Life is difficult, overwhelming, draining, almost impossible to get through at times... But there is a way, and His name is Jesus Christ. He is the Lord, He is the Savior of souls, He is a friend, and He is my everything! I wish more people would give Him a chance to change their lives. If they are willing to try a hundred different diets, looking for a better way to live or lose weight, why not add Jesus to the list. He does not disappoint, for true hope is not left dry in the end.
I love You, Father. I thought You should know. I will remind you again tomorrow how Awesome You are. Thank you for holding my hand when I needed it the most.
John 14:6- Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
I love you all, even if I don't see eye to eye with you. And I'm sorry for all those times I hurt anyone. But I am growing, coming away from such things if God will allow me to do so. In time I know He will. It is up to me to make a conscious effort.
Peace and love kids.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Pre-Joy Ride
My dad and I went to visit my Great Uncle Henry (aka Uncle Hank). He has cancer. He came home from the hospital last week, and they don’t think he has much longer to live. My dad and I took separate cars because my dad had to be somewhere after, and I just felt like driving around. So we got to the house (not too far from my own) and were greeted by Auntie Joan’s sister (Auntie Joan being Uncle Hank’s wife). I don’t remember her name, but she was very friendly. When I saw Uncle Hank in his chair in the living room, I couldn’t even tell he was ill by looking at him. He was thin as usual, and pale. But he had a delighted expression when we came into the room. He stood up to greet us even, but my father told him to sit down. He did, but you would never have guessed this man was dying.Perhaps he was content with his time on the earth and was ready to leave. I wasn’t sure how he felt and didn’t ask.
I sat on the couch and talked to the sister about surface topics mostly, where I was going to school, my intended major, etc. I had never met herbefore, and she didn’t remember me either. Then my dad asked me when I was going to the picnic the following day. I told him I would head over after church. The sister’s ears perked up when she heard me say this and asked where I went to church and how I came to it. I gave a brief storyabout how I used to be Catholic and stuff, and how I was re-baptized atNew Life, accepting Jesus for real. Then she said something like, “You know, as soon as I opened that door and saw you, I knew you were abeliever. I know I’ve never met you before, but I could just tell. There was something different about you.” Something like that anyways. But it was so cool of her to say that! Then we started talking more about our faith and how awesome God is. She told me about how she has a sense for knowing which people are true believers, complete strangers even. She said that she was waiting in an airport once and just happened to notice a few people who carried themselves differently, I guess. She went up to them and asked if they were believers and they were! Then they all hugged each other and everything! It was refreshing to learn that she was so close to the Lord and had also been Catholic at an earlier time in her life, just like me. I also learned from her that my aunt and uncle were believers. I then understood the reason forUncle Hank’s complete look of contentment (or so it was in my mind). He must be prepared spiritually for his journey home, home to his Father in Heaven.
I couldn't help but smile for the visit. As a left to go on my little night time joy ride, I started laughing with joy, almost in tears. It was quite overwhelming. Then I went to the high school and walked about a mile on the track, a prayer walk maybe. And the stars were shining in the chilly clear sky. It was a wonderful night.
I sat on the couch and talked to the sister about surface topics mostly, where I was going to school, my intended major, etc. I had never met herbefore, and she didn’t remember me either. Then my dad asked me when I was going to the picnic the following day. I told him I would head over after church. The sister’s ears perked up when she heard me say this and asked where I went to church and how I came to it. I gave a brief storyabout how I used to be Catholic and stuff, and how I was re-baptized atNew Life, accepting Jesus for real. Then she said something like, “You know, as soon as I opened that door and saw you, I knew you were abeliever. I know I’ve never met you before, but I could just tell. There was something different about you.” Something like that anyways. But it was so cool of her to say that! Then we started talking more about our faith and how awesome God is. She told me about how she has a sense for knowing which people are true believers, complete strangers even. She said that she was waiting in an airport once and just happened to notice a few people who carried themselves differently, I guess. She went up to them and asked if they were believers and they were! Then they all hugged each other and everything! It was refreshing to learn that she was so close to the Lord and had also been Catholic at an earlier time in her life, just like me. I also learned from her that my aunt and uncle were believers. I then understood the reason forUncle Hank’s complete look of contentment (or so it was in my mind). He must be prepared spiritually for his journey home, home to his Father in Heaven.
I couldn't help but smile for the visit. As a left to go on my little night time joy ride, I started laughing with joy, almost in tears. It was quite overwhelming. Then I went to the high school and walked about a mile on the track, a prayer walk maybe. And the stars were shining in the chilly clear sky. It was a wonderful night.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
I went running yesterday and everything!
WHAT THE HECK?! Yesterday I woke up at 6:30AM afeter going to bed at about midnight. Last night I went to bed about the same time and even read for a while. This morning I woke up at 5:30AM!!! And for some reason I've been unable to fall back to sleep. And it's not like I don't need the sleep because... I definitely do. So again I say,"WHAT THE HECK?!"
Right now it's 6:09AM. Just thought you'd all like to know.
Right now it's 6:09AM. Just thought you'd all like to know.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Gonna Be A Ninja...
It's amazing how inspired you can be spending only three hours outside on a beautiful day. Okay, so I'm back in front of the computer rather than staying outside, but I just had so many wonderful thoughts that I thought I'd record a few. Wow! So much to write about in one day! But I’m sure I will be distracted by many things before I actually finish getting it all down, such as playing with my dog, eating, or answering the phone.
I began my afternoon (once I got off the computer at about 12:30 that is) by heading out for a warm up run, planning to stretch afterward and then going for the actual workout run. It went okay, considering I hadn't run since high school, except for one time with Chelsea and Hannah during the first semester at Uha. So I'm out of shape, but it felt good to get outside and sweat a little. The wind pushed against me from different angles every now and then. That felt good, too. A random headache made its presence known toward the end of my run, and my shoes had both become untied even after double knotting them. I don't really remember specifically what my thoughts were during the run, but that's okay. It wasn't until after I got back to the house that I had my inspired thoughts.
