Here It Comes

It was one of those moments, the kind that should've been prayed over before I said anything. But it happened. I said it. And, honestly, that is how I felt(and still do). It was probably a blah-snatch-gulp thing, only I skipped the second step in that sequence. Perhaps I am sick of waiting. Impatience is not good. Only God's timing is perfect, not my own. I don't want to jump into something that is not ready to be jumped into, like a pool without water.

So why did I not stop myself from saying it? I don't know. God does. He knew I would say it even before I did. Because He knows everything and will use everything in accordandce to His plan. I just don't know quite yet what role I am supposed to play in that plan.

Oh, my... Here it comes.

Okay, the last few entries were not very understandable for many people, I'm sure. Here's what's going on right now, something for all to understand. Although, it is very unrelated to any of the previous entries, or even what is written above.

I am sick right now. I decided this morning that I was much to weak to make it through my morning class. And although I really need to get work done, I wouldn't have been able to do much anyways in this physical state, especially since I'd be working with sharp blades. I'm pretty useless when I'm sick like this. I'm feeling better after having gotten some much needed sleep, and so I think I'll make it to my next class.

I had three dreams last night and this morning, all of the exact same thing. I deamt that I woke up and went to classes only to realize that I had forgotten my keys. That also meant that I had left the room unlocked, which meant I could still find a way into the building and just knock on the door of the suite until one of my suitemates let me in. But it was still very frustrating to have forgotten my keys. Then I would wake up into reality. Each time I told myself I would not forget my keys before leaving. The second dream was a little different in where I was in the dream, but the part about forgetting the keys stayed the same. In the third one I really thought it was real. I was so upset because I had already dreamed twice about forgetting my keys, and here I was without them. Now I am fully conscious, typing this entry. And I have not yet forgotten my keys. Crazy though... not one, not two, but THREE dreams about me forgetting my keys!

In other news...

Chelsea (my roommate) is not back yet. I found a message in my voicemail this morning from Craig explaining that they wouldn't be back Sunday. Apparently, Chels is pretty sick, too. I think we have quite a bit of partner work coming up, and I'm not sure what it is. Darn. So much work to do...

Here it comes.

le sigh...

still working on illustration... i've decided upon an all nighter.

sigh...

To the people in Corinth

I had a deam one night that he told me. The day I awoke was the day he told me the same. Since then I have dreamed another. And in it he told me even more. But this one has not yet come true. I am waiting for God's timing. The first time was his. This is no different. But I am anxious. I burn with a passion that could get me into trouble if I am not careful.

Oh, my God! Give me the strength and patience to get through this sense of longing.

Sigh... Dearest 1Corinthians...

How I Wish...

I wish I was a better listener.

I wish I was better at offering adivice.

I wish I was better at formulating opinions.

I wish I was better at being there.

I wish I was better at understanding.

I wish I was better at remembering.

I wish I was better at knowing when you were hurting.

I wish I was better at knowing why you were hurting.

I wish I was better at comforting you.

I wish I was better at paying attention.

I wish I was better at praying for you.

I wish I was better at showing you that I really do care.

I wish I was better at loving you.

I wish I was better at a lot of things.

But most of all...

I guess I just...

I wish...

I wish I was better for you.















I am so flawed.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anything.

And yet...

Praises be to my Jesus!

Slippery Meat

Today was interesting. Or maybe not as interesting as it was frustrating. This morning in illustration I had to clean the ink out of my portfolio, the ink that had been kept cleverly in little covered containers. The containers are not as good as containing as I had hoped, but they should be fine as long as I keep them flat, not upright in my portfolio. Luckily, my stippling piece had been covered with a sheet of tracing paper, which prevented ink from getting on it. For the rest of the class I mixed my values again, and then touched up my transferred imaged on the watercolor board. Chelsea and I decided we'd skip our scheduled evening class to attend Bill Thomson's evening illustration class.

After a midday math test, we headed back to the room. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I went to the commons to grab something. There wasn't much to eat since it was the in between time and the staff were getting ready for the next wave. So I ate what I could before hurrying back to the room to meet up with Chels. Then we headed out.

As we left our building, there was some guy yelling out the window for everyone to hear in sort of a chant. It was very uncomfortable to listen to because it involved him boasting about the size of his penis. It was disgusting. And it's not like I could cover my ears, because I had a massive portfolio in my hand. Sometimes I wish talking obscenely like that would count as one of those against the law, like indecent exposure or something about being offensive in public.

