Better Is One Day

I really know how to ruin the moment.

2010-02-24T10:57:00.003-05:00

From now on when my husband says something sweet and meaningful, I should just keep my mouth shut. My constantly thinking brain should not think so much. And my stupid obsessive peeves don't help. For example, if someone says they want to take you out to a nice dinner, your first response should not be, "Can we brush our teeth before we leave?" Yeah, that's me. Always thinking practically when I should be thinking romantically.

Gosh, I suck!

Cleaning Temple

2010-02-12T11:52:00.003-05:00

I want to do more praising and pondering than I do venting and sulking. I understand the reality that not everything is perfect. And it's okay to feel frustrated or sad. But I think I sometimes lose sight of a sovereign God who loves me and is always at work in my life. I guess I'm just in the moment right now, and I want to mentally want to praise God at all times. Yet I am human and it's very easy to get caught up in myself. So right now my goal is to glorify God with this blog as I had originally set out to do four years ago when my heart was on fire for the Lord. I know I am not perfect and will surely lose sight again, but for now Jesus is helping me hit the reset button. For about the 20th time. He and I are cleaning temple this month.

What I mean by that is both spiritual and physical. During my one on one time with God, he's had me in Leviticus. The word "holy" is used more in this book than in any other book of the bible. And so I have been processing with him what it means to be holy. I know he calls me to be holy, but what does that look like? Leviticus is about what is clean or unclean, what is holy or detestable. How does that apply in my life?

Along with Leviticus, I am reading another book called the Maker's Diet. In a nutshell, it's a book about having a biblical diet. While I have not yet been hardcore about applying everything the author teaches, I have taken great interest in the things I am learning from it. And I am hoping to learn how I can be healthy and better care for the body God has given me. So that I can be "clean" physically, and not take advantage of my health by eating junk.

Spiritually I am working on the same thing. Learning from God's word so that I can better know how to put off the old self and put on more of the woman God created me to be. For this, I am attending a bible study on the book of Esther. It's all women so I get to learn from them about being a godly woman. We even pray for our husbands together. A primary goal of the study is to embrace being a woman of God without doing it at the expense of men. The idea of submitting to a man has become very twisted, misunderstood, and even misused over time. I know what it is supposed to mean, and ideally it is not a negative thing at all. Still, I am hoping to learn more. To rid myself of any false understanding and learn how God truly sees women... And thus, how he sees me.

So yeah. Jesus and I are going to town.

Complaining

2010-01-31T17:05:00.003-05:00

I am so tired right now. I can't even concentrate. I'm trying to draw but I just can't focus and it's coming out horribly. So frustrating! I'm in no mood to sleep either. I'm in the mood to draw so I want to draw. It's great when that happens, so it sucks that I'm too tired for it.

Another thing. I'm freaking cold. I've been living in New England basically my whole life, and I still can't get over the cold. And unless I gain another hundred pounds, I don't think I ever will.

Finally, this dry air drives me crazy. I pee about every hour because I'm drinking water all the time, and I'm drinking water all the time because this air makes me so thirsty. My lips are chapped, too. Often.

What's a married artist to do?

2009-12-18T12:37:00.003-05:00

I feel like such a bum lately. I know I'm not. I've been staying busy, painting and cleaning and the like. But part of me feels like I'm still being lazy. Like I should be doing something of greater importance. Like... I don't know what. Finding a job, I guess. Or figuring out how I can give private art lessons to kids. I know I would love that. But am I ready for it? I sometimes feel like I don't know enough, like I still need more lessons myself.

And what about ministry? What is God's will for my life? Is it okay that Adam is the only one making any kind of money for both of us? I mean, yes, I had a commission not too long ago and made a little from that. But now what? I like the art stuff I've been doing, but is it practical? I'm just experimenting anyway. Should I be working toward something with greater potential? Something I know works?

During the Night of Joy show, a lot of people came up to me to tell me how much they loved my work. It was mostly work from my senior show in college. I can't show the same stuff forever though. I need some fresh ideas. I need to be focusing on a new body of work. But what should I do? And what the heck will I do with it once it's done?

Think entrepreneurially!

Gah!

Chores Today

2009-12-15T10:13:00.001-05:00

9:33 AM

2009-12-15T09:32:00.004-05:00

I am thinking.

Longing

2009-12-09T12:10:00.002-05:00

I feel...

