[This entry took me a while to finish, but here it is. Inspired by the many AIM and facebook profiles I've read.]
I wish people wouldn't use the word "love" so loosely. Love is more than just a strong liking for something or someone. Even the main definitions from dictionary.com seems empty when it comes to love. Or at least I'm a bit disappointed by it.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
I've seen enough relationships throughout high school to learn a few things. A love-hate relationship where a boy and girl do nothing but fight, break-up, have sex, and get back together is not a real relationship at all. It becomes a physical and emotional game, leaving both parties confused, numbed to actual love, or empty with only a temporary solution, which in most cases is a physical, sexual one. Or perhaps they have become so accustomed to having a boyfriend/girlfriend that they just don't know what to do with themselves when they are apart.
So I ask you, how is that love? Isn't love supposed to leave you feeling satisfied always, full of joy and peace, and without anxiety? I don't understand relationships that seem to be going so well that the couple says how much they love one another... every five minutes. They are always together, never spending time with friends anymore. Because suddenly, this other person is more important than school, family, friends, and other priorites. They spend every waking moment together. It's almost sickening. But they "love" each other. They care about one another. So much so that they must constantly be aware of where the other one is going.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Then before they part for the expected two minutes, they embrace and kiss. Upon return, "I missed you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The word love loses its meaning and it becomes just that... a word. Eventually, one party starts to feel suffocated by the perpetual outward affections, which aren't affections at all but insecurities. It becomes too much and that person misses his or her friends and family. And college is right around the corner. How can there be a relationship that involves so much time and still be time for school work? Eventually, there is break-up. The party receiving the news of separation can react in a few ways. They might fall into a depression, a stage of self-pity. There is suddenly no one else on the earth who will love him/her. They have nothing. Or perhaps they go into a state of anger and accusation against the person who did the breaking up. Where did the love go? I thought you guys couldn't get enough of each other. Now, you're yelling and screaming, saying how much you hate each other. Or maybe the broken-hearted party spreads the aweful break-up to friends, looking for comfort in other people, and for them to take sides and believe that he/she has truly been wronged.
These are just examples, of course. But they are based on much of what I have seen in relationships today. Where is the love? Is it really loving someone if you are afraid they might fall down the stairs every time they go to the kitchen for a drink? And is it really loving them if you can't let them out of your sight for a second?
What about those girls who see a "hot" guy and instantly "fall in love" with him? Sure, you can find someone attractive, maybe be infatuated with their smile and cool clothing style, but that isn't love. THAT is what I might call a strong like. Liking can be temporary. It is not love. Or what about the guys who drool over the models in magazines. They fall in love with a girl's body, rather than the girl. How easy it is for a guy to tell a girl he loves her with words. Yeah, maybe he thinks she's a nice girl with a cute face, but her body isn't as appealing as that other girl's. And he doesn't really agree with her ideas about saving the rain forest.
But girls can be the same way. I've had a lot of girl friends who judge guys based on their looks or talents. "Oh, I don't like him. He has a big nose." Or "He's so scrawny and has no muscle. And his teeth are crooked! Gross!" Or "I like him. He has a nice car!" Or "He's so cool! He's in a band. He plays guitar and drums and he has awesome piercings!" Or the most repulsive form of judgement, "I bet he has a big dick! Just look at his feet!" Blah blah blah... It's all garbage. NOT love. I don't even think it's considerate or caring of people in anyway to decide whether you even like them or not. Again, where is the love? Do you even get a vibe from people like this that says love? Or does it say infatuation?
As far as sexual passion, sexual intercourse, or a love affair being an equivallent to love, as mentioned in the above definitions, I must disagree. Sure, there can be passion in sex. It's in movies and on tv all the time. And certainly sexual intercourse itself is the act of a man and woman (or what have you) coming together to... have sex. But to have sex does not mean love is present. The phrase "make love" is a more romantic way of saying to have sex, but you can't actually make love out of sex.
Do the men who pay for prostitutes actually love them? And do the prostitutes truly love the clients they sleep with? Just the fact that they are clients, people who pay them for a service, just shows that for them sex is a business. (I'm not putting down prostitutes. I feel horrible for what they go through every day. I wish they didn't have to sell themselves like they do.) And the pimps who sell them don't love them. Not really. It's all about money. "Oh, you have a vagina, do you? Why don't you use it to make me some money, and maybe I'll give you a place to stay." How horrible that is! That is not love! That is possession! It is abusing something that was meant to be precious.
I don't think I even need to explain a love affair. I can assure you that having an affair might work out for the one in it, but the one being cheated on sure isn't feeling the love. And when things boil down, no one is left happy. There is only mistrust and hurt, maybe separation and divorce. These things do not come from real love.
"An intense emotional attachment..." I don't know about you, but that seems more like a definition for obsession. Sure, I care about my pets. I could even go as far as to say I love them. They are part of the family. But when it comes to real love, they are still just animals. And of course I hope nothing bad happens to them. When driving, I avoid hitting squirrels at all costs. It hurts my heart to hear how some people treat animals. Animal cruelty really gets to me. And maybe is it just that I care deeply for the living things God put on this earth. If it is love, it certainly is a different kind. But I shall not get into that, either. This topic of love is all to broad. But I know that to love material items is not real love. Things cannot satisfy the heart, nor can people. But people, in my opinion, have a better chance at filling the void in someone's life than animals or things do. Aah! Moving on... this entry is getting way to long!
My impression of love is something that should be unconditional. Like the way a parent loves a child. (That is an entirely different topic I will not discuss here and now. I know not all parents show love toward their children, but for my point's sake, consider the traditional family set up if you would.) To truly care about someone is to let them be themselves, forgive them when they do wrong, help them in their times of need. It should be an outward and inward act more than an emotional feeling or attraction one gets toward someone. Even my own interpretation of it is bothering me here. So I shall turn to the most reliable of my sources. A book that is so simple and so profound that it can be looked to for all of life's questions and concerns. And it comes from the Creator Himself. Bible time!
Some passages I found involving love:
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:9-16)
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1Corinthians 13:1-8)
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13:13)
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1John 2:15-17)
We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death... This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1John 3:14, 16-18)
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us... And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1John 4:7-12, 16-21)
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
(Joel 2:13)
He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Proverbs 17:9)
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17)
Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
(Proverbs 27:5)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
(Solomon's Song 2:7)
Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
(Solomon's Song 8:6-7)
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
(Hosea 2:7)
The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, "You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you."
(Hosea 3:1-3)
Again I must tell you this is a very broad topic. There are different kinds of love. Love for a spouse, love for friends, love for family, love for God. But all these things come from the Lord. God is love, and therefore we are able to love. So when I hear people use the word love so carelessly, it takes away the realness of it. I see the their profiles and whatnot. Things like, "I love to get drunk!" Or "Steve, I love you, baby!" A week later it is replaced by "Steve's an asshole. I love Brian!" And how it hurts me to hear kids tell their parents they hate them. To say you love someone is simply verbal. To act upon love is something better. And I don't mean to act upon sexual urges, for even that is not the essence of love. Well, the Bible is pretty clear on what love is and how we must love and who we must love. These have been my thoughts on the matter.
Peace and...love!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
My First Road Adventure Driving Standard
Ah! I have bug bites on my toes. They itch. Bug bites must be the most satisfying things to scratch next to chicken pox. To be itchy... such a strange feeling. I know I shouldn't scratch, but I do anyway. To irritate it by scratching is actually remedying my discomfort. No, I don't like getting bitten by these pests of summer, nor do I like the itching sensation associated with them. But if I'm gonna get bit and itchy, I might as well use a "cure for the itch". (Yeah, that's the title to a Linkin Park song.) Anyways...
I slept in this morning, until about 11:20. In all that time I was sleeping, I was dreaming as well. It amazes me how many different dreams I can have in one night, only to remember a select few. And even the ones I remember fade almost as soon as I wake.
One dream left me stranded in Rocky Hill, or so I thought it was Rocky Hill. I think I was at a party on one side of town, while Adam's house was on the other side. I didn't know where I was or where Adam was, but for some reason I had his car. As I crossed the parking lot- which looked like that of a gas station- and left the brick building where the party had been, I came to Adam's little silver Civic. I knew I couldn't stay and that I had to find my way back to his house, but I was scared. I couldn't call him for some reason. So I mustered up what courage I had and started the car.
[Adam drives a standard in real life and that is what it was in the dream. I do not know how to drive standard except for what Adam has taught me so far: how to start the car, how to start moving (which is the hardest part) in first gear, and how to shift into second and third. By no means am I ready to drive on the roads in real life.]
Back to the dream. I started the car, backed out of the parking space, and prepared to move forward. Everything seemed to go smoothly in the dream. No jerking or stalling, but I had trouble shifting because I couldn't see the shift stick. So I had to rely on my knowledge of where each gear was and feel what I was doing. I got out onto the road where the lanes were abnormally wide. It was night time so there wasn't too much traffic, but still enough to make me nervous.
