Not really. He kind of did his own thing, but with an innocent, nieve understanding. He was so CUTE!!! I told his mother that her son was a little cutie. She didn't respond much. She seemed drained, but I could see how a talkative, energetic kid like him could drive a mom nuts. But even so, while he was in the shop I saw no signs of a bad upbringing. Zack's mom told him it was time to go, he said "one minute" as he finished something on his game, and a second later he was following her out.

Eileen started to head to the back room. I mentioned to her what a cute kid he was, but all I got was a roll of the eyes and a "I hate kids" with sort of a chuckle to follow. She says that once in a while, and every time I respond the same way. "Oh, Eileen..." laughing. "No you don't." Or sometime just, "You don't hate kids..." And she'll laugh and say "Nooo... I don't." Most of the time I think she's joking (and maybe she does say it just to be funny), but after today I'm not so sure. The previously mentioned order of events happened as normal, with me insisting she didn't hate kids, only this time, she walked away to the back with a laugh, not saying anything. And quietly she said, "Yes I do." What's stranger is the soft-spoken, little ol' lady voice she had when she said it.

I dunno... I'm beginning to think she really does hate kids. Oh, Eileen...

Feeling Slightly Convicted

I'm in Rocky Hill right now, typing this up on the Adam's laptops. Adam's actually not here right now. He's doing the music for a wedding but should be home soon. Somewhere in the house, his brother is relaxing, maybe watching a movie or sleeping after the nice long shower he took. Tim and Denise are out at some sort of company picnic, and I've been left alone to some peace and quiet.

This morning, I helped my mom at her place with moving boxes and belonging to Joan's house. Eventually, I would have gone back to my dad's house to be there for his company picnic, but I knew I would just get stuck there with nothing to do except listen to business talk or things I knew nothing about, all the while listening to the same country station (or something similar in terms of music). I'm not saying country is bad, but to listen to the same station for hours can be brutal. As it turns out, I found a tiny window of time that allowed me the opprtunity to hang out with Adam. Originally, we didn't think we'd be able to work it out and find time to get together.

But part of me still feels a bit guilty leaving my dad on such sort notice. He had said my sisters and I didn't have to stick around for the picnic, but deep down I think he wanted us to be there to meet the people he works with. Now that I think about it... He's opening his home to them to honor them for their hard work (he's one of the bosses) and to show them the house where he lives and to meet his family. But his family won't even be there now. I'm here in Rocky Hill, Emily will be at a conncert, and Kaylee might stick around for a little while. He should be able to say to his friends and co-workers, "Welcome to my home. This is the house, and these are my three beautiful daughters." How am I supposed to honor my father if I'm not there?

Don't get me wrong, I want to be here in Rocky Hill, hanging out with Adam. I am very fond of him. But sometimes I can't decide if I'm doing things because I want to, or if God is putting it on my heart to do so. On the upside of being here, I've had some quiet time to myself, which I've used to nap, read, and write this entry. I would not have been able to do so had I been home. On the downside, I am not home where I probably should be. And I feel convicted.

Well, I'm going to spend some time alone with God before Adam comes home.

Just Picking Up the Pieces

Missy, an old friend of mine, just left. We went out for pizza, stopped to visit another old friend at work, and got ice cream tonight. It was nice to catch up since we hadn't really seen each other, or even communicated, for almost a year. We were best friends back in 8th and 9th grade. It's amazing how time changes things, but even more so how much people stay the same. Then again, it had only been a year since I saw her last, so it should be no suprise that she was still the same nice, spunky girl I remembered. But after my first year of college, my high school days seem so far away. I guess that's just the way things go. I was a different person back then. I know that. I mean, I didn't know where I was going, and... well, I still don't. Not exactly. But I know I have a calling, a purpose, a plan set by God Himself. I've been changing according to that plan. Right now I'm just trying to sort through the pieces of life that are laid before me.

Along the way I accumulated pieces from other people or from certain events in my life. I forced them together with other pieces even though they didn't match. They just barely fit, and as I moved on some of them eventually fell away from my life's puzzle. I will admit there are pieces I lost that I probablly should have hung on to, should have taken better care of. There are pieces I'm still looking for, some that I've lost, others that I have yet to discover. And there are pieces I never want to see again. I've burned the cheap cardboard they were made of.