Bored. Anxious. Trapped.

I am...

Waiting. Impatient. Longing.

I am searching for inspiration, something to motivate me. I want to create. I want to branch out. I just finished a commission for someone, but after all that drawing and painting, I am still not satisfied. I feel as though it was preparation for something else. I am certainly back in the painting spirit. The only question now is...

What do I paint next?

Perhaps I should give myself some sort of goal. Maybe pretend I'm a teacher giving an assignment to a class, only to do the assignment myself. Of course, I could revert to my usual strategy of making a list. That always makes me feel better. I will find myself brainstorming ideas, coming up with goals I'd like to accomplish, and so I write them down.

I think I will do that. I need something to move forward on. Anything.

Go!

1. Finish the book of Leviticus
2. Start an art ministry
3. Make a calendar: 12 illustrations, 1 for every month
4. Take more pictures of people, clouds, trees, and animals... and anything that would make a good picture
5. Make a meal schedule for each week; include lots of fruits and vegetables
6. Draw everyday. Anything and everything. Even doodle.
7. Walk more! Get exercise!
8. Recover all honeymoon photos and post them online for friends and family to see
9. FINISH WEDDING THANK YOU CARDS!!!
10. Finish silverpoint portrait of Vashti
11. Organize a girls night; make creative invitations
12. Christmas shopping; wrap each gift in a fun way
13. Brainstorm and add to the list
14. Pray more
15. Build a snowman this winter

So most of these are very broad, but it's a start. I feel better already.

Twelve "Ty's"

2009-08-27T00:29:00.003-05:00

Listening to: Jon Foreman's "The House of God Forever"

My bridal shower was a couple weekends ago. It was amazing how many people were there. I was thoroughly overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude. During the shower, one of the women gave a devotional on being a good wife. She shared twelve different points, all ending with the letters "ty." She'd printed each word to pin to the board as she went over each word. I took them home, and just tonight I rediscovered them. So I had some fun "adding" to her points.

Exhaustion and distraction are an awful combination...

Yeah, more pictures. What's up with that? Well, I no longer use the blog I used to put pictures on, the other personal one. It was sort of a one time thing that I never updated, so I decided to delete it and have one less blog. Why not just use my art blog? Because that I'd like to keep as professional as possible, and as much as I love posting all my creative comings and goings, some things are just silly. Or at least I think so. If anyone puts up a fight I'll at least consider it, but for now these will remain here as party of my story.

Gr... Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind again. I'm so indecisive.

Banana Muffin Monday

2009-08-17T16:53:00.002-05:00

I don't usually put images on this blog, but I'm up for trying new things.

Today I felt very productive. I woke up at about 8:30 in the morning. Waking up early always helps me feel like I've got the whole day ahead of me. Also, I was expecting a visit from Chelsea. We'd planned on getting together to work on wedding favors. So before she got there, I kept myself busy by tidying up the kitchen, washing and putting away dishes, baking, and taking pictures around the house.

The new banana muffin recipe I found was a big hit with my family in New Jersey a couple weeks ago, and so I decided to make them this morning for when Chelsea arrived. It is actually a vegan recipe, which shocks a lot of people. I've been doing a lot of vegan baking/cooking this summer because my sister is vegan. It's been fun looking up new recipes and learning ways to make good food with the sometimes challenging limitations.

Anyways, after cleaning and baking and taking pictures, Chels got there. We popped in a couple movies and worked on wedding favors. We worked on them the whole time she was here, breaking only to eat and use the bathroom. The favors are not even close to being finished, but it still feels good to have gotten so much done today.

I'll be heading out to my mom's in a bit, where I'll try to recruit my sisters to help me get more done.

Jealousy and Resentment

2009-08-07T10:20:00.002-05:00

These are two of the biggest things I have to watch out for in myself. I am excellent at both, and I wish I weren't. Last night I had a jealousy issue, to the point that I could feel my heart shifting to hatred and self pity. So I had to mentally talk myself out of that. This morning I had a resentment issue, in which hurts from the past were brought to mind, and yet again I felt my heart leaning toward hatred for someone. I know why. But that doesn't make it right.

In general I am not like this, but being human I am very capable of every sin, every evil. It is in my nature to be drawn to self pity. It is in my nature to hate. It is in my nature to take the easy way out, to do what feels good. But the ability to choose whether or not I accept my nature is what separates me from the animals.

