John McClain

I'm finally home. The fall semester was very hectic, but a lot of good came of it. More finished pieces, more experience in time management, more opportunities to experiment, and more time spent processing with God and working on my character. And the new, unfortunately temporary, professor allowed me to leave my comfort zone to experiment with different materials and styles. Even though it was scary for me personally, there was no added pressure from him that would have made it that much harder on me. Instead, he was very supportive and gave good feedback.

Now that I'm home, there is still much to be done. But there's a different kind of stress here. It's good. It keeps me going, motivated, feeling responsible and mature. I'm not as overwhelmed as when I'm at school, even though there is a lot to do. At school, you have deadlines and grades and expectations to meet. At home, there is love and understanding, and while things do need to be done, no one is here to bite my head off if I can't come through on everything because they know I'm working hard at whatever it is I AM doing. At school, some teachers think that their class takes precedence over every other class and aspect of your life, and if you don't come through on their assignment, you weren't trying hard enough. I hate that. I know I work hard. On EVERYTHING I possibly can. I've gotten physically sick trying to meet deadlines. I even threw up during a crit once because I was so sickly exhausted. And sometimes it's hard to decide whether to get something done just so you have it in on time, or to do it very well and risk not finishing. They say that in the real world, you get to say yes or no to what jobs you take. Or that you can sometimes work it out with a client so that you can work with a decent timeframe for you and also give them quality. If every class or assignment I had equalled a job, I'm sure I would be saying no to some of them. But you can't really do that at school. Any of it. Everyone has the same deadlines, whether you work fast or slow, and if you can't get it done then "screw you; I don't care if life happened; you knew about this assignment since ther day you were born; this is unprofessional; blah blah blah".

I guess all I'm saying is that it feels good to be home. The best part so far is that my dad got a Christmas tree that was apparently too tall and had a lot of empty spots. So he pulled a John McClain move and drilled holes in the trunk so he could stick branches in them to fill the empty patches. I really thought it was hillarious, and I'm sure I'll remember it forever. I love my dad. My sisters and I always imagine him doing the things Bruce Willis' character does in the Die Hard movies.

I love being home.

Good Night, Hartford

I wrapped two Christmas gifts tonight. It took about a half hour to an hour. That's the most productive I've felt all week and weekend. It's nice getting SOMETHING accomplished for a change. Everything else is taking forever, despite my best efforts. I enjoy being creative when I don't have to be, even when it's something as simple as wrapping presents. It's a nice break from school projects.

Now for my early bedtime. Another thing I'm feeling pretty good about.

Good night, Hartford. This is our last week together.

On the plate...

arthistoryfinalpaperduewednesdayANDthreepagesequentialstoryofsuperheropluscoverpageforbillANDfinalteaillustrationwithspotsforchuckANDitalianpresentationwithpaperANDitaliantakehometestANDfulltimerelationshipwithadamANDgettingenoughsleeptoavaoidgettingsickANDkeepingupenoughwithivcfnottoletthegroupstandingwithsgabedamagedANDfiguringoutchristmasplansANDdoingallthatchristmasshoppingjustdaysbeforechristmasbecauseihavenotimeduringschoolANDmakingsureigetallmymealseachdayANDprayingANDreadingthebiblANDmoretocomei'msure...

A Blessing From God

There's nothing like spending the end of a bad or emotional day with the one you love. Adam and I both had our own bad and/or emotional day today. When he got here for our date night, we were able to comfort each other. As much as these kinds of days suck, I'm just glad we can go through them together.

And I thank God for giving me a best friend to cry with.

A moment to breath before the pressure's really on

So it's Monday once more. The Monday right after the Thanksgiving break. If you want to call it a break, that is. More like an end semester teaser. I've got about two weeks left of classes, then finals. Doesn't seem that bad when you look at it like that. But then you factor in two new illustration projects, both of which are not yet started. On top of that, an art history final paper, and an Italian presentation with a paper to match. That paper has to be in Italian. As if it's not hard enough buckling down to write one in your own language.

