The Truth Will Set You Free

He is very good at using miscommunication against us. Words, sentences, sometimes whole convorsations even are misinterpreted. Because of this, anger or hurt can be given birth to. And they grow until an understanding is reached. If we don't get things settled, he just keeps using it to get his way. He just keeps feeding off of our weaknesses. And we don't even realize what he's doing most of the time because he hides himself.

Who am I talking about? Who is it that plays these tricks on us? Yes, the evil one.

The other night, Adam called my cell. We had planned to talk before bed, while making sure we would both get to bed early. He asked me what I was doing. At the time he called, I was in Kaylee's room with her and my mom. There was a show on, House, playing on my Kay's little TV. I was just sort of hanging out with them, watching the screen. I didn't know what was going on because I don't follow House, nor do I care to. I don't really watch television anymore. It doesn't catch my fancy like it used to.

Adam knows this. But when I told him that I was watching House with Kaylee and my mom, something inside him heard, "I'm busy watching your favorite show, while you have given it up to talk to me, but I will talk to you later." That is not actually what I said, but that is what was interpreted, and it hurt him. I then told him I was all ready for bed. So he said something along the lines of , "Oh, okay. I guess I'll talk to you later then." It was a very strange goodbye, but I wasn't sure why. I hadn't picked up on his hurt because I had no idea there was such a misunderstanding between us.

Later, when he called back, he was very upset. This time I picked up on it. I think he said something like, "How was House?" And I mentioned that I hadn't been paying particualr attention. Then I asked him if he was okay. He told me to wait. There was a pause. Then he came back and said that he had just needed a moment to cool down. It turns out he was actually angry when he called this time. But we figured out where the misunderstanding had been. I reassured him that I would never choose a television show over him. I would have much rather talked to him that try to figure out what was going on in a show I never watch. We both apologized for what had happened and went about our nightly, bedtime talk. Next time we will be more careful about letting Satan take his hold on us like that.

How easily we fall from Truth! That Truth was present the entire time, and yet we were deceived, fed a lie. That is how we fall. We trust a lie over Truth and get hurt. I hate evil. I wish to cling to what is good. I don't like feeling an unease between me and my love.

Let me say "I do" (to Jesus)

I should be in bed, but there is a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. It is my excuse for now. I can't help it. I am wide awake. I guess that's what happens when one sleeps until half past noon. And as it is, there is lots on my mind. And I just feel like writing. Not for long, though, because I want to uphold my end of the bargain. Urbana is coming soon and this week is needed for rest to prepare. I also hope I have something else this week, regardless of its unpleasantness, so that I do not have to put up with it AT Urbana.

I'm trying out this new font. Or at least I think it's new. I'm not really sure what font my other entries are in. Actually, I'm not even sure if they consist of serifs or not. Whatever. This will do for now.

Oh, man! God is so good! It took I while to get where I am now, and I am still struggling to get closer to where I want to be, but God is good through all I've been though and what I must eventually come to.

And now I shall close with some lyrics from a Jars of Clay song called "Only Alive":

I'm a fair weather friend
I'm a colorless view
but I'm willin' to make a deal
If you think you can make some faith here inside
I'll drive off and marry you

I'm only alive with you
I can't get by and I won't get through
So put me in the river and let me say I do
I'm only alive with you

Cherry Scented (inspired by a night with Chelsea and Craig)

A woman exited her place of work one Friday afternoon. It was lunch time, and she wanted to try out the new deli down the street, instead of the diner she jogged five blocks to everyday. The deli was only two blocks away, and so she thought that if she liked it, she would be able to sit and eat slower before rushing back to work. Her cell phone rang half way there. She dug through her purse to get it. Just in time.

"Hello?"

"Judy? Hey, this is Linda."

"Oh! Hey, Linda! How is everything?"

Linda proceeded to thank Judy for the good work she had done on the last project. Judy was slowly moving up in her field. She was pleased. She was almost at the deli place when suddenly, two hands grabbed her from behind and pulled her into a quiet side street and into the empty doorway of an out-of-business jewelery store. The hands spun her around with great strength and pushed her against the door.

Staring Judy in the face was a man in a black ski mask with a gun in one hand. She was so stunned by all this that she had nearly forgetten to scream. So she started to scream, but the man aimed the gun at her face. He threatened to kill her if she didn't cooperate, and so she stopped.

"Listen, lady," he said forcfully. "Just give me your purse and you won't get hurt."