But then there's the whole freeom of speech thing. And yet, I don't really understand. I found this simplified description of the indecent exposure law:

Indecent exposure laws in most states make it a crime to purposefully display one's genitals in public, causing others to be alarmed or offended. Indecent exposure is often committed for the sexual gratification of the offender, and may reach the level of a sexual assault if any physical contact is made.

I see this as a way to protect the public from forcefully seeing things that they do not wish to see. But without that law, people would not have a choice as much. Sure they could look away, but they shouldn't have to be face with things like that. Of course, I am generalizing. All I'm trying to get at is that if there is a law to prevent indecent exposure visually, how can there not be something that prevents people from swearing in public or from talking about how big their "dicks" are or what great sex they had last night. I think it would at least be beneficial to stop people from yelling about it in public. Fine, talk about it all you want. I'm all for free speech, but don't tell the world how big your sexual organs are! I'm so sick of hearing about the party weekends from complete strangers when I have no chice but to listen to it. You can only tune out so much, and if someone is yelling about all the awful things they did to their body the night before, with an unnecessary swear before and after every word, it's almost impossible not to pick up on some of it. And a lot of it is really depressing to hear. All I can think is how much of the student body is killing itself with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex.

Wow. I sure got away from what I had planned to talk about. I had a sandwich from konover and the meat was very slippery and hard to eat. Okay, bedtime!

Remember, Alyssa...

This entry is actually a reminder of things I need to do this weekend, starting tomorrow. Just in case I forget something. I will be making a list of these things, but if for some reason the list gets lost or forgotten, this entry of a reminder will be available online for myself.

My weekend to-do list:

-work study (not that I would really forget that)
-buy garbage bags for dorm room
-go home to get geometry notebook from highschool (math project...)
-interview with Adam's mom fo AUC class (I should probably write those questions for it)
-two plates for design by Monday
-transfer illustration for Tuesday class
-go to Jerry's to get new set of wells for ink wash
-sculpture... crap! get card board, find out prices for paris craft and mat board
-look into prices for electric eraser
-figure out financial B.S. with Dad and the school
-tissues
-pop corn

Well, it is far past the time I had wanted to go to bed. Actually, I didn't really have a specific time, but it should have definitely been a while ago. At least I distracted myself with cleaning the room and packing. Okay so... I still haven't even packed yet, but that will be next. Then brush teeth and wash face, then sleep. Oh, man... I can't wait for the break. I need an affordable time to be lazy. Free time here is so costly. Blah! Okay! Going now!

Adam, I love you!

Illustration Major +

Ah...

Last night, I got to bed at a wonderful time. About 10:30PM. I had finished my math paper the night before so that I wouldn't have to worry about it the following night along with an illustration piece, both due today. So I finished the illustration last night at a very decent time. Then I was able to get ready for bed and cuddle up with my dear, Adam. I fell asleep fairly soon. The only time I awoke was around midnight when he had to leave. I got about eight or nine hours of sleep total. It felt great! I would like to get more sleep like that if I can help it.

So anyways... I had my critique this morning in illustration. It went exactly how I thought it would. I was not at all into the piece, not happy with my technique, not content with the values, and unsure how to resolve the hair on the girl in the picture. I liked the composition, but overall, I didn't like the outcome of the piece. And as Chelsea and I walked to class, I predicted just how my crit would go. I would tell the class that I wasn't very satisfied with the piece, and they would like it anyways. And that is what happened. I explained how I felt about it as best I could, but my teacher said he didn't agree with me. My classmates took his side and said they didn't know what I was talking about. The only thing he said that needed fixing was the hair. So, at least I don't have to go back into it too much, especially since I didn't enjoy working on it. Whatever.

Okay. Something somewhat unrelated that has been on my mind: what should I major in? What do I want to focus on while I'm here at the very expensive University of Hartford? What field am I most likely to find a job in? What can I do for a living and still have fun with?

All these kinds of questions had been haunting me (ha ha... Halloween-ish reference) for some time. I talked to my advisor last week about majoring in illustration and minoring in design. So I figured out my possible schedule for next semester (after I talked to him, had to go back for approval). But I came to the realization that I don't really like design that much, even though it would be a smart choice for my career path. I'm just not into sitting in front of a computer for hours straight. And I'm slow at it because I don't have a great handle on the programs. My other thought was to minor in sculpture because I like to build things and work with my hands. But I know I have no future in sculpture. So I finally figured out that I'm going to stick with design and get what I can out of it while I'm here. And even if I don't go anywhere with it, I'm sure the things I learn in design will not go to waste. I can apply it to other aspects of my future career. And maybe I can even do small jobs with it that knowledge. Like flyers for businesses or clubs or whatever. I've done stuff like that before for people I know. Very small, simple things, like just conveying information to people.

