Feeling Slightly Convicted

I'm in Rocky Hill right now, typing this up on the Adam's laptops. Adam's actually not here right now. He's doing the music for a wedding but should be home soon. Somewhere in the house, his brother is relaxing, maybe watching a movie or sleeping after the nice long shower he took. Tim and Denise are out at some sort of company picnic, and I've been left alone to some peace and quiet.

This morning, I helped my mom at her place with moving boxes and belonging to Joan's house. Eventually, I would have gone back to my dad's house to be there for his company picnic, but I knew I would just get stuck there with nothing to do except listen to business talk or things I knew nothing about, all the while listening to the same country station (or something similar in terms of music). I'm not saying country is bad, but to listen to the same station for hours can be brutal. As it turns out, I found a tiny window of time that allowed me the opprtunity to hang out with Adam. Originally, we didn't think we'd be able to work it out and find time to get together.

But part of me still feels a bit guilty leaving my dad on such sort notice. He had said my sisters and I didn't have to stick around for the picnic, but deep down I think he wanted us to be there to meet the people he works with. Now that I think about it... He's opening his home to them to honor them for their hard work (he's one of the bosses) and to show them the house where he lives and to meet his family. But his family won't even be there now. I'm here in Rocky Hill, Emily will be at a conncert, and Kaylee might stick around for a little while. He should be able to say to his friends and co-workers, "Welcome to my home. This is the house, and these are my three beautiful daughters." How am I supposed to honor my father if I'm not there?

Don't get me wrong, I want to be here in Rocky Hill, hanging out with Adam. I am very fond of him. But sometimes I can't decide if I'm doing things because I want to, or if God is putting it on my heart to do so. On the upside of being here, I've had some quiet time to myself, which I've used to nap, read, and write this entry. I would not have been able to do so had I been home. On the downside, I am not home where I probably should be. And I feel convicted.

Well, I'm going to spend some time alone with God before Adam comes home.

Just Picking Up the Pieces

Missy, an old friend of mine, just left. We went out for pizza, stopped to visit another old friend at work, and got ice cream tonight. It was nice to catch up since we hadn't really seen each other, or even communicated, for almost a year. We were best friends back in 8th and 9th grade. It's amazing how time changes things, but even more so how much people stay the same. Then again, it had only been a year since I saw her last, so it should be no suprise that she was still the same nice, spunky girl I remembered. But after my first year of college, my high school days seem so far away. I guess that's just the way things go. I was a different person back then. I know that. I mean, I didn't know where I was going, and... well, I still don't. Not exactly. But I know I have a calling, a purpose, a plan set by God Himself. I've been changing according to that plan. Right now I'm just trying to sort through the pieces of life that are laid before me.

Along the way I accumulated pieces from other people or from certain events in my life. I forced them together with other pieces even though they didn't match. They just barely fit, and as I moved on some of them eventually fell away from my life's puzzle. I will admit there are pieces I lost that I probablly should have hung on to, should have taken better care of. There are pieces I'm still looking for, some that I've lost, others that I have yet to discover. And there are pieces I never want to see again. I've burned the cheap cardboard they were made of.

The time I spent with Missy today was very laid back and refreshing. At the end of her visit, just before she left my house, I almost cried. I suddenly felt as if one of my missing pieces was found, only this time I fit it in a place closer to where it should be. I'm not sure when it had lost, but it certainly had been for some time. And it came back cleaned and refreshed with a new scent.

And there are the pieces that you are glad you lost. Maybe it's the equivallent to the bad influence of a person you knew. You still feel for them, maybe cry even knowing where they are in life, what a bad place they are in. You used to care about them and still do, and so it hurts to hear about the downward spiral they've gotten into. But there's nothing you can do except pray for them, or maybe offer them your support as only a friend can. Of course you can't give them everything they will need. Maybe just a place to stay, a hot meal, and send them off with some money, enough for a cab or the next meal. Okay, I'm getting off topic. I guess it was just good to see them both again...

Celebrate Bad Times (C'mon!)