I didn't shift into second until part way down the road when I realized I had forgotten. The RPM gauge was on the five by the time I shifted to second. Everything went smoothly. It didn't even feel like I had to switch between gas and clutch like Indiana Jones (inside metaphor used by me and Adam). Each transition was quick and easy. But when it came to shifting into third gear, I had trouble because I couldn't see if I was pushing the stick over too much or to little. By the time I got it figured out, I was coming to a red light and had to slow to a stop anyways.
I pushed in the clutch, breaked, and shifted back to first gear. I was almost completely stopped, but the light turned green and I was moving again. Back into second gear. I decided to turn onto some side roads, waiting for something to look familiar. Nothing did. I managed to get up some small hills in second gear. I don't really know what that means or if it's possible. I have yet to learn what gears to use in certain situations. Well, as lost as I was in the dream, I felt quite good about my first road adventure driving standard.
Eventually, I was back on the main street, driving in one of the many lanes. There were mostly green lights all the way down. Then for some reason, one of my youth leaders, Pastor Chris, was walking around in the middle of the street in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet. He was smiling contently as I slowed down to see what he was doing. I was suddenly outside the car, talking to him, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Then it kind of ended. The dream, I mean.
The funny thing, though, is that during that dream there was another completely different dream going on. So there were two dreams sort of interlaced. I don't really remember what the other dream was about, something with my friends at a party I think. Anyways, the way it worked was that I would be in one dream for a little while, then randomly switch to the other and pick up exactly where I left off. Kind of like a movie or show where you get to see what's going on in two differnt places at the same time. Kind of a two-in-one dream.
The dream following those took place in my room. My friend, Wayne, came to visit me. He came to see how I was doing because we haven't reallly hung out all summer. He also came to get a CD that I had borrowed from his dad, which reminded me that he still had a CD and a book of mine. So I gave him back was was his, and we went out to his car to get what was mine. Then we went back to my room. I went to sit on my bed but somehow miscalcutated where the edge was and fell on the floor. We both laughed and laughed and laughed, until the dream ended soon after. I woke up thinking it was 3PM, but it was only eleven something. I was reminded by the dream that I have to call Wayne because he actually does have my stuff.
Dreams are wierd.
I slept in this morning, until about 11:20. In all that time I was sleeping, I was dreaming as well. It amazes me how many different dreams I can have in one night, only to remember a select few. And even the ones I remember fade almost as soon as I wake.
One dream left me stranded in Rocky Hill, or so I thought it was Rocky Hill. I think I was at a party on one side of town, while Adam's house was on the other side. I didn't know where I was or where Adam was, but for some reason I had his car. As I crossed the parking lot- which looked like that of a gas station- and left the brick building where the party had been, I came to Adam's little silver Civic. I knew I couldn't stay and that I had to find my way back to his house, but I was scared. I couldn't call him for some reason. So I mustered up what courage I had and started the car.
[Adam drives a standard in real life and that is what it was in the dream. I do not know how to drive standard except for what Adam has taught me so far: how to start the car, how to start moving (which is the hardest part) in first gear, and how to shift into second and third. By no means am I ready to drive on the roads in real life.]
Back to the dream. I started the car, backed out of the parking space, and prepared to move forward. Everything seemed to go smoothly in the dream. No jerking or stalling, but I had trouble shifting because I couldn't see the shift stick. So I had to rely on my knowledge of where each gear was and feel what I was doing. I got out onto the road where the lanes were abnormally wide. It was night time so there wasn't too much traffic, but still enough to make me nervous.
I didn't shift into second until part way down the road when I realized I had forgotten. The RPM gauge was on the five by the time I shifted to second. Everything went smoothly. It didn't even feel like I had to switch between gas and clutch like Indiana Jones (inside metaphor used by me and Adam). Each transition was quick and easy. But when it came to shifting into third gear, I had trouble because I couldn't see if I was pushing the stick over too much or to little. By the time I got it figured out, I was coming to a red light and had to slow to a stop anyways.
I pushed in the clutch, breaked, and shifted back to first gear. I was almost completely stopped, but the light turned green and I was moving again. Back into second gear. I decided to turn onto some side roads, waiting for something to look familiar. Nothing did. I managed to get up some small hills in second gear. I don't really know what that means or if it's possible. I have yet to learn what gears to use in certain situations. Well, as lost as I was in the dream, I felt quite good about my first road adventure driving standard.
Eventually, I was back on the main street, driving in one of the many lanes. There were mostly green lights all the way down. Then for some reason, one of my youth leaders, Pastor Chris, was walking around in the middle of the street in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet. He was smiling contently as I slowed down to see what he was doing. I was suddenly outside the car, talking to him, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Then it kind of ended. The dream, I mean.
The funny thing, though, is that during that dream there was another completely different dream going on. So there were two dreams sort of interlaced. I don't really remember what the other dream was about, something with my friends at a party I think. Anyways, the way it worked was that I would be in one dream for a little while, then randomly switch to the other and pick up exactly where I left off. Kind of like a movie or show where you get to see what's going on in two differnt places at the same time. Kind of a two-in-one dream.
The dream following those took place in my room. My friend, Wayne, came to visit me. He came to see how I was doing because we haven't reallly hung out all summer. He also came to get a CD that I had borrowed from his dad, which reminded me that he still had a CD and a book of mine. So I gave him back was was his, and we went out to his car to get what was mine. Then we went back to my room. I went to sit on my bed but somehow miscalcutated where the edge was and fell on the floor. We both laughed and laughed and laughed, until the dream ended soon after. I woke up thinking it was 3PM, but it was only eleven something. I was reminded by the dream that I have to call Wayne because he actually does have my stuff.
Dreams are wierd.
The Motherland (and I don't care if it's two words; this is my story)
I'm working on a really big entry at the moment (well, not THIS very moment, but it's a work in progress). It will still be a while before I get it up, and so in the meantime, and while I'm lacking the motivation to go to bed at this hour, I have decided to post this entry to keep you loyal blog checkers entertained. Though, it is rather ridiculous.
The Motherland
The motherland! She is coming from a far away place. She has unhinged herself from the borders of soil and rock, and she is escaping to the freedom where we reside. But the waters are tricky, they are. Will they allow her to float, or will she sink like nickles tossed to the fountains?
Behold! She is running swiftly, skipping over the seas in great triumph. And you might ask yourself, How might a land mass be running over the sea, or running at all for that matter? I tell you she was well prepared over the centuries, plotting her course. The motherland is alive and well! And so she has sprung the apendages needed for such a journey.
Cross the seas so blue she comes. We see her now in the distance, growing larger in our perception. She is oh so lovely! We have flowers ready for her arrival. She is nearly here! Motherland, I have missed you! I shout these things to her as she nears the shore.
She will be staying here with our new homeland. We know they will be friends. We have discussed it before. She will be free, and she will be together with us once more. And now she is upon the shore!
But wait! She was not to keep going passed the ocean's edge, but I understand her wanting, her sense of adventure. I gaze up at you, my motherland, full of birds and beasts, full of fruit and farm land. How awesome your size! You have come now to be with us! Oh, motherland, you tower above me! And what massively jagged feet you have!
*SQUISH!*
end
Yeah, I'm tired now. Good night.
The Motherland
The motherland! She is coming from a far away place. She has unhinged herself from the borders of soil and rock, and she is escaping to the freedom where we reside. But the waters are tricky, they are. Will they allow her to float, or will she sink like nickles tossed to the fountains?
Behold! She is running swiftly, skipping over the seas in great triumph. And you might ask yourself, How might a land mass be running over the sea, or running at all for that matter? I tell you she was well prepared over the centuries, plotting her course. The motherland is alive and well! And so she has sprung the apendages needed for such a journey.
Cross the seas so blue she comes. We see her now in the distance, growing larger in our perception. She is oh so lovely! We have flowers ready for her arrival. She is nearly here! Motherland, I have missed you! I shout these things to her as she nears the shore.
She will be staying here with our new homeland. We know they will be friends. We have discussed it before. She will be free, and she will be together with us once more. And now she is upon the shore!
But wait! She was not to keep going passed the ocean's edge, but I understand her wanting, her sense of adventure. I gaze up at you, my motherland, full of birds and beasts, full of fruit and farm land. How awesome your size! You have come now to be with us! Oh, motherland, you tower above me! And what massively jagged feet you have!
*SQUISH!*
end
Yeah, I'm tired now. Good night.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Please Fogive Us
Now listening to "If We Are the Body" by Casting Crowns. I really like this song. It speaks truth. The chorus is this:
But If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing
them there is a way?