The Sky Alone Brings Glory to the Lord Who Created It
I headed to the backyard for my post-warm-up stretching. The grass was very cushiony and inviting. I started with the stretches you stand up for, then sat down to do other kinds of stretching. I was exhausted, and so I ended up falling asleep right there in the yard. I was gently awakened by my sister, Kaylee, who had just gotten back from school. She asked if I had called my dad, which I had earlier. She went back inside. I lied there still, looking up at a very blue sky with large, fluffy patches of cumulus clouds swimming across the sky at various heights, occasionally crossing paths. With the grandeur of the sky above me and the sun on my face, with my hands folded over my eyes, palms facing outward, I couldn't help but be in wonder at the presence of the Almighty creator of the world. I considered the scientific theories I had heard about how the world was created, from the "big bang" to the dust cloud theory, and realized how much I disagreed with them. How can God not exist!? I just haven't been convinced that there is any other possibility to the world's creation other than that the Lord is the designer of it all. He is perfect; hence the earth was made perfect. Science makes sense with all its proven formulas and laws because God created everything that science derives from. Science works because God works. Math works because God works. Some things just make perfect sense, and it is because God is perfect. Okay, I'm being redundant now, but those are the thoughts I had just by looking at the sky.
“Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”
The next conversation I had with myself derived out of a quote from a book I am reading, dealing with the idea of marriage and dating and the like. It reads, “Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” I thought about this sentence, so simple, yet so true. And I tried to find something I could relate it to that would help me understand it better. This is what I came up with:
If you’ve ever been to an amusement park with crazy roller coasters and all kinds of ways to test your limits of adventure and thrill, as well as how much your head or stomach can take, you’ll know that with every great ride there comes a waiting line. When everyone is on vacation in the summer, the parks fill up with tons of people looking to have a good time. This also means that the biggest and baddest rides have the longest lines and the longest waits. There are several ways to handle the situation of a line like one such as these. Of course, there are sub-categories with some of these, exceptions, but I’ll just stick to the main ideas here.
I’ll use the Superman at Six Flags as an example. (And remember I’m mainly using this example to compare it with the idea of waiting for something that is worth waiting for, such as sex, dating, marriage, etc.)
You are at Six Flags and all you want to do is ride the Superman, for you have yet to experience its speed and wonder. You run all through the park just to get to it. It’s a beautiful summer day, perfect weather for some intense riding. However, as you arrive at your ideal ride, you notice a sign that says, “Wait: 2-3hours.” You ask yourself, Is it really worth it?
Possibility #1
You decide it’s not worth the wait. You go on to do other smaller things like kid rides or games, trying to fill your day with things to do and get your money’s worth. After all, that’s playing it safe, isn’t it? All day long you hear the screams of people on the big rides, having the time of their life. You want to be with them, but you aren’t willing to wait the whole two or three hours for it. Well, all the little things leave you disappointed by the end of the day. They’ve kept you busy and temporarily satisfied, but you still never did ride the mighty Superman.
Possibility #2
You decide that riding the Superman is definitely worth the wait! What’s a couple hours anyways? You can just make friends with the people in line, perhaps complaining about the heat or your sudden urge to urinate. Maybe a fight breaks out between two irritated kids and you’re forced to break them up. Or maybe you find a little girl wandering through the line without a parent, so you keep her with you until her mother comes pushing through the line to get her. Perhaps many challenges will come to your way, besides the grandest challenge of waiting in line. And know that once you’re in line, there’s no getting out. Not that you’re physically incapable of such a feat, but waiting half way only to not follow through would be worse than not waiting at all! And so you wait up until you are near the lines for individual seating on the ride itself. Now here’s where your third and fourth possibility comes into play.
Possibility #3
This is it! You’ve made it this far. Turning back is not an option. You can practically feel yourself defying gravity as you get closer to the end of the line. One car comes in, carrying people with red faces and sore throats. They are unloaded to let the next riders on. The new riders are thrilled that their turn has finally come. They prepare themselves for the flight by securing their personal belongings and harnessing themselves in properly. Everyone’s face is calm and excited at the same time, and all hair is in place. You notice a situation now. It appears there is quite a long line for the front seat. You have the option to go sooner than later by simply settling for one of the back seats. Maybe even the second seat will suit you. It’s close enough to the front, right? You decide not wait any longer. After waiting in line for about two and a half hours, you just want to ride already! So you jump in line for the third seat. You soon pass by the people waiting in line for the front seat. They still have a ways to go. You are content with your decision, but as you board the ride you see the front seat two rows in front of you. Had you waited a bit longer, it could have been yours. You have fun on the ride, telling yourself it was worth it, but you can’t help but wonder now what the front seat feels like. Maybe next time, but you’ll have to wait in line again.
Possibility #4
What??? How can you come this far and not go further? There’s no way you’re settling for some back seat, as tempting as it may be, and as close as it is. You’ve waited a long time for this ride, having had to deal with people pushing and shoving, kids fighting and letting lost, and that one guy spitting water at his friends, getting your cell phone wet. You’ve had just about enough! Sure you’d love to get the wait over with and just go, but then you’d be missing out on the ultimate awesomeness of the Superman experience! The front row is ideal! You’ve heard the stories of its wonder, the legend of its speed, and the sound of its power. You HAVE to ride up front! So you end up waiting about another half hour or so for the front, just about ready to explode! You see at least another fifteen cars go out only to return once again, full of red happy faces and wild hair. Your time has come! You did it! You secure your stuff, latch your safety belt, pull down the harness, and look forward at no one else in front of you. The car begins its ascent toward the sky as the operators of the ride wave you off. “Enjoy the ride!” they say. You know you are not only going to enjoy it but conquer it! You finally reach the peak, and seeing as there are no cars ahead of you, you are a leader along with the other guy or girl who decided to wait in the line beside you. The descent. Together you are flying over the world, zipping through tunnels and soaring over trees! And those ants down there are people! You let out a cry of triumph, prompting your fellow conqueror to do likewise. At that moment in time you are both screaming out to the sky. Your blood is pumping, your throat is hoarse, and your hair? Who cares! You’re a warrior now! As you arrive back from your journey, the car settles in its place, and you are ready to move on with wobbling legs to your next challenge. And look! That person that you were screaming with and waiting next to is headed in the same direction. You team up and conquer the next ride together.