The time I spent with Missy today was very laid back and refreshing. At the end of her visit, just before she left my house, I almost cried. I suddenly felt as if one of my missing pieces was found, only this time I fit it in a place closer to where it should be. I'm not sure when it had lost, but it certainly had been for some time. And it came back cleaned and refreshed with a new scent.

And there are the pieces that you are glad you lost. Maybe it's the equivallent to the bad influence of a person you knew. You still feel for them, maybe cry even knowing where they are in life, what a bad place they are in. You used to care about them and still do, and so it hurts to hear about the downward spiral they've gotten into. But there's nothing you can do except pray for them, or maybe offer them your support as only a friend can. Of course you can't give them everything they will need. Maybe just a place to stay, a hot meal, and send them off with some money, enough for a cab or the next meal. Okay, I'm getting off topic. I guess it was just good to see them both again...

Celebrate Bad Times (C'mon!)

Wow. If anyone ever had a doubt in his mind about God's power or even God's existence, the testimonies of people who have been saved by God would surly persuade him to think otherwise. To hear the stories of people who had once hit rock bottom, who had been abused on all levels by others or by themselves, who had come inches from death, who had thought once that they were worthless or useless, or who didn't care if they woke up the next day, is an amazing experience. When you see these people after hearing such stories, you are left wondering, "How could this person have ever been like that? They look as though they've lived this way forever."

I heard the testimony of a woman who had once been a heroin addict. She had been sexually and emotionally abused. She had gone to the hospital several times for overdosing on drugs and even flat-lined once. She had also been with child before, but lost the baby. While she spoke of these things, I was amazed because before me sat a beautiful woman. She was clean and healthy-looking, staying sober, and despite all she had been through, she somehow had the strength to talk about it. She was a follower of Christ and truly believed He was the Savior of her soul and the Lord of her life.

There are thousands of stories like that, all told by unique people, individual souls. Each story belongs to one person, but they share the same way to recovery. And the way to their recovery is Jesus Christ. Wow... if I ever have a doubt about the wonders of God, all I have to do is think of all the people who have been changed by Him. And when people say things like, "Why does God let bad things happen" it's easy to see through these people that everything happens for a reason.

God loves us all so much, even in our darkest times. It's when we believe the lies of this world that we don't see the good that comes out of bad situations. The evil one wants us to turn on God and see Him as the enemy, but really satan is the enemy. He fills ours minds with lies from this world, leading us to believe that we are worthless or that God doesn't care about us. It's garbage! No one in the world can love like God. He let His only Son suffer a horrible death so that we could be saved, so that we would have a chance to find the way to freedom. Jesus could have just as easily said, "I am your Son, Lord! Why would You let this happen?" But He didn't. And because of His sacrafice and willing acceptance of his crucifixion, we were saved, and He rose again to life. He is the Lord of death and the Lord of life. When we are dying, He is longing to make us whole again, to bring us back to life.

I love my Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I am lost, incomplete, and weak. He has guided me through a divorced home and many other downfalls in my life. I will never be able to thank Him enough for saving my life and saving so many others. My God is an awesome God. No other being can even compare. Amen!

Tears

There are all kinds of tears.
There are tears of joy,
tears of pain,
tears of saddness,
tears of stress,
tears of fear,
and sometimes tears of the unknown.

Tears of joy come when a person is so overwhelmingly happy or full of love that the only thing for that person to do is cry. You might see a lot of crying at a wedding, for instance. Maybe the marriage proposal alone was followed by tears as the bride-to-be willingly said, "Yes!" And I can assure you that nearly everytime a baby is born, someone is crying with joy.

But for that baby to be born, tremendous amounts of pain must be endured by the woman. She may tear up as her body works its hardest to push the baby from her womb. It is physical pain that causes these kind of tears. It's common for kids to run around a lot, going on the adventures that they do. It is to be expected that they are going to fall down, scrape their knees, maybe break something in their young little bodies. When that happens, they may cry. They have been hurt. They feel pain. Sometimes the only release for pain is crying. It doesn't necessarily make the pain go away, but crying just seems to be the thing to do when all you feel is pain.

