Post Spring Break

"Porcelain Heart"
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

[Chorus:]You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

-Barlow Girl


I like that song, like most of the songs by Barlow Girl. I've kinda been singing this one in particular to myself lately. I guess I know why. Well, as some of you know, I was going out with this amazing guy, CJ. Yeah... He broke up with me the other night. But I'm okay with it... I think. At least I should be. I mean I'm not mad about his decision in anyway, but I really wasn't ready for it, and I didn't expect it so soon. I hadn't really picked up on any tension between us, but it is what it is. He's an amazing guy though, so it'll be cool to still be friends.

And a couple things that came of it are that I can focus just on school... and God. And I gained a close friend.
Actually, I've been feeling really strange lately, not like myself. I had an amazing Spring break with my friends and family the first part of the week. Then I had a blast in PA hanging out with CJ and his family. But even then, I dunno...

I love IVCF, of couse, but I can't help but going through these thoughts lately. Sometimes I'm like "How can God NOT exsist?! He's so awesome and everything is great even with the bad!"
But then other times I start to feel like I did a long time ago, before I was saved...when I stopped believing in God altogether. I don't want that to happen again! I need to believe so I can get through my days, especially the bad ones, knowing that I have a purpose and that God's always got a plan. Actually, I feel like crying right now, just for writing that. But I can't figure out this slump I'm in. Maybe it's just all the stress I've been feeling.

Speaking of stress and crying... Yesterday in my 2D class, the morning right after the night Cj broke up with me, I was doing okay. I was still a bit shook up from that, but I hadn't cried or anything, and I thought I was fine. I guess it hadn't completely sunk in. So, anyway... I had breakfast with some of my classmates before class, not talking much, just thinking. Then we got to the studio after having joked around and laughing on the way. Then I started thinking about all the work I had coming up: a 3D project due the next day along with 6 sketches for the next project, deciding on a good tool to do for drawing class the next morning, finding someone to interview on Vietnam for a big paper due Monday, and a doctor's appointment that day after art history which would take a good amount of time out of the day. Also, I had the Worship night on my mind, hoping we could get it worked out in time.

So I had all those things on my mind. Then I realized that someone I cared about a lot, who had made me feel so special, who would visit me in the studio when I would've been more stressed than if he wasn't there, who let me work on my mid-term still life in his room for 3 days straight, who I had just spent an amazing weekend with, just confessed he didn't want to be with me anymore. I guess that kinda sent me over the edge. Right before class even started, I felt the tears build up behind my eyes, so I ran to the bathroroom to calm myself down and pray. I tried to hide my face with my hair, but I think some people noticed anyway that my composure wasn't normal. But anyways, I sat at the computer to work on my ligatures, feeling very drained and not wanting to be there. I tried to keep myself collected, but everyonce in a while, I would retreat to the bathroom so as not to explode in class and disrupt everyone. I would just hang on to the sink or go into a stall to let out some sobs and tears for a few minutes. Then I would recollect myself at the sink, readjust my hair near my eyes, and return to work.
During the break, I sat outside and my friends gave me hugs to make me feel better. I love them all. Although, it was kind of funny when my friend Matt, who didn't know what was going on, came over and started playing a really sad-sounding song on harmonica. It just seemed to fit the mood I was in, so I broke down, sobbing everything I had left. I think I even tried to say a sentence which came out only in sobs, because they all started laughing at me, not trying to be mean of course, but it must've sounded ridiculous!

Anyways... so the entire day I just felt sad and drained. I didn't feel like eating lunch or being bouncy. And to add to it, I had my follow up at the doctor's, which didn't go very well in the sense that I hadn't been taking my medicine like I was supposed to, which was the whole point of the follow up: to see how the medicine was working. She wasn't very happy with that. So now I have another follow up in two weeks, meaning I have to take the medicine regularly now, and I hate it.

But today, I was feeling much better, though I still can't seem to stop feeling sad. I hope I come out of it soon because it's effecting my appetite and confidence in classes. I haven't been hungry much for anything and I've actually had to force myself to eat lately. I wasn't even in the mood for ice cream last night!

Some of the good things about yesterday:
-Saw my dad and got my interview with him
-Lauren came for the ride to the doctor's and we talked about famous architecture
-the doors to my dorm were both open like all day
-sat with Sammi, Dan, and their friend at dinner (and CJ came later)
-finished my 3D project early- like 10pm!
-Chelsea and Craig suprised me with flowers and candy
-Went to bed early- in bed by 12!

*sigh* Again, another very long entry from me, but this time I couldn't help it! A lot has happened. Today was better, but still kind of not good, even though the weather was amazing and I had fun with friends. If anyone can give me any advice on what to do about this feeling of saddness, I would appreciate it. Or any verses or qoutes to think about would be nice, too.

Thanx for reading if you did. Peace and love.