What's a married artist to do?

I feel like such a bum lately. I know I'm not. I've been staying busy, painting and cleaning and the like. But part of me feels like I'm still being lazy. Like I should be doing something of greater importance. Like... I don't know what. Finding a job, I guess. Or figuring out how I can give private art lessons to kids. I know I would love that. But am I ready for it? I sometimes feel like I don't know enough, like I still need more lessons myself.

And what about ministry? What is God's will for my life? Is it okay that Adam is the only one making any kind of money for both of us? I mean, yes, I had a commission not too long ago and made a little from that. But now what? I like the art stuff I've been doing, but is it practical? I'm just experimenting anyway. Should I be working toward something with greater potential? Something I know works?

During the Night of Joy show, a lot of people came up to me to tell me how much they loved my work. It was mostly work from my senior show in college. I can't show the same stuff forever though. I need some fresh ideas. I need to be focusing on a new body of work. But what should I do? And what the heck will I do with it once it's done?

Think entrepreneurially!

Gah!

Chores Today

9:33 AM

I am thinking.

Longing

I feel...

Bored. Anxious. Trapped.

I am...

Waiting. Impatient. Longing.

I am searching for inspiration, something to motivate me. I want to create. I want to branch out. I just finished a commission for someone, but after all that drawing and painting, I am still not satisfied. I feel as though it was preparation for something else. I am certainly back in the painting spirit. The only question now is...

What do I paint next?

Perhaps I should give myself some sort of goal. Maybe pretend I'm a teacher giving an assignment to a class, only to do the assignment myself. Of course, I could revert to my usual strategy of making a list. That always makes me feel better. I will find myself brainstorming ideas, coming up with goals I'd like to accomplish, and so I write them down.

I think I will do that. I need something to move forward on. Anything.

Go!

1. Finish the book of Leviticus
2. Start an art ministry
3. Make a calendar: 12 illustrations, 1 for every month
4. Take more pictures of people, clouds, trees, and animals... and anything that would make a good picture
5. Make a meal schedule for each week; include lots of fruits and vegetables
6. Draw everyday. Anything and everything. Even doodle.
7. Walk more! Get exercise!
8. Recover all honeymoon photos and post them online for friends and family to see
9. FINISH WEDDING THANK YOU CARDS!!!
10. Finish silverpoint portrait of Vashti
11. Organize a girls night; make creative invitations
12. Christmas shopping; wrap each gift in a fun way
13. Brainstorm and add to the list
14. Pray more
15. Build a snowman this winter

So most of these are very broad, but it's a start. I feel better already.

Twelve "Ty's"

Listening to: Jon Foreman's "The House of God Forever"

My bridal shower was a couple weekends ago. It was amazing how many people were there. I was thoroughly overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude. During the shower, one of the women gave a devotional on being a good wife. She shared twelve different points, all ending with the letters "ty." She'd printed each word to pin to the board as she went over each word. I took them home, and just tonight I rediscovered them. So I had some fun "adding" to her points.

Exhaustion and distraction are an awful combination...




Yeah, more pictures. What's up with that? Well, I no longer use the blog I used to put pictures on, the other personal one. It was sort of a one time thing that I never updated, so I decided to delete it and have one less blog. Why not just use my art blog? Because that I'd like to keep as professional as possible, and as much as I love posting all my creative comings and goings, some things are just silly. Or at least I think so. If anyone puts up a fight I'll at least consider it, but for now these will remain here as party of my story.

Gr... Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind again. I'm so indecisive.

Banana Muffin Monday

I don't usually put images on this blog, but I'm up for trying new things.



Today I felt very productive. I woke up at about 8:30 in the morning. Waking up early always helps me feel like I've got the whole day ahead of me. Also, I was expecting a visit from Chelsea. We'd planned on getting together to work on wedding favors. So before she got there, I kept myself busy by tidying up the kitchen, washing and putting away dishes, baking, and taking pictures around the house.

The new banana muffin recipe I found was a big hit with my family in New Jersey a couple weeks ago, and so I decided to make them this morning for when Chelsea arrived. It is actually a vegan recipe, which shocks a lot of people. I've been doing a lot of vegan baking/cooking this summer because my sister is vegan. It's been fun looking up new recipes and learning ways to make good food with the sometimes challenging limitations.

