The Truth Will Set You Free

He is very good at using miscommunication against us. Words, sentences, sometimes whole convorsations even are misinterpreted. Because of this, anger or hurt can be given birth to. And they grow until an understanding is reached. If we don't get things settled, he just keeps using it to get his way. He just keeps feeding off of our weaknesses. And we don't even realize what he's doing most of the time because he hides himself.

Who am I talking about? Who is it that plays these tricks on us? Yes, the evil one.

The other night, Adam called my cell. We had planned to talk before bed, while making sure we would both get to bed early. He asked me what I was doing. At the time he called, I was in Kaylee's room with her and my mom. There was a show on, House, playing on my Kay's little TV. I was just sort of hanging out with them, watching the screen. I didn't know what was going on because I don't follow House, nor do I care to. I don't really watch television anymore. It doesn't catch my fancy like it used to.

Adam knows this. But when I told him that I was watching House with Kaylee and my mom, something inside him heard, "I'm busy watching your favorite show, while you have given it up to talk to me, but I will talk to you later." That is not actually what I said, but that is what was interpreted, and it hurt him. I then told him I was all ready for bed. So he said something along the lines of , "Oh, okay. I guess I'll talk to you later then." It was a very strange goodbye, but I wasn't sure why. I hadn't picked up on his hurt because I had no idea there was such a misunderstanding between us.

Later, when he called back, he was very upset. This time I picked up on it. I think he said something like, "How was House?" And I mentioned that I hadn't been paying particualr attention. Then I asked him if he was okay. He told me to wait. There was a pause. Then he came back and said that he had just needed a moment to cool down. It turns out he was actually angry when he called this time. But we figured out where the misunderstanding had been. I reassured him that I would never choose a television show over him. I would have much rather talked to him that try to figure out what was going on in a show I never watch. We both apologized for what had happened and went about our nightly, bedtime talk. Next time we will be more careful about letting Satan take his hold on us like that.

How easily we fall from Truth! That Truth was present the entire time, and yet we were deceived, fed a lie. That is how we fall. We trust a lie over Truth and get hurt. I hate evil. I wish to cling to what is good. I don't like feeling an unease between me and my love.

Let me say "I do" (to Jesus)

I should be in bed, but there is a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. It is my excuse for now. I can't help it. I am wide awake. I guess that's what happens when one sleeps until half past noon. And as it is, there is lots on my mind. And I just feel like writing. Not for long, though, because I want to uphold my end of the bargain. Urbana is coming soon and this week is needed for rest to prepare. I also hope I have something else this week, regardless of its unpleasantness, so that I do not have to put up with it AT Urbana.

I'm trying out this new font. Or at least I think it's new. I'm not really sure what font my other entries are in. Actually, I'm not even sure if they consist of serifs or not. Whatever. This will do for now.

Oh, man! God is so good! It took I while to get where I am now, and I am still struggling to get closer to where I want to be, but God is good through all I've been though and what I must eventually come to.

And now I shall close with some lyrics from a Jars of Clay song called "Only Alive":

I'm a fair weather friend
I'm a colorless view
but I'm willin' to make a deal
If you think you can make some faith here inside
I'll drive off and marry you

I'm only alive with you
I can't get by and I won't get through
So put me in the river and let me say I do
I'm only alive with you

Cherry Scented (inspired by a night with Chelsea and Craig)

A woman exited her place of work one Friday afternoon. It was lunch time, and she wanted to try out the new deli down the street, instead of the diner she jogged five blocks to everyday. The deli was only two blocks away, and so she thought that if she liked it, she would be able to sit and eat slower before rushing back to work. Her cell phone rang half way there. She dug through her purse to get it. Just in time.

"Hello?"

"Judy? Hey, this is Linda."

"Oh! Hey, Linda! How is everything?"

Linda proceeded to thank Judy for the good work she had done on the last project. Judy was slowly moving up in her field. She was pleased. She was almost at the deli place when suddenly, two hands grabbed her from behind and pulled her into a quiet side street and into the empty doorway of an out-of-business jewelery store. The hands spun her around with great strength and pushed her against the door.

Staring Judy in the face was a man in a black ski mask with a gun in one hand. She was so stunned by all this that she had nearly forgetten to scream. So she started to scream, but the man aimed the gun at her face. He threatened to kill her if she didn't cooperate, and so she stopped.

"Listen, lady," he said forcfully. "Just give me your purse and you won't get hurt."

Judy handed over her purse with a shaking hand, not saying a word. He snatched it away and began rummaging vigorously though it. Finally, without warning, he shoved it back into her arms and insisted she had never seen him. Then he ran off into the distance. Judy was still in shock and breathing heavily until she heard Linda's voice yelling into the receiver, which snapped her out of it. She moved the phone back to her ear.

"Judy? Judy???"

"Yeah, I'm here," Judy replied.

"What in the world just happened?"

"I just got mugged."

"Dear, God! Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'll-I'll call you back, Linda."

"Please do. I'm so scared for you right now."

Judy hung up with Linda and proceeded to the deli. She went inside and sat at one of the little square tables. She had been very confused as to why the man in the ski mask didn't take her whole purse. She opened it and looked inside, expecting to find a wallet or something valuable missing. To her astonishment, everything of value was still present, but she remembered having seen him take something and shove it in his pocket before she saw what it was. She decided she had been lucky enough and didn't want to dwell on something so small.

Later that night, Judy entered her appartment and was greeted by her cat, Pete. She moved to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Before getting under the covers of her warm, comfy bed, she picked up her purse, looking for the very thing that would sooth her chapped lips. But she couldn't find her cherry scented chapstick anywhere. She knew she put it in her purse because she had just purchased it that morning on her way to work. Then it dawned on her that it was her chapstick that the man in the ski mask had taken.

Judy remained baffled for weeks. But somewhere in the city there was a man whose chapped lips were healed and smelling of cherry.

Donuts, Soft and White

When my sisters and I were little, our mom would put together a Halloween party each year for us and our friends. We did something a little different every year, sometimes bringing back games from the previous year. One of the games my mom thought up involved donuts, the big, white powdery kind from the super market. I don't remember if she got the idea from somewhere else or if she was inspired by something similar, but we had a lot of fun with it.

The game started out with a two donuts hung from suspended hooks (not fishing hooks, more like plastic hangers). The object of the game was for two kids to go head-to-head in a donut-eating race. Whoever finished eating his or her donut first won a prize. What made the donut game even more challenging was that you weren't allowed to use your hands. And so you kept them behind your back while racing. It was always entertaining to watch people ty to eat donuts while the hooks swung around wildly and hit them in the face, getting white powder everywhere. (I think I'd like to do stuff like that for my kids someday.)

Why did I suddenly recall this childhood memory? I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to incorporate it into one of my artworks in the future. Most likely sculpture of some sort.

I really like sculpture.

Need Sleep (Need God More)

Something is off, but I'm not quite sure what. I went to sleep at about midnight, right after Adam left. I must've slept for only two hours before waking up suddenly, without any particular reason known to me. I sat straight up, turned to look at the clock, and fell back into my pillow. I heard Chelsea and Craig talking. Not wanting to listen in on their convorsation, I closed my eyes and tried desparately to fall back to sleep, but I just couldn't. And I couldn't help but to listen to them talk. It was a spiritual topic they were on, so I must say I was intrigued, but I felt nosey still. Then I wondered, Did God wake me up so that He could talk to me through their words. Maybe. I think I did get soething out of it, but I can't really formulate exactly what. Then I had somewhat of a coughing fit and had to get water. I knew they must've been worried with all the noise I was making. But I went straight back to the pillow, fine again.