This brings me to tears of saddness. Specifically saddness from heartache. It is not the same as physical pain. Rather, it is an emotional pain. Say a girl and boy have be dating for quite some time. She starts to fall for him, but without warning, he breaks it off. The girl cries for days afterward. She has been hurt emotionally. Now maybe she was thinking he was "the one," but it never cross his mind about her in the same way. Last night I saw the movie, Love Actually. There are all different kinds of love stories going on at once. In one case, a husband becomes fond of another woman. His wife finds out and cries alone in the bedroom, terribly sad about was is happening. But tears of saddness do not always come from a romance gone wrong. No, after the death of a loved one there is great mourning. At wakes and funerals people cry in remorse over the loss of someone they cared deeply for. This is a saddness that is sometimes lingers. Depression is a rising condition these days it seems. I can't tell you why so many people are sad (as a follower of Christ, I have my own guesses but...anyways), but whatever the reason, I think the tears of sassness are the ones people that people cry the most.

Stress. It comes with work, school, and many other things. It happens when you have a lot to accomplish in a short period of time, or when you have to do the same thing everyday so you can make money. Or maybe it's just every priority of the week running through your head, and you have no idea where you are going to get the energy to do it all. Wake up the kids and get them ready for school, call to make a doctor's appointment for yourself, dentist appointments for the kids, see that they get on the bus safely, make lunch for your husband, get to work on time, deal with clients, sketch out some thumbnails for the designs they want you to do, sketch more beacause they didn't like the first ones, go out on get the supplies you'll need, spend hours on end creating this project, take a short break for food and restroom, continue hours of work on the same huge project, start sketching ideas for the other four clients designs that are dues only weeks from now, leave work, pick up the kids from the after school program, get home, make sure they do their homework, get dinner going, do laundry, unload the dish washer, vaccuum the living room, get ready for company... the list of things to do is crazy and you have to do the same thing just about everyday. On top of this you want to see the kids grow up and want to spend time with them, be a good parent, be a good wife. And then you get to the doctor's and find out you've got something that you need medicine for, or one of the kids has four cavities from eating too much candy when you weren't around. What a world of stress we live in! One day, you just have a break down and start crying. You're exhausted from homelife and worklife and just hit that point where you need to let all of this built up stress out somehow. It's been bottled up too long and now... you cry, sob even. Tears run down your face without any sign of stopping. Those are the kinds of tears that come from overwhelming stress. The world around you is moving so fast and you seem to be stuck where you are.

Fear. You've seen the horror films where something horrible is about to happen to the victim. The victim sees a giant spider coming toward her. She is frozen in place with fear. She knows she's about die. The spider comes closer, touching her face with its hairy legs. Her breath is short and fast as she tries to not make any noise. Tears begin to roll down her face. Scarey situations will drive people to tears. Even the thought of moving on from high school brings about fear. The fear of the world ahead, not knowing what to expect. Sometimes just being scared can make a person cry. Another example is the fear of commitment. People in relationships are scared of the consequences of a wrong decision. Or they've been hurt before and are scared they'll be hurt again. Certain situations in new relationships may spark old memories that cause them to cry.

And finally, tears of the unknown. Every once in a while, something will happen inside me and I just tear up. That happened last night as I lied in bed. I got a little teary and didn't know why. It may have been a combination of some of the previous types of tears I mentioned. Not sure. I wasn't sad... or maybe I was. But I felt happy for sure! I felt fluttery... then again, my heart was tingling in a strange way. And I think I may have been scared at the same time, though I don't know what of. I've been pretty content lately, so I don't think it was stress causing my tears. I don't know if I was indirectly hurting in someway... but I know I was happy overall, whatever the tears were from. A better example is when paeople have a spiritual experience. Maybe it's when they accept Christ into their life. Something comes over them, something indescribable. They are just filled with love and fear and joy and are so completely in awe of God's grace that they fall to their knees and cry out to be saved. Some people cry and they just don't know why.

These are my thoughts on tears. I think what happened to me last night prompted this discussion with myself. Why did I cry? What kind of tears were they? The act of crying in itself is a wonderful and mysterious thing even in the more negative connotations it has. I'm sure the types of tears can be looked into much further, but that's all for now. It took me all day to finish this entry, what with the interuptions and all.

Driving (My Wonderful Week)

Driving, driving, driving
Where will I go?
Where do I want to be?
Who am I with?
Who do I want to see?

To a house of grandeur
Pool and canine included
The fun that it brought
Completely exclusive
A mother, a friend,
A brother, and then
Just the two of us
And dear caramel

But not the topping
On our cream
Cold and sweet
A pleasant treat
With crispy rain
Atop the mound
From which we scooped
And swallowed down

So thank you, Lord
For all you do
What fun we had
And time with You
A time much needed
For us and for You
How perfect Your plan
For a bored, lonely two!