So when I came to that thought, it was easier for me to tell my advisor I was going to stick with the design minor. And what the heck? I can still do other things outside of my major or minor without having a concentration in it. Like sculpture. I like it enough where I can probably do it on the side. Maybe as a hobby. And I know somewhat how to paint if I wanted to.

Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Or work on my stippling piece for the showcase on Thursday.

Good night.

"Spending Time"

Just so happens that my schedule is empty
But still there's no room for You
The time has come and gone
Things have come along that take me away from you
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?
When we first met I remember I'd do anything for You
But as the years go by
I let my attentions slide
And I'm pulling away from You
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that
You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?

These are the lyrics from a Stellar Kart song. They may not be deep or profound, but I can relate to them. I think that is what I like the most about my favorite Christian bands. Not only are they clean songs to listen to, but they make it clear that Christians are not perfect. I know that I am far from perfect. I can try to be a good person, but if it is not for God, then there is something missing from my life. I go through each day with good intentions, but lately I have felt far away from God. And it hurts. I feel empty. Passionless.

This song does not speak to me as much as some songs do, but having listened to it a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I've been doing exactly what the song mentions. When I do have free time in my busy college schedule, I tend to do everything except spend time with the One person who created me, the One who holds the plans of my life. I don't know what happened to the girl who was once so on fire for God and was willing to go where ever He sent her, but I wish she would come back, even if just for a visit so that I might experience true joy of the heart again.

My roommate and I had started the year doing daily devotionals, but we eventually fell out of that routine. It's sad really. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like back when I was Catholic (and I'm not downing Catholics; I just found a different path for my spiritual journey). Although, I still get more out of church now than I did back then. I dunno. I'm just meandering through the siritual flatlands right now.

Anyways... Stellar Kart. Cool band. Fun music. Yeah.

Overwhelming

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.

You spent how much on what???

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.

Stupid Blogger Text Box!!!

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry. I selected all the text once I was finished to copy what I had written so that if something happened to it during publishing, I would be able to paste it again. Okay, so I practice my keyboard shortcut knowledge. Stupid, I know. Not the time to be practicing stuff. But it seemed simple enough! Press SELECT and press the down arrow key, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. NOPE! Not on Blogger! Instead (and I just tested it on this box of text... after copying it the way I know how first) it erases everything!!! What the heck!

GRRR!!! Now what happened??? I was in the middle of typing and something randomly erased the last thing I typed! Ok... I'm going to work on my illustration now! Oh, yeah. No one reading this knows what that means or where it came from because that entry is now gone. I'm so aggrivated right now! Stupid technology!

Got milk? No, actually... I don't.

This is the first time I've ever had to drink my tea without milk. The honey is there, but there is no milk present because I've not had the chance to go to Konover to get some. It's hard to keep up on every little thing when you're at college. Whatever. I've still got my tea, and even though it tastes strange without its cool, white companion, I think I'll manage. I must learn to cope with things that don't always go my way. Not always will I have the things I desire at my fingertips, but then again, they are just my desires. They are not necessities (sp?).

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get back to work on my illustration project and I've been slacking on it all night. I want to get some sleep before tomorrow's math test, but that won't happen until this drawing gets done.

Woo hoo! Tomorrow's Thursday, my favorite day of the week! And for additional reasons this time...

I Wasn't Ready

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.

An Answer to Prayer

Now listening to the Flyleaf album. I really like this band. It's not often I come across music on my own that I both enjoy the style and lyrics. And the melodies are very catchy. I also like the guitar riffs. Anyways...

I noticed last night that I haven't been having the wierd body spasms when I try to sleep. For some time over the summer I would start to fall asleep and randomly, without warning, my body would shake. It started out very small a couple years ago and only happened once in a while when I would get very sleepy. It was more common on the nights that I was pushing myself to stay awake. When I started twitching, I knew it was time to go to sleep. Eventually, these twitches went away, but started happening again over this past summer. They actually started scaring me when they prevented me from sleeping. That only occurred that badly a few times, but when it did, I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired. Everytime I would start to fall asleep, my body would spasm so hard I was forced to stay awake.