They prayed together, out loud. In my head, I prayed along with them. Then, for some reason, I just sat straight up, staring ahead at nothing, wondering what it was that was bothering me. Chelsea asked me if I was all right. I nodded. Craig asked if my breathing was okay. I nodded again. And I just sat there for a good two minutes, sort of dazed.

I laid my head back down and for some reason I began to cry. Not sobbing or loudly expessing sadness, just some heavy tears falling. Then with my eyes closed again, I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I heard Craig playing Mary Had A Little Lamb by flicking his cheeks. They looked over smiling and joined me in laughter. Finally, they turned out the light and went to bed.

But here I am. I have not been able to sleep again. I am very much awake, though I don't know why. So by now I've gotten out of bed, sent my dad an email, and written a blog entry.

I wish I could figure out what's wrong with me lately. And, God? I miss you...

Flurries

The moment I pushed the door open to leave, I felt the chilled air surround me. It went for my hands, my ears, my face, my neck, and every other exposed place it could get to. I began to wish I had brought my scarf with me, but all that I had was a sweatshirt with a hood.

The journey home seemd much longer than usual, and all I wanted to do was get out of the cold as soon as possible. I made my way past the sculpture building, across the parking lot, and down the walkway towards the commons. I thought about retreating to the commons for warmth and food, but decided against it for whatever reason. The wind continued to sting my skin as walked.

I realized then that I was very foolish for having forgotten a scarf, and also that I should start wearing a coat. Even if I am running late for class or in a hurry to get somewhere, it would be so much more worth the effort just to take those few extra minutes to dress appropriately for the weather. But, oh, how I can't stand the cold!

And then something wonderful happened as I neared the back door of my building. I saw several small, white specks float by me. Snow flurries?! I didn't know for sure, but it was then that I saw the advantages of being cold. Sure I hate being cold, but without the cold weather, we would not have snow. I would be very sad if I never saw snow again.

When I got inside, I waited until Chelsea and Orie were ready to go to dinner. Finally, Chelsea and I headed outside to meet Orie. This time I brought a scarf. Upon exiting the building, we were captured by the millions of dancing snow flurries. They were light and gentle, and they whirled around us in the chilly wind. All the way to the commons they dazzled us with their wintery ballet.

I like snow. I am excited about the upcoming fun it has to offer, not only to me, but to everyone. And I cannot wait to see the flurries become splendid snowfalls.

Here It Comes

It was one of those moments, the kind that should've been prayed over before I said anything. But it happened. I said it. And, honestly, that is how I felt(and still do). It was probably a blah-snatch-gulp thing, only I skipped the second step in that sequence. Perhaps I am sick of waiting. Impatience is not good. Only God's timing is perfect, not my own. I don't want to jump into something that is not ready to be jumped into, like a pool without water.

So why did I not stop myself from saying it? I don't know. God does. He knew I would say it even before I did. Because He knows everything and will use everything in accordandce to His plan. I just don't know quite yet what role I am supposed to play in that plan.

Oh, my... Here it comes.

Okay, the last few entries were not very understandable for many people, I'm sure. Here's what's going on right now, something for all to understand. Although, it is very unrelated to any of the previous entries, or even what is written above.

I am sick right now. I decided this morning that I was much to weak to make it through my morning class. And although I really need to get work done, I wouldn't have been able to do much anyways in this physical state, especially since I'd be working with sharp blades. I'm pretty useless when I'm sick like this. I'm feeling better after having gotten some much needed sleep, and so I think I'll make it to my next class.

I had three dreams last night and this morning, all of the exact same thing. I deamt that I woke up and went to classes only to realize that I had forgotten my keys. That also meant that I had left the room unlocked, which meant I could still find a way into the building and just knock on the door of the suite until one of my suitemates let me in. But it was still very frustrating to have forgotten my keys. Then I would wake up into reality. Each time I told myself I would not forget my keys before leaving. The second dream was a little different in where I was in the dream, but the part about forgetting the keys stayed the same. In the third one I really thought it was real. I was so upset because I had already dreamed twice about forgetting my keys, and here I was without them. Now I am fully conscious, typing this entry. And I have not yet forgotten my keys. Crazy though... not one, not two, but THREE dreams about me forgetting my keys!

In other news...

Chelsea (my roommate) is not back yet. I found a message in my voicemail this morning from Craig explaining that they wouldn't be back Sunday. Apparently, Chels is pretty sick, too. I think we have quite a bit of partner work coming up, and I'm not sure what it is. Darn. So much work to do...

Here it comes.

le sigh...

still working on illustration... i've decided upon an all nighter.

sigh...

To the people in Corinth

I had a deam one night that he told me. The day I awoke was the day he told me the same. Since then I have dreamed another. And in it he told me even more. But this one has not yet come true. I am waiting for God's timing. The first time was his. This is no different. But I am anxious. I burn with a passion that could get me into trouble if I am not careful.

Oh, my God! Give me the strength and patience to get through this sense of longing.

Sigh... Dearest 1Corinthians...

How I Wish...

I wish I was a better listener.

I wish I was better at offering adivice.

I wish I was better at formulating opinions.

I wish I was better at being there.

I wish I was better at understanding.

I wish I was better at remembering.

I wish I was better at knowing when you were hurting.

I wish I was better at knowing why you were hurting.

I wish I was better at comforting you.

I wish I was better at paying attention.

I wish I was better at praying for you.

I wish I was better at showing you that I really do care.

I wish I was better at loving you.

I wish I was better at a lot of things.

But most of all...

I guess I just...

I wish...

I wish I was better for you.















I am so flawed.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anything.

And yet...

Praises be to my Jesus!

Slippery Meat

Today was interesting. Or maybe not as interesting as it was frustrating. This morning in illustration I had to clean the ink out of my portfolio, the ink that had been kept cleverly in little covered containers. The containers are not as good as containing as I had hoped, but they should be fine as long as I keep them flat, not upright in my portfolio. Luckily, my stippling piece had been covered with a sheet of tracing paper, which prevented ink from getting on it. For the rest of the class I mixed my values again, and then touched up my transferred imaged on the watercolor board. Chelsea and I decided we'd skip our scheduled evening class to attend Bill Thomson's evening illustration class.

After a midday math test, we headed back to the room. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I went to the commons to grab something. There wasn't much to eat since it was the in between time and the staff were getting ready for the next wave. So I ate what I could before hurrying back to the room to meet up with Chels. Then we headed out.

As we left our building, there was some guy yelling out the window for everyone to hear in sort of a chant. It was very uncomfortable to listen to because it involved him boasting about the size of his penis. It was disgusting. And it's not like I could cover my ears, because I had a massive portfolio in my hand. Sometimes I wish talking obscenely like that would count as one of those against the law, like indecent exposure or something about being offensive in public.

But then there's the whole freeom of speech thing. And yet, I don't really understand. I found this simplified description of the indecent exposure law:

Indecent exposure laws in most states make it a crime to purposefully display one's genitals in public, causing others to be alarmed or offended. Indecent exposure is often committed for the sexual gratification of the offender, and may reach the level of a sexual assault if any physical contact is made.