So that is how I ended up looking at that quote. Referring to #4, do you think waiting in line for that is worth it? Some people do, some don’t. For me, I’m totally aiming for the front seat! I don’t care how long I have to wait. Anything worth having or doing, in my opinion, IS well worth the wait. And it makes the goal so much sweeter! (Like wine, too, I guess. Though I’m not really into wine, I’ve heard from many people that wine tastes better with age. You can’t buy a new bottle of wine and expect it to be fifty years old, right? You have to wait. )
Ninja Time!
Okay, this one is a bit more random and hopefully shorter. It’s 10:37PM right now. I’m beat! So, anyways… As I lied outside in the grass, my dog would occasionally come over to me with her chewed up roped toy, implying that I should throw it for her enjoyment. I did, and she retrieved it only to return to return to her shaded spot under a tree. I wanted to play more though. So I called her, stole her rope, and began rolling in the grass and running around with her until I finally decided to forfeit her treasure. I looked around, and noticing that my bottle had found its way to the patio, I rolled over to it and took cover behind a chair. I looked around the yard for other places that would make acceptable hiding spots. Then I remembered a time one summer night when my cousins or some friends were over. We were playing one of those hiding/tagging games. I’ve always had a thing for trying to find interesting ways to hide myself, especially if I could hide in the open and still not be seen. So one of the places I found on that night was a shadow. Yes, a shadow. The patio light was the only thing illuminating the backyard, casting dark figures across the ground. We used to have a bird feeder on a pole that cast a really long shadow right near the patio where the person who was “it” would count. The bird feeder on top was cylindrical and box-like. I had dark clothes on, and the shadow from the feeder was wide enough and long enough for me to lie on. And I did. I think it was one of the coolest places I ever hid in. And it worked, too! The person finished counting and walked in my direction. I just lied there on my stomach, in the grass, as still and flat as I could. Didn’t even notice me until I was up and running for base, but by then it was too late for him/her to get me. So…yeah. I think it’d be cool to be a ninja, stealthy, secretive, and unseen even in the open. But I guess I really just like running around in the dark as low-key as I can. That’s why those games in the dark are my favorite. Or any game at night really can work as long as I get to sneak around and stuff. Yep… Gonna be a ninja!
If you read this whole entry, wow! Just… WOW! I applaud you. No, really! I just clapped, so now you know that clap is with this entry. And I’ll even clap for you as it’s being submitted. You rock!
I began my afternoon (once I got off the computer at about 12:30 that is) by heading out for a warm up run, planning to stretch afterward and then going for the actual workout run. It went okay, considering I hadn't run since high school, except for one time with Chelsea and Hannah during the first semester at Uha. So I'm out of shape, but it felt good to get outside and sweat a little. The wind pushed against me from different angles every now and then. That felt good, too. A random headache made its presence known toward the end of my run, and my shoes had both become untied even after double knotting them. I don't really remember specifically what my thoughts were during the run, but that's okay. It wasn't until after I got back to the house that I had my inspired thoughts.
The Sky Alone Brings Glory to the Lord Who Created It
I headed to the backyard for my post-warm-up stretching. The grass was very cushiony and inviting. I started with the stretches you stand up for, then sat down to do other kinds of stretching. I was exhausted, and so I ended up falling asleep right there in the yard. I was gently awakened by my sister, Kaylee, who had just gotten back from school. She asked if I had called my dad, which I had earlier. She went back inside. I lied there still, looking up at a very blue sky with large, fluffy patches of cumulus clouds swimming across the sky at various heights, occasionally crossing paths. With the grandeur of the sky above me and the sun on my face, with my hands folded over my eyes, palms facing outward, I couldn't help but be in wonder at the presence of the Almighty creator of the world. I considered the scientific theories I had heard about how the world was created, from the "big bang" to the dust cloud theory, and realized how much I disagreed with them. How can God not exist!? I just haven't been convinced that there is any other possibility to the world's creation other than that the Lord is the designer of it all. He is perfect; hence the earth was made perfect. Science makes sense with all its proven formulas and laws because God created everything that science derives from. Science works because God works. Math works because God works. Some things just make perfect sense, and it is because God is perfect. Okay, I'm being redundant now, but those are the thoughts I had just by looking at the sky.
“Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”
The next conversation I had with myself derived out of a quote from a book I am reading, dealing with the idea of marriage and dating and the like. It reads, “Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” I thought about this sentence, so simple, yet so true. And I tried to find something I could relate it to that would help me understand it better. This is what I came up with:
If you’ve ever been to an amusement park with crazy roller coasters and all kinds of ways to test your limits of adventure and thrill, as well as how much your head or stomach can take, you’ll know that with every great ride there comes a waiting line. When everyone is on vacation in the summer, the parks fill up with tons of people looking to have a good time. This also means that the biggest and baddest rides have the longest lines and the longest waits. There are several ways to handle the situation of a line like one such as these. Of course, there are sub-categories with some of these, exceptions, but I’ll just stick to the main ideas here.
I’ll use the Superman at Six Flags as an example. (And remember I’m mainly using this example to compare it with the idea of waiting for something that is worth waiting for, such as sex, dating, marriage, etc.)
You are at Six Flags and all you want to do is ride the Superman, for you have yet to experience its speed and wonder. You run all through the park just to get to it. It’s a beautiful summer day, perfect weather for some intense riding. However, as you arrive at your ideal ride, you notice a sign that says, “Wait: 2-3hours.” You ask yourself, Is it really worth it?
Possibility #1
You decide it’s not worth the wait. You go on to do other smaller things like kid rides or games, trying to fill your day with things to do and get your money’s worth. After all, that’s playing it safe, isn’t it? All day long you hear the screams of people on the big rides, having the time of their life. You want to be with them, but you aren’t willing to wait the whole two or three hours for it. Well, all the little things leave you disappointed by the end of the day. They’ve kept you busy and temporarily satisfied, but you still never did ride the mighty Superman.