Wow. If anyone ever had a doubt in his mind about God's power or even God's existence, the testimonies of people who have been saved by God would surly persuade him to think otherwise. To hear the stories of people who had once hit rock bottom, who had been abused on all levels by others or by themselves, who had come inches from death, who had thought once that they were worthless or useless, or who didn't care if they woke up the next day, is an amazing experience. When you see these people after hearing such stories, you are left wondering, "How could this person have ever been like that? They look as though they've lived this way forever."

I heard the testimony of a woman who had once been a heroin addict. She had been sexually and emotionally abused. She had gone to the hospital several times for overdosing on drugs and even flat-lined once. She had also been with child before, but lost the baby. While she spoke of these things, I was amazed because before me sat a beautiful woman. She was clean and healthy-looking, staying sober, and despite all she had been through, she somehow had the strength to talk about it. She was a follower of Christ and truly believed He was the Savior of her soul and the Lord of her life.

There are thousands of stories like that, all told by unique people, individual souls. Each story belongs to one person, but they share the same way to recovery. And the way to their recovery is Jesus Christ. Wow... if I ever have a doubt about the wonders of God, all I have to do is think of all the people who have been changed by Him. And when people say things like, "Why does God let bad things happen" it's easy to see through these people that everything happens for a reason.

God loves us all so much, even in our darkest times. It's when we believe the lies of this world that we don't see the good that comes out of bad situations. The evil one wants us to turn on God and see Him as the enemy, but really satan is the enemy. He fills ours minds with lies from this world, leading us to believe that we are worthless or that God doesn't care about us. It's garbage! No one in the world can love like God. He let His only Son suffer a horrible death so that we could be saved, so that we would have a chance to find the way to freedom. Jesus could have just as easily said, "I am your Son, Lord! Why would You let this happen?" But He didn't. And because of His sacrafice and willing acceptance of his crucifixion, we were saved, and He rose again to life. He is the Lord of death and the Lord of life. When we are dying, He is longing to make us whole again, to bring us back to life.

I love my Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I am lost, incomplete, and weak. He has guided me through a divorced home and many other downfalls in my life. I will never be able to thank Him enough for saving my life and saving so many others. My God is an awesome God. No other being can even compare. Amen!

Tears

There are all kinds of tears.
There are tears of joy,
tears of pain,
tears of saddness,
tears of stress,
tears of fear,
and sometimes tears of the unknown.

Tears of joy come when a person is so overwhelmingly happy or full of love that the only thing for that person to do is cry. You might see a lot of crying at a wedding, for instance. Maybe the marriage proposal alone was followed by tears as the bride-to-be willingly said, "Yes!" And I can assure you that nearly everytime a baby is born, someone is crying with joy.

But for that baby to be born, tremendous amounts of pain must be endured by the woman. She may tear up as her body works its hardest to push the baby from her womb. It is physical pain that causes these kind of tears. It's common for kids to run around a lot, going on the adventures that they do. It is to be expected that they are going to fall down, scrape their knees, maybe break something in their young little bodies. When that happens, they may cry. They have been hurt. They feel pain. Sometimes the only release for pain is crying. It doesn't necessarily make the pain go away, but crying just seems to be the thing to do when all you feel is pain.

This brings me to tears of saddness. Specifically saddness from heartache. It is not the same as physical pain. Rather, it is an emotional pain. Say a girl and boy have be dating for quite some time. She starts to fall for him, but without warning, he breaks it off. The girl cries for days afterward. She has been hurt emotionally. Now maybe she was thinking he was "the one," but it never cross his mind about her in the same way. Last night I saw the movie, Love Actually. There are all different kinds of love stories going on at once. In one case, a husband becomes fond of another woman. His wife finds out and cries alone in the bedroom, terribly sad about was is happening. But tears of saddness do not always come from a romance gone wrong. No, after the death of a loved one there is great mourning. At wakes and funerals people cry in remorse over the loss of someone they cared deeply for. This is a saddness that is sometimes lingers. Depression is a rising condition these days it seems. I can't tell you why so many people are sad (as a follower of Christ, I have my own guesses but...anyways), but whatever the reason, I think the tears of sassness are the ones people that people cry the most.