One of those bad nights happened once while I was back here at school. I was so afraid it was going to stay that way during the year. Then last night, I became aware that I haven't been twitching at all lately. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but I'm very happy that it hasn't been a problem. I don't know if the spasms will start up again in the future, but for now I just need to try to go to bed at decent times, or at least not pull all nighters anymore.

I really don't know why it stopped. I know I had prayed about it before, but I have a feeling someone else was praying for me, too. Praise God for his faithfulness! Praise be to His glorious name! I am ever so more convinced that God answers prayer, especially when they are from the heart.

A Curly-Hair Day

It's kind of rainy outside right now. It is not actually raining, but the ground is wet and the sky is pale and overcast, suggesting that more rain will come. I am not even going to attempt straightening my hair today. Not that straightening my hair is that important to me. I just like to do it once in a while, but the weather somethings decides whether or not I should. Today is a curly-hair day. Some girls would call it a frizzy-hair day. The moisture in the air makes it difficult to do anything with one's hair, especially if hairspray is not involved. I don't like to use hairspray. I have hairspray but...

Today will be a curly-frizzy-hair day.

Chelsea just got out of the shower. We're listening to music this morning. We listened to it all night, a shuffled list of songs that kept playing up until now. And it is still going. Ah... music. It's so nice. The Wallflowers are serenading us for the moment. On top of a good morning, it is a Thursay morning, so we know that the weekend is very near. Not only that, but it begins as soon as our last class is over today, at 3:20. "It's Friday!" Chelsea exclaimed this morning. I pumped my fist in joy. Okay, time to get ready for Illustrastion class.

Dot...dot...dot...

So Wonderful Is Nothing

You were created.
Wonderfully.
And you are.
Wonderful.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.
Come home.
So I can stop.
Missing you.
I know you.
Have not been gone.
For too long.

But still.
You are.
Wonderful.
And I miss.
You.
And think nothing.
Blah!
For now.

My eyes.
Are just blue.
Crystals.
For you.
To look through.
And you know.
So well.
What goes on.
In there.

And what.
Was this?
Typeface.
Who bid farewell?
Upon arrival.
Very well.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.

Billy and Susie

He waved a pickle in my face, and so I scrunched up my nose in disgust. With a laugh he drew it back and popped it in his mouth. Why does he do that? I wondered. I don't taunt him with the things he hates, like the color pink. I'd had enough of his insensitivity. I pushed my back in my chair to leave. I wasn't hungry anyway. Billy's expression suddenly became one of concern.

"Wait," he said.
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
"I..." he trailed off.

I could see he was searching for the words to say. But I was fed up and didn't feel like waiting around for his apology. I rolled my eyes and headed for the door, but something prevented me from moving forward. He had grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him, tugging to get away, but he held me firmly. His eyes were fixed on mine. I had never seen that look on him before, and so I stopped struggling. As I sat back down, he pushed my chair in like a gentleman, which was something else I would never expect from him.

"I'm sorry, Susie," he said. "Really."
"Then why do you act that way?" I asked skeptically.
"I just..." he trailed off again.
"Tell me! You just what?"
"I just didn't want you to find out that I..." He looked down, as if contemplating. He looked up and retuned his gazed to my eyes. "...that I really like you."

It took a moment for me to process this new information. Then I said, "Yeah, okay! Pull that on some other girl. One who's a little more naive. Now let go of me!" Without waiting for his response, I jerked my arm out of his grasp and ran out the door.

I heard a commotion behind me. Billy had tried to follow, but the waitress started yelling at him for not paying the bill. I found out later that two bus-boys had tackled him before he made it to the door, and that a woman's table had gotten knocked over, spilling food all over.

That same woman, I heard, had gotten hot coffee spilt on her and sued the diner for making the coffee too hot. She also sued the company that made the styrofoam cup the coffee was in, claiming the top was not made to fit right (and that's why the coffee spilled in the first place). She also sued the company who made the table she was sitting at because the table was not made sturdy enough to withstand three men falling onto it, and that caused her food to crash to the floor, splattering her in the eyes. In addition to suing the diner for making the coffee too hot, she sued them for not making the food right, and for making it too splatter-prone.

I had a nice evening once I left that diner.

Thursday To Be the New Friday?

It's been a while since I've updated, I know. Actually, I probably won't be updating that much in the near future. I'm back at school, the University of Hartford, and with school comes much work, as well as social time with friends. I am in my dorm room right now, just got back from my illustration class. Soon I'll be off to Gengras Student Union for lunch with my amazing roommate, Chelsea. Then we'll be off to math class. Blah...