Judy handed over her purse with a shaking hand, not saying a word. He snatched it away and began rummaging vigorously though it. Finally, without warning, he shoved it back into her arms and insisted she had never seen him. Then he ran off into the distance. Judy was still in shock and breathing heavily until she heard Linda's voice yelling into the receiver, which snapped her out of it. She moved the phone back to her ear.

"Judy? Judy???"

"Yeah, I'm here," Judy replied.

"What in the world just happened?"

"I just got mugged."

"Dear, God! Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'll-I'll call you back, Linda."

"Please do. I'm so scared for you right now."

Judy hung up with Linda and proceeded to the deli. She went inside and sat at one of the little square tables. She had been very confused as to why the man in the ski mask didn't take her whole purse. She opened it and looked inside, expecting to find a wallet or something valuable missing. To her astonishment, everything of value was still present, but she remembered having seen him take something and shove it in his pocket before she saw what it was. She decided she had been lucky enough and didn't want to dwell on something so small.

Later that night, Judy entered her appartment and was greeted by her cat, Pete. She moved to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Before getting under the covers of her warm, comfy bed, she picked up her purse, looking for the very thing that would sooth her chapped lips. But she couldn't find her cherry scented chapstick anywhere. She knew she put it in her purse because she had just purchased it that morning on her way to work. Then it dawned on her that it was her chapstick that the man in the ski mask had taken.

Judy remained baffled for weeks. But somewhere in the city there was a man whose chapped lips were healed and smelling of cherry.

Donuts, Soft and White

When my sisters and I were little, our mom would put together a Halloween party each year for us and our friends. We did something a little different every year, sometimes bringing back games from the previous year. One of the games my mom thought up involved donuts, the big, white powdery kind from the super market. I don't remember if she got the idea from somewhere else or if she was inspired by something similar, but we had a lot of fun with it.

The game started out with a two donuts hung from suspended hooks (not fishing hooks, more like plastic hangers). The object of the game was for two kids to go head-to-head in a donut-eating race. Whoever finished eating his or her donut first won a prize. What made the donut game even more challenging was that you weren't allowed to use your hands. And so you kept them behind your back while racing. It was always entertaining to watch people ty to eat donuts while the hooks swung around wildly and hit them in the face, getting white powder everywhere. (I think I'd like to do stuff like that for my kids someday.)

Why did I suddenly recall this childhood memory? I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to incorporate it into one of my artworks in the future. Most likely sculpture of some sort.

I really like sculpture.

Need Sleep (Need God More)

Something is off, but I'm not quite sure what. I went to sleep at about midnight, right after Adam left. I must've slept for only two hours before waking up suddenly, without any particular reason known to me. I sat straight up, turned to look at the clock, and fell back into my pillow. I heard Chelsea and Craig talking. Not wanting to listen in on their convorsation, I closed my eyes and tried desparately to fall back to sleep, but I just couldn't. And I couldn't help but to listen to them talk. It was a spiritual topic they were on, so I must say I was intrigued, but I felt nosey still. Then I wondered, Did God wake me up so that He could talk to me through their words. Maybe. I think I did get soething out of it, but I can't really formulate exactly what. Then I had somewhat of a coughing fit and had to get water. I knew they must've been worried with all the noise I was making. But I went straight back to the pillow, fine again.

They prayed together, out loud. In my head, I prayed along with them. Then, for some reason, I just sat straight up, staring ahead at nothing, wondering what it was that was bothering me. Chelsea asked me if I was all right. I nodded. Craig asked if my breathing was okay. I nodded again. And I just sat there for a good two minutes, sort of dazed.

I laid my head back down and for some reason I began to cry. Not sobbing or loudly expessing sadness, just some heavy tears falling. Then with my eyes closed again, I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I heard Craig playing Mary Had A Little Lamb by flicking his cheeks. They looked over smiling and joined me in laughter. Finally, they turned out the light and went to bed.

But here I am. I have not been able to sleep again. I am very much awake, though I don't know why. So by now I've gotten out of bed, sent my dad an email, and written a blog entry.

I wish I could figure out what's wrong with me lately. And, God? I miss you...

Flurries

The moment I pushed the door open to leave, I felt the chilled air surround me. It went for my hands, my ears, my face, my neck, and every other exposed place it could get to. I began to wish I had brought my scarf with me, but all that I had was a sweatshirt with a hood.

The journey home seemd much longer than usual, and all I wanted to do was get out of the cold as soon as possible. I made my way past the sculpture building, across the parking lot, and down the walkway towards the commons. I thought about retreating to the commons for warmth and food, but decided against it for whatever reason. The wind continued to sting my skin as walked.