Possibility #2
You decide that riding the Superman is definitely worth the wait! What’s a couple hours anyways? You can just make friends with the people in line, perhaps complaining about the heat or your sudden urge to urinate. Maybe a fight breaks out between two irritated kids and you’re forced to break them up. Or maybe you find a little girl wandering through the line without a parent, so you keep her with you until her mother comes pushing through the line to get her. Perhaps many challenges will come to your way, besides the grandest challenge of waiting in line. And know that once you’re in line, there’s no getting out. Not that you’re physically incapable of such a feat, but waiting half way only to not follow through would be worse than not waiting at all! And so you wait up until you are near the lines for individual seating on the ride itself. Now here’s where your third and fourth possibility comes into play.
Possibility #3
This is it! You’ve made it this far. Turning back is not an option. You can practically feel yourself defying gravity as you get closer to the end of the line. One car comes in, carrying people with red faces and sore throats. They are unloaded to let the next riders on. The new riders are thrilled that their turn has finally come. They prepare themselves for the flight by securing their personal belongings and harnessing themselves in properly. Everyone’s face is calm and excited at the same time, and all hair is in place. You notice a situation now. It appears there is quite a long line for the front seat. You have the option to go sooner than later by simply settling for one of the back seats. Maybe even the second seat will suit you. It’s close enough to the front, right? You decide not wait any longer. After waiting in line for about two and a half hours, you just want to ride already! So you jump in line for the third seat. You soon pass by the people waiting in line for the front seat. They still have a ways to go. You are content with your decision, but as you board the ride you see the front seat two rows in front of you. Had you waited a bit longer, it could have been yours. You have fun on the ride, telling yourself it was worth it, but you can’t help but wonder now what the front seat feels like. Maybe next time, but you’ll have to wait in line again.
Possibility #4
What??? How can you come this far and not go further? There’s no way you’re settling for some back seat, as tempting as it may be, and as close as it is. You’ve waited a long time for this ride, having had to deal with people pushing and shoving, kids fighting and letting lost, and that one guy spitting water at his friends, getting your cell phone wet. You’ve had just about enough! Sure you’d love to get the wait over with and just go, but then you’d be missing out on the ultimate awesomeness of the Superman experience! The front row is ideal! You’ve heard the stories of its wonder, the legend of its speed, and the sound of its power. You HAVE to ride up front! So you end up waiting about another half hour or so for the front, just about ready to explode! You see at least another fifteen cars go out only to return once again, full of red happy faces and wild hair. Your time has come! You did it! You secure your stuff, latch your safety belt, pull down the harness, and look forward at no one else in front of you. The car begins its ascent toward the sky as the operators of the ride wave you off. “Enjoy the ride!” they say. You know you are not only going to enjoy it but conquer it! You finally reach the peak, and seeing as there are no cars ahead of you, you are a leader along with the other guy or girl who decided to wait in the line beside you. The descent. Together you are flying over the world, zipping through tunnels and soaring over trees! And those ants down there are people! You let out a cry of triumph, prompting your fellow conqueror to do likewise. At that moment in time you are both screaming out to the sky. Your blood is pumping, your throat is hoarse, and your hair? Who cares! You’re a warrior now! As you arrive back from your journey, the car settles in its place, and you are ready to move on with wobbling legs to your next challenge. And look! That person that you were screaming with and waiting next to is headed in the same direction. You team up and conquer the next ride together.
So that is how I ended up looking at that quote. Referring to #4, do you think waiting in line for that is worth it? Some people do, some don’t. For me, I’m totally aiming for the front seat! I don’t care how long I have to wait. Anything worth having or doing, in my opinion, IS well worth the wait. And it makes the goal so much sweeter! (Like wine, too, I guess. Though I’m not really into wine, I’ve heard from many people that wine tastes better with age. You can’t buy a new bottle of wine and expect it to be fifty years old, right? You have to wait. )
Ninja Time!
Okay, this one is a bit more random and hopefully shorter. It’s 10:37PM right now. I’m beat! So, anyways… As I lied outside in the grass, my dog would occasionally come over to me with her chewed up roped toy, implying that I should throw it for her enjoyment. I did, and she retrieved it only to return to return to her shaded spot under a tree. I wanted to play more though. So I called her, stole her rope, and began rolling in the grass and running around with her until I finally decided to forfeit her treasure. I looked around, and noticing that my bottle had found its way to the patio, I rolled over to it and took cover behind a chair. I looked around the yard for other places that would make acceptable hiding spots. Then I remembered a time one summer night when my cousins or some friends were over. We were playing one of those hiding/tagging games. I’ve always had a thing for trying to find interesting ways to hide myself, especially if I could hide in the open and still not be seen. So one of the places I found on that night was a shadow. Yes, a shadow. The patio light was the only thing illuminating the backyard, casting dark figures across the ground. We used to have a bird feeder on a pole that cast a really long shadow right near the patio where the person who was “it” would count. The bird feeder on top was cylindrical and box-like. I had dark clothes on, and the shadow from the feeder was wide enough and long enough for me to lie on. And I did. I think it was one of the coolest places I ever hid in. And it worked, too! The person finished counting and walked in my direction. I just lied there on my stomach, in the grass, as still and flat as I could. Didn’t even notice me until I was up and running for base, but by then it was too late for him/her to get me. So…yeah. I think it’d be cool to be a ninja, stealthy, secretive, and unseen even in the open. But I guess I really just like running around in the dark as low-key as I can. That’s why those games in the dark are my favorite. Or any game at night really can work as long as I get to sneak around and stuff. Yep… Gonna be a ninja!
If you read this whole entry, wow! Just… WOW! I applaud you. No, really! I just clapped, so now you know that clap is with this entry. And I’ll even clap for you as it’s being submitted. You rock!
The Vashishing Strawberry
Right now it is 6:51...AM! I have no idea why I'm awake right now. By all means I should still be sleeping. But now that I'm up I have the sudden urge to blog something I can't seem to get out of my mind. And maybe that is why I woke up at such an early hour (that, or nature was calling me after my wonderful cup of tea last night).
