I Wasn't Ready

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.