Right, four final projects in two weeks. Even less time, actually, depending on due dates. The papers and presentation are all due next week. So... a week and a half for those. The illustrations are due soon after.

What am I going to do about it? One of three things. Procrastinate up 'til the last minute so that the only way to get anything done is to pull all-nighters; work as much as I can all the way through, even if it means stressing out a little and losing sleep; or get my needed 8 hours of sleep every night for the next two weeks, work without stressing, and get as much as I can done in the time given, even if it means sacraficing a little bit of my obsessive full potential.

I'm aiming for the third. The one with less stress and more sleep. I'm hoping to put it into practice tonight. I'm aiming for a 10:00 bedtime, with 11:00 being the limit.

I'm approaching the last straightaway. Here we go!

I'm a Christian...and I AM living life

Are there really that many people out there who think Christians don't have fun? Or that we aren't living life to the fullest? It makes me sad when I hear that stuff come up. Like when a discussion of faith comes up, and the person of less faith, or no faith, mentions they don't see anything wrong with having fun and living life. That kind of hurts. Well, for me anyways. I don't think I'm missing out on anything. I have a blast believing in God! Jesus and me have fun together.

I've already had my share of "living life" and "having fun" and let me tell you, I was so empty in the midst of it all. No hope, no sense of purpose. I was depressed, just going for the feel good, running from my problems. I even had thoughts of suicide at times. But most of that was hidden by a mask of denial when I was with people. I hated it. I hated being depressed. I hated my parents fighting. I hated not fitting into the world's idea of beauty. I hated that my boyfriend at the time and I were so emotionally distant, yet so physically attatched. Yeah, it felt good. It was a nice change from all the pain. I believed in God sort of. I believed in being a good person, but never took God seriously. I never read the Bible or prayed. So much pain and emptiness, even more than I knew at the time. I've learned so much since then. And I never want to go back.

So am I living the "good life" now? Maybe not in the opinion of the world, but in Christ I am just in awe of all He's done and is doing. Am I a good person? No. I will never be. Only Jesus can change my heart in ways I never will be able to, constantly shaping me into the woman He created me to be. He gives me strength and hope to make it through each day. I sometimes forget and fall away, but He's always there, waiting with open arms for my return. What beautiful love! I don't think a hundred random sexual encounters or getting high on free pot or getting really buzzed during class could ever even compare to the pleasure and joy I've found in Christ. I don't stay away from those things because it's the law of God, for I do not live by the law. I live by faith, and because of my faith in Christ, who I love, I do not do those things. So much more I could say, but Paul says it a little better in Romans. And now off to sleep.

Good night.

You Lose Sleep When You Care

I'm sitting in my dormroom right now. It's 9:42pm. I was aiming for a 10:00 bedtime, because of such a tiring Monday. But the way things have worked out tonight might mean that bedtime won't be until later. I'm waiting for a call from Katie with information I need to reserve a room for IVCF this Friday. I unfortunately left the folder of info in my studio, and have no intention of walking back across campus to get it. Not at this dark hour. It's scary and I'm tired.

Today was long. From the moment I woke up this morning I was already wanting a nap. Italian. Studio work. Art History. Advertising. Just work all the way through. I didn't even nap in art history like I've been doing for the past week. Not that I should, it just happens when the lights go out and the slides come up. Today I kept myself awake so I'd stop missing notes. I almost fell asleep a couple times, though.

After Italian this morning, I got a call from Hawk Hall's Res. Director. It was about Intervarsity not being able to use the Hawk Hall Lounge anymore for our meetings, since it's not reserved, nor reservable. So being that I'm sort of in charge, and my name happens to be on most of the IVCF paperwork as who is in charge, she called me. It wasn't a nasty or uncomfortable conversation or anything. In fact, she was very nice and helpful in telling me we could reserve one of the nearby classrooms. And I was understanding of the policy, by God's grace. So it's fine that we have to reserve a room. It just happens to be one more thing on my list for the day. And right now I'm waiting on Katie for our account number so I can finally send in the application for the room.