Anyways, after cleaning and baking and taking pictures, Chels got there. We popped in a couple movies and worked on wedding favors. We worked on them the whole time she was here, breaking only to eat and use the bathroom. The favors are not even close to being finished, but it still feels good to have gotten so much done today.

I'll be heading out to my mom's in a bit, where I'll try to recruit my sisters to help me get more done.

Jealousy and Resentment

These are two of the biggest things I have to watch out for in myself. I am excellent at both, and I wish I weren't. Last night I had a jealousy issue, to the point that I could feel my heart shifting to hatred and self pity. So I had to mentally talk myself out of that. This morning I had a resentment issue, in which hurts from the past were brought to mind, and yet again I felt my heart leaning toward hatred for someone. I know why. But that doesn't make it right.

In general I am not like this, but being human I am very capable of every sin, every evil. It is in my nature to be drawn to self pity. It is in my nature to hate. It is in my nature to take the easy way out, to do what feels good. But the ability to choose whether or not I accept my nature is what separates me from the animals.

I could choose to keep hating. I could choose to go on being jealous. It would be so easy not to bother fighting any urge that came up. But would I be happy? No. I'd only be hurting myself, or hurting others. So there are short-term and long-term consequences of just giving in. It's easy in the moment, but what about later? What other parts of my life will things like resentment and jealousy sink into?

I'd rather not find out.

I freaking LOVE going to the dentist!

So maybe I'm part of the small percentage of people who can actually say this, but it's true. I really do love going to the dentist. Were it not for the expense of it, I'd probably go once a month if I could, just to get my teeth cleaned. Having clean teeth is one of my routine priorities. I can't officially start my day without brushing my teeth, and anyone who knows me really well knows I can't go to bed without brushing either. Once in a while, I'll even brush in the middle of the day just because my mouth feels gross. I imagine all the bacteria and plaque planning their next attack on my precious enamel.

On top of getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist, they also take x-rays of my teeth on occasion. It's how they keep an eye on things they can't see, especially the things I can't see. They look for cavities and things going on inside my teeth. For instance, last week I went to the dentist for a cleaning and was due for an x-ray. They found two cavities! I was quite upset since I hadn't had a cavity since my baby teeth days. And those cavities all fell out with the teeth so that I really didn't have any cavities at all!

Anyway, I went in today to get my teeth fixed up. Not once was I nervous about getting Novocaine or having a drill in my mouth. Because I know the dentist is doing his best to help me take care of my mouth. If I never got help, who knows what those cavities would turn into! Maybe black, rotting teeth that would give me worse problems later in life. What could have been that annoying $500 bill suddenly becomes a whopping $5,000! So yeah. I love the dentist. I like having clean, healthy teeth; and they like me having clean, healthy teeth.

Speaking of clean, healthy teeth... time for bed! My new nightly routine:

1. Floss
2. Brush with flouride toothpaste
3. Rinse
4. Mouthwash
5. Brush with new booster gel (don't rinse)

No more cavities for me, please!

A Response for Nina

I had started responding to Nina's comment on my last entry, but realized it was a topic worthy of its own post. So thank you to Nina for the inspiring discussion-provoking comment to "Home Again, Home Again."

*Just to clarify, when I use generalizing words like "us" and "we" and "our", I am referring to the people who fall into the category for which this topic is addressing, and unless otherwise stated. I know not everyone got everthing handed to them*

To Nina/Pensive Entry:

I think I have to agree with you on the part about how we've been given too much help. The generation before us (namely our parents) grew up in huge families (or at least my parents did) and had to work for everything they have. Maybe because their parents were busy just getting by and keeping the kids fed. My upbringing was not so harsh. In fact, I have been very blessed and I do not take that for granted. I have the kind of father who has worked hard every day of his life to provide for his family, even before he had a family to support. My mom has also worked very hard, both in the work place and at home to raise her children. They supported my sisters and I in many ways.

But we really never had to work for anything because everything was given to us. Not against our parents' wills, but because they wanted to give us as much as they could, as their way of loving us, as their way of providing for us. My dad particularly has always been vocal about not wanting us (me and my sisters) to worry about anything. For example, there was never any pressure to get a job while we were in school, because he wanted us to be able to focus on school. He's the kind of dad who just hands you money without being asked. Or asks if we need money, and no matter what the answer is, gives it to us.