First, (and this is not what has been eating at me, but worth a mention...I guess) in the hours I was slowly coming to this morning, I had one of those half-waking-up/half-sleeping dreams where you make an attemp to do something while in bed but you can't because you're still in bed. Um... that doesn't make much sense does it? It'll make more sense when I tell you what happened. So... there i was in my half-and-half phase. I suddenly was holding a strawberry, though I was still in bed. I pushed this bright red wonder into my mouth about half way, waiting for it's delightful fruit taste. I felt it slide past my lips. Cold, but wonderful. As i bit down into nothing, disappointment filled me for a moment until I finally woke up to see that my digital alarm clock read 6:28AM. (Actually, I don't remember what minute it was on. It was the 6 that stood out, so don't believe the 28.) Okay, that it for my vanishing strawberry. I don't know if any of you have ever had one of those half/half moments. Anyways...
Now for what I really wanted to tell you, and not so much just to tell you, to keep a record for myself. It's something I really want to forget, but I can't bring myself to. It IS something that I should return to and remind myself how the world can be. I'll just get on with it. *sigh*
Yesterday, I went out with my friends, Lauren and Charlene, for most of the day. They came to pick me up at noon-ish. Lauren was driving the jeep, as she usually does. Her parents always have her doing errands for them, and she likes bringing friends along for company. But our plan was to go out to do these errands as well as go to the mall, then return to work out on Lauren's new gym equipment, and so we were gonna have lots of fun. Our first stop: K-Mart. What for? To pick up eight bags of mulch. Oh yes! The errands are never anything like "go to the dry cleaners" (as my dad will have me do on ocassion) or "pick up bread and milk." No, it's always something way more interesting.
We went into K-mart and headed to the section that has all the gardening stuff and plants and whatnot. I enjoyed the smell of everything at once, like nature got together for a party. It was awesome. When we found what we were looking for, we drove around to the stacks of mulch to let the guy working load up the back. There were so many stacks of mulch around that all I could think about as we left was playing on them, jumping from one stack to the next. How awesome that would be! Anyways, our next destination: Brass Mill Center; aka the Waterbury Mall.
Again, we had an errand to fullfill. Lauren's parents needed her to return a chainsaw (<---I wrote that as "chinsaw" a minute ago...ow!) of some kind to Sears. So we went to the front desk, got sent to the back, waited at the return place, finally got approval on the receipt, went back to the front desk...blah blah blah.
Then we went out of Sears into the mall (sears being a part of the mall, but it's only one store so... we went into the rest of the mall?). Lauren and Charlene headed over to Bank of America while I headed upstairs to Verizon HQ. The charger on my phone had not been working properly, and so I was in need of a replacement, or so I thought. Turns out that the problem wasn't the charger, but the phone itself. But my warenty was expired on it, and instead of buying a new phone and wasting money, I decided I would keep the phone (the phone works fine except for the charger issue) and buy a different kind of charger for it. The tech guy had suggested one that interts into the bottom of the phone, not into the side as mine had done. Much more affordable than getting a new phone. HOO-RAH!
I then went to Radioshack to ask for a bag to hold all my gizmos, as they were having trouble sharing my purse with a water bottle, a book, and all other kinds of junk I'm sure I don't need. I felt kind of bad going into a store with no intention of buying anything and then asking for one of their bags to hold my stuff. After all that, I met up with the girls and we headed over to Gentle Jungle to look at kittens in the window. *High pitched squeely noises and coos to be inserted here* Awe! They were SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! (I would really like to describe in detail all the awesome things these kittens were doing, but that could take a while so I'll just leave it up to your imagination as to what kittens do that's awesome. I'll give you an idea: a food bowl was spilled of most its contents.) We saw the lady inside come over with a young woman. She was taking out a kitten to hold. So of course, Lauren made the wonderful mistake of going along with it and asking to hold one as well. Charlene did likewise. I chose not to because of the damage these kittens had already done to my heart. I think it might have exploded if I held one, so I didn't. We all stood around, talking to the other two women about animals and pet stores and the pricing of pets and whatnot, all while enjoying the company of the kitties.
After a while, I told myself to get away from the cuteness of kittens and walk around the store before I ended up "saving" them all. I walked by the birds and the puppies and the ferrets. I couldn't really look at the puppies either because I might've ended up "saving" them, too. I made my way to the back isle of the store where it was very blue with shelves of fish tanks. It was very peaceful, very relaxing to watch these aquatic creatures just floating in front of blue backgrounds, as if there were no water at all. They were all so calm, and not one was wrestling with another or clawing at another's tail or knocking over food bowls. As adorable as all that is, these fish were cool in their own way. I noticed a tank with a few black fish that had bulging eyes. Although a little strange, they were cute in their own fishy way. I moved down the isle to look at the others. As I did, a little boy came running upto the side I had just been on, so I was at a distance.
(Okay, this is the part of that day I've been thinking about. Everything else is completely outweighed in my mind by this next event.) The boy was probably only about two years old, could walk okay, but couldn't say many words. Behind the boy came a man, his father maybe, saying, "You wanna see the fish? Hey let's see the fish!" The man picked up the boy in his arms to give him a better look at the higher tanks. They came across the one with the bulging-eyed fish I mentioned earlier. "Hey, look at his eyes" the man joked in his quick, Hispanic dialect. The boy pointed at the tank, smiling at the humorous features of the fish. "Man he got some big eyes, huh?" It was cute to listen to. But what tugged at my heart harder than the kittens or the puppies, and not in an "awe!" kind of way, was what the man said to the boy next.
"You know how he got them big eyes? Hey, hey! Look at 'im!" The boy looked on in wonder (and I was watching all this with my peripheral vision), listening to what the man was saying. "Hey, you know how he got them big eyes?" he asked the boy again. Of course the boy had no answer really, seeing as he could barely talk anyways. "He caught his wife playing dirty! Yeah! That's why them fish's eyes so big. Caught his wife playing dirty. He said 'whaaaaah?' That's why his eyes like that!" He enlongated the "what"sound that the fish supposedly made. "Yeah, caught his wife playing dirty, he said 'whaaaaah'? All the other fish said 'what??? after fifteen years?'"