I see this as a way to protect the public from forcefully seeing things that they do not wish to see. But without that law, people would not have a choice as much. Sure they could look away, but they shouldn't have to be face with things like that. Of course, I am generalizing. All I'm trying to get at is that if there is a law to prevent indecent exposure visually, how can there not be something that prevents people from swearing in public or from talking about how big their "dicks" are or what great sex they had last night. I think it would at least be beneficial to stop people from yelling about it in public. Fine, talk about it all you want. I'm all for free speech, but don't tell the world how big your sexual organs are! I'm so sick of hearing about the party weekends from complete strangers when I have no chice but to listen to it. You can only tune out so much, and if someone is yelling about all the awful things they did to their body the night before, with an unnecessary swear before and after every word, it's almost impossible not to pick up on some of it. And a lot of it is really depressing to hear. All I can think is how much of the student body is killing itself with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex.

Wow. I sure got away from what I had planned to talk about. I had a sandwich from konover and the meat was very slippery and hard to eat. Okay, bedtime!

Remember, Alyssa...

This entry is actually a reminder of things I need to do this weekend, starting tomorrow. Just in case I forget something. I will be making a list of these things, but if for some reason the list gets lost or forgotten, this entry of a reminder will be available online for myself.

My weekend to-do list:

-work study (not that I would really forget that)
-buy garbage bags for dorm room
-go home to get geometry notebook from highschool (math project...)
-interview with Adam's mom fo AUC class (I should probably write those questions for it)
-two plates for design by Monday
-transfer illustration for Tuesday class
-go to Jerry's to get new set of wells for ink wash
-sculpture... crap! get card board, find out prices for paris craft and mat board
-look into prices for electric eraser
-figure out financial B.S. with Dad and the school
-tissues
-pop corn

Well, it is far past the time I had wanted to go to bed. Actually, I didn't really have a specific time, but it should have definitely been a while ago. At least I distracted myself with cleaning the room and packing. Okay so... I still haven't even packed yet, but that will be next. Then brush teeth and wash face, then sleep. Oh, man... I can't wait for the break. I need an affordable time to be lazy. Free time here is so costly. Blah! Okay! Going now!

Adam, I love you!

Illustration Major +

Ah...

Last night, I got to bed at a wonderful time. About 10:30PM. I had finished my math paper the night before so that I wouldn't have to worry about it the following night along with an illustration piece, both due today. So I finished the illustration last night at a very decent time. Then I was able to get ready for bed and cuddle up with my dear, Adam. I fell asleep fairly soon. The only time I awoke was around midnight when he had to leave. I got about eight or nine hours of sleep total. It felt great! I would like to get more sleep like that if I can help it.

So anyways... I had my critique this morning in illustration. It went exactly how I thought it would. I was not at all into the piece, not happy with my technique, not content with the values, and unsure how to resolve the hair on the girl in the picture. I liked the composition, but overall, I didn't like the outcome of the piece. And as Chelsea and I walked to class, I predicted just how my crit would go. I would tell the class that I wasn't very satisfied with the piece, and they would like it anyways. And that is what happened. I explained how I felt about it as best I could, but my teacher said he didn't agree with me. My classmates took his side and said they didn't know what I was talking about. The only thing he said that needed fixing was the hair. So, at least I don't have to go back into it too much, especially since I didn't enjoy working on it. Whatever.

Okay. Something somewhat unrelated that has been on my mind: what should I major in? What do I want to focus on while I'm here at the very expensive University of Hartford? What field am I most likely to find a job in? What can I do for a living and still have fun with?

All these kinds of questions had been haunting me (ha ha... Halloween-ish reference) for some time. I talked to my advisor last week about majoring in illustration and minoring in design. So I figured out my possible schedule for next semester (after I talked to him, had to go back for approval). But I came to the realization that I don't really like design that much, even though it would be a smart choice for my career path. I'm just not into sitting in front of a computer for hours straight. And I'm slow at it because I don't have a great handle on the programs. My other thought was to minor in sculpture because I like to build things and work with my hands. But I know I have no future in sculpture. So I finally figured out that I'm going to stick with design and get what I can out of it while I'm here. And even if I don't go anywhere with it, I'm sure the things I learn in design will not go to waste. I can apply it to other aspects of my future career. And maybe I can even do small jobs with it that knowledge. Like flyers for businesses or clubs or whatever. I've done stuff like that before for people I know. Very small, simple things, like just conveying information to people.

So when I came to that thought, it was easier for me to tell my advisor I was going to stick with the design minor. And what the heck? I can still do other things outside of my major or minor without having a concentration in it. Like sculpture. I like it enough where I can probably do it on the side. Maybe as a hobby. And I know somewhat how to paint if I wanted to.

Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Or work on my stippling piece for the showcase on Thursday.

Good night.

"Spending Time"

Just so happens that my schedule is empty
But still there's no room for You
The time has come and gone
Things have come along that take me away from you
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?
When we first met I remember I'd do anything for You
But as the years go by
I let my attentions slide
And I'm pulling away from You
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that
You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?

These are the lyrics from a Stellar Kart song. They may not be deep or profound, but I can relate to them. I think that is what I like the most about my favorite Christian bands. Not only are they clean songs to listen to, but they make it clear that Christians are not perfect. I know that I am far from perfect. I can try to be a good person, but if it is not for God, then there is something missing from my life. I go through each day with good intentions, but lately I have felt far away from God. And it hurts. I feel empty. Passionless.

This song does not speak to me as much as some songs do, but having listened to it a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I've been doing exactly what the song mentions. When I do have free time in my busy college schedule, I tend to do everything except spend time with the One person who created me, the One who holds the plans of my life. I don't know what happened to the girl who was once so on fire for God and was willing to go where ever He sent her, but I wish she would come back, even if just for a visit so that I might experience true joy of the heart again.

My roommate and I had started the year doing daily devotionals, but we eventually fell out of that routine. It's sad really. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like back when I was Catholic (and I'm not downing Catholics; I just found a different path for my spiritual journey). Although, I still get more out of church now than I did back then. I dunno. I'm just meandering through the siritual flatlands right now.

Anyways... Stellar Kart. Cool band. Fun music. Yeah.

Overwhelming

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.

You spent how much on what???

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.

Stupid Blogger Text Box!!!

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry. I selected all the text once I was finished to copy what I had written so that if something happened to it during publishing, I would be able to paste it again. Okay, so I practice my keyboard shortcut knowledge. Stupid, I know. Not the time to be practicing stuff. But it seemed simple enough! Press SELECT and press the down arrow key, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. NOPE! Not on Blogger! Instead (and I just tested it on this box of text... after copying it the way I know how first) it erases everything!!! What the heck!

GRRR!!! Now what happened??? I was in the middle of typing and something randomly erased the last thing I typed! Ok... I'm going to work on my illustration now! Oh, yeah. No one reading this knows what that means or where it came from because that entry is now gone. I'm so aggrivated right now! Stupid technology!

Got milk? No, actually... I don't.

This is the first time I've ever had to drink my tea without milk. The honey is there, but there is no milk present because I've not had the chance to go to Konover to get some. It's hard to keep up on every little thing when you're at college. Whatever. I've still got my tea, and even though it tastes strange without its cool, white companion, I think I'll manage. I must learn to cope with things that don't always go my way. Not always will I have the things I desire at my fingertips, but then again, they are just my desires. They are not necessities (sp?).

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get back to work on my illustration project and I've been slacking on it all night. I want to get some sleep before tomorrow's math test, but that won't happen until this drawing gets done.

Woo hoo! Tomorrow's Thursday, my favorite day of the week! And for additional reasons this time...

I Wasn't Ready

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.

An Answer to Prayer

Now listening to the Flyleaf album. I really like this band. It's not often I come across music on my own that I both enjoy the style and lyrics. And the melodies are very catchy. I also like the guitar riffs. Anyways...