Hot dogs for breakfast
On the last day
Before we shoved off
And went on our way
Packed and ready to go
Then miles of road
Miles of road
The road

Driving, driving, driving
Fast and slow, stop and go
This time with mother and sibblings
And male friend, too
We laughed, we joked, told stories, and the like
Then flashing lights
Of authority went by
Oh, my!
An under cover scapegoat revealed
But they, too
May have been in the wrong
Just as we were
Another path to laughter
Just the same

Uppon arrival the cousins came
Swift and hugging
A family missed ever so much
Until reunion sunk in
More fun and games
Then to the place
Where ocean collided with the sand
It would be ours for a short while
And afterwards, we showered clean
The air was tainted
With salt and soapy fragrances

One night time spent above the sand
Then a message to turn in for the night
An early morning followed
With a rising sun in the distant sky
A place too far to swim to
Peaceful and in good company
A dear friend at my side
Embraced by our Father
As well as by each other
Then away to rock ourselves
To sleep once more

We awakened for the stampede
A young woman of my blood
Crossed the line in sixteenth
Out of a thousand other females at least
Hoo-rah!
What a weekend of events we had!
Mini-golf, the grove, games, and cafe
How happy and sad a time
On the closing day
Hugs, farewell, with love and concern
A penny found can be a penny earned
Word

And home once again
A chance for building endurance
A chance to cool down
In more ways than one
Food, movie, cake and ice cream
Double feature
Sleepy, but I made it through
'T was my favorite, after all

And then you had to drive again
Driving, driving, driving
At the end of a wonderful week
I like you...

The Whole Week Off

It's quite late and I'm desperate for sleep, but I feel like blogging a few things while they are on my mind. As said in my last entry, I work at a tuxedo shop. I got paid at the end of this week, Friday. In a few days I will be on my way to Boston to see the 4th of July happenings. I'll be going with my dearest friends, Chelsea and Craig, and my special someone. (I think some other people might be going, but anyways...)

Normally, I work four days a week, Tuesday through Friday. Eileen doesn't need me on Saturdays, so she doesn't have me work. Then Sundays and Mondays the store is closed. This week, however, Eileen is taking four days off for the holiday. The store will be closed Saturday through Tuesday. I told her I'd be away all week except maybe Tuesday, but even then I wasn't sure I'd be back. Thursday through Sunday I'll be in Jersey. So I ended up getting the whole week off from work this coming week. Business is slow for now anyways, so it'll be good for Eileen not to have to pay me this week. I won't get to see Marina, the girl I work with, until the following week. She said she was going to miss me, and so I left her a note pinned to the back table, telling her I'd be with her in spirit.

And now... my plans for the untimate upcoming week!
(I'm sure what I've been telling you so far has not kept your interest in the slightest bit, and for that I appologize. I tend to write out pointless information at times, but it is info that is important to me. Please bare with me.)

Saturday, today rather (kind of yesterday now...1:26 AM) I did some garden work with my mom. I got sunburned on my shoulders in the process. Man, was it HOT out! But I'm totally stoked about the physical labor part. As tiring as it was, I feel like my arms are getting stronger, in addition to lifting dresses and vaccuuming and pressing shirts at the tuxedo shop all day. The garden looks so much better now that Mom's had her way with it. Later, Kaylee, my sis, and I played a PS2 game that we started together a few days ago. That's what our bonding time consists of... video games. But not to excess, and we DO too (correct use of "too"?) bond in other ways. Then a bon fire at Lauren's house ended the night slendidly.

Sunday, I'll hopefully go to church in Meriden with Mom. I'll be expecting Adam the same day, only later on. Then begins the real fun! Adam is coming Sunday night. We'll leave my house Monday morning for Rocky Hill. Not sure what's happening after that... spending the night I guess. Then Tuesday we're headed for Woodstock to pick up Chels and Craig, and finally to Boston we'll go!

Wednesday... back in RH. Thursday... NEW JERSEY!!! Family, friends, beach, games, and just a whole weekend that's sure to be packed with fun! Maybe I'll write more later. I've already written more than needed in this entry. A waste of your time, I'm sure. Again, just a way for me to get some stuff down and out.

Have a good weekend, kids! Peace and love...