Illustration Major +

Ah...

Last night, I got to bed at a wonderful time. About 10:30PM. I had finished my math paper the night before so that I wouldn't have to worry about it the following night along with an illustration piece, both due today. So I finished the illustration last night at a very decent time. Then I was able to get ready for bed and cuddle up with my dear, Adam. I fell asleep fairly soon. The only time I awoke was around midnight when he had to leave. I got about eight or nine hours of sleep total. It felt great! I would like to get more sleep like that if I can help it.

So anyways... I had my critique this morning in illustration. It went exactly how I thought it would. I was not at all into the piece, not happy with my technique, not content with the values, and unsure how to resolve the hair on the girl in the picture. I liked the composition, but overall, I didn't like the outcome of the piece. And as Chelsea and I walked to class, I predicted just how my crit would go. I would tell the class that I wasn't very satisfied with the piece, and they would like it anyways. And that is what happened. I explained how I felt about it as best I could, but my teacher said he didn't agree with me. My classmates took his side and said they didn't know what I was talking about. The only thing he said that needed fixing was the hair. So, at least I don't have to go back into it too much, especially since I didn't enjoy working on it. Whatever.

Okay. Something somewhat unrelated that has been on my mind: what should I major in? What do I want to focus on while I'm here at the very expensive University of Hartford? What field am I most likely to find a job in? What can I do for a living and still have fun with?

All these kinds of questions had been haunting me (ha ha... Halloween-ish reference) for some time. I talked to my advisor last week about majoring in illustration and minoring in design. So I figured out my possible schedule for next semester (after I talked to him, had to go back for approval). But I came to the realization that I don't really like design that much, even though it would be a smart choice for my career path. I'm just not into sitting in front of a computer for hours straight. And I'm slow at it because I don't have a great handle on the programs. My other thought was to minor in sculpture because I like to build things and work with my hands. But I know I have no future in sculpture. So I finally figured out that I'm going to stick with design and get what I can out of it while I'm here. And even if I don't go anywhere with it, I'm sure the things I learn in design will not go to waste. I can apply it to other aspects of my future career. And maybe I can even do small jobs with it that knowledge. Like flyers for businesses or clubs or whatever. I've done stuff like that before for people I know. Very small, simple things, like just conveying information to people.

So when I came to that thought, it was easier for me to tell my advisor I was going to stick with the design minor. And what the heck? I can still do other things outside of my major or minor without having a concentration in it. Like sculpture. I like it enough where I can probably do it on the side. Maybe as a hobby. And I know somewhat how to paint if I wanted to.

Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Or work on my stippling piece for the showcase on Thursday.

Good night.

"Spending Time"

Just so happens that my schedule is empty
But still there's no room for You
The time has come and gone
Things have come along that take me away from you
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?
When we first met I remember I'd do anything for You
But as the years go by
I let my attentions slide
And I'm pulling away from You
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that
You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?

These are the lyrics from a Stellar Kart song. They may not be deep or profound, but I can relate to them. I think that is what I like the most about my favorite Christian bands. Not only are they clean songs to listen to, but they make it clear that Christians are not perfect. I know that I am far from perfect. I can try to be a good person, but if it is not for God, then there is something missing from my life. I go through each day with good intentions, but lately I have felt far away from God. And it hurts. I feel empty. Passionless.

This song does not speak to me as much as some songs do, but having listened to it a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I've been doing exactly what the song mentions. When I do have free time in my busy college schedule, I tend to do everything except spend time with the One person who created me, the One who holds the plans of my life. I don't know what happened to the girl who was once so on fire for God and was willing to go where ever He sent her, but I wish she would come back, even if just for a visit so that I might experience true joy of the heart again.

My roommate and I had started the year doing daily devotionals, but we eventually fell out of that routine. It's sad really. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like back when I was Catholic (and I'm not downing Catholics; I just found a different path for my spiritual journey). Although, I still get more out of church now than I did back then. I dunno. I'm just meandering through the siritual flatlands right now.

Anyways... Stellar Kart. Cool band. Fun music. Yeah.

Overwhelming

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.

You spent how much on what???

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.