After that, though the man continued to tell his fish tale to the boy, I walked away into another isle, unable to listen anymore. It's things like that which make me very sad for the future of our generation. I couldn't believe that this little boy was being exposed to the idea that wives cheat on their husbands. That, in my mind, makes the idea of marriage a negative one. It also gives the boy a bad impression of his mother(if that man was, indeed, the father). Or that women are not to be trusted. In some cases, yes, women cheat on their husbands, and some husbands cheat on their wives. The divorce rate in America is phenominal! Not only is Christ less a part of families these days, but what parents teach their children plays a crucial role in the developement of their children's lives. I mean, I'm not a parent yet, and hopefully I will be someday, and I can imagine it is hard to raise a child, let alone three or four. But I think it's important to start of children with a strong foundation of right and wrong, how to treat others, and to believe and trust in God. Once they have grown in understanding of these principles, and when they are at an age where you can talk to them about the world's greater flaws, you should be able to talk to them about things like divorce, sex, all the big things.
Not to say that you can shelter them from everything, but I definitely don't think a seven year old needs to learn about the world of sex, or even a twelve year old. Kids have heard the word "sex" before, just like swear words. They know it's bad, but thy might not know what it means. That's how it should be until they're ready. The first time I ever said the "F" word was in pre-K (PRE-K! BEFORE FIRST GRADE!). I heard a boy in my class say it several times and, not knowing what it meant, I said it, too. And I used it in the same context as he did. I told another boy who was bothering me to go "F" off. (I really hope none of you are laughing at this. I'm trying to make a point.) This got me in quite a bit of trouble with the teacher when the boy told her what I had said. I then learned what a swear was and that it was a negative thing. But I wonder this now: Where did the first boy learn it? Other kids maybe? Older siblings? His parents even? Where ever he learned it, why hadn't he been taught not to do it? I was four or five going into pre-k, so I'm sure he was not much older than I.
Another thought: the boy who tattled on me obviously knew what the "F" word was and that it was something very negative, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten me in trouble. Where had he learned it? Maybe he had gotten in trouble for the same thing. The point then, if that was the case, is that he did get in trouble. Even though parents love their kids (most of the time, which is another sad thing to think about, but i've already ranted way more than I should have) and it hurts to discipline, it is something that must be done. ESPECIALLY at a young age when they are developing a habitual sense of character and retaining information as kids do. I plan to follow through on punishing my kids in the future when they are going down the wrong path. It won't be because I don't love them and want to suffer, but it will be becasue i DO love them and want them to learn from their mistakes.
Okay, sorry for the rambling thoughts at the end. My overall point in all of this was that I fear for the future of our kids in this world we live in. It has become more of the world's world, rather than the Lord's world, or so it seems. Sometimes I just wish it could all be like my vanishing strawberry, real one minute and gone the next. Like maybe the event at the fish tanks was all in my mind... but I know it happened.
(It is now 10:17AM)
First, (and this is not what has been eating at me, but worth a mention...I guess) in the hours I was slowly coming to this morning, I had one of those half-waking-up/half-sleeping dreams where you make an attemp to do something while in bed but you can't because you're still in bed. Um... that doesn't make much sense does it? It'll make more sense when I tell you what happened. So... there i was in my half-and-half phase. I suddenly was holding a strawberry, though I was still in bed. I pushed this bright red wonder into my mouth about half way, waiting for it's delightful fruit taste. I felt it slide past my lips. Cold, but wonderful. As i bit down into nothing, disappointment filled me for a moment until I finally woke up to see that my digital alarm clock read 6:28AM. (Actually, I don't remember what minute it was on. It was the 6 that stood out, so don't believe the 28.) Okay, that it for my vanishing strawberry. I don't know if any of you have ever had one of those half/half moments. Anyways...
Now for what I really wanted to tell you, and not so much just to tell you, to keep a record for myself. It's something I really want to forget, but I can't bring myself to. It IS something that I should return to and remind myself how the world can be. I'll just get on with it. *sigh*
Yesterday, I went out with my friends, Lauren and Charlene, for most of the day. They came to pick me up at noon-ish. Lauren was driving the jeep, as she usually does. Her parents always have her doing errands for them, and she likes bringing friends along for company. But our plan was to go out to do these errands as well as go to the mall, then return to work out on Lauren's new gym equipment, and so we were gonna have lots of fun. Our first stop: K-Mart. What for? To pick up eight bags of mulch. Oh yes! The errands are never anything like "go to the dry cleaners" (as my dad will have me do on ocassion) or "pick up bread and milk." No, it's always something way more interesting.
We went into K-mart and headed to the section that has all the gardening stuff and plants and whatnot. I enjoyed the smell of everything at once, like nature got together for a party. It was awesome. When we found what we were looking for, we drove around to the stacks of mulch to let the guy working load up the back. There were so many stacks of mulch around that all I could think about as we left was playing on them, jumping from one stack to the next. How awesome that would be! Anyways, our next destination: Brass Mill Center; aka the Waterbury Mall.
Again, we had an errand to fullfill. Lauren's parents needed her to return a chainsaw (<---I wrote that as "chinsaw" a minute ago...ow!) of some kind to Sears. So we went to the front desk, got sent to the back, waited at the return place, finally got approval on the receipt, went back to the front desk...blah blah blah.
Then we went out of Sears into the mall (sears being a part of the mall, but it's only one store so... we went into the rest of the mall?). Lauren and Charlene headed over to Bank of America while I headed upstairs to Verizon HQ. The charger on my phone had not been working properly, and so I was in need of a replacement, or so I thought. Turns out that the problem wasn't the charger, but the phone itself. But my warenty was expired on it, and instead of buying a new phone and wasting money, I decided I would keep the phone (the phone works fine except for the charger issue) and buy a different kind of charger for it. The tech guy had suggested one that interts into the bottom of the phone, not into the side as mine had done. Much more affordable than getting a new phone. HOO-RAH!
