It's so frustrating being home now. After four years of being independent, responsible, and completely on my own schedule, I am back in the stressful environment of expectations, chores, and everything else that makes me long to be on my own again.
I do not have a job yet. I have not been completely neglecting that. I've put myself out there several times now and without luck. I even considered the possibility of grad school, which I researched and spent time getting more information on. I've also had wedding planning to to do, and still have a long way to go on that. On top of all that, I do chores around the house, errands for my dad, and the like.
And even more to add, now that I'm out of school, I have no classes to go back to where I am forced to be motivated to make art. Drawing everyday is something my professors encouraged us to do. I know that if I don't put in a serious effort, I will get rusty and the skills I just spent four years honing will become lost. I've been doing okay so far, but I've missed a few days here and there. So I try to do a little extra some days to catch up, if you will.
Anyways, I can't wait to get out of this house. I love my family and all; I'm just getting sick of living under the pressure of being asked everyday "what did you do today?" Because I never have an answer that feels like it's enough. I know I am always doing something, but at the end of some days I review what I did and it seems like it wasn't productive at all. I don't realize how much time I like putting into my sketches or paintings. And doing anything online, like wedding stuff or digital art, takes up more time than I would like it, too. I feel like people assume that because I'm on the computer when they see me it means that's all I do and I'm lazy. I start to feel that way, too, but I remind myself that I'm not doing nothing. I'm not a lazy bum just sitting at the computer all day playing games or some crap like that.
And I'm sick of dad getting upset about all the little things. Some of it I get and he's right, but other times I shut down because it's so discouraging. Can't do anything right. I have a horrible short term memory, which doesn't help so that I'll admit is my fault, but I do try. Some days I do everything that was asked of me yet there's still something wrong. And the days I forget everything, well... I'm just screwed.
I'm just venting. I'm so aggravated. I just want to get married and have my own place. I put enough pressure on myself. I don't need it from anyone else. Gah!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I've been hearing more and more people of our generation say that last bit about how we put enough pressure on ourselves and don't need it from others. I wonder if it's a sign of our times or what. If the generation before us thinks they've done so much to make our lives better and they're realizing how at our age they were already more established than most of us, having been forced to stand on their own so much younger. I think we've been given too much help in some areas and none in others. Of course, it could be situational. My point is that I love you and I'm here for you. If you need help crafting wedding crafts let me know! And if you need help with flowers don't forget my mom offered her services!
Post a Comment