It's 10:02 now. Sigh. That's okay. I allotted time for myself to be late, because I knew I would be. 11:00 is really the cut-off. I haven't blogged in a while. That usually happens once school gets going. I hardly ever have "extra" time for this stuff. I think a little update is in order, anyways.

So my goals... ya know, from the last entry. I've been slacking on them lately. Well, the first one, to create something new everyday outside of class, never really got off the ground in the first place. Once art projects came into the schedule, there was really no creative energy or time left in the days to follow, save the occassional doodles in the academic classes to keep myself awake. However, as far as the branching out of the comfort zone goes, I really have been trying new things. Yes, they are subject to current assignments, but nonetheless have been explorations for me. I've been pushing myself to work larger than I'm used to; I've been exploring techniques and various media with which to make my art; and I'm even starting to come away from the safety of following my reference exactly in order to explore what my style might really be.

For example, the first assignment I did for Advertising involved a French-looking chef about to throw fireworks into a pot of chili (illustrating a poster for the "red hot chili fesival"). My reference is just a picture of a friend of a freind, a student, holding cardboard tubes I had cut and covered in wrapping paper for fireworks. I pretty much fudged everything to get the look I wanted, which I didn't even know I wanted until I was doing it. The colors of the fireworks changed, the face of the chef was stylized with an added mustache, and everything else was handled pretty freely, without much reference. Background, chili, firework fuses. It was not like me to go in that direction as far as style, and it was nerve-racking to do so. But I did! And I had a pretty good critique!

As for the rest of the goals, I'll keep the update short. I'm actually going to bed after this because I finally got the info I needed for reserving a room.

Okay... so my God time has been little to none lately, which sucks because I started off the semester really well. I was doing morning devos, daily prayer, evening time in the Word, and more prayer. But I've been letting work and everything else get in the way. So prayer for me in this area would be appreciated, if you're reading this and you like to pray.

Get more sleep. That was going pretty well, too, for a while. Then I had two crits days apart from each other. Needless to say, I failed at my "no all-nighters this semester" goal. I've been off track of a decent sleep schedule ever since. Tonight I wanted it back, but then the IVCF thing needed to be taken care of. If it had been something that only affected me, and not the group of people that it does, I would have put it off. But I'm responsible. So... yeah.

I'm not really sure I've been saying no or not. But I don't feel as though I'm being stretched thin by tons of various things, just general things. Like class, homework, and IVCF. I'm still finding the balance, but I'm not overwhelmed. I'm sticking to what needs to be taken care of: what my role is as an IVCF leader (treasurer this year), what assignments are due, what papers need to be written. And of course, I'm in a full-time relationship. I make time for Adam on the weekends, and during the week we make phone time, with the understanding that sometimes things come up and we'll call each other back if need be. That's the only annoying thing, not being able to give Adam my full attention everytime we talk. It's basically like trying to have a conversation during a full-time job, and then some. Especially in the studio where so much is going on all the time.

Making time for people. I think this is something God's been showing me how to do. Sometimes I'll have a very specific schedule in mind for the day, what to do and when to do it. If I followed that schedule to a T, I might actually be ahead of the game, but I set things aside more now, so that I can talk to classmates and other friends to get to know them better. I can still buckle down and get work done, but I'm not getting consumed by it. Although, my God time reflects differently. Sigh.

Yeah, so I still need lots of prayer. My balance really isn't that great. God is still working, but I need to give up my whole self so that He can wholly work in me.

BED!!! 11:11PM!!!

From Scratch

Do you ever wish you could just push a button and start over? I mean with anything and everything. School, for instance, can get so hectic that I feel like I miss a lot of what's going on around me. How my friendships are going, or where they went. Spending time with God, too, has been difficult for me. I don't know why, but I just don't get into the Word the way I used to. And I hardly pray anymore, which is sad because I use to pray all the time when I got saved. Up until about two years ago, I was totally on fire for Jesus.