I realized then that I was very foolish for having forgotten a scarf, and also that I should start wearing a coat. Even if I am running late for class or in a hurry to get somewhere, it would be so much more worth the effort just to take those few extra minutes to dress appropriately for the weather. But, oh, how I can't stand the cold!

And then something wonderful happened as I neared the back door of my building. I saw several small, white specks float by me. Snow flurries?! I didn't know for sure, but it was then that I saw the advantages of being cold. Sure I hate being cold, but without the cold weather, we would not have snow. I would be very sad if I never saw snow again.

When I got inside, I waited until Chelsea and Orie were ready to go to dinner. Finally, Chelsea and I headed outside to meet Orie. This time I brought a scarf. Upon exiting the building, we were captured by the millions of dancing snow flurries. They were light and gentle, and they whirled around us in the chilly wind. All the way to the commons they dazzled us with their wintery ballet.

I like snow. I am excited about the upcoming fun it has to offer, not only to me, but to everyone. And I cannot wait to see the flurries become splendid snowfalls.

Here It Comes

It was one of those moments, the kind that should've been prayed over before I said anything. But it happened. I said it. And, honestly, that is how I felt(and still do). It was probably a blah-snatch-gulp thing, only I skipped the second step in that sequence. Perhaps I am sick of waiting. Impatience is not good. Only God's timing is perfect, not my own. I don't want to jump into something that is not ready to be jumped into, like a pool without water.

So why did I not stop myself from saying it? I don't know. God does. He knew I would say it even before I did. Because He knows everything and will use everything in accordandce to His plan. I just don't know quite yet what role I am supposed to play in that plan.

Oh, my... Here it comes.

Okay, the last few entries were not very understandable for many people, I'm sure. Here's what's going on right now, something for all to understand. Although, it is very unrelated to any of the previous entries, or even what is written above.

I am sick right now. I decided this morning that I was much to weak to make it through my morning class. And although I really need to get work done, I wouldn't have been able to do much anyways in this physical state, especially since I'd be working with sharp blades. I'm pretty useless when I'm sick like this. I'm feeling better after having gotten some much needed sleep, and so I think I'll make it to my next class.

I had three dreams last night and this morning, all of the exact same thing. I deamt that I woke up and went to classes only to realize that I had forgotten my keys. That also meant that I had left the room unlocked, which meant I could still find a way into the building and just knock on the door of the suite until one of my suitemates let me in. But it was still very frustrating to have forgotten my keys. Then I would wake up into reality. Each time I told myself I would not forget my keys before leaving. The second dream was a little different in where I was in the dream, but the part about forgetting the keys stayed the same. In the third one I really thought it was real. I was so upset because I had already dreamed twice about forgetting my keys, and here I was without them. Now I am fully conscious, typing this entry. And I have not yet forgotten my keys. Crazy though... not one, not two, but THREE dreams about me forgetting my keys!

In other news...

Chelsea (my roommate) is not back yet. I found a message in my voicemail this morning from Craig explaining that they wouldn't be back Sunday. Apparently, Chels is pretty sick, too. I think we have quite a bit of partner work coming up, and I'm not sure what it is. Darn. So much work to do...

Here it comes.

le sigh...

still working on illustration... i've decided upon an all nighter.

sigh...

To the people in Corinth

I had a deam one night that he told me. The day I awoke was the day he told me the same. Since then I have dreamed another. And in it he told me even more. But this one has not yet come true. I am waiting for God's timing. The first time was his. This is no different. But I am anxious. I burn with a passion that could get me into trouble if I am not careful.

Oh, my God! Give me the strength and patience to get through this sense of longing.

Sigh... Dearest 1Corinthians...

How I Wish...

I wish I was a better listener.

I wish I was better at offering adivice.

I wish I was better at formulating opinions.

I wish I was better at being there.

I wish I was better at understanding.

I wish I was better at remembering.

I wish I was better at knowing when you were hurting.

I wish I was better at knowing why you were hurting.

I wish I was better at comforting you.

I wish I was better at paying attention.

I wish I was better at praying for you.

I wish I was better at showing you that I really do care.

I wish I was better at loving you.

I wish I was better at a lot of things.

But most of all...

I guess I just...

I wish...

I wish I was better for you.















I am so flawed.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anything.

And yet...

Praises be to my Jesus!