I then went to Radioshack to ask for a bag to hold all my gizmos, as they were having trouble sharing my purse with a water bottle, a book, and all other kinds of junk I'm sure I don't need. I felt kind of bad going into a store with no intention of buying anything and then asking for one of their bags to hold my stuff. After all that, I met up with the girls and we headed over to Gentle Jungle to look at kittens in the window. *High pitched squeely noises and coos to be inserted here* Awe! They were SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! (I would really like to describe in detail all the awesome things these kittens were doing, but that could take a while so I'll just leave it up to your imagination as to what kittens do that's awesome. I'll give you an idea: a food bowl was spilled of most its contents.) We saw the lady inside come over with a young woman. She was taking out a kitten to hold. So of course, Lauren made the wonderful mistake of going along with it and asking to hold one as well. Charlene did likewise. I chose not to because of the damage these kittens had already done to my heart. I think it might have exploded if I held one, so I didn't. We all stood around, talking to the other two women about animals and pet stores and the pricing of pets and whatnot, all while enjoying the company of the kitties.
After a while, I told myself to get away from the cuteness of kittens and walk around the store before I ended up "saving" them all. I walked by the birds and the puppies and the ferrets. I couldn't really look at the puppies either because I might've ended up "saving" them, too. I made my way to the back isle of the store where it was very blue with shelves of fish tanks. It was very peaceful, very relaxing to watch these aquatic creatures just floating in front of blue backgrounds, as if there were no water at all. They were all so calm, and not one was wrestling with another or clawing at another's tail or knocking over food bowls. As adorable as all that is, these fish were cool in their own way. I noticed a tank with a few black fish that had bulging eyes. Although a little strange, they were cute in their own fishy way. I moved down the isle to look at the others. As I did, a little boy came running upto the side I had just been on, so I was at a distance.
(Okay, this is the part of that day I've been thinking about. Everything else is completely outweighed in my mind by this next event.) The boy was probably only about two years old, could walk okay, but couldn't say many words. Behind the boy came a man, his father maybe, saying, "You wanna see the fish? Hey let's see the fish!" The man picked up the boy in his arms to give him a better look at the higher tanks. They came across the one with the bulging-eyed fish I mentioned earlier. "Hey, look at his eyes" the man joked in his quick, Hispanic dialect. The boy pointed at the tank, smiling at the humorous features of the fish. "Man he got some big eyes, huh?" It was cute to listen to. But what tugged at my heart harder than the kittens or the puppies, and not in an "awe!" kind of way, was what the man said to the boy next.
"You know how he got them big eyes? Hey, hey! Look at 'im!" The boy looked on in wonder (and I was watching all this with my peripheral vision), listening to what the man was saying. "Hey, you know how he got them big eyes?" he asked the boy again. Of course the boy had no answer really, seeing as he could barely talk anyways. "He caught his wife playing dirty! Yeah! That's why them fish's eyes so big. Caught his wife playing dirty. He said 'whaaaaah?' That's why his eyes like that!" He enlongated the "what"sound that the fish supposedly made. "Yeah, caught his wife playing dirty, he said 'whaaaaah'? All the other fish said 'what??? after fifteen years?'"
After that, though the man continued to tell his fish tale to the boy, I walked away into another isle, unable to listen anymore. It's things like that which make me very sad for the future of our generation. I couldn't believe that this little boy was being exposed to the idea that wives cheat on their husbands. That, in my mind, makes the idea of marriage a negative one. It also gives the boy a bad impression of his mother(if that man was, indeed, the father). Or that women are not to be trusted. In some cases, yes, women cheat on their husbands, and some husbands cheat on their wives. The divorce rate in America is phenominal! Not only is Christ less a part of families these days, but what parents teach their children plays a crucial role in the developement of their children's lives. I mean, I'm not a parent yet, and hopefully I will be someday, and I can imagine it is hard to raise a child, let alone three or four. But I think it's important to start of children with a strong foundation of right and wrong, how to treat others, and to believe and trust in God. Once they have grown in understanding of these principles, and when they are at an age where you can talk to them about the world's greater flaws, you should be able to talk to them about things like divorce, sex, all the big things.
Not to say that you can shelter them from everything, but I definitely don't think a seven year old needs to learn about the world of sex, or even a twelve year old. Kids have heard the word "sex" before, just like swear words. They know it's bad, but thy might not know what it means. That's how it should be until they're ready. The first time I ever said the "F" word was in pre-K (PRE-K! BEFORE FIRST GRADE!). I heard a boy in my class say it several times and, not knowing what it meant, I said it, too. And I used it in the same context as he did. I told another boy who was bothering me to go "F" off. (I really hope none of you are laughing at this. I'm trying to make a point.) This got me in quite a bit of trouble with the teacher when the boy told her what I had said. I then learned what a swear was and that it was a negative thing. But I wonder this now: Where did the first boy learn it? Other kids maybe? Older siblings? His parents even? Where ever he learned it, why hadn't he been taught not to do it? I was four or five going into pre-k, so I'm sure he was not much older than I.
Another thought: the boy who tattled on me obviously knew what the "F" word was and that it was something very negative, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten me in trouble. Where had he learned it? Maybe he had gotten in trouble for the same thing. The point then, if that was the case, is that he did get in trouble. Even though parents love their kids (most of the time, which is another sad thing to think about, but i've already ranted way more than I should have) and it hurts to discipline, it is something that must be done. ESPECIALLY at a young age when they are developing a habitual sense of character and retaining information as kids do. I plan to follow through on punishing my kids in the future when they are going down the wrong path. It won't be because I don't love them and want to suffer, but it will be becasue i DO love them and want them to learn from their mistakes.
Okay, sorry for the rambling thoughts at the end. My overall point in all of this was that I fear for the future of our kids in this world we live in. It has become more of the world's world, rather than the Lord's world, or so it seems. Sometimes I just wish it could all be like my vanishing strawberry, real one minute and gone the next. Like maybe the event at the fish tanks was all in my mind... but I know it happened.
(It is now 10:17AM)
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Thank God For Every Day You Ever Took A Breath
Nighttime
An instant message
Another and another
And so on...
An engagement made
Prayer, prayer, prayer
A plan followed through
An early arrival by the afternoon
But all is well
Greeting, meeting, proceeding
Down half a flight
A tension at first but
Laser to compact disk
Warm-up time, then the face-off
Bam! Zoom! Crash! Boom!
Three laps plus fruit
Equals I am going down
But does it?
Hoo-rah! No
I am complete
Are you? What now!