But there is no magical life button that brings you back so that you can do things differently or figure out what happened. There is new life though. Always another opportunity to change, even if it doesn't seem like much. Sometimes you just need to start from scratch, especially if you're not sure where you left off.

I'm going to make new goals for myself this year. I'm the kind of person who needs a routine to get me started. Luckily, I'm back at school, so having a schedule will be no problem. Now, it's figuring out where I want to set aside the free time for what's important, and make that time just as mandatory as going to class.

Here are some of my goals for this year:

1. Create something new everyday, outside of class.
Last year I had a small sketch book that I made my daily creativity journal. I made a point to draw or doodle or paste or write something in it everyday for the whole year. Some days were missed, some days were not very creative, and some days were just a forced 30 seconds of anything. But in the end, I was quite pleased with the results. I was glad to see it was possible for me to be creative on my own. This year I want to expand the idea, and not be limited to one size or surface. I want to branch out of my comfort zone and start diving into more experimental stuff. That doesn't mean the content will be the experiment, but more so what I use and how I use it to create the content. I used to be so risky in high school. With media, subject, style, technique... everything. Over the last few years, I sort of backed myself into a corner while I honed my skills technically. But now doing what I know will work has left me too scared to try what might not work. So this goal encompasses a lot more than just "making stuff."

2. Spend more time with God.
This includes reading the Bible, praying, and doing devotionals. I really want to get into the Word, not just skim it over. I want to apply what Psalm 1:2 says to my life, and really meditate on God's Word. And I want to find delight in reading the Bible, to get excited about it again. For prayer, I want to learn to pray every time I wake up in the morning, and thank God for giving me another day to breathe. And at night, before I go to sleep, I want to thank Him for getting me through the day. Surely there will be other things to talk to Him about, but I think those two prayers are a must and should help me to get used to going to God more than just the 2 minutes I might give Him one day out of the week. Hopefully, God will then teach me to talk to Him throughout the day as well, and not just set times of the day. And I definitely don't want to treat Him like an ATM GOD. He's so much more worthy than that. I'm actually wondering if I can combine the first goal with this one.

3. Get more sleep.
With this, I do a little better each year, but I want this to be the best year. I don't want to pull any all-nighters. I'm aiming for eight hours a night. I don't want senior year to intimidate me. I know there's a lot of work coming, but that's all the more reason to get decent sleep. I'll better avoid getting sick and rundown, and I'll be better focused if I've had a full night's rest. Being in a single this year should help. I can make my own bedtime without a second thought. I don't have to worry about where my roommate is or when they'll be back. If I want quiet, I can have quiet (within the room anyway). If I want music, music. If I want light, light. And I won't be distracted by conversation, or even tempted to talk about stuff that doesn't matter while I've got work to do. So digging the single this year!

4. Start saying "No."
I like to say yes to a lot. This year, I have to start saying no. That's all there is to it. (No, I know it's usually more complicated than that for me.)

5. Make time for people.
This may seem contradictory to #4. I don't want saying no to mean I stop caring about people. Like I said, school gets so hectic that it feels like I'm missing a lot. God cares about people, so I need to care about people. And I don't want to limit myself to other Christians. There are people out there who haven't had a single good experience with Christians. So I don't want to go out and preach and be insincere. I want to get to know the people Jesus would have hung out with, and learn how to get to know them. I want to be genuine. And I want to make the time to pray for people. I'm so sick of listening to the pain of people's hearts and not acknowledging it. For example: A friend says, "Hey my mom died..." And I give a generic, "Oh, that sucks." The End. That didn't actually happen, but I feel like that's how I respond a lot. Very coldly. I don't want to do that! So I guess #2 and #5 are really the most important goals I have for this year.

Well, here goes! Pray for me, please!!!

Determined

I learned how to play guitar my freshman year of high school. And I used to play a lot. I was even in an all-girls band, but we didn't have a singer really so it didn't work out in that sense. But we had fun just jammin' and playing cover songs and hanging out. Anyways, when I went to college, things changed. I didn't have a whole lot of time to play guitar. I played for the worship team later on freshman year, learning all kinds of fun new songs. I played with the worship team up until junior year. I just didn't have the time, and my skills are not that great so I didn't feel bad about stepping down so that the new and more experienced people could do it. Freshman and sophomore year it had only been me and CJ, and some other people once in a while, so I felt sort of obligated, too. It was nice to get some new people who were into it and could commit.