It's definitely a good thing to provide for your children, but I think you are correct in saying, Nina, that in some areas of life we've been given to much help. And some areas, none at all. And the problems of finding a job, or planning financially for the future, are an afterthought that come only now that they are on top of us. I'm feeling the sting of having little work experience to put on my resume or on applications for jobs. I find myself scraping to find proof that I can work well. So many jobs descriptions I've come across call for experienced individuals, even things as common as waitressing.

My dad told me the other day he would pay me for the chores I've been doing, or to have me weed the garden and such. It's one thing to be making money, which is good, but I can't put "chores" on a resume. And we were never taught how to get jobs, how to look presentable and the like, or how to start a savings account so could gain interest, or how to cook or bake, or how to sew or knit, or how to hunt or fish, or how to change a tire. Those are the kinds of things we've picked up along the way, whether from do-it-yourself research, from friends, or from school.

And we haven't been given a whole lot of room to fail, and so we are scared of taking risks, whether it be jobs or relationships or what have you. In my case, I'm not used to job interviews, and it takes everything in me to put forth the effort to do what I'm afraid of doing. I've never paid bills before either. I don't pay for my cell, car insurance, and I'm not paying for college. Not looking forward to bills.

This is all sort of processing "out loud" if you will. I'm making this sound way worse that it is. I know I'm a hard worker because I learned from my parents that it's important. But I have my lazy days. I guess there are extremes. The extreme of having spoiled your kids so that they grow up being lazy and unmotivated, and of working so hard that you burn yourself out and have no life. There needs to be a balance. Working hard but enjoying life.

I guess at the end of all this, I can say... While perhaps the previous generation hindered our world survival skills by helping too much, we are adults now and it is our responsibility to see our problems for what they are, and own up to what's ours. It would be far more responsible to address the areas of our lives that need improvement, as difficult as it may be, instead of living in the past with a finger pointing at those who we think are to blame. Because at the end of the day, they are still our problems. I think we are part of a generation who recognizes this, at least to some degree, and we are all struggling to figure it out together. We would be wise to seek the knowledge and experience of others as a means of survival and growth. And to be motivating each other as we go through the same struggles... well, I'm looking forward to a time when we being to close the gaps together.

And finally, to give credit where credit is due: God is the only one who can truly fill us where we are empty. He's the only one who can guide us through the struggles of our finite understanding. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I will do my best to put my trust in Him, though I do not know His plans for my life. Job? No job? God is good all the time. He is sovereign and His will prevails despite ourselves. Praise!

Home Again, Home Again

It's so frustrating being home now. After four years of being independent, responsible, and completely on my own schedule, I am back in the stressful environment of expectations, chores, and everything else that makes me long to be on my own again.

I do not have a job yet. I have not been completely neglecting that. I've put myself out there several times now and without luck. I even considered the possibility of grad school, which I researched and spent time getting more information on. I've also had wedding planning to to do, and still have a long way to go on that. On top of all that, I do chores around the house, errands for my dad, and the like.

And even more to add, now that I'm out of school, I have no classes to go back to where I am forced to be motivated to make art. Drawing everyday is something my professors encouraged us to do. I know that if I don't put in a serious effort, I will get rusty and the skills I just spent four years honing will become lost. I've been doing okay so far, but I've missed a few days here and there. So I try to do a little extra some days to catch up, if you will.

Anyways, I can't wait to get out of this house. I love my family and all; I'm just getting sick of living under the pressure of being asked everyday "what did you do today?" Because I never have an answer that feels like it's enough. I know I am always doing something, but at the end of some days I review what I did and it seems like it wasn't productive at all. I don't realize how much time I like putting into my sketches or paintings. And doing anything online, like wedding stuff or digital art, takes up more time than I would like it, too. I feel like people assume that because I'm on the computer when they see me it means that's all I do and I'm lazy. I start to feel that way, too, but I remind myself that I'm not doing nothing. I'm not a lazy bum just sitting at the computer all day playing games or some crap like that.

And I'm sick of dad getting upset about all the little things. Some of it I get and he's right, but other times I shut down because it's so discouraging. Can't do anything right. I have a horrible short term memory, which doesn't help so that I'll admit is my fault, but I do try. Some days I do everything that was asked of me yet there's still something wrong. And the days I forget everything, well... I'm just screwed.