Stress. It comes with work, school, and many other things. It happens when you have a lot to accomplish in a short period of time, or when you have to do the same thing everyday so you can make money. Or maybe it's just every priority of the week running through your head, and you have no idea where you are going to get the energy to do it all. Wake up the kids and get them ready for school, call to make a doctor's appointment for yourself, dentist appointments for the kids, see that they get on the bus safely, make lunch for your husband, get to work on time, deal with clients, sketch out some thumbnails for the designs they want you to do, sketch more beacause they didn't like the first ones, go out on get the supplies you'll need, spend hours on end creating this project, take a short break for food and restroom, continue hours of work on the same huge project, start sketching ideas for the other four clients designs that are dues only weeks from now, leave work, pick up the kids from the after school program, get home, make sure they do their homework, get dinner going, do laundry, unload the dish washer, vaccuum the living room, get ready for company... the list of things to do is crazy and you have to do the same thing just about everyday. On top of this you want to see the kids grow up and want to spend time with them, be a good parent, be a good wife. And then you get to the doctor's and find out you've got something that you need medicine for, or one of the kids has four cavities from eating too much candy when you weren't around. What a world of stress we live in! One day, you just have a break down and start crying. You're exhausted from homelife and worklife and just hit that point where you need to let all of this built up stress out somehow. It's been bottled up too long and now... you cry, sob even. Tears run down your face without any sign of stopping. Those are the kinds of tears that come from overwhelming stress. The world around you is moving so fast and you seem to be stuck where you are.

Fear. You've seen the horror films where something horrible is about to happen to the victim. The victim sees a giant spider coming toward her. She is frozen in place with fear. She knows she's about die. The spider comes closer, touching her face with its hairy legs. Her breath is short and fast as she tries to not make any noise. Tears begin to roll down her face. Scarey situations will drive people to tears. Even the thought of moving on from high school brings about fear. The fear of the world ahead, not knowing what to expect. Sometimes just being scared can make a person cry. Another example is the fear of commitment. People in relationships are scared of the consequences of a wrong decision. Or they've been hurt before and are scared they'll be hurt again. Certain situations in new relationships may spark old memories that cause them to cry.

And finally, tears of the unknown. Every once in a while, something will happen inside me and I just tear up. That happened last night as I lied in bed. I got a little teary and didn't know why. It may have been a combination of some of the previous types of tears I mentioned. Not sure. I wasn't sad... or maybe I was. But I felt happy for sure! I felt fluttery... then again, my heart was tingling in a strange way. And I think I may have been scared at the same time, though I don't know what of. I've been pretty content lately, so I don't think it was stress causing my tears. I don't know if I was indirectly hurting in someway... but I know I was happy overall, whatever the tears were from. A better example is when paeople have a spiritual experience. Maybe it's when they accept Christ into their life. Something comes over them, something indescribable. They are just filled with love and fear and joy and are so completely in awe of God's grace that they fall to their knees and cry out to be saved. Some people cry and they just don't know why.

These are my thoughts on tears. I think what happened to me last night prompted this discussion with myself. Why did I cry? What kind of tears were they? The act of crying in itself is a wonderful and mysterious thing even in the more negative connotations it has. I'm sure the types of tears can be looked into much further, but that's all for now. It took me all day to finish this entry, what with the interuptions and all.

Driving (My Wonderful Week)

Driving, driving, driving
Where will I go?
Where do I want to be?
Who am I with?
Who do I want to see?

To a house of grandeur
Pool and canine included
The fun that it brought
Completely exclusive
A mother, a friend,
A brother, and then
Just the two of us
And dear caramel

But not the topping
On our cream
Cold and sweet
A pleasant treat
With crispy rain
Atop the mound
From which we scooped
And swallowed down

So thank you, Lord
For all you do
What fun we had
And time with You
A time much needed
For us and for You
How perfect Your plan
For a bored, lonely two!