So anyways, I've gone quite some time, about a year, without having even picked up my guitar. I've just recently decided to pick it back up. Not because I think I'm any good. I just miss it. I miss being able to just pick it up and have fun. My callouses are completely gone, though. I've been playing pretty much all day today. My fingertips are screaming. I got too the point where certain fingerings just hurt so bad that I can't suck it up and get through it, so I stop mid-song. So then I'm forced to either take a little break, or else try again and hope it doesn't hurt the next time, which it usually does. It's like starting from scratch again. I have some muscle memory as far as how to play certain chords, but it's going to be a process to get back to where I was. But I want to play again, and that's enough to keep me going.

Or perhaps there's more to it. Perhaps I'll be needing to play for a greater purpose, regardless of my lack of musical knowledge or skill. Like when I was called to the worship team freshman and sophomore year. Even then I was able to learn from friends teaching me. That's where any of my skill comes from, just learning from people along the way. It's pretty cool. I don't feel called to the worship team for next year, but I am determined to keep up playing for something possibly after college. Whether it be the young adult worship band at WEFC, or just in my own life as a way to praise God.

I just need to be careful that whatever I do with it, I do it unto the Lord, and not unto my sinful nature. I am determined. Jesus be praised!

Longing for Paint

I left all my paints at school... in my locker. I miss them. I could really go for some oils right about now. Or acrylics. Guess I'll have to settle for watercolor in the meantime. Not that I dislike watercolor. I could just really go for those oils.

Gross. I feel like I've been on the computer all day. My hips hurt. Time for bed. And I really gotta get going on that wedding stuff.

Sigh. I'm really in the mood to paint.

Spring 2008 GPA

WOOO HOOO!!! 4.0 this semester!!!

Art History - A
Figure Drawing - A
Acrylic - A
Oil - A
Junior Review - PASS!

It was the Art History that really did it for me, because I never get perfect A's in those classes. I was so surprised and so excited. The lowest grade I've gotten was the first semester of freshman year, Intro to Western Art, with a B. But I had no idea what I was doing back then. God has blessed me with knowledge and an understanding of how to study for classes like that. And I get more sleep now than I did back then, another glorious blessing from the Lord.

Anyways, totally stoked about my first straight-A semester. So no, my overall grade isn't 4.0. I wish it was. That would be sweet. Right now my overall grade is 3.82. Hm... Maybe I should retake that class... Or not.

Today and the Other Day

It's really windy outside today. I haven't left my room yet today, but I can see from my window the trees thrashing about and birds wizzing around uncontrolablly. And I saw something random. A plastic bag rolling aroung the roof of a four story building. That's a long way up for a bagto travel, despite the wind, and considering you'd expect it to be on the ground, not a roof. Hmmm. Just a weird thing to see.

Something else I found random and strange...

The other day, I saw a guy try to light a dandelion on fire. He was walking, stopped in his tracks, and lowered his lighter to the fluffy, white flower, unsuccessfully getting it to catch. He gave up shortly and went on his way.

Today's agenda: study for art history.

Almost There...

The semester is nearing its end. One by one I've been getting things done. Tuesday night I gave my art history presentation on Audrey Flack. It went well, except that the teacher had to sort of rush me at the end because it was just about the end of class and two people still had to go. Poor planning on her part, I guess.

The first three classes of presentations were assigned eight people each, but the fourth night, my night, there were about eleven or twelve of us. And we didn't start right away because we had to do teacher evaluations. Then some of us went out to her car to help bring in snacks. Lots of snacks! (I still have left over cake in my room, as well as bags of chips and such. I also brought back a two-liter bottle of lemonade and large bottle of water.) After the entire class shuffled their way to the front of the room to get their food, which took a while, we finally started. So I was a little annoyed that I had to rush the end of my presentation after all the work I did on it, knowing that if I had presented on any of the previous nights, it would have been fine to talk longer. But whatever... I said what I need to say, and now it's over with.