Slippery Meat

Today was interesting. Or maybe not as interesting as it was frustrating. This morning in illustration I had to clean the ink out of my portfolio, the ink that had been kept cleverly in little covered containers. The containers are not as good as containing as I had hoped, but they should be fine as long as I keep them flat, not upright in my portfolio. Luckily, my stippling piece had been covered with a sheet of tracing paper, which prevented ink from getting on it. For the rest of the class I mixed my values again, and then touched up my transferred imaged on the watercolor board. Chelsea and I decided we'd skip our scheduled evening class to attend Bill Thomson's evening illustration class.

After a midday math test, we headed back to the room. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I went to the commons to grab something. There wasn't much to eat since it was the in between time and the staff were getting ready for the next wave. So I ate what I could before hurrying back to the room to meet up with Chels. Then we headed out.

As we left our building, there was some guy yelling out the window for everyone to hear in sort of a chant. It was very uncomfortable to listen to because it involved him boasting about the size of his penis. It was disgusting. And it's not like I could cover my ears, because I had a massive portfolio in my hand. Sometimes I wish talking obscenely like that would count as one of those against the law, like indecent exposure or something about being offensive in public.

But then there's the whole freeom of speech thing. And yet, I don't really understand. I found this simplified description of the indecent exposure law:

Indecent exposure laws in most states make it a crime to purposefully display one's genitals in public, causing others to be alarmed or offended. Indecent exposure is often committed for the sexual gratification of the offender, and may reach the level of a sexual assault if any physical contact is made.

I see this as a way to protect the public from forcefully seeing things that they do not wish to see. But without that law, people would not have a choice as much. Sure they could look away, but they shouldn't have to be face with things like that. Of course, I am generalizing. All I'm trying to get at is that if there is a law to prevent indecent exposure visually, how can there not be something that prevents people from swearing in public or from talking about how big their "dicks" are or what great sex they had last night. I think it would at least be beneficial to stop people from yelling about it in public. Fine, talk about it all you want. I'm all for free speech, but don't tell the world how big your sexual organs are! I'm so sick of hearing about the party weekends from complete strangers when I have no chice but to listen to it. You can only tune out so much, and if someone is yelling about all the awful things they did to their body the night before, with an unnecessary swear before and after every word, it's almost impossible not to pick up on some of it. And a lot of it is really depressing to hear. All I can think is how much of the student body is killing itself with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex.

Wow. I sure got away from what I had planned to talk about. I had a sandwich from konover and the meat was very slippery and hard to eat. Okay, bedtime!

Remember, Alyssa...

This entry is actually a reminder of things I need to do this weekend, starting tomorrow. Just in case I forget something. I will be making a list of these things, but if for some reason the list gets lost or forgotten, this entry of a reminder will be available online for myself.

My weekend to-do list:

-work study (not that I would really forget that)
-buy garbage bags for dorm room
-go home to get geometry notebook from highschool (math project...)
-interview with Adam's mom fo AUC class (I should probably write those questions for it)
-two plates for design by Monday
-transfer illustration for Tuesday class
-go to Jerry's to get new set of wells for ink wash
-sculpture... crap! get card board, find out prices for paris craft and mat board
-look into prices for electric eraser
-figure out financial B.S. with Dad and the school
-tissues
-pop corn

Well, it is far past the time I had wanted to go to bed. Actually, I didn't really have a specific time, but it should have definitely been a while ago. At least I distracted myself with cleaning the room and packing. Okay so... I still haven't even packed yet, but that will be next. Then brush teeth and wash face, then sleep. Oh, man... I can't wait for the break. I need an affordable time to be lazy. Free time here is so costly. Blah! Okay! Going now!

Adam, I love you!

Illustration Major +

Ah...

Last night, I got to bed at a wonderful time. About 10:30PM. I had finished my math paper the night before so that I wouldn't have to worry about it the following night along with an illustration piece, both due today. So I finished the illustration last night at a very decent time. Then I was able to get ready for bed and cuddle up with my dear, Adam. I fell asleep fairly soon. The only time I awoke was around midnight when he had to leave. I got about eight or nine hours of sleep total. It felt great! I would like to get more sleep like that if I can help it.

So anyways... I had my critique this morning in illustration. It went exactly how I thought it would. I was not at all into the piece, not happy with my technique, not content with the values, and unsure how to resolve the hair on the girl in the picture. I liked the composition, but overall, I didn't like the outcome of the piece. And as Chelsea and I walked to class, I predicted just how my crit would go. I would tell the class that I wasn't very satisfied with the piece, and they would like it anyways. And that is what happened. I explained how I felt about it as best I could, but my teacher said he didn't agree with me. My classmates took his side and said they didn't know what I was talking about. The only thing he said that needed fixing was the hair. So, at least I don't have to go back into it too much, especially since I didn't enjoy working on it. Whatever.

