A Response for Nina

I had started responding to Nina's comment on my last entry, but realized it was a topic worthy of its own post. So thank you to Nina for the inspiring discussion-provoking comment to "Home Again, Home Again."

*Just to clarify, when I use generalizing words like "us" and "we" and "our", I am referring to the people who fall into the category for which this topic is addressing, and unless otherwise stated. I know not everyone got everthing handed to them*

To Nina/Pensive Entry:

I think I have to agree with you on the part about how we've been given too much help. The generation before us (namely our parents) grew up in huge families (or at least my parents did) and had to work for everything they have. Maybe because their parents were busy just getting by and keeping the kids fed. My upbringing was not so harsh. In fact, I have been very blessed and I do not take that for granted. I have the kind of father who has worked hard every day of his life to provide for his family, even before he had a family to support. My mom has also worked very hard, both in the work place and at home to raise her children. They supported my sisters and I in many ways.

But we really never had to work for anything because everything was given to us. Not against our parents' wills, but because they wanted to give us as much as they could, as their way of loving us, as their way of providing for us. My dad particularly has always been vocal about not wanting us (me and my sisters) to worry about anything. For example, there was never any pressure to get a job while we were in school, because he wanted us to be able to focus on school. He's the kind of dad who just hands you money without being asked. Or asks if we need money, and no matter what the answer is, gives it to us.

It's definitely a good thing to provide for your children, but I think you are correct in saying, Nina, that in some areas of life we've been given to much help. And some areas, none at all. And the problems of finding a job, or planning financially for the future, are an afterthought that come only now that they are on top of us. I'm feeling the sting of having little work experience to put on my resume or on applications for jobs. I find myself scraping to find proof that I can work well. So many jobs descriptions I've come across call for experienced individuals, even things as common as waitressing.

My dad told me the other day he would pay me for the chores I've been doing, or to have me weed the garden and such. It's one thing to be making money, which is good, but I can't put "chores" on a resume. And we were never taught how to get jobs, how to look presentable and the like, or how to start a savings account so could gain interest, or how to cook or bake, or how to sew or knit, or how to hunt or fish, or how to change a tire. Those are the kinds of things we've picked up along the way, whether from do-it-yourself research, from friends, or from school.

And we haven't been given a whole lot of room to fail, and so we are scared of taking risks, whether it be jobs or relationships or what have you. In my case, I'm not used to job interviews, and it takes everything in me to put forth the effort to do what I'm afraid of doing. I've never paid bills before either. I don't pay for my cell, car insurance, and I'm not paying for college. Not looking forward to bills.

This is all sort of processing "out loud" if you will. I'm making this sound way worse that it is. I know I'm a hard worker because I learned from my parents that it's important. But I have my lazy days. I guess there are extremes. The extreme of having spoiled your kids so that they grow up being lazy and unmotivated, and of working so hard that you burn yourself out and have no life. There needs to be a balance. Working hard but enjoying life.

I guess at the end of all this, I can say... While perhaps the previous generation hindered our world survival skills by helping too much, we are adults now and it is our responsibility to see our problems for what they are, and own up to what's ours. It would be far more responsible to address the areas of our lives that need improvement, as difficult as it may be, instead of living in the past with a finger pointing at those who we think are to blame. Because at the end of the day, they are still our problems. I think we are part of a generation who recognizes this, at least to some degree, and we are all struggling to figure it out together. We would be wise to seek the knowledge and experience of others as a means of survival and growth. And to be motivating each other as we go through the same struggles... well, I'm looking forward to a time when we being to close the gaps together.

And finally, to give credit where credit is due: God is the only one who can truly fill us where we are empty. He's the only one who can guide us through the struggles of our finite understanding. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I will do my best to put my trust in Him, though I do not know His plans for my life. Job? No job? God is good all the time. He is sovereign and His will prevails despite ourselves. Praise!

Home Again, Home Again

It's so frustrating being home now. After four years of being independent, responsible, and completely on my own schedule, I am back in the stressful environment of expectations, chores, and everything else that makes me long to be on my own again.

I do not have a job yet. I have not been completely neglecting that. I've put myself out there several times now and without luck. I even considered the possibility of grad school, which I researched and spent time getting more information on. I've also had wedding planning to to do, and still have a long way to go on that. On top of all that, I do chores around the house, errands for my dad, and the like.

And even more to add, now that I'm out of school, I have no classes to go back to where I am forced to be motivated to make art. Drawing everyday is something my professors encouraged us to do. I know that if I don't put in a serious effort, I will get rusty and the skills I just spent four years honing will become lost. I've been doing okay so far, but I've missed a few days here and there. So I try to do a little extra some days to catch up, if you will.

Anyways, I can't wait to get out of this house. I love my family and all; I'm just getting sick of living under the pressure of being asked everyday "what did you do today?" Because I never have an answer that feels like it's enough. I know I am always doing something, but at the end of some days I review what I did and it seems like it wasn't productive at all. I don't realize how much time I like putting into my sketches or paintings. And doing anything online, like wedding stuff or digital art, takes up more time than I would like it, too. I feel like people assume that because I'm on the computer when they see me it means that's all I do and I'm lazy. I start to feel that way, too, but I remind myself that I'm not doing nothing. I'm not a lazy bum just sitting at the computer all day playing games or some crap like that.

And I'm sick of dad getting upset about all the little things. Some of it I get and he's right, but other times I shut down because it's so discouraging. Can't do anything right. I have a horrible short term memory, which doesn't help so that I'll admit is my fault, but I do try. Some days I do everything that was asked of me yet there's still something wrong. And the days I forget everything, well... I'm just screwed.

I'm just venting. I'm so aggravated. I just want to get married and have my own place. I put enough pressure on myself. I don't need it from anyone else. Gah!