Last night was my Acrylic review. I spent all day working to finish my final piece, but it didn't happen. Alan (my professor) was very understanding. He actually admitted I didn't have time to do what I set out to acomplish in that piece, as it was so new and experimental for me. He said it was an important piece in my artistic journey, even though it hadn't been successful, something I'm not normally comfortable with at all. It was a very encouraging and reassuring review. He said I'm at a good point as a junior, skill-wise, work-wise, concept-wise. So yeah, good review.

This morning, I got my figure drawing portfolio ready for tomorrow. I still have to tweek a couple things so it's ready to go, but all the main stuff is out of the way. Fred told me last class that he wanted to hang onto my work for the weekend so he could have it photographed for some catalouge the art school's putting together. I'm so glad I took Fred's class this semester. I've grown a lot. And I have been humbled very much by my experience in his class. God is good! I must have been praying in my heart for a better understanding of drawing the figure all those times I longed for it. What an amazing answer! Of course, there is more to learn, more ways to improve. In time. In God's time.

Finally, Tuesday I have my oil review and Art History final. Almost there, almost done. Just waiting for that sigh of relief.

Oh To Be A Bird!

Oh, to be a bird! Waking up early. Catching the worm. Flying to heights with a beautiful view. Defiling cars from those heights, just for fun. And not a single worry about driving in traffic to get to places on time. Just get up go. You and your buddies, who were awake just as early as you, are all on the way to wherever it is you have to be going. And when you get there, not only are you early, but there is much of the day left to do all kinds of birdly things. And you never worry about where your next meal is coming from because God feeds you, and you know it. Oh, to be a bird!

Living Simply

I think I would be perfectly content living without a lot of stuff. I know I don't have as much stuff as some people, but I still think I have too much. I'm still very involved with, and preoccupied by, technology and getting as much done in one day as I possibly can. But I know I'd be okay without those things. When I went to New Orleans last spring, I had to live with the bare minimum: shelter, a place to sleep, food, water. Yes, there was running water and electricity for lights, yet the daily routine was so restful and laid back. We did have a lot packed into each day, sometimes getting little sleep, but there wasn't the stress of rapidly going from one thing to the next. I was able to rest AND be productive.

We stayed at an old gymnasium that was connected to a small church. They had to hold church services in the gym part though because the flooding had caused so much damage to the sanctuary. As ruined and dirty as the entire place seemed, though, it soon became a comfortable, familiar, and hospitable place during my week-long stay. I slept on a cot at night. I loved it! In the early morning, some of us would meet for prayer in the sanctuary, with almost no light and no no chairs. Then breakfast would be whatever they were serving. And it didn't matter to me because I was just grateful to have food. After breakfast, we'd make our sandwiches and bag them for later. Then we'd go to the work sites. I learned how to do sheetrock and did that for a week staight at the same house. Again, I loved it! We'd break only for lunch. Then the bus would pick us up and bring us back to the church, where we'd hang out and take showers until an early dinner. Again, I'd eat whatever was served. There weren't a hundred meal options to choose from. It was nice not having to think about it. After dinner, I'd hang out until the evening Bible study. Then I'd either stay and chat or go go to bed. Such a wonderful routine! Start the day with God, serve with God, end the day with God... and no internet access, no meetings to attend, and no stressing out over work. To live that simply was my earthly Utopia. When I got back to campus, I was disgusted with how much stuff I had, and how dependent I was on the computer.

The thing that sparked this thought happened tonight when I returned to my room after a long day. I had packed my computer for class earlier, and so when I got back, I didn't take it back out right away. I just made myself a cornbeef sandwich for dinner, sat at the empty desk, and ate. I didn't do anything else. I simply sat and ate. No internet, no phone, no homework, just dinner. It was relaxing. But of course, I felt the need to blog about this wonderfully simple experience. See? My dependence on technology. Yuck. And I check my email like ten times a day. And it's late now, yet I had wanted to go to bed early.