I heard something yesterday that really hurt my heart. Someone my mom knows used to be very involved in the Catholic church and actually worked for it. He's a good person and believes in God, but he has trouble with structured religion now. Back when he was with the church, he messed up. Just like we all do. No one is perfect, right? Anyways, something happened when he was in high school. He got a girl pregnant. He didn't want her to get an abortion, so she didn't. He went to his priest to tell him what happened. Instead of responding with love in a hard situation, the church turned him away and fired him. Though he messed up, wouldn't you agree that he did the right thing by being honest with the priest, who was supposed to be his friend, and not letting his girlfriend get an abortion?
How can God's kingdom grow if we don't show love toward people? I'm just as much a sinner as the next person. Instead of condemning teenage girls for getting pregnant, or the guys who get them pregnant, we should be willing still to show them love and help them if we can. I'm not saying I agree with the wrong decisions people make that are displeasing to God (I've had my share of bad choices, too), but if our reaction to it is negative to the point where they are turned off to God, how does that help them? It certainly isn't glorifying to God. Jesus was surrounded by some horrible people when He came to preach the Good News, but he loved them anyways. Of course, we will never be fully like Jesus, for it is harder for us to forgive people who hurt us, or to love our enemies. We are a flawed people. We lie, cheat, steal, hate, lust, and worship the world. We give into the temptation of temporary things.
Right now, on behalf of all Christians, I would like to ask forgiveness of those who we have hurt, for the ones who have been turned off to God because off our ungodly actions. I beg you to realize that we are like you, flawed as humans are. I am so sorry if the Christians you've met are not what you expect of followers of Christ. And I challenge you to seek God not based on what you've seen in people. Certainly, you can learn from each other, but the One true source of salvation and life is He who created us. Jesus came to clean our sin away so that we would no longer have to live by law, but by faith. We are in God's grace, a free gift, but in order to receive that gift you must reach out and accept it. When God made man, man lived by the law as a means to get into Heaven. But man was full of sin, so Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, was sent as a living sacrafice to take on all of our sins. Once our sins were cleared, we no longer lived by law, but by faith alone, under God's good grace.
I guess my point right now is, to those of you have messed big time and have been rejected because of it, just know that God will never abandon you. Jesus loves you so much that He died on the cross to set you free. Don't put your faith in people. They will disappoint you. The Holy Spirit does not disappoint.
"As for you, you were dead in your trangressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among the at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we we by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved... For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:1-5, 8-10
Again, to anyone hurt or turned off by so-called followers of Christ, I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Let us not be the deciding factor in your expectation of the Almighty saving Lord God. He has done nothing wrong. It is we who do the wrong. Please forgive us.
But If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing
them there is a way?
I heard something yesterday that really hurt my heart. Someone my mom knows used to be very involved in the Catholic church and actually worked for it. He's a good person and believes in God, but he has trouble with structured religion now. Back when he was with the church, he messed up. Just like we all do. No one is perfect, right? Anyways, something happened when he was in high school. He got a girl pregnant. He didn't want her to get an abortion, so she didn't. He went to his priest to tell him what happened. Instead of responding with love in a hard situation, the church turned him away and fired him. Though he messed up, wouldn't you agree that he did the right thing by being honest with the priest, who was supposed to be his friend, and not letting his girlfriend get an abortion?
How can God's kingdom grow if we don't show love toward people? I'm just as much a sinner as the next person. Instead of condemning teenage girls for getting pregnant, or the guys who get them pregnant, we should be willing still to show them love and help them if we can. I'm not saying I agree with the wrong decisions people make that are displeasing to God (I've had my share of bad choices, too), but if our reaction to it is negative to the point where they are turned off to God, how does that help them? It certainly isn't glorifying to God. Jesus was surrounded by some horrible people when He came to preach the Good News, but he loved them anyways. Of course, we will never be fully like Jesus, for it is harder for us to forgive people who hurt us, or to love our enemies. We are a flawed people. We lie, cheat, steal, hate, lust, and worship the world. We give into the temptation of temporary things.
Right now, on behalf of all Christians, I would like to ask forgiveness of those who we have hurt, for the ones who have been turned off to God because off our ungodly actions. I beg you to realize that we are like you, flawed as humans are. I am so sorry if the Christians you've met are not what you expect of followers of Christ. And I challenge you to seek God not based on what you've seen in people. Certainly, you can learn from each other, but the One true source of salvation and life is He who created us. Jesus came to clean our sin away so that we would no longer have to live by law, but by faith. We are in God's grace, a free gift, but in order to receive that gift you must reach out and accept it. When God made man, man lived by the law as a means to get into Heaven. But man was full of sin, so Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, was sent as a living sacrafice to take on all of our sins. Once our sins were cleared, we no longer lived by law, but by faith alone, under God's good grace.
I guess my point right now is, to those of you have messed big time and have been rejected because of it, just know that God will never abandon you. Jesus loves you so much that He died on the cross to set you free. Don't put your faith in people. They will disappoint you. The Holy Spirit does not disappoint.
"As for you, you were dead in your trangressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among the at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we we by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved... For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:1-5, 8-10
Again, to anyone hurt or turned off by so-called followers of Christ, I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Let us not be the deciding factor in your expectation of the Almighty saving Lord God. He has done nothing wrong. It is we who do the wrong. Please forgive us.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Not As Planned
I so often forget to acknowledge God about the endeavors taking place throughout the course of my days. Tonight, sometime after writing the entry preceeding this one, Lauren called me asking why I wasn't at the fair. I could have gotten upset when she me told that everyone else was there, making me feel somewhat guilty. But I didn't. I just told her that I had not planned on going because I was planning on going to bed early, and also that I wanted to save money.
I had planned on going to bed early, having already brushed my teeth and washed my face. But Lauren called mainly to ask if I was interested in going to Wakelee School to play on the playground. If it was not to late by the time they left the fair, I would go. As it turned out, Lauren came to pick me up instead of me going to me up with everyone in my car. It wasn't too late. I had been online talking to Chels (we're gonna be roomies!) about our room situation, like who was bringing what, when Lauren pulled up in the jeep. Charlene, Caitlin, Chris, and Ashley were also with her. We headed to the playground. Upon arrival Cait, Chris and I ran over to the merry-go-round. Chris would push us around before jumping on himself. It was fun.
Then we went to the swings where everyone else was. Corey, Matt, and Erik showed up soon after. Someone's cell phone rang. It was our wonderful Italian friend, Donato. He needed someone to pick him up from work. I offered to get him in my car because my house was closer to the school, as long as someone went with me. Cait and Chris went with me. An old friend from high school was just getting there so we had him drop us off at my house. We were then on our way to Southington, to the bowling alley where Donato works. It took a little while to get there, but he was thankful for the ride. His car had broken so to get to work he walked. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but if he did indeed walk... well, that's a LOOOOOONG walk!
The whole way back was very humerous to me as Chris and Donato argued about the proper way to make a fish tank out of an old computer monitor. [Chris has taken it upon himself to turn an old computer monitor he has into a working fish tank so he can bring it to school.] They argued about what kind of fish to get and how many. [They are rooming together this year.] Donato said he wanted three or four "Nemo" fish, while Chris didn't want that many of the same fish. The conversation went through various stages. From the building of the tank, to the purchasing of fish, to using silicon. They debated over whether or not silicon is poisonous to fish. I was cracking up listening to the way they argued their points to each other. For example, when it came to the silicon debate, Donato insisted silicon was poisonous to fish while Chris argued that it wasn't. (I may not be getting the details right because I don't know what silicon is, or even if I'm spelling it right, but this is the gist.)
"It isn't poisonous! How is it poisonous?"
"Well, would you put your lips on silicon?"
"Yes! I would actually!"
That is just a piece of that conversation. I wish I could remember the rest of their bantering enough to put it hear, but I can't.
We got back to Wakelee to hang out for a bit by the monkey bars. Not staying too much longer, we said our goodbyes. I brought Caitlin and Donato to their homes before returning to mine. It was a short but pleasant evening with my friends. I did not have to go to the fair to hang out with them, nor did I have to spend any money. It was free fun, and probably more so than the fair would have been for me. And even though I didn't go to the fair, and even though I wanted to go to bed early, I thank God for giving me time with them and for using me to provide transportation for Donato and Cait.
And now, here I am, blogging once again only to finish after 1:00AM. Totally not a plan of my own, but it worked out nicely. However, I don't think it is the best idea for me to be eating ice cream this late, especially having covered it with chocolate syrup and Special K (there were no krispies or cheerios in the pantry :( so i made do). But, hey. I don't have much longer before I go back to school and put myself on a healthier diet. Might as well take advantage of one more late night. Tomorrow I continue packing. Fun. Anyways...
This has been another boring entry from... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Alyssa, go to sleep!
I had planned on going to bed early, having already brushed my teeth and washed my face. But Lauren called mainly to ask if I was interested in going to Wakelee School to play on the playground. If it was not to late by the time they left the fair, I would go. As it turned out, Lauren came to pick me up instead of me going to me up with everyone in my car. It wasn't too late. I had been online talking to Chels (we're gonna be roomies!) about our room situation, like who was bringing what, when Lauren pulled up in the jeep. Charlene, Caitlin, Chris, and Ashley were also with her. We headed to the playground. Upon arrival Cait, Chris and I ran over to the merry-go-round. Chris would push us around before jumping on himself. It was fun.