Well, since my last update a lot has happened, but I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I got to move back in earlier than most people because I volunteered to be one of Howie's Helpers. Howie is the mascot of our school, a hawk. Howie's Helpers is the name of the move-in crew that helps freshmen and their parents unload their cars when they move in and bring their stuff to where they are staying. It was quite rainy that weekend.

The first week of classes was fairly easy as we were introduced to new teachers and each of their syllabuses. My Tuesday night honors class, I realized, was going to be way over my head, and so I dropped it as soon as possible and added another course. Now I'm in Adult Journey with Chels.

It's kind of funny, me and Chels being art majors living together. On Tuesdays now we have every class together: Illustration, Math, and Adult Journey. Thursday is the same thing, only without Adult Journey because it meets once a week. On Mondays and Wednesdays we have all different classes, but they meet at the exact same times. It's nice that way because we'll be less likely to get sick of each other.

Anyways, today is Thursday. Thursday has always been my favorite day of the week, and now it is even more so. Why? Because I don't have Friday classes! Woo Hoo! Now, Thursday becomes the beginning of my weekend and Friday is just like another Saturday. So, in a sense, Thursday is my new Friday. Actually, a lot of my friends don't have classes on Friday.

Now I can work as late as I want and not have to worry about waking up early. Or I can go to bed early and wake up at a decent time to start homework. OR I can just stay up, hang out with friends, go to bed really late without doing work, and sleep in. Whatever.

Well, by now I've already gone to GSU for lunch with Chels, and have come back from math class. And so my weekend begins!

A Little Look At Love

[This entry took me a while to finish, but here it is. Inspired by the many AIM and facebook profiles I've read.]

I wish people wouldn't use the word "love" so loosely. Love is more than just a strong liking for something or someone. Even the main definitions from dictionary.com seems empty when it comes to love. Or at least I'm a bit disappointed by it.


1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

I've seen enough relationships throughout high school to learn a few things. A love-hate relationship where a boy and girl do nothing but fight, break-up, have sex, and get back together is not a real relationship at all. It becomes a physical and emotional game, leaving both parties confused, numbed to actual love, or empty with only a temporary solution, which in most cases is a physical, sexual one. Or perhaps they have become so accustomed to having a boyfriend/girlfriend that they just don't know what to do with themselves when they are apart.

So I ask you, how is that love? Isn't love supposed to leave you feeling satisfied always, full of joy and peace, and without anxiety? I don't understand relationships that seem to be going so well that the couple says how much they love one another... every five minutes. They are always together, never spending time with friends anymore. Because suddenly, this other person is more important than school, family, friends, and other priorites. They spend every waking moment together. It's almost sickening. But they "love" each other. They care about one another. So much so that they must constantly be aware of where the other one is going.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Then before they part for the expected two minutes, they embrace and kiss. Upon return, "I missed you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The word love loses its meaning and it becomes just that... a word. Eventually, one party starts to feel suffocated by the perpetual outward affections, which aren't affections at all but insecurities. It becomes too much and that person misses his or her friends and family. And college is right around the corner. How can there be a relationship that involves so much time and still be time for school work? Eventually, there is break-up. The party receiving the news of separation can react in a few ways. They might fall into a depression, a stage of self-pity. There is suddenly no one else on the earth who will love him/her. They have nothing. Or perhaps they go into a state of anger and accusation against the person who did the breaking up. Where did the love go? I thought you guys couldn't get enough of each other. Now, you're yelling and screaming, saying how much you hate each other. Or maybe the broken-hearted party spreads the aweful break-up to friends, looking for comfort in other people, and for them to take sides and believe that he/she has truly been wronged.

These are just examples, of course. But they are based on much of what I have seen in relationships today. Where is the love? Is it really loving someone if you are afraid they might fall down the stairs every time they go to the kitchen for a drink? And is it really loving them if you can't let them out of your sight for a second?

What about those girls who see a "hot" guy and instantly "fall in love" with him? Sure, you can find someone attractive, maybe be infatuated with their smile and cool clothing style, but that isn't love. THAT is what I might call a strong like. Liking can be temporary. It is not love. Or what about the guys who drool over the models in magazines. They fall in love with a girl's body, rather than the girl. How easy it is for a guy to tell a girl he loves her with words. Yeah, maybe he thinks she's a nice girl with a cute face, but her body isn't as appealing as that other girl's. And he doesn't really agree with her ideas about saving the rain forest.