I want to live simply... and with less stuff.

Good night.

God Through the Woman in Yellow

It's amazing how God can use one seemingly insignificant situation to bring you back to Him. Other people might bring something to you over and over, trying to get you to see the error of your ways, not because they are out to get you but because they love and care about you. But being the stubborn, prideful monkey that you are, you don't really let what they are saying to you soak in enough to effect you. You know they are concerned, yet you are too stubborn to admit they are right. So out of your own stubbornness, you continue on the way you've been going, regardless of what you know to be the right way.

Then God Himself comes and gives you a push. Subtle, yet so convicting. Through someone I don't even know, and may never know, He showed me the severity of the choice I was making not to spend time with Him. It's funny how a direct message won't cause you to budge, but then the indirect happens and you just get it.

Praise God!

No Run-All Circles and Two Pieces

I woke up early this Monday morning to go run, and just like almost every other day since I've started the group, no one showed up. And being the unmodivated scaredy-cat that I am, not wanting to run alone, I went back to the room. But the morning was not a complete waste. No, it was quite nice outside this morning. The air was cool and fresh, and there were birds chirping. Also, despite my sleepiness and lack of physical endurance building, I did manage to come across twenty-one cents along the way. A dime on my way down the back stairway, eight pennies scattered on the front porch of Konover, another penny in a parking space nearby, and two more in the grass on the way back. To add to the pile was a penny I'd found some days ago, still waiting in my coat pocket to be dealt with. So I cleaned up my findings and fed them to Penguin. He was quite satisfied.

On another note...

Praise God! I got a call last night from MCC about two illustration pieces I submitted over the weekend. They both made it into the show! Totally wasn't expecting that. I remember thinking, as Adam and I left that Friday night, after handing them in, that I shouldn't have bothered. I had seen other artwork in the room that was probably being submitted, and it was all so good. And I saw the long list of other pieces entered as I wrote down my info underneath them. I was doing that self-doubt thing again, telling myself I wouldn't be suprised if I didn't even make it into the show. I'm really not good enough, I thought. How could I possibly compete with so many other artists who are probably all ten times better than me? What have I gotten myself into? And then I regretted putting anything in. Now here I am, trying to find a ride to the Opening/Awards reception for Tuesday. So yeah, PRAISE GOD!!!

Although, I'm still doing the doubt thing. Not about winning. I don't care about winning, really. But I wonder how harsh the judging was. What was the judge looking for? Technique, draftsmanship, idea, composition, execution? How much was taken into account? Did they have a gallery quota to fill? Was I one of the last choices to fill it? I was joking with Adam that the only reason I got in was because they saw an acurately drawn ear in one piece and glowing watercolor eggs in the other, both compliments of Dennis Nolan.

Dennis is one of my professors. He's always stressing the importance of being able to draw the ear the right way because there are so many artists out there who don't know how. As far as the eggs go, I had no idea how to paint them when Dennis gave us that assignment, and he showed me what colors to use and how to use them to get the right effect. I've learned a lot from him.

Still, I tend to doubt my abilities as an artist. Couldn't tell you why. But praise God! I'm in the show! I think it might be His way to encourage me and reaffirm the abilities He's gave me.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
-Psalm 139:14

Hard Words

I'm not very good at speaking. I have a hard time with words. I like words. I know words. But when it comes to using them when I really need to, I can really mess them up. And the way I process doesn't help. I usually don't have everything thought through as much as I'd like, but it takes me forever to process my thoughts and if I always waited until I was completely done processing, I would never get anything done. And there would be a lot of very impatient people. So sometimes I end up processing out loud after processing in my head for a while.