I noticed last night that I haven't been having the wierd body spasms when I try to sleep. For some time over the summer I would start to fall asleep and randomly, without warning, my body would shake. It started out very small a couple years ago and only happened once in a while when I would get very sleepy. It was more common on the nights that I was pushing myself to stay awake. When I started twitching, I knew it was time to go to sleep. Eventually, these twitches went away, but started happening again over this past summer. They actually started scaring me when they prevented me from sleeping. That only occurred that badly a few times, but when it did, I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired. Everytime I would start to fall asleep, my body would spasm so hard I was forced to stay awake.

One of those bad nights happened once while I was back here at school. I was so afraid it was going to stay that way during the year. Then last night, I became aware that I haven't been twitching at all lately. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but I'm very happy that it hasn't been a problem. I don't know if the spasms will start up again in the future, but for now I just need to try to go to bed at decent times, or at least not pull all nighters anymore.

I really don't know why it stopped. I know I had prayed about it before, but I have a feeling someone else was praying for me, too. Praise God for his faithfulness! Praise be to His glorious name! I am ever so more convinced that God answers prayer, especially when they are from the heart.

A Curly-Hair Day

It's kind of rainy outside right now. It is not actually raining, but the ground is wet and the sky is pale and overcast, suggesting that more rain will come. I am not even going to attempt straightening my hair today. Not that straightening my hair is that important to me. I just like to do it once in a while, but the weather somethings decides whether or not I should. Today is a curly-hair day. Some girls would call it a frizzy-hair day. The moisture in the air makes it difficult to do anything with one's hair, especially if hairspray is not involved. I don't like to use hairspray. I have hairspray but...

Today will be a curly-frizzy-hair day.

Chelsea just got out of the shower. We're listening to music this morning. We listened to it all night, a shuffled list of songs that kept playing up until now. And it is still going. Ah... music. It's so nice. The Wallflowers are serenading us for the moment. On top of a good morning, it is a Thursay morning, so we know that the weekend is very near. Not only that, but it begins as soon as our last class is over today, at 3:20. "It's Friday!" Chelsea exclaimed this morning. I pumped my fist in joy. Okay, time to get ready for Illustrastion class.

Dot...dot...dot...

So Wonderful Is Nothing

You were created.
Wonderfully.
And you are.
Wonderful.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.
Come home.
So I can stop.
Missing you.
I know you.
Have not been gone.
For too long.

But still.
You are.
Wonderful.
And I miss.
You.
And think nothing.
Blah!
For now.

My eyes.
Are just blue.
Crystals.
For you.
To look through.
And you know.
So well.
What goes on.
In there.

And what.
Was this?
Typeface.
Who bid farewell?
Upon arrival.
Very well.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.

Billy and Susie

He waved a pickle in my face, and so I scrunched up my nose in disgust. With a laugh he drew it back and popped it in his mouth. Why does he do that? I wondered. I don't taunt him with the things he hates, like the color pink. I'd had enough of his insensitivity. I pushed my back in my chair to leave. I wasn't hungry anyway. Billy's expression suddenly became one of concern.

"Wait," he said.
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
"I..." he trailed off.

I could see he was searching for the words to say. But I was fed up and didn't feel like waiting around for his apology. I rolled my eyes and headed for the door, but something prevented me from moving forward. He had grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him, tugging to get away, but he held me firmly. His eyes were fixed on mine. I had never seen that look on him before, and so I stopped struggling. As I sat back down, he pushed my chair in like a gentleman, which was something else I would never expect from him.

"I'm sorry, Susie," he said. "Really."
"Then why do you act that way?" I asked skeptically.
"I just..." he trailed off again.
"Tell me! You just what?"
"I just didn't want you to find out that I..." He looked down, as if contemplating. He looked up and retuned his gazed to my eyes. "...that I really like you."

It took a moment for me to process this new information. Then I said, "Yeah, okay! Pull that on some other girl. One who's a little more naive. Now let go of me!" Without waiting for his response, I jerked my arm out of his grasp and ran out the door.

I heard a commotion behind me. Billy had tried to follow, but the waitress started yelling at him for not paying the bill. I found out later that two bus-boys had tackled him before he made it to the door, and that a woman's table had gotten knocked over, spilling food all over.

That same woman, I heard, had gotten hot coffee spilt on her and sued the diner for making the coffee too hot. She also sued the company that made the styrofoam cup the coffee was in, claiming the top was not made to fit right (and that's why the coffee spilled in the first place). She also sued the company who made the table she was sitting at because the table was not made sturdy enough to withstand three men falling onto it, and that caused her food to crash to the floor, splattering her in the eyes. In addition to suing the diner for making the coffee too hot, she sued them for not making the food right, and for making it too splatter-prone.

I had a nice evening once I left that diner.

Thursday To Be the New Friday?

It's been a while since I've updated, I know. Actually, I probably won't be updating that much in the near future. I'm back at school, the University of Hartford, and with school comes much work, as well as social time with friends. I am in my dorm room right now, just got back from my illustration class. Soon I'll be off to Gengras Student Union for lunch with my amazing roommate, Chelsea. Then we'll be off to math class. Blah...

Well, since my last update a lot has happened, but I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I got to move back in earlier than most people because I volunteered to be one of Howie's Helpers. Howie is the mascot of our school, a hawk. Howie's Helpers is the name of the move-in crew that helps freshmen and their parents unload their cars when they move in and bring their stuff to where they are staying. It was quite rainy that weekend.

The first week of classes was fairly easy as we were introduced to new teachers and each of their syllabuses. My Tuesday night honors class, I realized, was going to be way over my head, and so I dropped it as soon as possible and added another course. Now I'm in Adult Journey with Chels.

It's kind of funny, me and Chels being art majors living together. On Tuesdays now we have every class together: Illustration, Math, and Adult Journey. Thursday is the same thing, only without Adult Journey because it meets once a week. On Mondays and Wednesdays we have all different classes, but they meet at the exact same times. It's nice that way because we'll be less likely to get sick of each other.

Anyways, today is Thursday. Thursday has always been my favorite day of the week, and now it is even more so. Why? Because I don't have Friday classes! Woo Hoo! Now, Thursday becomes the beginning of my weekend and Friday is just like another Saturday. So, in a sense, Thursday is my new Friday. Actually, a lot of my friends don't have classes on Friday.

Now I can work as late as I want and not have to worry about waking up early. Or I can go to bed early and wake up at a decent time to start homework. OR I can just stay up, hang out with friends, go to bed really late without doing work, and sleep in. Whatever.

Well, by now I've already gone to GSU for lunch with Chels, and have come back from math class. And so my weekend begins!

A Little Look At Love

[This entry took me a while to finish, but here it is. Inspired by the many AIM and facebook profiles I've read.]

I wish people wouldn't use the word "love" so loosely. Love is more than just a strong liking for something or someone. Even the main definitions from dictionary.com seems empty when it comes to love. Or at least I'm a bit disappointed by it.


1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

I've seen enough relationships throughout high school to learn a few things. A love-hate relationship where a boy and girl do nothing but fight, break-up, have sex, and get back together is not a real relationship at all. It becomes a physical and emotional game, leaving both parties confused, numbed to actual love, or empty with only a temporary solution, which in most cases is a physical, sexual one. Or perhaps they have become so accustomed to having a boyfriend/girlfriend that they just don't know what to do with themselves when they are apart.