But girls can be the same way. I've had a lot of girl friends who judge guys based on their looks or talents. "Oh, I don't like him. He has a big nose." Or "He's so scrawny and has no muscle. And his teeth are crooked! Gross!" Or "I like him. He has a nice car!" Or "He's so cool! He's in a band. He plays guitar and drums and he has awesome piercings!" Or the most repulsive form of judgement, "I bet he has a big dick! Just look at his feet!" Blah blah blah... It's all garbage. NOT love. I don't even think it's considerate or caring of people in anyway to decide whether you even like them or not. Again, where is the love? Do you even get a vibe from people like this that says love? Or does it say infatuation?

As far as sexual passion, sexual intercourse, or a love affair being an equivallent to love, as mentioned in the above definitions, I must disagree. Sure, there can be passion in sex. It's in movies and on tv all the time. And certainly sexual intercourse itself is the act of a man and woman (or what have you) coming together to... have sex. But to have sex does not mean love is present. The phrase "make love" is a more romantic way of saying to have sex, but you can't actually make love out of sex.

Do the men who pay for prostitutes actually love them? And do the prostitutes truly love the clients they sleep with? Just the fact that they are clients, people who pay them for a service, just shows that for them sex is a business. (I'm not putting down prostitutes. I feel horrible for what they go through every day. I wish they didn't have to sell themselves like they do.) And the pimps who sell them don't love them. Not really. It's all about money. "Oh, you have a vagina, do you? Why don't you use it to make me some money, and maybe I'll give you a place to stay." How horrible that is! That is not love! That is possession! It is abusing something that was meant to be precious.

I don't think I even need to explain a love affair. I can assure you that having an affair might work out for the one in it, but the one being cheated on sure isn't feeling the love. And when things boil down, no one is left happy. There is only mistrust and hurt, maybe separation and divorce. These things do not come from real love.

"An intense emotional attachment..." I don't know about you, but that seems more like a definition for obsession. Sure, I care about my pets. I could even go as far as to say I love them. They are part of the family. But when it comes to real love, they are still just animals. And of course I hope nothing bad happens to them. When driving, I avoid hitting squirrels at all costs. It hurts my heart to hear how some people treat animals. Animal cruelty really gets to me. And maybe is it just that I care deeply for the living things God put on this earth. If it is love, it certainly is a different kind. But I shall not get into that, either. This topic of love is all to broad. But I know that to love material items is not real love. Things cannot satisfy the heart, nor can people. But people, in my opinion, have a better chance at filling the void in someone's life than animals or things do. Aah! Moving on... this entry is getting way to long!

My impression of love is something that should be unconditional. Like the way a parent loves a child. (That is an entirely different topic I will not discuss here and now. I know not all parents show love toward their children, but for my point's sake, consider the traditional family set up if you would.) To truly care about someone is to let them be themselves, forgive them when they do wrong, help them in their times of need. It should be an outward and inward act more than an emotional feeling or attraction one gets toward someone. Even my own interpretation of it is bothering me here. So I shall turn to the most reliable of my sources. A book that is so simple and so profound that it can be looked to for all of life's questions and concerns. And it comes from the Creator Himself. Bible time!

Some passages I found involving love:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:9-16)

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1Corinthians 13:1-8)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13:13)

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1John 2:15-17)

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death... This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1John 3:14, 16-18)

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us... And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1John 4:7-12, 16-21)

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
(Joel 2:13)

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Proverbs 17:9)

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17)

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
(Proverbs 27:5)

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
(Solomon's Song 2:7)

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
(Solomon's Song 8:6-7)

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
(Hosea 2:7)

The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, "You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you."
(Hosea 3:1-3)

Again I must tell you this is a very broad topic. There are different kinds of love. Love for a spouse, love for friends, love for family, love for God. But all these things come from the Lord. God is love, and therefore we are able to love. So when I hear people use the word love so carelessly, it takes away the realness of it. I see the their profiles and whatnot. Things like, "I love to get drunk!" Or "Steve, I love you, baby!" A week later it is replaced by "Steve's an asshole. I love Brian!" And how it hurts me to hear kids tell their parents they hate them. To say you love someone is simply verbal. To act upon love is something better. And I don't mean to act upon sexual urges, for even that is not the essence of love. Well, the Bible is pretty clear on what love is and how we must love and who we must love. These have been my thoughts on the matter.

Peace and...love!