I guess I was in a writing mood...

(Yes, I was in a writing mood when I wrote this entry. There was actually a whole first section that would have been fine as its own entry. There was about five pages worth here before I stopped myself and got to bed at four in the morning. This morning I decided I didn't want the world to hear me venting for three pages. And as much as this blog is meant for me to get things out, I felt it would be better to take it down. Because I've gotten it out now. It was a way for me to vent to myself, and now that I think about it, I'd rather not share it publicly. But I have not deleted it entirely. As of this morning, it is stored away as a draft in my blog, entitled "The Lost Entry (Never to have eyes lay upon it again)." So when you look at this entry in length, double it in your mind and you've got the length of the original entry. Yeah, I guess I was in a writing mood.)

Here's the second part...

Time with God (Halleluiah!)

Even though I had a rough time at work, God got me through it. I asked Him to put forgiveness in my heart so that I could continue working with Eileen. She’s not a bad person, really. She just drives me nuts sometimes. So God took as much anger out of my heart as my faith would allow Him to. And little did I know that someone else was praying for me while I was at work. I think it helped a lot. It must have, because I got through the work day without totally freaking out on someone or crying.

Then I went to youth group after work. We had a much needed, unprepared night of open and private prayer. After amazing time in worship, instead of going into his topic for the night, Pastor Rob sensed that a lot of us had to come before God with certain things that were on our hearts. So for a while, Mariah just played music and we all sat in silence, lifting up our hearts to the Lord. It was awesome! I had so much I wanted to thank God for, and so much to lay before Him. I thanked Him for His great mercy and wonderful grace. I thanked Him for being so faithful to me in my life, even when I felt so unworthy of His love. I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit that I just cried. Even during worship, tears trickled down my face as we sang words that asked God to let us be a seeking generation.

And as I thought about this generation, my heart went out to those who are in distress, who don’t know God at all. They are broken and lost, hurt and abandoned. They go through addictions of the flesh everyday. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or the outer image. There are girls starving themselves so they might look like those models on TV, in magazines, and everywhere else. Some girls cover their faces with tons of make up, some do a hundred sit-ups a day, some hide in the shadows so as not to be seen at all. Some teens have had so much sex that they don’t know what real love is supposed to be. Physical pleasure becomes a quick fix from a world that scares them, and they cling to the feel-good that takes them away from it, if only for a moment. Teenage pregnancy is on the rise, as well as abortion. Not only is abortion wrong, but what a girl's body goes through during those procedures can be permanently damaging. Sometimes girls are never able to bear children again. There are kids who come from broken homes, abusive relationships with family or girlfriends/boyfriends. Sometimes physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse. There is divorce tearing families apart. I don’t care how old you are if you go through it. Divorce sucks no matter what. There are people out there with no homes, no family, no friends. Some of them are hooked so bad on drugs or alcohol that they have no hope. They are dead inside. They can’t even look up at a beautiful, clear night sky blanketed with stars, and feel alive! The beauty all around them in nature doesn’t mean anything if they’re not drugged up. I know people like this. Some people have everything, others have nothing, and neither party is satisfied. They are depressed, feeling worthless or ugly, abandoned, and without hope.

My heart goes out to them so much. I may not have experienced all those things, but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. With pressure at school, a fear of going home, and the thought that I was unable to be truly loved by anyone, I fell into a state of depression in my sophomore year. I just felt tired all the time, saddened by the amount of work in school. Junior year I still felt ugly, even when a boy asked me out and I started getting in shape with sports. I felt better, but was still on the edge of a break down as home life got worse with my mom and dad fighting all the time. There was so much more that happened, but it is difficult to go into detail. Some of my best friends from middle school and early high school ended up getting involved with the wrong people. Their stories are not happy ones. Luckily, God blessed me with good morals and a good family to teach me right from wrong. I still messed up though. I disconnected myself from God so that I wouldn’t feel guilty crossing my boundaries, but I felt horrible anyways. There were times when I thought about what suicide was like, and that it might be nice if I could just get rid of all the pressures by leaving this world entirely. I never once acted on those thoughts. Deep down I knew I was better than that. And I would be letting a lot of people down if I left.

Anyways, I have been there, in a place I never want to revisit. Jesus Christ died so that I could live. And He didn’t die for just me, but for every soul on this planet. He is rebuilding me a little at a time, showing me how to live for Him, and by doing so I am becoming more comfortable with myself. And I think He is calling me to do great things. I just don’t know what yet. But to live the life I once did, which is a life without God, is to live a life of death and sorrow. I was never truly happy. Now I am full of joy when I hear the testimonies of others and how God changed their lives for the better. And I cry so deeply when I think of how many people are suffering and hating life. But if you are some one who is angry and lost, and happen to read this, I urge you strongly to give God a chance. Do not believe the lies about God being evil or out to hurt your heart. Those are Satan’s tricks. He wants you to feel worthless. He wants you to blame all your misery on God, when God is the one who is fighting for your soul day and night! The evil one tries to turn all good things to bad. So again, I encourage you to give God a chance, and if you are left disappointed, then by all means go back to where you were before. But I can promise that if you open your heart to Him, you will learn to trust Him, and He will not let you down. He does not want you to suffer. He loves you with all of His heart. He is the Creator of all things and He created you, too. The Lord knows you, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made by the His Holy hands. God made us in His own image. He is beautiful, and so are we because we bear His image. He does not make mistakes, and so you are not a mistake. He loves every one of His creations. It is the evil inside of us that He wages war against. He is fighting for us, fighting against that which dwells inside us and makes us feel ugly or weak or worthless. I praise the glorious name of God because He is the one who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that I could escape the horrid downward spiral I was in. Now I am blessed with more than I could hope for! Thanks be to God! Amen!