Overwhelming

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.