Then we went to the swings where everyone else was. Corey, Matt, and Erik showed up soon after. Someone's cell phone rang. It was our wonderful Italian friend, Donato. He needed someone to pick him up from work. I offered to get him in my car because my house was closer to the school, as long as someone went with me. Cait and Chris went with me. An old friend from high school was just getting there so we had him drop us off at my house. We were then on our way to Southington, to the bowling alley where Donato works. It took a little while to get there, but he was thankful for the ride. His car had broken so to get to work he walked. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but if he did indeed walk... well, that's a LOOOOOONG walk!
The whole way back was very humerous to me as Chris and Donato argued about the proper way to make a fish tank out of an old computer monitor. [Chris has taken it upon himself to turn an old computer monitor he has into a working fish tank so he can bring it to school.] They argued about what kind of fish to get and how many. [They are rooming together this year.] Donato said he wanted three or four "Nemo" fish, while Chris didn't want that many of the same fish. The conversation went through various stages. From the building of the tank, to the purchasing of fish, to using silicon. They debated over whether or not silicon is poisonous to fish. I was cracking up listening to the way they argued their points to each other. For example, when it came to the silicon debate, Donato insisted silicon was poisonous to fish while Chris argued that it wasn't. (I may not be getting the details right because I don't know what silicon is, or even if I'm spelling it right, but this is the gist.)
"It isn't poisonous! How is it poisonous?"
"Well, would you put your lips on silicon?"
"Yes! I would actually!"
That is just a piece of that conversation. I wish I could remember the rest of their bantering enough to put it hear, but I can't.
We got back to Wakelee to hang out for a bit by the monkey bars. Not staying too much longer, we said our goodbyes. I brought Caitlin and Donato to their homes before returning to mine. It was a short but pleasant evening with my friends. I did not have to go to the fair to hang out with them, nor did I have to spend any money. It was free fun, and probably more so than the fair would have been for me. And even though I didn't go to the fair, and even though I wanted to go to bed early, I thank God for giving me time with them and for using me to provide transportation for Donato and Cait.
And now, here I am, blogging once again only to finish after 1:00AM. Totally not a plan of my own, but it worked out nicely. However, I don't think it is the best idea for me to be eating ice cream this late, especially having covered it with chocolate syrup and Special K (there were no krispies or cheerios in the pantry :( so i made do). But, hey. I don't have much longer before I go back to school and put myself on a healthier diet. Might as well take advantage of one more late night. Tomorrow I continue packing. Fun. Anyways...
This has been another boring entry from... yada yada yada. Yeah, I know. Alyssa, go to sleep!
And Just Like the Movies
I'm listening to the Superman Theme song for the second time right now. Matt and Corey showed up at random. I decided I wanted to listen to Superman's music. Maybe it was the fact that I watched the first Superman movie (the original) with Adam and Emily today that sparked this sudden want for the opening theme to be playing throughout the house. I don't know, but I'm enjoying it. Now I think I'll move on to something else as the song has just ended. Perhaps Star Wars. Yeah, Star Wars. Ah... there it is.
Corey, Matt, and Kaylee just left to go to the fair. I was also pressured to go, but I was disinclined to go for several reasons. For one thing, and probably the ruling factor, I am trying to save money for school, which is right around the corner. Also, the Wolcott fair has become less and less thrilling for me over the years. The same rides are there each year, and most of the time, the more exciting rides are not all that exciting. This year, from the looks of it, the most intense ride is the boat that swings back and forth. [I'm now on to Indina Jones.] It just doesn't appeal to me.
Sure, I'm missing the traditional, annual town event that pretty much everyone goes to. I'm missing the awesome fried dough that I look forward to every time I go. I'm missing the chance to hang out with friends and family one last time before going back to school. I'm missing the fireworks, the music, the laughter, the sound of screaming children as they face their fear of "big" rides, and the prizes to be received from those rip-off carnival games. But... it's so temporary and mushed together all at once. It seems such a waste. Pay to get in, pay for everything else once you're in.
I don't have any specific memories of years past, either. I can't recall anything crazy happening with a group of friends. One year stands out in my mind. It rained and we were all pushing and shoving under some enormous tent, waiting for it to let up and for the rides to be put back into opperation. But there is not one recollection of a particularly fun experience at the Wolcott Fair. I'm not saying that the times I went were bad, just so uneventful that I can tell myself I'm not missing anything special by not going.
It's never come up in conversation either. Nothing like, "Hey! Remember that one time at the Wolcott Fair when So-and-so barfed all over that lady after riding the Zipper!" or "Dude! Do you remember that time we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel for like an hour and that guy next to us started freaking out?" Nothing. Every year is kind of the same. There are events going on, but nothing eventful happening, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I'm juat trying to convince myself that it's okay not to be there while everyone else is.
Well, I had something entirely different in mind for this entry, but this is the direction I went in. I originally wanted to talk about how today, just for a moment, I felt like I was in a movie. And so my title for this entry shall remain as it is. But perhaps I'll write on that topic some other time.
Peace and love, kittens.
Corey, Matt, and Kaylee just left to go to the fair. I was also pressured to go, but I was disinclined to go for several reasons. For one thing, and probably the ruling factor, I am trying to save money for school, which is right around the corner. Also, the Wolcott fair has become less and less thrilling for me over the years. The same rides are there each year, and most of the time, the more exciting rides are not all that exciting. This year, from the looks of it, the most intense ride is the boat that swings back and forth. [I'm now on to Indina Jones.] It just doesn't appeal to me.
Sure, I'm missing the traditional, annual town event that pretty much everyone goes to. I'm missing the awesome fried dough that I look forward to every time I go. I'm missing the chance to hang out with friends and family one last time before going back to school. I'm missing the fireworks, the music, the laughter, the sound of screaming children as they face their fear of "big" rides, and the prizes to be received from those rip-off carnival games. But... it's so temporary and mushed together all at once. It seems such a waste. Pay to get in, pay for everything else once you're in.
I don't have any specific memories of years past, either. I can't recall anything crazy happening with a group of friends. One year stands out in my mind. It rained and we were all pushing and shoving under some enormous tent, waiting for it to let up and for the rides to be put back into opperation. But there is not one recollection of a particularly fun experience at the Wolcott Fair. I'm not saying that the times I went were bad, just so uneventful that I can tell myself I'm not missing anything special by not going.
It's never come up in conversation either. Nothing like, "Hey! Remember that one time at the Wolcott Fair when So-and-so barfed all over that lady after riding the Zipper!" or "Dude! Do you remember that time we got stuck on the Ferris Wheel for like an hour and that guy next to us started freaking out?" Nothing. Every year is kind of the same. There are events going on, but nothing eventful happening, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I'm juat trying to convince myself that it's okay not to be there while everyone else is.
Well, I had something entirely different in mind for this entry, but this is the direction I went in. I originally wanted to talk about how today, just for a moment, I felt like I was in a movie. And so my title for this entry shall remain as it is. But perhaps I'll write on that topic some other time.
Peace and love, kittens.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Goodbye, Thursday (Hello, Thursday!)
This coming Thursday marks the last day of work for the summer, for me anyways. It will be a very rewarding day, for I'm tired of working at the tuxedo shop. After this Thursday, I will be done. Hopefully for good. I need to break away and start looking for work elsewhere, work that is more consistant and pays more, a place where I do not feel retarded (To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede; to be delayed) or incompetent like I do now. I would like to work at a daycare or something.
Also this Thursday, it is the last time I'll be going to youth group for the summer. I will miss my Meriden church family very much. On the upside, I'll be going back to see my Hartford family of Christians and art students and other friends.
This Thursday I say goodbye to work and to New Life Church youth group.
However, next Thursday is the day I am reunited with life at the University of Hartford! I will be moving in early to be a member of Howie's Helpers, the group that helps move the freshmen in. And I get a free T-shirt! Woot! And I can't wait to get back into the studio and start making art again! Hello, Thursday!
Peace and love!
Also this Thursday, it is the last time I'll be going to youth group for the summer. I will miss my Meriden church family very much. On the upside, I'll be going back to see my Hartford family of Christians and art students and other friends.
This Thursday I say goodbye to work and to New Life Church youth group.
However, next Thursday is the day I am reunited with life at the University of Hartford! I will be moving in early to be a member of Howie's Helpers, the group that helps move the freshmen in. And I get a free T-shirt! Woot! And I can't wait to get back into the studio and start making art again! Hello, Thursday!