Okay. Something somewhat unrelated that has been on my mind: what should I major in? What do I want to focus on while I'm here at the very expensive University of Hartford? What field am I most likely to find a job in? What can I do for a living and still have fun with?

All these kinds of questions had been haunting me (ha ha... Halloween-ish reference) for some time. I talked to my advisor last week about majoring in illustration and minoring in design. So I figured out my possible schedule for next semester (after I talked to him, had to go back for approval). But I came to the realization that I don't really like design that much, even though it would be a smart choice for my career path. I'm just not into sitting in front of a computer for hours straight. And I'm slow at it because I don't have a great handle on the programs. My other thought was to minor in sculpture because I like to build things and work with my hands. But I know I have no future in sculpture. So I finally figured out that I'm going to stick with design and get what I can out of it while I'm here. And even if I don't go anywhere with it, I'm sure the things I learn in design will not go to waste. I can apply it to other aspects of my future career. And maybe I can even do small jobs with it that knowledge. Like flyers for businesses or clubs or whatever. I've done stuff like that before for people I know. Very small, simple things, like just conveying information to people.

So when I came to that thought, it was easier for me to tell my advisor I was going to stick with the design minor. And what the heck? I can still do other things outside of my major or minor without having a concentration in it. Like sculpture. I like it enough where I can probably do it on the side. Maybe as a hobby. And I know somewhat how to paint if I wanted to.

Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Or work on my stippling piece for the showcase on Thursday.

Good night.

"Spending Time"

Just so happens that my schedule is empty
But still there's no room for You
The time has come and gone
Things have come along that take me away from you
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?
When we first met I remember I'd do anything for You
But as the years go by
I let my attentions slide
And I'm pulling away from You
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that
You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?

These are the lyrics from a Stellar Kart song. They may not be deep or profound, but I can relate to them. I think that is what I like the most about my favorite Christian bands. Not only are they clean songs to listen to, but they make it clear that Christians are not perfect. I know that I am far from perfect. I can try to be a good person, but if it is not for God, then there is something missing from my life. I go through each day with good intentions, but lately I have felt far away from God. And it hurts. I feel empty. Passionless.

This song does not speak to me as much as some songs do, but having listened to it a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I've been doing exactly what the song mentions. When I do have free time in my busy college schedule, I tend to do everything except spend time with the One person who created me, the One who holds the plans of my life. I don't know what happened to the girl who was once so on fire for God and was willing to go where ever He sent her, but I wish she would come back, even if just for a visit so that I might experience true joy of the heart again.

My roommate and I had started the year doing daily devotionals, but we eventually fell out of that routine. It's sad really. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like back when I was Catholic (and I'm not downing Catholics; I just found a different path for my spiritual journey). Although, I still get more out of church now than I did back then. I dunno. I'm just meandering through the siritual flatlands right now.

Anyways... Stellar Kart. Cool band. Fun music. Yeah.

Overwhelming

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.

You spent how much on what???

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.

Stupid Blogger Text Box!!!

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry. I selected all the text once I was finished to copy what I had written so that if something happened to it during publishing, I would be able to paste it again. Okay, so I practice my keyboard shortcut knowledge. Stupid, I know. Not the time to be practicing stuff. But it seemed simple enough! Press SELECT and press the down arrow key, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. NOPE! Not on Blogger! Instead (and I just tested it on this box of text... after copying it the way I know how first) it erases everything!!! What the heck!

GRRR!!! Now what happened??? I was in the middle of typing and something randomly erased the last thing I typed! Ok... I'm going to work on my illustration now! Oh, yeah. No one reading this knows what that means or where it came from because that entry is now gone. I'm so aggrivated right now! Stupid technology!

Got milk? No, actually... I don't.

This is the first time I've ever had to drink my tea without milk. The honey is there, but there is no milk present because I've not had the chance to go to Konover to get some. It's hard to keep up on every little thing when you're at college. Whatever. I've still got my tea, and even though it tastes strange without its cool, white companion, I think I'll manage. I must learn to cope with things that don't always go my way. Not always will I have the things I desire at my fingertips, but then again, they are just my desires. They are not necessities (sp?).

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get back to work on my illustration project and I've been slacking on it all night. I want to get some sleep before tomorrow's math test, but that won't happen until this drawing gets done.

Woo hoo! Tomorrow's Thursday, my favorite day of the week! And for additional reasons this time...

I Wasn't Ready

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.