Do you ever have those conversations that you know you need to have with a person? The ones that are not really easy. Actually, they are very hard conversations to have. Some people are good at the confrontation thing. I'm not one of those people, unfortunately. But God has been growing my sense of maturity and responsibility. This year has been one of great change for me. Instead of brushing problems aside, problems that I might have with other people, He's been teaching me how to approach them out of love. Not just out of love for them, but love for myself and for God. It's gotten to the point where I make sure to make time to talk to that person, no matter how hard it will be. Sometimes it's an anger issue, sometimes it's a jealousy issue. Once I can address the emotions getting in the way of loving someone as I should, it is easier for me to think about the situation more clearly, for what it is. Or at least more so than I would have had I not processed through it first. God is good.

Still, making that move to finally talk to them is always the hardest, because there's no guarentee that the way things go in my head will happen in real life.

Sigh... I'm working on it.

God is good.

Once upon a morning...

Okay, so I don't remember writing half of the last entry. I'm still tired, but God is good! And here I am, awake at almost 11am, still with nothing much for sleep. Mandy prayed with me this morning. It was a beautiful prayer, and very humbling. I'm going to try to enjoy my day praising God for all that He does for me. Even as simple as waking me up every morning.

(I'm not really in a good mood anymore now. Stupid cell phones. Stupid technology.)

Can't Sleep

I went to sleep around 12am or 1am. I awoke around 3:something AM. The room above was booming with voices, and my head was swarming with thoughts. It still is. Nothing in particular, except maybe on tomorrow nights performance. The air is so dry here. For the past two years I've been telling myself to get a humidifier. Still nothing. I wake up all the time, unhealthily thirsty, on the verge of a coughing spasm because my throat is so parched. And with little aid from the water bottle awaiting its use on the stool beside my bed, I somehow manage to drift back into sleep. But only for a short time before waking up to answer nature's beckoning call.

Tonight, however, there has been no drifting back into sleep. It's 6:30 in the morning and I just haven't been able to sleep. So here I am, having given up trying to get comfortable for the past three hours, typing a blog entry about it.

It's still dry in here. I still can't sleep.

Other random musings...

The people upstairs are still awake. I thought about calling in a noise complaint, but in my consideration for others, I decided I didn't wanted to call the RA's at such an ungodly hour. Yes, I could argue that it's their job, but I'm not like that. I know they're students, too. And I don't have Friday classes so it's not entirely severe.

It snowed last night. I walked in it. It was pretty.

There's a kid in my acrylic class illustrating himself with a pickle for a nose. Ew! I hate pickles. And I thought that if there were some kind of life-or-death situation in which I had to eat a pickle, I would still have a really hard time doing it. I tried to eat a pickle for money once. That'll never happen again.

It's still really freaking dry in here. Water isn't helping. At all. One second of relief, then back to a mouth full of sand.

If all the world's a stage and all its people players, who's doing tech crew?

Well, it's definitely light out. Quarter 'til 7. Time for another attempt at adding sleep hours onto the only one or two I have.

Sigh.

A New Challenge

So, I'm taking another figure drawing class this semester. I got totally hooked on it last semester and thought it in my best interest to keep up with it. Now I'm taking it with Fred Wessel, who has a very different approach to the figure. Not a better or worse way than I learned from Doug Andersen, just different. Doug focuses more on proportion and structure of the pose, and how to shade the forms right so everything fits together the way it's supposed to. Fred started us off with gesture lines, as Doug did, but even more so. He is very much into the spirit of the pose, and the poetry in the movement of the human body.

I think it's a good thing that I'm taking Fred's class after Doug's class. Because I've gotten the figure down better now, and know how to make the forms fit together better, I'm having a blast just going with the flow. But there are still some key things I want to work on. Like, the male figure. I do okay with long poses, but when it comes to gesture drawing a male figure, I tend to make it very curvy and feminine looking. And I want to get better at differenciating between the female and the male hips/pelvis. And forshortening is always a challenge, especially on shorter poses. I want to get better at spotting the position of the ribcage in those complex poses, as well as the angle of the shoulders and hips. AND... I've gotten quite comfortable with charcoal and toned paper. I think it's time I stepped outside my comfort zone, and into another area of criticism and improvement.

Onward to the figure!