Peace and love!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Up Above the World So High
To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Then one must think back to the varying events prior, which led up to that one special moment. Last night, Adam and I were taking a walk around my neighborhood, completely without any particular destination in mind. We came to a bit of a downhill shortly before we were to take the next left. The trees around us left open a large window to the starry night sky. I was gazing up at it occasionally. Adam was talking to me about something. I do not remember what about, for in that exact moment, as we neared the end of the street and my eyes drifted to the expanse above, a shooting star passed by. Adam saw it, too.
Now, this was no ordinary shooting star. This had been a massive ball of burning white light, followed by a blazing purple and blue streak of a tail. I do not know how far away it was or where it was headed, but as it hurled itself across the galaxy in an attempt to stay hidden from the sight of Earth's inhabitants, it let down its guard for just a moment. And in that moment we were able to catch a glimpse of its wondrous beauty. We were left standing in awe as it revealed itself to us for only half a second. That is how it came. That is how it went. There was no time in between for hello or goodbye. Just a shy wave before it saw us staring. And for a shooting star, I’ll bet, time slows down, and it can see all the going-ons below for what they are. And for that shooting star we saw, we had seen it for much too long, and it was embarrassed for having been so careless as to let itself be visible to humans. Of course, for us, we had only seen it for an instant.
But I think every shooting star is also secretly flattered when it realizes it has been seen by human eyes, for are the only creatures who can truly appreciate beauty, whether it is emotionally or intellectually. That shooting star last night must have seen the expression of awe on both our faces, and the few others who happened to be as lucky as we were, and felt delighted for receiving such complements from smiling human eyes. Anyways, whatever that shooting star was thinking, Adam and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, together. But like I said, to be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. This had been no coincidence.
Earlier that night, we had been hanging out at my house watching movies and the like. Suddenly, the content mood we had been in changed when Emily and her friends started having band practice. But it was not just the hard sound of the music or the harsh vocals alone that directed us into an uncomfortable vibe. There was too much going on. Our movie clashed with their playing, the house was cluttered with stuff, and above all, we had not spent much time with God. Adam was first to experience this negative energy and went outside to get away. I followed to make sure he was okay. Upon learning what was bothering him, I suggested we take a walk. He agreed.
It was chilly outside, but nice. I went inside to put on long sleeves and flip-flops. When I came back out, we prayed. We lifted up our troubles to God and asked for spiritual healing. What was to be a walk of escape, suddenly, became an enjoyable nighttime stroll. And so we meandered through the streets, conversing over various things, and providing each other with good company. Eventually, we ended up on a street that we don’t normally go down when we do go for walks, a street that I am not so familiar with. In some great way, God put it on our hearts to turn that way, and we did. And at the end of that street, passed the little downhill, is where we caught sight of a brilliant shooting star. The only time I ever saw one was so long ago that I couldn’t remember what they looked like in real life. I had to ask Adam what it was. He said it was the biggest shooting star he had ever seen, and that we’d probably never see one that big again. It was so big and so bright that our attention was immediately drawn to it, despite the fact that my eyes had been elsewhere in the sky, and that Adam hadn’t even been looking at the sky at all.
I must say this again. To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Praise God! How wonderfully and mysteriously He works! Amen!
Now, this was no ordinary shooting star. This had been a massive ball of burning white light, followed by a blazing purple and blue streak of a tail. I do not know how far away it was or where it was headed, but as it hurled itself across the galaxy in an attempt to stay hidden from the sight of Earth's inhabitants, it let down its guard for just a moment. And in that moment we were able to catch a glimpse of its wondrous beauty. We were left standing in awe as it revealed itself to us for only half a second. That is how it came. That is how it went. There was no time in between for hello or goodbye. Just a shy wave before it saw us staring. And for a shooting star, I’ll bet, time slows down, and it can see all the going-ons below for what they are. And for that shooting star we saw, we had seen it for much too long, and it was embarrassed for having been so careless as to let itself be visible to humans. Of course, for us, we had only seen it for an instant.
But I think every shooting star is also secretly flattered when it realizes it has been seen by human eyes, for are the only creatures who can truly appreciate beauty, whether it is emotionally or intellectually. That shooting star last night must have seen the expression of awe on both our faces, and the few others who happened to be as lucky as we were, and felt delighted for receiving such complements from smiling human eyes. Anyways, whatever that shooting star was thinking, Adam and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, together. But like I said, to be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. This had been no coincidence.
Earlier that night, we had been hanging out at my house watching movies and the like. Suddenly, the content mood we had been in changed when Emily and her friends started having band practice. But it was not just the hard sound of the music or the harsh vocals alone that directed us into an uncomfortable vibe. There was too much going on. Our movie clashed with their playing, the house was cluttered with stuff, and above all, we had not spent much time with God. Adam was first to experience this negative energy and went outside to get away. I followed to make sure he was okay. Upon learning what was bothering him, I suggested we take a walk. He agreed.
It was chilly outside, but nice. I went inside to put on long sleeves and flip-flops. When I came back out, we prayed. We lifted up our troubles to God and asked for spiritual healing. What was to be a walk of escape, suddenly, became an enjoyable nighttime stroll. And so we meandered through the streets, conversing over various things, and providing each other with good company. Eventually, we ended up on a street that we don’t normally go down when we do go for walks, a street that I am not so familiar with. In some great way, God put it on our hearts to turn that way, and we did. And at the end of that street, passed the little downhill, is where we caught sight of a brilliant shooting star. The only time I ever saw one was so long ago that I couldn’t remember what they looked like in real life. I had to ask Adam what it was. He said it was the biggest shooting star he had ever seen, and that we’d probably never see one that big again. It was so big and so bright that our attention was immediately drawn to it, despite the fact that my eyes had been elsewhere in the sky, and that Adam hadn’t even been looking at the sky at all.
I must say this again. To be in a specific place at an unplanned time, and see something so rare that only a handful of people on this side of the globe would see it, is a miracle in itself. Praise God! How wonderfully and mysteriously He works! Amen!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I guess I was in a writing mood...
(Yes, I was in a writing mood when I wrote this entry. There was actually a whole first section that would have been fine as its own entry. There was about five pages worth here before I stopped myself and got to bed at four in the morning. This morning I decided I didn't want the world to hear me venting for three pages. And as much as this blog is meant for me to get things out, I felt it would be better to take it down. Because I've gotten it out now. It was a way for me to vent to myself, and now that I think about it, I'd rather not share it publicly. But I have not deleted it entirely. As of this morning, it is stored away as a draft in my blog, entitled "The Lost Entry (Never to have eyes lay upon it again)." So when you look at this entry in length, double it in your mind and you've got the length of the original entry. Yeah, I guess I was in a writing mood.)
Here's the second part...
Time with God (Halleluiah!)
Even though I had a rough time at work, God got me through it. I asked Him to put forgiveness in my heart so that I could continue working with Eileen. She’s not a bad person, really. She just drives me nuts sometimes. So God took as much anger out of my heart as my faith would allow Him to. And little did I know that someone else was praying for me while I was at work. I think it helped a lot. It must have, because I got through the work day without totally freaking out on someone or crying.
Then I went to youth group after work. We had a much needed, unprepared night of open and private prayer. After amazing time in worship, instead of going into his topic for the night, Pastor Rob sensed that a lot of us had to come before God with certain things that were on our hearts. So for a while, Mariah just played music and we all sat in silence, lifting up our hearts to the Lord. It was awesome! I had so much I wanted to thank God for, and so much to lay before Him. I thanked Him for His great mercy and wonderful grace. I thanked Him for being so faithful to me in my life, even when I felt so unworthy of His love. I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit that I just cried. Even during worship, tears trickled down my face as we sang words that asked God to let us be a seeking generation.
And as I thought about this generation, my heart went out to those who are in distress, who don’t know God at all. They are broken and lost, hurt and abandoned. They go through addictions of the flesh everyday. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the outer image. There are girls starving themselves so they might look like those models on TV, in magazines, and everywhere else. Some girls cover their faces with tons of make up, some do a hundred sit-ups a day, some hide in the shadows so as not to be seen at all. Some teens have had so much sex that they don’t know what real love is supposed to be. Physical pleasure becomes a quick fix from a world that scares them, and they cling to the feel-good that takes them away from it, if only for a moment. Teenage pregnancy is on the rise, as well as abortion. Not only is abortion wrong, but what a girl's body goes through during those procedures can be permanently damaging. Sometimes girls are never able to bear children again. There are kids who come from broken homes, abusive relationships with family or girlfriends/boyfriends. Sometimes physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse. There is divorce tearing families apart. I don’t care how old you are if you go through it. Divorce sucks no matter what. There are people out there with no homes, no family, no friends. Some of them are hooked so bad on drugs or alcohol that they have no hope. They are dead inside. They can’t even look up at a beautiful, clear night sky blanketed with stars, and feel alive! The beauty all around them in nature doesn’t mean anything if they’re not drugged up. I know people like this. Some people have everything, others have nothing, and neither party is satisfied. They are depressed, feeling worthless or ugly, abandoned, and without hope.