So I ask you, how is that love? Isn't love supposed to leave you feeling satisfied always, full of joy and peace, and without anxiety? I don't understand relationships that seem to be going so well that the couple says how much they love one another... every five minutes. They are always together, never spending time with friends anymore. Because suddenly, this other person is more important than school, family, friends, and other priorites. They spend every waking moment together. It's almost sickening. But they "love" each other. They care about one another. So much so that they must constantly be aware of where the other one is going.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Then before they part for the expected two minutes, they embrace and kiss. Upon return, "I missed you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The word love loses its meaning and it becomes just that... a word. Eventually, one party starts to feel suffocated by the perpetual outward affections, which aren't affections at all but insecurities. It becomes too much and that person misses his or her friends and family. And college is right around the corner. How can there be a relationship that involves so much time and still be time for school work? Eventually, there is break-up. The party receiving the news of separation can react in a few ways. They might fall into a depression, a stage of self-pity. There is suddenly no one else on the earth who will love him/her. They have nothing. Or perhaps they go into a state of anger and accusation against the person who did the breaking up. Where did the love go? I thought you guys couldn't get enough of each other. Now, you're yelling and screaming, saying how much you hate each other. Or maybe the broken-hearted party spreads the aweful break-up to friends, looking for comfort in other people, and for them to take sides and believe that he/she has truly been wronged.

These are just examples, of course. But they are based on much of what I have seen in relationships today. Where is the love? Is it really loving someone if you are afraid they might fall down the stairs every time they go to the kitchen for a drink? And is it really loving them if you can't let them out of your sight for a second?

What about those girls who see a "hot" guy and instantly "fall in love" with him? Sure, you can find someone attractive, maybe be infatuated with their smile and cool clothing style, but that isn't love. THAT is what I might call a strong like. Liking can be temporary. It is not love. Or what about the guys who drool over the models in magazines. They fall in love with a girl's body, rather than the girl. How easy it is for a guy to tell a girl he loves her with words. Yeah, maybe he thinks she's a nice girl with a cute face, but her body isn't as appealing as that other girl's. And he doesn't really agree with her ideas about saving the rain forest.

But girls can be the same way. I've had a lot of girl friends who judge guys based on their looks or talents. "Oh, I don't like him. He has a big nose." Or "He's so scrawny and has no muscle. And his teeth are crooked! Gross!" Or "I like him. He has a nice car!" Or "He's so cool! He's in a band. He plays guitar and drums and he has awesome piercings!" Or the most repulsive form of judgement, "I bet he has a big dick! Just look at his feet!" Blah blah blah... It's all garbage. NOT love. I don't even think it's considerate or caring of people in anyway to decide whether you even like them or not. Again, where is the love? Do you even get a vibe from people like this that says love? Or does it say infatuation?

As far as sexual passion, sexual intercourse, or a love affair being an equivallent to love, as mentioned in the above definitions, I must disagree. Sure, there can be passion in sex. It's in movies and on tv all the time. And certainly sexual intercourse itself is the act of a man and woman (or what have you) coming together to... have sex. But to have sex does not mean love is present. The phrase "make love" is a more romantic way of saying to have sex, but you can't actually make love out of sex.

Do the men who pay for prostitutes actually love them? And do the prostitutes truly love the clients they sleep with? Just the fact that they are clients, people who pay them for a service, just shows that for them sex is a business. (I'm not putting down prostitutes. I feel horrible for what they go through every day. I wish they didn't have to sell themselves like they do.) And the pimps who sell them don't love them. Not really. It's all about money. "Oh, you have a vagina, do you? Why don't you use it to make me some money, and maybe I'll give you a place to stay." How horrible that is! That is not love! That is possession! It is abusing something that was meant to be precious.

I don't think I even need to explain a love affair. I can assure you that having an affair might work out for the one in it, but the one being cheated on sure isn't feeling the love. And when things boil down, no one is left happy. There is only mistrust and hurt, maybe separation and divorce. These things do not come from real love.

"An intense emotional attachment..." I don't know about you, but that seems more like a definition for obsession. Sure, I care about my pets. I could even go as far as to say I love them. They are part of the family. But when it comes to real love, they are still just animals. And of course I hope nothing bad happens to them. When driving, I avoid hitting squirrels at all costs. It hurts my heart to hear how some people treat animals. Animal cruelty really gets to me. And maybe is it just that I care deeply for the living things God put on this earth. If it is love, it certainly is a different kind. But I shall not get into that, either. This topic of love is all to broad. But I know that to love material items is not real love. Things cannot satisfy the heart, nor can people. But people, in my opinion, have a better chance at filling the void in someone's life than animals or things do. Aah! Moving on... this entry is getting way to long!

My impression of love is something that should be unconditional. Like the way a parent loves a child. (That is an entirely different topic I will not discuss here and now. I know not all parents show love toward their children, but for my point's sake, consider the traditional family set up if you would.) To truly care about someone is to let them be themselves, forgive them when they do wrong, help them in their times of need. It should be an outward and inward act more than an emotional feeling or attraction one gets toward someone. Even my own interpretation of it is bothering me here. So I shall turn to the most reliable of my sources. A book that is so simple and so profound that it can be looked to for all of life's questions and concerns. And it comes from the Creator Himself. Bible time!

Some passages I found involving love:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:9-16)

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1Corinthians 13:1-8)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13:13)

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1John 2:15-17)

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death... This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1John 3:14, 16-18)

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us... And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1John 4:7-12, 16-21)

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
(Joel 2:13)

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Proverbs 17:9)

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17)

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
(Proverbs 27:5)

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
(Solomon's Song 2:7)

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
(Solomon's Song 8:6-7)

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
(Hosea 2:7)

The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, "You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you."
(Hosea 3:1-3)

Again I must tell you this is a very broad topic. There are different kinds of love. Love for a spouse, love for friends, love for family, love for God. But all these things come from the Lord. God is love, and therefore we are able to love. So when I hear people use the word love so carelessly, it takes away the realness of it. I see the their profiles and whatnot. Things like, "I love to get drunk!" Or "Steve, I love you, baby!" A week later it is replaced by "Steve's an asshole. I love Brian!" And how it hurts me to hear kids tell their parents they hate them. To say you love someone is simply verbal. To act upon love is something better. And I don't mean to act upon sexual urges, for even that is not the essence of love. Well, the Bible is pretty clear on what love is and how we must love and who we must love. These have been my thoughts on the matter.

Peace and...love!

My First Road Adventure Driving Standard

Ah! I have bug bites on my toes. They itch. Bug bites must be the most satisfying things to scratch next to chicken pox. To be itchy... such a strange feeling. I know I shouldn't scratch, but I do anyway. To irritate it by scratching is actually remedying my discomfort. No, I don't like getting bitten by these pests of summer, nor do I like the itching sensation associated with them. But if I'm gonna get bit and itchy, I might as well use a "cure for the itch". (Yeah, that's the title to a Linkin Park song.) Anyways...

I slept in this morning, until about 11:20. In all that time I was sleeping, I was dreaming as well. It amazes me how many different dreams I can have in one night, only to remember a select few. And even the ones I remember fade almost as soon as I wake.

One dream left me stranded in Rocky Hill, or so I thought it was Rocky Hill. I think I was at a party on one side of town, while Adam's house was on the other side. I didn't know where I was or where Adam was, but for some reason I had his car. As I crossed the parking lot- which looked like that of a gas station- and left the brick building where the party had been, I came to Adam's little silver Civic. I knew I couldn't stay and that I had to find my way back to his house, but I was scared. I couldn't call him for some reason. So I mustered up what courage I had and started the car.

[Adam drives a standard in real life and that is what it was in the dream. I do not know how to drive standard except for what Adam has taught me so far: how to start the car, how to start moving (which is the hardest part) in first gear, and how to shift into second and third. By no means am I ready to drive on the roads in real life.]