All is well
There is calmness
Followed by chaos
Papers and then some
Clutters sorted, thrown, put away
Challenge number two met
Pump a fist now
And all is well
Now the time to see them
Dazzle us with a smile
Click, flash, wind
Click, flash, wind
Moving on
Again now to see them
Dazzle us with a smile
Click, flash, wind
Click, flash, wind
Moving on
All is well
Hunger sets in
What say you
To yellow powder on whites things?
A motion picture to accompany us
But wait!
Should there not be a second option?
Then let us be off in search of another!
Granola for now
All is well
Purr dear engine on our way
Clouds blanket the sky on all sides
Explode if you must
Energy is free here as long as we exist
I’ll close my eyes
But you won’t miss a thing
I’ll be here
And all is well
The second option found
Mission complete
Now home once more
Food is krafted
Couch for each
Select PLAY
Watch, eat, watch, sleep, awaken
Prayer, confusion, fear, prayer
Watch, sleep, watch
Sleep, awaken
All is well?
Paper again visits the scene
Words this time to read
More recent, very recent
Mmmm… smile creeping
Smile is winning, good
Happy, pensive, anxious, content
What do I do? Help me, Father!
Mmmm… smile staying
Re-read and again
Heart is fond, spirit is warm
Butterflies with butterfly cuteness
Have made my tummy their home
Courage provided
Thank you, Father!
All is well
A walk now
Clutter sorted, organized to some degree
Much more work to be done
A beautiful night with stars in the sky
This is good, calm
I am glad, and calm
Porch bench, chewed rope, story time
Tea? Yes, good
And down half a flight
Speak, sip, story time, sleepy
Smile, content, mmm...
Embrace
Goodnight
All is well
An instant message
Another and another
And so on...
An engagement made
Prayer, prayer, prayer
A plan followed through
An early arrival by the afternoon
But all is well
Greeting, meeting, proceeding
Down half a flight
A tension at first but
Laser to compact disk
Warm-up time, then the face-off
Bam! Zoom! Crash! Boom!
Three laps plus fruit
Equals I am going down
But does it?
Hoo-rah! No
I am complete
Are you? What now!
All is well
There is calmness
Followed by chaos
Papers and then some
Clutters sorted, thrown, put away
Challenge number two met
Pump a fist now
And all is well
Now the time to see them
Dazzle us with a smile
Click, flash, wind
Click, flash, wind
Moving on
Again now to see them
Dazzle us with a smile
Click, flash, wind
Click, flash, wind
Moving on
All is well
Hunger sets in
What say you
To yellow powder on whites things?
A motion picture to accompany us
But wait!
Should there not be a second option?
Then let us be off in search of another!
Granola for now
All is well
Purr dear engine on our way
Clouds blanket the sky on all sides
Explode if you must
Energy is free here as long as we exist
I’ll close my eyes
But you won’t miss a thing
I’ll be here
And all is well
The second option found
Mission complete
Now home once more
Food is krafted
Couch for each
Select PLAY
Watch, eat, watch, sleep, awaken
Prayer, confusion, fear, prayer
Watch, sleep, watch
Sleep, awaken
All is well?
Paper again visits the scene
Words this time to read
More recent, very recent
Mmmm… smile creeping
Smile is winning, good
Happy, pensive, anxious, content
What do I do? Help me, Father!
Mmmm… smile staying
Re-read and again
Heart is fond, spirit is warm
Butterflies with butterfly cuteness
Have made my tummy their home
Courage provided
Thank you, Father!
All is well
A walk now
Clutter sorted, organized to some degree
Much more work to be done
A beautiful night with stars in the sky
This is good, calm
I am glad, and calm
Porch bench, chewed rope, story time
Tea? Yes, good
And down half a flight
Speak, sip, story time, sleepy
Smile, content, mmm...
Embrace
Goodnight
All is well
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Home...
I'm home but... things have changed so much. I guess I can't quite put my finger on it. *sigh*
"What if I stumble? What if I fall?
What if I lose my step and make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when the walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble? What if I fall?"
-dc talk
What reason do I have to feel this sense of depression? There is no reason... Satan is trying to bring me down. So why do I let him? God is so much greater. But I am still linked to the world. I can't wait until my spirit goes from my body and is able to sin no more. Only then will I be truly free from the world.
"What if I stumble? What if I fall?
What if I lose my step and make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when the walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble? What if I fall?"
-dc talk
What reason do I have to feel this sense of depression? There is no reason... Satan is trying to bring me down. So why do I let him? God is so much greater. But I am still linked to the world. I can't wait until my spirit goes from my body and is able to sin no more. Only then will I be truly free from the world.
God Is In Control
"So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring
No more datingI'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tierd waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run
Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep
God's preparing one for me"
-Barlow Girl "Average Girl"
*sigh* I wish I knew who God was preparing so I didn't have it on my mind so often. I guess it's gonna be a while. Still, I really miss cuddling... "Oh, God! You have to save me. You're my last and only hope..." (-Barlow Girl "on my own").
"My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?"
-Barlow Girl "Surrender"
"Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again"
-Barlow Girl "porcelain heart"
I miss being with someone, but I'm sick of heartache. I even hate it now maybe. Just gotta keep reminding myself how great and free and wonderful and... painful and lonely... it is to be single. But I trust God. And someone is coming for me. Mybe not today or tomorrow, maybe not even next year or in the next decade! But he is coming... and we will have kids and pets and a studio for me to make art inspired by the beauty of the world God made.
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring
No more datingI'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tierd waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run
Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep
God's preparing one for me"
-Barlow Girl "Average Girl"
*sigh* I wish I knew who God was preparing so I didn't have it on my mind so often. I guess it's gonna be a while. Still, I really miss cuddling... "Oh, God! You have to save me. You're my last and only hope..." (-Barlow Girl "on my own").
"My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?"
-Barlow Girl "Surrender"
"Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again"
-Barlow Girl "porcelain heart"
I miss being with someone, but I'm sick of heartache. I even hate it now maybe. Just gotta keep reminding myself how great and free and wonderful and... painful and lonely... it is to be single. But I trust God. And someone is coming for me. Mybe not today or tomorrow, maybe not even next year or in the next decade! But he is coming... and we will have kids and pets and a studio for me to make art inspired by the beauty of the world God made.
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