My heart goes out to them so much. I may not have experienced all those things, but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. With pressure at school, a fear of going home, and the thought that I was unable to be truly loved by anyone, I fell into a state of depression in my sophomore year. I just felt tired all the time, saddened by the amount of work in school. Junior year I still felt ugly, even when a boy asked me out and I started getting in shape with sports. I felt better, but was still on the edge of a break down as home life got worse with my mom and dad fighting all the time. There was so much more that happened, but it is difficult to go into detail. Some of my best friends from middle school and early high school ended up getting involved with the wrong people. Their stories are not happy ones. Luckily, God blessed me with good morals and a good family to teach me right from wrong. I still messed up though. I disconnected myself from God so that I wouldn’t feel guilty crossing my boundaries, but I felt horrible anyways. There were times when I thought about what suicide was like, and that it might be nice if I could just get rid of all the pressures by leaving this world entirely. I never once acted on those thoughts. Deep down I knew I was better than that. And I would be letting a lot of people down if I left.
Anyways, I have been there, in a place I never want to revisit. Jesus Christ died so that I could live. And He didn’t die for just me, but for every soul on this planet. He is rebuilding me a little at a time, showing me how to live for Him, and by doing so I am becoming more comfortable with myself. And I think He is calling me to do great things. I just don’t know what yet. But to live the life I once did, which is a life without God, is to live a life of death and sorrow. I was never truly happy. Now I am full of joy when I hear the testimonies of others and how God changed their lives for the better. And I cry so deeply when I think of how many people are suffering and hating life. But if you are some one who is angry and lost, and happen to read this, I urge you strongly to give God a chance. Do not believe the lies about God being evil or out to hurt your heart. Those are Satan’s tricks. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants you to blame all your misery on God, when God is the one who is fighting for your soul day and night! The evil one tries to turn all good things to bad. So again, I encourage you to give God a chance, and if you are left disappointed, then by all means go back to where you were before. But I can promise that if you open your heart to Him, you will learn to trust Him, and He will not let you down. He does not want you to suffer. He loves you with all of His heart. He is the Creator of all things and He created you, too. The Lord knows you, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the His Holy hands. God made us in His own image. He is beautiful, and so are we because we bear His image. He does not make mistakes, and so you are not a mistake. He loves every one of His creations. It is the evil inside of us that He wages war against. He is fighting for us, fighting against that which dwells inside us and makes us feel ugly or weak or worthless. I praise the glorious name of God because He is the one who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that I could escape the horrid downward spiral I was in. Now I am blessed with more than I could hope for! Thanks be to God! Amen!
Here's the second part...
Time with God (Halleluiah!)
Even though I had a rough time at work, God got me through it. I asked Him to put forgiveness in my heart so that I could continue working with Eileen. She’s not a bad person, really. She just drives me nuts sometimes. So God took as much anger out of my heart as my faith would allow Him to. And little did I know that someone else was praying for me while I was at work. I think it helped a lot. It must have, because I got through the work day without totally freaking out on someone or crying.
Then I went to youth group after work. We had a much needed, unprepared night of open and private prayer. After amazing time in worship, instead of going into his topic for the night, Pastor Rob sensed that a lot of us had to come before God with certain things that were on our hearts. So for a while, Mariah just played music and we all sat in silence, lifting up our hearts to the Lord. It was awesome! I had so much I wanted to thank God for, and so much to lay before Him. I thanked Him for His great mercy and wonderful grace. I thanked Him for being so faithful to me in my life, even when I felt so unworthy of His love. I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit that I just cried. Even during worship, tears trickled down my face as we sang words that asked God to let us be a seeking generation.
And as I thought about this generation, my heart went out to those who are in distress, who don’t know God at all. They are broken and lost, hurt and abandoned. They go through addictions of the flesh everyday. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the outer image. There are girls starving themselves so they might look like those models on TV, in magazines, and everywhere else. Some girls cover their faces with tons of make up, some do a hundred sit-ups a day, some hide in the shadows so as not to be seen at all. Some teens have had so much sex that they don’t know what real love is supposed to be. Physical pleasure becomes a quick fix from a world that scares them, and they cling to the feel-good that takes them away from it, if only for a moment. Teenage pregnancy is on the rise, as well as abortion. Not only is abortion wrong, but what a girl's body goes through during those procedures can be permanently damaging. Sometimes girls are never able to bear children again. There are kids who come from broken homes, abusive relationships with family or girlfriends/boyfriends. Sometimes physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse. There is divorce tearing families apart. I don’t care how old you are if you go through it. Divorce sucks no matter what. There are people out there with no homes, no family, no friends. Some of them are hooked so bad on drugs or alcohol that they have no hope. They are dead inside. They can’t even look up at a beautiful, clear night sky blanketed with stars, and feel alive! The beauty all around them in nature doesn’t mean anything if they’re not drugged up. I know people like this. Some people have everything, others have nothing, and neither party is satisfied. They are depressed, feeling worthless or ugly, abandoned, and without hope.
My heart goes out to them so much. I may not have experienced all those things, but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. With pressure at school, a fear of going home, and the thought that I was unable to be truly loved by anyone, I fell into a state of depression in my sophomore year. I just felt tired all the time, saddened by the amount of work in school. Junior year I still felt ugly, even when a boy asked me out and I started getting in shape with sports. I felt better, but was still on the edge of a break down as home life got worse with my mom and dad fighting all the time. There was so much more that happened, but it is difficult to go into detail. Some of my best friends from middle school and early high school ended up getting involved with the wrong people. Their stories are not happy ones. Luckily, God blessed me with good morals and a good family to teach me right from wrong. I still messed up though. I disconnected myself from God so that I wouldn’t feel guilty crossing my boundaries, but I felt horrible anyways. There were times when I thought about what suicide was like, and that it might be nice if I could just get rid of all the pressures by leaving this world entirely. I never once acted on those thoughts. Deep down I knew I was better than that. And I would be letting a lot of people down if I left.
Anyways, I have been there, in a place I never want to revisit. Jesus Christ died so that I could live. And He didn’t die for just me, but for every soul on this planet. He is rebuilding me a little at a time, showing me how to live for Him, and by doing so I am becoming more comfortable with myself. And I think He is calling me to do great things. I just don’t know what yet. But to live the life I once did, which is a life without God, is to live a life of death and sorrow. I was never truly happy. Now I am full of joy when I hear the testimonies of others and how God changed their lives for the better. And I cry so deeply when I think of how many people are suffering and hating life. But if you are some one who is angry and lost, and happen to read this, I urge you strongly to give God a chance. Do not believe the lies about God being evil or out to hurt your heart. Those are Satan’s tricks. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants you to blame all your misery on God, when God is the one who is fighting for your soul day and night! The evil one tries to turn all good things to bad. So again, I encourage you to give God a chance, and if you are left disappointed, then by all means go back to where you were before. But I can promise that if you open your heart to Him, you will learn to trust Him, and He will not let you down. He does not want you to suffer. He loves you with all of His heart. He is the Creator of all things and He created you, too. The Lord knows you, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the His Holy hands. God made us in His own image. He is beautiful, and so are we because we bear His image. He does not make mistakes, and so you are not a mistake. He loves every one of His creations. It is the evil inside of us that He wages war against. He is fighting for us, fighting against that which dwells inside us and makes us feel ugly or weak or worthless. I praise the glorious name of God because He is the one who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that I could escape the horrid downward spiral I was in. Now I am blessed with more than I could hope for! Thanks be to God! Amen!
Monday, August 07, 2006
What does it all mean...in a dream?
I've been having some strange dreams lately. Last night I had several, but by now I've forgotten most of them. One consisted of a girl from my high school coming to me in tears. She was going through something and somehow knew I was a Christian. She said she had really been thinking about heaven and hell and how she was so scared of going to hell. Then she asked me for help and so I began to try sharing my faith with her and help get her on the right track to Jesus Christ. But I didn't feel confident enough that I was telling her the right things. It was very emotional. In the dream, I invited her to go with me to youth group or celebrate recovery or some kind of small group thing at my church. I told her I would call her. The details of it are fuzzy, but it left me feeling very sad and happy at the same time. I was happy that she was seeking and that she came to me for help. But I was sad because I felt like my words were letting her down and I would be responsible for the loss of her soul if she decided to stop seeking. When I woke up, I just wondered how she was doing in real life. I want to call her. I should call her. But then that human fear inside gets to me and I don't want to sound like a wierdo calling her in the middle of the summer, telling her I had a dream about her. But what if God is telling me something. Maybe she's in trouble, or in some kind of distress. I don't know...