Hot dogs for breakfast
On the last day
Before we shoved off
And went on our way
Packed and ready to go
Then miles of road
Miles of road
The road

Driving, driving, driving
Fast and slow, stop and go
This time with mother and sibblings
And male friend, too
We laughed, we joked, told stories, and the like
Then flashing lights
Of authority went by
Oh, my!
An under cover scapegoat revealed
But they, too
May have been in the wrong
Just as we were
Another path to laughter
Just the same

Uppon arrival the cousins came
Swift and hugging
A family missed ever so much
Until reunion sunk in
More fun and games
Then to the place
Where ocean collided with the sand
It would be ours for a short while
And afterwards, we showered clean
The air was tainted
With salt and soapy fragrances

One night time spent above the sand
Then a message to turn in for the night
An early morning followed
With a rising sun in the distant sky
A place too far to swim to
Peaceful and in good company
A dear friend at my side
Embraced by our Father
As well as by each other
Then away to rock ourselves
To sleep once more

We awakened for the stampede
A young woman of my blood
Crossed the line in sixteenth
Out of a thousand other females at least
Hoo-rah!
What a weekend of events we had!
Mini-golf, the grove, games, and cafe
How happy and sad a time
On the closing day
Hugs, farewell, with love and concern
A penny found can be a penny earned
Word

And home once again
A chance for building endurance
A chance to cool down
In more ways than one
Food, movie, cake and ice cream
Double feature
Sleepy, but I made it through
'T was my favorite, after all

And then you had to drive again
Driving, driving, driving
At the end of a wonderful week
I like you...

The Whole Week Off

It's quite late and I'm desperate for sleep, but I feel like blogging a few things while they are on my mind. As said in my last entry, I work at a tuxedo shop. I got paid at the end of this week, Friday. In a few days I will be on my way to Boston to see the 4th of July happenings. I'll be going with my dearest friends, Chelsea and Craig, and my special someone. (I think some other people might be going, but anyways...)

Normally, I work four days a week, Tuesday through Friday. Eileen doesn't need me on Saturdays, so she doesn't have me work. Then Sundays and Mondays the store is closed. This week, however, Eileen is taking four days off for the holiday. The store will be closed Saturday through Tuesday. I told her I'd be away all week except maybe Tuesday, but even then I wasn't sure I'd be back. Thursday through Sunday I'll be in Jersey. So I ended up getting the whole week off from work this coming week. Business is slow for now anyways, so it'll be good for Eileen not to have to pay me this week. I won't get to see Marina, the girl I work with, until the following week. She said she was going to miss me, and so I left her a note pinned to the back table, telling her I'd be with her in spirit.

And now... my plans for the untimate upcoming week!
(I'm sure what I've been telling you so far has not kept your interest in the slightest bit, and for that I appologize. I tend to write out pointless information at times, but it is info that is important to me. Please bare with me.)

Saturday, today rather (kind of yesterday now...1:26 AM) I did some garden work with my mom. I got sunburned on my shoulders in the process. Man, was it HOT out! But I'm totally stoked about the physical labor part. As tiring as it was, I feel like my arms are getting stronger, in addition to lifting dresses and vaccuuming and pressing shirts at the tuxedo shop all day. The garden looks so much better now that Mom's had her way with it. Later, Kaylee, my sis, and I played a PS2 game that we started together a few days ago. That's what our bonding time consists of... video games. But not to excess, and we DO too (correct use of "too"?) bond in other ways. Then a bon fire at Lauren's house ended the night slendidly.

Sunday, I'll hopefully go to church in Meriden with Mom. I'll be expecting Adam the same day, only later on. Then begins the real fun! Adam is coming Sunday night. We'll leave my house Monday morning for Rocky Hill. Not sure what's happening after that... spending the night I guess. Then Tuesday we're headed for Woodstock to pick up Chels and Craig, and finally to Boston we'll go!

Wednesday... back in RH. Thursday... NEW JERSEY!!! Family, friends, beach, games, and just a whole weekend that's sure to be packed with fun! Maybe I'll write more later. I've already written more than needed in this entry. A waste of your time, I'm sure. Again, just a way for me to get some stuff down and out.

Have a good weekend, kids! Peace and love...