Back to the dream. I started the car, backed out of the parking space, and prepared to move forward. Everything seemed to go smoothly in the dream. No jerking or stalling, but I had trouble shifting because I couldn't see the shift stick. So I had to rely on my knowledge of where each gear was and feel what I was doing. I got out onto the road where the lanes were abnormally wide. It was night time so there wasn't too much traffic, but still enough to make me nervous.

I didn't shift into second until part way down the road when I realized I had forgotten. The RPM gauge was on the five by the time I shifted to second. Everything went smoothly. It didn't even feel like I had to switch between gas and clutch like Indiana Jones (inside metaphor used by me and Adam). Each transition was quick and easy. But when it came to shifting into third gear, I had trouble because I couldn't see if I was pushing the stick over too much or to little. By the time I got it figured out, I was coming to a red light and had to slow to a stop anyways.

I pushed in the clutch, breaked, and shifted back to first gear. I was almost completely stopped, but the light turned green and I was moving again. Back into second gear. I decided to turn onto some side roads, waiting for something to look familiar. Nothing did. I managed to get up some small hills in second gear. I don't really know what that means or if it's possible. I have yet to learn what gears to use in certain situations. Well, as lost as I was in the dream, I felt quite good about my first road adventure driving standard.

Eventually, I was back on the main street, driving in one of the many lanes. There were mostly green lights all the way down. Then for some reason, one of my youth leaders, Pastor Chris, was walking around in the middle of the street in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet. He was smiling contently as I slowed down to see what he was doing. I was suddenly outside the car, talking to him, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Then it kind of ended. The dream, I mean.

The funny thing, though, is that during that dream there was another completely different dream going on. So there were two dreams sort of interlaced. I don't really remember what the other dream was about, something with my friends at a party I think. Anyways, the way it worked was that I would be in one dream for a little while, then randomly switch to the other and pick up exactly where I left off. Kind of like a movie or show where you get to see what's going on in two differnt places at the same time. Kind of a two-in-one dream.

The dream following those took place in my room. My friend, Wayne, came to visit me. He came to see how I was doing because we haven't reallly hung out all summer. He also came to get a CD that I had borrowed from his dad, which reminded me that he still had a CD and a book of mine. So I gave him back was was his, and we went out to his car to get what was mine. Then we went back to my room. I went to sit on my bed but somehow miscalcutated where the edge was and fell on the floor. We both laughed and laughed and laughed, until the dream ended soon after. I woke up thinking it was 3PM, but it was only eleven something. I was reminded by the dream that I have to call Wayne because he actually does have my stuff.

Dreams are wierd.

The Motherland (and I don't care if it's two words; this is my story)

I'm working on a really big entry at the moment (well, not THIS very moment, but it's a work in progress). It will still be a while before I get it up, and so in the meantime, and while I'm lacking the motivation to go to bed at this hour, I have decided to post this entry to keep you loyal blog checkers entertained. Though, it is rather ridiculous.

The Motherland

The motherland! She is coming from a far away place. She has unhinged herself from the borders of soil and rock, and she is escaping to the freedom where we reside. But the waters are tricky, they are. Will they allow her to float, or will she sink like nickles tossed to the fountains?

Behold! She is running swiftly, skipping over the seas in great triumph. And you might ask yourself, How might a land mass be running over the sea, or running at all for that matter? I tell you she was well prepared over the centuries, plotting her course. The motherland is alive and well! And so she has sprung the apendages needed for such a journey.

Cross the seas so blue she comes. We see her now in the distance, growing larger in our perception. She is oh so lovely! We have flowers ready for her arrival. She is nearly here! Motherland, I have missed you! I shout these things to her as she nears the shore.

She will be staying here with our new homeland. We know they will be friends. We have discussed it before. She will be free, and she will be together with us once more. And now she is upon the shore!

But wait! She was not to keep going passed the ocean's edge, but I understand her wanting, her sense of adventure. I gaze up at you, my motherland, full of birds and beasts, full of fruit and farm land. How awesome your size! You have come now to be with us! Oh, motherland, you tower above me! And what massively jagged feet you have!

*SQUISH!*

end

Yeah, I'm tired now. Good night.

Please Fogive Us

Now listening to "If We Are the Body" by Casting Crowns. I really like this song. It speaks truth. The chorus is this:

But If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing
them there is a way?

I heard something yesterday that really hurt my heart. Someone my mom knows used to be very involved in the Catholic church and actually worked for it. He's a good person and believes in God, but he has trouble with structured religion now. Back when he was with the church, he messed up. Just like we all do. No one is perfect, right? Anyways, something happened when he was in high school. He got a girl pregnant. He didn't want her to get an abortion, so she didn't. He went to his priest to tell him what happened. Instead of responding with love in a hard situation, the church turned him away and fired him. Though he messed up, wouldn't you agree that he did the right thing by being honest with the priest, who was supposed to be his friend, and not letting his girlfriend get an abortion?

How can God's kingdom grow if we don't show love toward people? I'm just as much a sinner as the next person. Instead of condemning teenage girls for getting pregnant, or the guys who get them pregnant, we should be willing still to show them love and help them if we can. I'm not saying I agree with the wrong decisions people make that are displeasing to God (I've had my share of bad choices, too), but if our reaction to it is negative to the point where they are turned off to God, how does that help them? It certainly isn't glorifying to God. Jesus was surrounded by some horrible people when He came to preach the Good News, but he loved them anyways. Of course, we will never be fully like Jesus, for it is harder for us to forgive people who hurt us, or to love our enemies. We are a flawed people. We lie, cheat, steal, hate, lust, and worship the world. We give into the temptation of temporary things.

Right now, on behalf of all Christians, I would like to ask forgiveness of those who we have hurt, for the ones who have been turned off to God because off our ungodly actions. I beg you to realize that we are like you, flawed as humans are. I am so sorry if the Christians you've met are not what you expect of followers of Christ. And I challenge you to seek God not based on what you've seen in people. Certainly, you can learn from each other, but the One true source of salvation and life is He who created us. Jesus came to clean our sin away so that we would no longer have to live by law, but by faith. We are in God's grace, a free gift, but in order to receive that gift you must reach out and accept it. When God made man, man lived by the law as a means to get into Heaven. But man was full of sin, so Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, was sent as a living sacrafice to take on all of our sins. Once our sins were cleared, we no longer lived by law, but by faith alone, under God's good grace.

I guess my point right now is, to those of you have messed big time and have been rejected because of it, just know that God will never abandon you. Jesus loves you so much that He died on the cross to set you free. Don't put your faith in people. They will disappoint you. The Holy Spirit does not disappoint.

"As for you, you were dead in your trangressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among the at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we we by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved... For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:1-5, 8-10

Again, to anyone hurt or turned off by so-called followers of Christ, I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Let us not be the deciding factor in your expectation of the Almighty saving Lord God. He has done nothing wrong. It is we who do the wrong. Please forgive us.

Not As Planned

I so often forget to acknowledge God about the endeavors taking place throughout the course of my days. Tonight, sometime after writing the entry preceeding this one, Lauren called me asking why I wasn't at the fair. I could have gotten upset when she me told that everyone else was there, making me feel somewhat guilty. But I didn't. I just told her that I had not planned on going because I was planning on going to bed early, and also that I wanted to save money.