Then there was a dream involving my two friends, Chris and Caitlin (They are together in real life). Chris and I were bringing Caitlin to work in her car. I was sitting in front with them. I was In the middle, with Chris on my right and Cait driving on my left. I was holding their hands (Chris' left, Cait's right so she could still drive). We passed by a playground on the way. I got excited and asked if we could go. We decided that Chris would bring me on the way back, after dropping Caitlin off at work. She seemed a little unsure about me hanging out with her boyfriend without her around, which is strange, because normally Cait knows that we're just friends. And Chris would never do anything with another girl, because that's what kind of person he is, loyal and dedicated to his friends. And of course, I'm with someone, too, so I wouldn't do anything. Just a crazy dream about me wanting to go play on the playground and dragging Chris along with me. Unfortunately, the dream ended before I got a chance to play on it. Awe... and it looked like so much fun!
Another dream I had was about a single moment in my future, an event that I long for. As much as I want to write about it, I'm not sure that I should. Not here anyways. It's one of those *blah! snatch! gulp!* things, I guess. Of course, none of you who read this will understand what I mean, save one person. But it's okay. I just need to wait and see what my Creator has in store for me. I can't rely on my dreams to tell me what's going to happen. Maybe they are messages from God. Maybe they are just thoughts of my own, being spewed out all at once in a twisted, subconcious version of things I want to accomplish or experience. I really don't know.
*sigh* It's getting harder...
Then there was a dream involving my two friends, Chris and Caitlin (They are together in real life). Chris and I were bringing Caitlin to work in her car. I was sitting in front with them. I was In the middle, with Chris on my right and Cait driving on my left. I was holding their hands (Chris' left, Cait's right so she could still drive). We passed by a playground on the way. I got excited and asked if we could go. We decided that Chris would bring me on the way back, after dropping Caitlin off at work. She seemed a little unsure about me hanging out with her boyfriend without her around, which is strange, because normally Cait knows that we're just friends. And Chris would never do anything with another girl, because that's what kind of person he is, loyal and dedicated to his friends. And of course, I'm with someone, too, so I wouldn't do anything. Just a crazy dream about me wanting to go play on the playground and dragging Chris along with me. Unfortunately, the dream ended before I got a chance to play on it. Awe... and it looked like so much fun!
Another dream I had was about a single moment in my future, an event that I long for. As much as I want to write about it, I'm not sure that I should. Not here anyways. It's one of those *blah! snatch! gulp!* things, I guess. Of course, none of you who read this will understand what I mean, save one person. But it's okay. I just need to wait and see what my Creator has in store for me. I can't rely on my dreams to tell me what's going to happen. Maybe they are messages from God. Maybe they are just thoughts of my own, being spewed out all at once in a twisted, subconcious version of things I want to accomplish or experience. I really don't know.
*sigh* It's getting harder...
Friday, August 04, 2006
PMS (male reader discretion is advised)
Listening to "I Celebrate the Day" by Relient K. It's more of a Christmas song, but the lyrics are really cool and the music is pretty. Ah... This is a good song, too! Now it's "Mirror" by Barlow Girl. Anyways...
It's a rarity for me to be in a truly bad mood because of my period, but for some reason PMS was served on a massive silver platter and shoved in my face. Everything has been getting to me. I mean there are many good things that are keeping me from totally breaking down, so I am grateful. I just worry about those around me who get caught in the way of my menstrally fed attitude. I try to fight it as best I can, but sometimes the littlest thing will dwell in my mind and bring me down. Bad cramps alone can just set off the beginning of a bad mood. And they remind me how much pain I'm going to have to endure when I have kids. Of course, menstral cramps, I'm sure, are only an extremely subdued version of what the true experience of giving birth feels like. Or so I've heard.
I remember seeing a female comedian on TV once, who was also a mother. She explained that someone asked her if the pain of giving birth was like really, really, really, really, really bad cramps. Laughing, she replied with something like, "Oh no, grasshopper. Nooo..." And I think most of the people in the audience laughing were women. The men can't really relate because they don't even experience cramps. At least women who haven't yet given birth at least have an idea where that inquiring girl was coming from.
I, for one, HATE getting my period. Sure, I've learned to deal with it. But I just can't stand the annoying things that come with it. Now, I know every woman is a little different, so I'm speaking for myself, but I also I'm not alone on any of these frustrations. There are cramps that are sometimes so bad that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and breath, try not to fall to the floor in pain. There have even been rare times when I couldn't even get out of bed the next morning because my cramps made me feel like I would throw up or faint if I got up. When I first started getting my period really heavy, I felt light-headed a lot. That still happens once in a while. Other things that come with my period is acne, bloating, and a foolishly strong craving for chocolate. So when I start getting more pimples than usual and want every meal to consist of chocolate, I know that bloating and cramps are soon to come, if they haven't already. And of course, there is absolutely no control over the start or stop of the flow of menstral fluids. We are left to deal with that mess however we can, anything to prevent blood from leaking onto the seat of our pants and skirts, or on the sheets of our beds. Some options are pads, tampons, or both. I'll be honest, I have to use both. Pads leave you feeling costantsly wet and gross. Tampons help you stay a little more comfortable and dry. But when the tampon is full and you've lost track of how long it's been in, it's nice to have a pad to catch the extra blood and keep your underwear safe.
As much as I hate my period, can honestly say I'm glad I don't have to live with the fear of getting kicked or hit in the balls... because I am, in fact, a woman. I lack testicles and a penis, and I guess I'd rather get my period once a month than have that stuff hanging between my legs all the time. And this is not to bad mouth men and what they were born with. They, too, have learned to deal with it, just as we have learned to deal with our periods. So I guess we're sort of even up until women have to give birth.
Yea... I'm distracted at the moment. I'm watching movie previews with Adam and my sisters. have fun kids!
It's a rarity for me to be in a truly bad mood because of my period, but for some reason PMS was served on a massive silver platter and shoved in my face. Everything has been getting to me. I mean there are many good things that are keeping me from totally breaking down, so I am grateful. I just worry about those around me who get caught in the way of my menstrally fed attitude. I try to fight it as best I can, but sometimes the littlest thing will dwell in my mind and bring me down. Bad cramps alone can just set off the beginning of a bad mood. And they remind me how much pain I'm going to have to endure when I have kids. Of course, menstral cramps, I'm sure, are only an extremely subdued version of what the true experience of giving birth feels like. Or so I've heard.
I remember seeing a female comedian on TV once, who was also a mother. She explained that someone asked her if the pain of giving birth was like really, really, really, really, really bad cramps. Laughing, she replied with something like, "Oh no, grasshopper. Nooo..." And I think most of the people in the audience laughing were women. The men can't really relate because they don't even experience cramps. At least women who haven't yet given birth at least have an idea where that inquiring girl was coming from.
I, for one, HATE getting my period. Sure, I've learned to deal with it. But I just can't stand the annoying things that come with it. Now, I know every woman is a little different, so I'm speaking for myself, but I also I'm not alone on any of these frustrations. There are cramps that are sometimes so bad that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and breath, try not to fall to the floor in pain. There have even been rare times when I couldn't even get out of bed the next morning because my cramps made me feel like I would throw up or faint if I got up. When I first started getting my period really heavy, I felt light-headed a lot. That still happens once in a while. Other things that come with my period is acne, bloating, and a foolishly strong craving for chocolate. So when I start getting more pimples than usual and want every meal to consist of chocolate, I know that bloating and cramps are soon to come, if they haven't already. And of course, there is absolutely no control over the start or stop of the flow of menstral fluids. We are left to deal with that mess however we can, anything to prevent blood from leaking onto the seat of our pants and skirts, or on the sheets of our beds. Some options are pads, tampons, or both. I'll be honest, I have to use both. Pads leave you feeling costantsly wet and gross. Tampons help you stay a little more comfortable and dry. But when the tampon is full and you've lost track of how long it's been in, it's nice to have a pad to catch the extra blood and keep your underwear safe.
As much as I hate my period, can honestly say I'm glad I don't have to live with the fear of getting kicked or hit in the balls... because I am, in fact, a woman. I lack testicles and a penis, and I guess I'd rather get my period once a month than have that stuff hanging between my legs all the time. And this is not to bad mouth men and what they were born with. They, too, have learned to deal with it, just as we have learned to deal with our periods. So I guess we're sort of even up until women have to give birth.
Yea... I'm distracted at the moment. I'm watching movie previews with Adam and my sisters. have fun kids!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
A Nice Little Dream With A Dissapointing Morning
I dreamt last night that the five dollar bill that I had in my wallet yesterday somehow turned into a five and two twenties. That was it. Then I woke up this morning to the realization that I only have four singles in my wallet. Awe...
But then again... today is payday. Woot! So I'm not really dissapointed like it says in the title. God has given me this day for something. Maybe the dream was His way of telling me not to be discouraged about not having a lot of money and that He will provide for me. Ahhh... What a God I have!
But then again... today is payday. Woot! So I'm not really dissapointed like it says in the title. God has given me this day for something. Maybe the dream was His way of telling me not to be discouraged about not having a lot of money and that He will provide for me. Ahhh... What a God I have!
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Things That Sting (But Kids Are People, Too)
Owwwwwwwww!!!!!!