I'm just venting. I'm so aggravated. I just want to get married and have my own place. I put enough pressure on myself. I don't need it from anyone else. Gah!

School's Out

Now that I'm back home, I'm finally able to chill out a bit and hang out with people. Monday night, Kay and I went to Woon-n-Tap for a friend's 21st b-day party. It was nice to see old friends again. Yesterday, I was able to actually drive mysel somewhere. That somewhere ended up being Adam's house, from which we departed together to go to Overflow. Although I felt social awkward after having not seen everyone for so long, I enjoyed myself. Not only because there was good food and good company, but there was also great Bible discussion. At the end, I accidently volunteered myself for closing prayer. I'm glad I did, though.

It feels good to be back.

Oh, yeah. And I can look for a job now, too.

I Graduated Yesterday

..................................................................................


B.F.A. BABY!



Graduated with Latin Honors, Summa Cum Laude, and a 4.0 for the semester. Sweet!
Major: Illustration. Minor: Art History

NEW WEBSITE!!!

I finally got a website for my artwork. It's so nice to finally be able to show people my stuff without laying everything out all over the place. Or waiting to have it with me to show them.

I have a business card, too, but it was sort of a last mitute thing for my show, so next time I want to put a little more effort into it. Anyways, here's my site!

alyssajoyart.com

Spring Break

I'm technically on spring break this week. And yet, I'm on campus anyways. Too much work to catch up on. And I can't work at home because it's just too darn distracting, and there is nowhere to really work on my stuff. I like having the studio space here on campus and it doesn't require me lugging around all my stuff. Also, I have access to the Macs, the printers, and the artograph if I need them. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get out to the studio today. It's been a computer day... responding to emails, moving stuff from my computer to Adam's external hard drive so that I have room for more reference pictures and the like, and doing a bit of wedding checklist stuff.

Everything is slow at the moment. I keep wanting to distract myself with other things because I can't trick myself into thinking I'm not on a break. I know I am. And I know I need to get work done.

Sigh... I wish I had a car on campus for the week.

I AM SO... ANGRY.

SO SO ANGRY.


Lord, grant me a patient heart.


Please.

Good Conversation: Making the World A Better Place

It's been a while since I've had a really good conversation. Tonight, Jenna and I got dinner together, and we had one. I think we both left feeling like, just in that one conversation, we had taken another step in the right direction for world change. Yes, we both have different beliefs and views, but even with our differences, we were on the same page as human beings. We both want to see change in the world, change for the better, change that leads to the love and respect of ALL people, no matter who they are or what they believe. And I'm slowly starting to see the lines of communication being built between Christianity and the outside world. I believe conversations like this are exactly what we need to move forward in making the world a better place. Openness and honesty may be hard to grasp individually, as well as hard to find amongst others, but it is completely necessary if we want to work together to build bridges. And being open and honest does not mean you need to sacrafice what you believe, and it certainly does not mean we should push that belief on someone else. It simply means we are finding a common ground on which to communicate, so that we can better understand where the other person is coming from.

I wish all conversations could be as productive and eye-opening as my conversation with Jenna was. Seeing the title of this blog after a coversation like that also makes me realize that there is more meaning to it than the spiritual one I originally intended when I started this blog.

Better is one day.

Just one more...please

I could really go for just ONE more week of winter break. It's hardly felt like a break at all. There's so much to do and so little time left to do it all. I was selected to illustrate the cover of the Fall catalog at school. It's due by early February, but I've had to wait a while for confirmation on the sketches I sent. I got the okay today, so that leaves me little time to finish it. So maybe that's a little overwhelming. Not so bad by itself, but I also just got the reference I needed for the other project I have to get done. I go back to school Monday. I'm getting sick, have my Grandma's wake and funeral to go to in Vermont this weekend, and still haven't packed yet to go back to school. So... That leaves me tomorrow. For everything. If I wasn't feeling so yucky and run down, I'd stay up and work on stuff. As it is, I am feeling that way so off to bed I go now. Oh, and the cherry on top is coming any day now. My monthly lady thing. Blah.

This is the first time I haven't wanted to go back to school yet. I usually can't wait to go back.