I had planned on going to bed early, having already brushed my teeth and washed my face. But Lauren called mainly to ask if I was interested in going to Wakelee School to play on the playground. If it was not to late by the time they left the fair, I would go. As it turned out, Lauren came to pick me up instead of me going to me up with everyone in my car. It wasn't too late. I had been online talking to Chels (we're gonna be roomies!) about our room situation, like who was bringing what, when Lauren pulled up in the jeep. Charlene, Caitlin, Chris, and Ashley were also with her. We headed to the playground. Upon arrival Cait, Chris and I ran over to the merry-go-round. Chris would push us around before jumping on himself. It was fun.

Then we went to the swings where everyone else was. Corey, Matt, and Erik showed up soon after. Someone's cell phone rang. It was our wonderful Italian friend, Donato. He needed someone to pick him up from work. I offered to get him in my car because my house was closer to the school, as long as someone went with me. Cait and Chris went with me. An old friend from high school was just getting there so we had him drop us off at my house. We were then on our way to Southington, to the bowling alley where Donato works. It took a little while to get there, but he was thankful for the ride. His car had broken so to get to work he walked. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but if he did indeed walk... well, that's a LOOOOOONG walk!

The whole way back was very humerous to me as Chris and Donato argued about the proper way to make a fish tank out of an old computer monitor. [Chris has taken it upon himself to turn an old computer monitor he has into a working fish tank so he can bring it to school.] They argued about what kind of fish to get and how many. [They are rooming together this year.] Donato said he wanted three or four "Nemo" fish, while Chris didn't want that many of the same fish. The conversation went through various stages. From the building of the tank, to the purchasing of fish, to using silicon. They debated over whether or not silicon is poisonous to fish. I was cracking up listening to the way they argued their points to each other. For example, when it came to the silicon debate, Donato insisted silicon was poisonous to fish while Chris argued that it wasn't. (I may not be getting the details right because I don't know what silicon is, or even if I'm spelling it right, but this is the gist.)
"It isn't poisonous! How is it poisonous?"
"Well, would you put your lips on silicon?"
"Yes! I would actually!"
That is just a piece of that conversation. I wish I could remember the rest of their bantering enough to put it hear, but I can't.

We got back to Wakelee to hang out for a bit by the monkey bars. Not staying too much longer, we said our goodbyes. I brought Caitlin and Donato to their homes before returning to mine. It was a short but pleasant evening with my friends. I did not have to go to the fair to hang out with them, nor did I have to spend any money. It was free fun, and probably more so than the fair would have been for me. And even though I didn't go to the fair, and even though I wanted to go to bed early, I thank God for giving me time with them and for using me to provide transportation for Donato and Cait.

And now, here I am, blogging once again only to finish after 1:00AM. Totally not a plan of my own, but it worked out nicely. However, I don't think it is the best idea for me to be eating ice cream this late, especially having covered it with chocolate syrup and Special K (there were no krispies or cheerios in the pantry :( so i made do). But, hey. I don't have much longer before I go back to school and put myself on a healthier diet. Might as well take advantage of one more late night. Tomorrow I continue packing. Fun. Anyways...

This has been another boring entry from... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Alyssa, go to sleep!

And Just Like the Movies

I'm listening to the Superman Theme song for the second time right now. Matt and Corey showed up at random. I decided I wanted to listen to Superman's music. Maybe it was the fact that I watched the first Superman movie (the original) with Adam and Emily today that sparked this sudden want for the opening theme to be playing throughout the house. I don't know, but I'm enjoying it. Now I think I'll move on to something else as the song has just ended. Perhaps Star Wars. Yeah, Star Wars. Ah... there it is.

Corey, Matt, and Kaylee just left to go to the fair. I was also pressured to go, but I was disinclined to go for several reasons. For one thing, and probably the ruling factor, I am trying to save money for school, which is right around the corner. Also, the Wolcott fair has become less and less thrilling for me over the years. The same rides are there each year, and most of the time, the more exciting rides are not all that exciting. This year, from the looks of it, the most intense ride is the boat that swings back and forth. [I'm now on to Indina Jones.] It just doesn't appeal to me.

Sure, I'm missing the traditional, annual town event that pretty much everyone goes to. I'm missing the awesome fried dough that I look forward to every time I go. I'm missing the chance to hang out with friends and family one last time before going back to school. I'm missing the fireworks, the music, the laughter, the sound of screaming children as they face their fear of "big" rides, and the prizes to be received from those rip-off carnival games. But... it's so temporary and mushed together all at once. It seems such a waste. Pay to get in, pay for everything else once you're in.

I don't have any specific memories of years past, either. I can't recall anything crazy happening with a group of friends. One year stands out in my mind. It rained and we were all pushing and shoving under some enormous tent, waiting for it to let up and for the rides to be put back into opperation. But there is not one recollection of a particularly fun experience at the Wolcott Fair. I'm not saying that the times I went were bad, just so uneventful that I can tell myself I'm not missing anything special by not going.

It's never come up in conversation either. Nothing like, "Hey! Remember that one time at the Wolcott Fair when So-and-so barfed all over that lady after riding the Zipper!" or "Dude! Do you remember that time we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel for like an hour and that guy next to us started freaking out?" Nothing. Every year is kind of the same. There are events going on, but nothing eventful happening, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I'm juat trying to convince myself that it's okay not to be there while everyone else is.

Well, I had something entirely different in mind for this entry, but this is the direction I went in. I originally wanted to talk about how today, just for a moment, I felt like I was in a movie. And so my title for this entry shall remain as it is. But perhaps I'll write on that topic some other time.

Peace and love, kittens.

Goodbye, Thursday (Hello, Thursday!)

This coming Thursday marks the last day of work for the summer, for me anyways. It will be a very rewarding day, for I'm tired of working at the tuxedo shop. After this Thursday, I will be done. Hopefully for good. I need to break away and start looking for work elsewhere, work that is more consistant and pays more, a place where I do not feel retarded (To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede; to be delayed) or incompetent like I do now. I would like to work at a daycare or something.

Also this Thursday, it is the last time I'll be going to youth group for the summer. I will miss my Meriden church family very much. On the upside, I'll be going back to see my Hartford family of Christians and art students and other friends.

This Thursday I say goodbye to work and to New Life Church youth group.

However, next Thursday is the day I am reunited with life at the University of Hartford! I will be moving in early to be a member of Howie's Helpers, the group that helps move the freshmen in. And I get a free T-shirt! Woot! And I can't wait to get back into the studio and start making art again! Hello, Thursday!

Peace and love!

Up Above the World So High

To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Then one must think back to the varying events prior, which led up to that one special moment. Last night, Adam and I were taking a walk around my neighborhood, completely without any particular destination in mind. We came to a bit of a downhill shortly before we were to take the next left. The trees around us left open a large window to the starry night sky. I was gazing up at it occasionally. Adam was talking to me about something. I do not remember what about, for in that exact moment, as we neared the end of the street and my eyes drifted to the expanse above, a shooting star passed by. Adam saw it, too.

Now, this was no ordinary shooting star. This had been a massive ball of burning white light, followed by a blazing purple and blue streak of a tail. I do not know how far away it was or where it was headed, but as it hurled itself across the galaxy in an attempt to stay hidden from the sight of Earth's inhabitants, it let down its guard for just a moment. And in that moment we were able to catch a glimpse of its wondrous beauty. We were left standing in awe as it revealed itself to us for only half a second. That is how it came. That is how it went. There was no time in between for hello or goodbye. Just a shy wave before it saw us staring. And for a shooting star, I’ll bet, time slows down, and it can see all the going-ons below for what they are. And for that shooting star we saw, we had seen it for much too long, and it was embarrassed for having been so careless as to let itself be visible to humans. Of course, for us, we had only seen it for an instant.