It's ridiculous how long the pain of a bee sting lasts. I got stung right before leaving work tonight. That was about twenty minutes ago. As I type this, I can still feel the fading pinchy feeling of the venom in my arm. It had been a while since I've been stung by anything. Luckily, I'm not allergic, but my boss is. She was with me when it happened so I'm just thankful that it happened to me and not to her. I don't think I'd be able to handle [OW! OW! OW! SUPER STINGY FEELING!!! ...that happens every now and again just sitting here. I wonder if the act of typing makes it worse... OWWWIE OWWIE OW!] driving her to the hospital in a calm and safe manner. She'd be screaming, and I'd be in a panic trying to remember where the heck the hospital is. Then we'd get there and I wouldn't know where to park or where to go.
Some of you are probably wondering why she doesn't have an EpiPen. Well, she told me today that she hasn't been to a doctor in a long time... like thirty years! Seriously! Eileen has to be sixty-something years old. She's a cute little Catholic woman, and when she feels some kind of pain in her body or starts feeling sick (which isn't often), she prays over it. One time she had a pain in her chest for a few days. I told her that if it was still there in the next few days, she should she a doctor. She said she didn't like going to the doctor. Then she just spent the next couple days praying over it and it went away. I trust God but I do worry about her, not just because she's my boss (and some people actually hate their employers) but because she's a person. She is good to me... though I think I get on her nerves when I do things wrong. Anyways...
Tonight we were getting ready to leave the store, door locked, certain things left to be finished tomorrow. All we had left to do was take the trash out. We were standing outside the back door right next to the dumpster, breaking up boxes. I tossed in one box and waited for Eileen to finish hers so I could toss them in, too. All of a sudden, I felt a hard pinch on my left arm. Bewildered, I let out a loud gasp, followed by something like, "OOOOWWWWW!!!" I ran away from the dumpster and looked back at it to see a large, skinny black insect with long wings. I can't say exactly what it was. A hornet? A wasp? I don't know. Whatever it was, it freakin' HURT! [It is now about an hour and ten minutes since I got stung, and the stupid thing still hurts.] Eileen was yelling, "What happened? What was it?" and the like. Upon realizing what had happened, she told me to make sure the stinger was out, but it hadn't been there to begin with. Then she told me about her bee alergy, and so I had her get away from the dumpster and go back into the doorway, allowing me to throw the rest of the trash in with her in safety.
Another Funny Thing About Eileen...
Eileen can be a really nice lady most of the time. I mean, it took me a long time to get used to her. Even now I sometimes don't get her, but for the most part, I like her and learn interesting things from her. Anyways, earlier today before the bee incident, a mother and her kid came into the store. They had been in the week before so she could try on her dress. She tries it on again today. Her son, whose name today I learned is Zackerie (sp?), came in with a smile and a gameboy just like the last time. I was steaming a huge wedding gown (what a challenge that was!) and he came over and started talking to me. We shared a little convorsation about what game he was playing. He wanted to know what Mario-based games I had played, what systems, etc. I offered what I could. All the while his mother was in the dressing room. Zack was well-behaved and sat on the step ladder patiently. When he didn't feel like sitting on it anymore, he sat on the floor. In my eyes he was too close to the steamer, so I asked him to move away from it and he did. (He's about five years old.) He was so cute. He didn't touch anything in the store, he wasn't rude, and he wasn't disobedient. Not really. He kind of did his own thing, but with an innocent, nieve understanding. He was so CUTE!!! I told his mother that her son was a little cutie. She didn't respond much. She seemed drained, but I could see how a talkative, energetic kid like him could drive a mom nuts. But even so, while he was in the shop I saw no signs of a bad upbringing. Zack's mom told him it was time to go, he said "one minute" as he finished something on his game, and a second later he was following her out.
Eileen started to head to the back room. I mentioned to her what a cute kid he was, but all I got was a roll of the eyes and a "I hate kids" with sort of a chuckle to follow. She says that once in a while, and every time I respond the same way. "Oh, Eileen..." laughing. "No you don't." Or sometime just, "You don't hate kids..." And she'll laugh and say "Nooo... I don't." Most of the time I think she's joking (and maybe she does say it just to be funny), but after today I'm not so sure. The previously mentioned order of events happened as normal, with me insisting she didn't hate kids, only this time, she walked away to the back with a laugh, not saying anything. And quietly she said, "Yes I do." What's stranger is the soft-spoken, little ol' lady voice she had when she said it.
I dunno... I'm beginning to think she really does hate kids. Oh, Eileen...
It's ridiculous how long the pain of a bee sting lasts. I got stung right before leaving work tonight. That was about twenty minutes ago. As I type this, I can still feel the fading pinchy feeling of the venom in my arm. It had been a while since I've been stung by anything. Luckily, I'm not allergic, but my boss is. She was with me when it happened so I'm just thankful that it happened to me and not to her. I don't think I'd be able to handle [OW! OW! OW! SUPER STINGY FEELING!!! ...that happens every now and again just sitting here. I wonder if the act of typing makes it worse... OWWWIE OWWIE OW!] driving her to the hospital in a calm and safe manner. She'd be screaming, and I'd be in a panic trying to remember where the heck the hospital is. Then we'd get there and I wouldn't know where to park or where to go.
Some of you are probably wondering why she doesn't have an EpiPen. Well, she told me today that she hasn't been to a doctor in a long time... like thirty years! Seriously! Eileen has to be sixty-something years old. She's a cute little Catholic woman, and when she feels some kind of pain in her body or starts feeling sick (which isn't often), she prays over it. One time she had a pain in her chest for a few days. I told her that if it was still there in the next few days, she should she a doctor. She said she didn't like going to the doctor. Then she just spent the next couple days praying over it and it went away. I trust God but I do worry about her, not just because she's my boss (and some people actually hate their employers) but because she's a person. She is good to me... though I think I get on her nerves when I do things wrong. Anyways...
Tonight we were getting ready to leave the store, door locked, certain things left to be finished tomorrow. All we had left to do was take the trash out. We were standing outside the back door right next to the dumpster, breaking up boxes. I tossed in one box and waited for Eileen to finish hers so I could toss them in, too. All of a sudden, I felt a hard pinch on my left arm. Bewildered, I let out a loud gasp, followed by something like, "OOOOWWWWW!!!" I ran away from the dumpster and looked back at it to see a large, skinny black insect with long wings. I can't say exactly what it was. A hornet? A wasp? I don't know. Whatever it was, it freakin' HURT! [It is now about an hour and ten minutes since I got stung, and the stupid thing still hurts.] Eileen was yelling, "What happened? What was it?" and the like. Upon realizing what had happened, she told me to make sure the stinger was out, but it hadn't been there to begin with. Then she told me about her bee alergy, and so I had her get away from the dumpster and go back into the doorway, allowing me to throw the rest of the trash in with her in safety.
Another Funny Thing About Eileen...
Eileen can be a really nice lady most of the time. I mean, it took me a long time to get used to her. Even now I sometimes don't get her, but for the most part, I like her and learn interesting things from her. Anyways, earlier today before the bee incident, a mother and her kid came into the store. They had been in the week before so she could try on her dress. She tries it on again today. Her son, whose name today I learned is Zackerie (sp?), came in with a smile and a gameboy just like the last time. I was steaming a huge wedding gown (what a challenge that was!) and he came over and started talking to me. We shared a little convorsation about what game he was playing. He wanted to know what Mario-based games I had played, what systems, etc. I offered what I could. All the while his mother was in the dressing room. Zack was well-behaved and sat on the step ladder patiently. When he didn't feel like sitting on it anymore, he sat on the floor. In my eyes he was too close to the steamer, so I asked him to move away from it and he did. (He's about five years old.) He was so cute. He didn't touch anything in the store, he wasn't rude, and he wasn't disobedient. Not really. He kind of did his own thing, but with an innocent, nieve understanding. He was so CUTE!!! I told his mother that her son was a little cutie. She didn't respond much. She seemed drained, but I could see how a talkative, energetic kid like him could drive a mom nuts. But even so, while he was in the shop I saw no signs of a bad upbringing. Zack's mom told him it was time to go, he said "one minute" as he finished something on his game, and a second later he was following her out.
Eileen started to head to the back room. I mentioned to her what a cute kid he was, but all I got was a roll of the eyes and a "I hate kids" with sort of a chuckle to follow. She says that once in a while, and every time I respond the same way. "Oh, Eileen..." laughing. "No you don't." Or sometime just, "You don't hate kids..." And she'll laugh and say "Nooo... I don't." Most of the time I think she's joking (and maybe she does say it just to be funny), but after today I'm not so sure. The previously mentioned order of events happened as normal, with me insisting she didn't hate kids, only this time, she walked away to the back with a laugh, not saying anything. And quietly she said, "Yes I do." What's stranger is the soft-spoken, little ol' lady voice she had when she said it.
I dunno... I'm beginning to think she really does hate kids. Oh, Eileen...
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