Unintended Eating Disorder?

The last time I was weighed at the doctor, at the end of June, I was down from 121 to 109. I didn't really know why there was such a decrease. I hadn't consciously changed my diet or anything. Honestly (and sadly), my summer has been spent mostly on the computer. Part of the reason is that I'm taking an online class, which I put a lot of time into. Other than that, I just haven't had much to do. I don't have a job this summer, and I don't usually have a vehicle available to go anywhere with because my sisters and dad all work during the day. And most of my friends have jobs during the week so I don't really see them. When the weekend comes, I am with Adam. That usually means I am in Rocky Hill with him. Even when we stay in Wolcott, there are errands to be done and decisions to be made about where and when to do things together. On occassion, there are family events and such. So weekends are extremely busy while weekdays are extremely uneventful.

I guess the only time I really eat a lot is when I'm Adam or friends or family. When I'm by myself, I get caught up in whatever it is I'm doing without paying much attention to time or what my body needs, unless it is in need of the bathroom. But I actually got really scared the other day. I was at Adam's house on a weekday, but there was no one home during the day. I was working on my online course, and just writing a lot in a notebook, things on my mind that needed to be sorted out.

I did get up to get a cup of yogurt for breakfast, but that was it until Adam came home at about 4:00. Even then we didn't eat right away. We both wanted to take showers before his friends came over to discuss the canoeing trip coming up. We decided I would go first. I felt very light-headed in the shower, with this strange feeling of weakness in my entire body. But I made it out okay. When I weighed myself on the bathroom scale, it read 104. I really wanted to get some food in me.

While Adam was in the shower, I started making tomato soup on the stove. I had a pudding or yogurt or something to eat while I was waiting for the soup to be ready, all the while feeling weaker and weaker as I stirred. His parents came home. They were in the kitchen talking about Desnise's bee sting. I was listening politely. Then the feeling of ligh-headedness and weakness became overwhelming. I felt faint. All I could think of to do was sit down because I could barely stand.

At first Tim thought I was just being silly and asked if I was melting. But when they saw my hanging head weakly shake back and forth, they realized something was wrong. I was slowly gasping for air. I felt so tired. When asked what was wrong, I managed to communicate to them that I felt really light-headed and dizzy. Denise ran to get a cold washcloth for my neck. Tim stayed with his hand on my back. I was reassured I'd be okay and they insisted I just stay sitting for a while. Denise took care of the soup for me.

When Adam came out shortly after and saw me sitting on the floor, he picked me up and brought me to a chair at the kitchen table. He told me I had to eat something. I couldn't even lift my head off the kitchen table, though. It seemed like all of my energy had escaped me. Upon seeing my disposition, Adam carried me to his bed and laid me down to rest. When he brought the soup in for me, I had trouble sitting up by myself, so he lifted me against some pillows and used a plasic drawer kind of thing as a makeshift table for my legs. I was barely able to lift the spoon to my lips, but was finally eating again. I finished two bowls of tomato soup and some of a slice of potato bread.

I couldn't really eat anything solid because I had had my wisdom teeth removed several days prior. I kind of blamed that for my lack of eating more. I had gotten tired of yogurt and pudding and applesauce. But it's really no excuse for not eating. I want to get better about eating more. I have to stop "forgetting" to eat and start remembering to take care of myself.

I think the way I've been spending my summer days has made me very lazy to the point where I'm not doing that. Wow, that's really lazy! How can I not eat? I pee when I have to. Might as well eat, too. I don't consider myself anorexic, but I don't want to become like that, even if I don't mean to.

It's kind of strange. Most girls, I would think, would be happy about weighing less. But I don't care about my weight in the sense of wanting to look a certain way; I just want to be a healthy weight. In this case, I want to get back upto the weight I used to be, around 120. It's kind of funny that I want to gain weight and Adam wants to lose weight.