But I think every shooting star is also secretly flattered when it realizes it has been seen by human eyes, for are the only creatures who can truly appreciate beauty, whether it is emotionally or intellectually. That shooting star last night must have seen the expression of awe on both our faces, and the few others who happened to be as lucky as we were, and felt delighted for receiving such complements from smiling human eyes. Anyways, whatever that shooting star was thinking, Adam and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, together. But like I said, to be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. This had been no coincidence.

Earlier that night, we had been hanging out at my house watching movies and the like. Suddenly, the content mood we had been in changed when Emily and her friends started having band practice. But it was not just the hard sound of the music or the harsh vocals alone that directed us into an uncomfortable vibe. There was too much going on. Our movie clashed with their playing, the house was cluttered with stuff, and above all, we had not spent much time with God. Adam was first to experience this negative energy and went outside to get away. I followed to make sure he was okay. Upon learning what was bothering him, I suggested we take a walk. He agreed.

It was chilly outside, but nice. I went inside to put on long sleeves and flip-flops. When I came back out, we prayed. We lifted up our troubles to God and asked for spiritual healing. What was to be a walk of escape, suddenly, became an enjoyable nighttime stroll. And so we meandered through the streets, conversing over various things, and providing each other with good company. Eventually, we ended up on a street that we don’t normally go down when we do go for walks, a street that I am not so familiar with. In some great way, God put it on our hearts to turn that way, and we did. And at the end of that street, passed the little downhill, is where we caught sight of a brilliant shooting star. The only time I ever saw one was so long ago that I couldn’t remember what they looked like in real life. I had to ask Adam what it was. He said it was the biggest shooting star he had ever seen, and that we’d probably never see one that big again. It was so big and so bright that our attention was immediately drawn to it, despite the fact that my eyes had been elsewhere in the sky, and that Adam hadn’t even been looking at the sky at all.

I must say this again. To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Praise God! How wonderfully and mysteriously He works! Amen!

I guess I was in a writing mood...

(Yes, I was in a writing mood when I wrote this entry. There was actually a whole first section that would have been fine as its own entry. There was about five pages worth here before I stopped myself and got to bed at four in the morning. This morning I decided I didn't want the world to hear me venting for three pages. And as much as this blog is meant for me to get things out, I felt it would be better to take it down. Because I've gotten it out now. It was a way for me to vent to myself, and now that I think about it, I'd rather not share it publicly. But I have not deleted it entirely. As of this morning, it is stored away as a draft in my blog, entitled "The Lost Entry (Never to have eyes lay upon it again)." So when you look at this entry in length, double it in your mind and you've got the length of the original entry. Yeah, I guess I was in a writing mood.)

Here's the second part...

Time with God (Halleluiah!)

Even though I had a rough time at work, God got me through it. I asked Him to put forgiveness in my heart so that I could continue working with Eileen. She’s not a bad person, really. She just drives me nuts sometimes. So God took as much anger out of my heart as my faith would allow Him to. And little did I know that someone else was praying for me while I was at work. I think it helped a lot. It must have, because I got through the work day without totally freaking out on someone or crying.

Then I went to youth group after work. We had a much needed, unprepared night of open and private prayer. After amazing time in worship, instead of going into his topic for the night, Pastor Rob sensed that a lot of us had to come before God with certain things that were on our hearts. So for a while, Mariah just played music and we all sat in silence, lifting up our hearts to the Lord. It was awesome! I had so much I wanted to thank God for, and so much to lay before Him. I thanked Him for His great mercy and wonderful grace. I thanked Him for being so faithful to me in my life, even when I felt so unworthy of His love. I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit that I just cried. Even during worship, tears trickled down my face as we sang words that asked God to let us be a seeking generation.

And as I thought about this generation, my heart went out to those who are in distress, who don’t know God at all. They are broken and lost, hurt and abandoned. They go through addictions of the flesh everyday. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the outer image. There are girls starving themselves so they might look like those models on TV, in magazines, and everywhere else. Some girls cover their faces with tons of make up, some do a hundred sit-ups a day, some hide in the shadows so as not to be seen at all. Some teens have had so much sex that they don’t know what real love is supposed to be. Physical pleasure becomes a quick fix from a world that scares them, and they cling to the feel-good that takes them away from it, if only for a moment. Teenage pregnancy is on the rise, as well as abortion. Not only is abortion wrong, but what a girl's body goes through during those procedures can be permanently damaging. Sometimes girls are never able to bear children again. There are kids who come from broken homes, abusive relationships with family or girlfriends/boyfriends. Sometimes physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse. There is divorce tearing families apart. I don’t care how old you are if you go through it. Divorce sucks no matter what. There are people out there with no homes, no family, no friends. Some of them are hooked so bad on drugs or alcohol that they have no hope. They are dead inside. They can’t even look up at a beautiful, clear night sky blanketed with stars, and feel alive! The beauty all around them in nature doesn’t mean anything if they’re not drugged up. I know people like this. Some people have everything, others have nothing, and neither party is satisfied. They are depressed, feeling worthless or ugly, abandoned, and without hope.

My heart goes out to them so much. I may not have experienced all those things, but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. With pressure at school, a fear of going home, and the thought that I was unable to be truly loved by anyone, I fell into a state of depression in my sophomore year. I just felt tired all the time, saddened by the amount of work in school. Junior year I still felt ugly, even when a boy asked me out and I started getting in shape with sports. I felt better, but was still on the edge of a break down as home life got worse with my mom and dad fighting all the time. There was so much more that happened, but it is difficult to go into detail. Some of my best friends from middle school and early high school ended up getting involved with the wrong people. Their stories are not happy ones. Luckily, God blessed me with good morals and a good family to teach me right from wrong. I still messed up though. I disconnected myself from God so that I wouldn’t feel guilty crossing my boundaries, but I felt horrible anyways. There were times when I thought about what suicide was like, and that it might be nice if I could just get rid of all the pressures by leaving this world entirely. I never once acted on those thoughts. Deep down I knew I was better than that. And I would be letting a lot of people down if I left.

Anyways, I have been there, in a place I never want to revisit. Jesus Christ died so that I could live. And He didn’t die for just me, but for every soul on this planet. He is rebuilding me a little at a time, showing me how to live for Him, and by doing so I am becoming more comfortable with myself. And I think He is calling me to do great things. I just don’t know what yet. But to live the life I once did, which is a life without God, is to live a life of death and sorrow. I was never truly happy. Now I am full of joy when I hear the testimonies of others and how God changed their lives for the better. And I cry so deeply when I think of how many people are suffering and hating life. But if you are some one who is angry and lost, and happen to read this, I urge you strongly to give God a chance. Do not believe the lies about God being evil or out to hurt your heart. Those are Satan’s tricks. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants you to blame all your misery on God, when God is the one who is fighting for your soul day and night! The evil one tries to turn all good things to bad. So again, I encourage you to give God a chance, and if you are left disappointed, then by all means go back to where you were before. But I can promise that if you open your heart to Him, you will learn to trust Him, and He will not let you down. He does not want you to suffer. He loves you with all of His heart. He is the Creator of all things and He created you, too. The Lord knows you, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the His Holy hands. God made us in His own image. He is beautiful, and so are we because we bear His image. He does not make mistakes, and so you are not a mistake. He loves every one of His creations. It is the evil inside of us that He wages war against. He is fighting for us, fighting against that which dwells inside us and makes us feel ugly or weak or worthless. I praise the glorious name of God because He is the one who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that I could escape the horrid downward spiral I was in. Now I am blessed with more than I could hope for! Thanks be to God! Amen!