I could choose to keep hating. I could choose to go on being jealous. It would be so easy not to bother fighting any urge that came up. But would I be happy? No. I'd only be hurting myself, or hurting others. So there are short-term and long-term consequences of just giving in. It's easy in the moment, but what about later? What other parts of my life will things like resentment and jealousy sink into?

I'd rather not find out.

I freaking LOVE going to the dentist!

2009-07-13T21:45:00.002-05:00

So maybe I'm part of the small percentage of people who can actually say this, but it's true. I really do love going to the dentist. Were it not for the expense of it, I'd probably go once a month if I could, just to get my teeth cleaned. Having clean teeth is one of my routine priorities. I can't officially start my day without brushing my teeth, and anyone who knows me really well knows I can't go to bed without brushing either. Once in a while, I'll even brush in the middle of the day just because my mouth feels gross. I imagine all the bacteria and plaque planning their next attack on my precious enamel.

On top of getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist, they also take x-rays of my teeth on occasion. It's how they keep an eye on things they can't see, especially the things I can't see. They look for cavities and things going on inside my teeth. For instance, last week I went to the dentist for a cleaning and was due for an x-ray. They found two cavities! I was quite upset since I hadn't had a cavity since my baby teeth days. And those cavities all fell out with the teeth so that I really didn't have any cavities at all!

Anyway, I went in today to get my teeth fixed up. Not once was I nervous about getting Novocaine or having a drill in my mouth. Because I know the dentist is doing his best to help me take care of my mouth. If I never got help, who knows what those cavities would turn into! Maybe black, rotting teeth that would give me worse problems later in life. What could have been that annoying $500 bill suddenly becomes a whopping $5,000! So yeah. I love the dentist. I like having clean, healthy teeth; and they like me having clean, healthy teeth.

Speaking of clean, healthy teeth... time for bed! My new nightly routine:

1. Floss
2. Brush with flouride toothpaste
3. Rinse
4. Mouthwash
5. Brush with new booster gel (don't rinse)

No more cavities for me, please!

A Response for Nina

2009-06-11T09:39:00.002-05:00

I had started responding to Nina's comment on my last entry, but realized it was a topic worthy of its own post. So thank you to Nina for the inspiring discussion-provoking comment to "Home Again, Home Again."

*Just to clarify, when I use generalizing words like "us" and "we" and "our", I am referring to the people who fall into the category for which this topic is addressing, and unless otherwise stated. I know not everyone got everthing handed to them*

To Nina/Pensive Entry:

I think I have to agree with you on the part about how we've been given too much help. The generation before us (namely our parents) grew up in huge families (or at least my parents did) and had to work for everything they have. Maybe because their parents were busy just getting by and keeping the kids fed. My upbringing was not so harsh. In fact, I have been very blessed and I do not take that for granted. I have the kind of father who has worked hard every day of his life to provide for his family, even before he had a family to support. My mom has also worked very hard, both in the work place and at home to raise her children. They supported my sisters and I in many ways.

But we really never had to work for anything because everything was given to us. Not against our parents' wills, but because they wanted to give us as much as they could, as their way of loving us, as their way of providing for us. My dad particularly has always been vocal about not wanting us (me and my sisters) to worry about anything. For example, there was never any pressure to get a job while we were in school, because he wanted us to be able to focus on school. He's the kind of dad who just hands you money without being asked. Or asks if we need money, and no matter what the answer is, gives it to us.

It's definitely a good thing to provide for your children, but I think you are correct in saying, Nina, that in some areas of life we've been given to much help. And some areas, none at all. And the problems of finding a job, or planning financially for the future, are an afterthought that come only now that they are on top of us. I'm feeling the sting of having little work experience to put on my resume or on applications for jobs. I find myself scraping to find proof that I can work well. So many jobs descriptions I've come across call for experienced individuals, even things as common as waitressing.

My dad told me the other day he would pay me for the chores I've been doing, or to have me weed the garden and such. It's one thing to be making money, which is good, but I can't put "chores" on a resume. And we were never taught how to get jobs, how to look presentable and the like, or how to start a savings account so could gain interest, or how to cook or bake, or how to sew or knit, or how to hunt or fish, or how to change a tire. Those are the kinds of things we've picked up along the way, whether from do-it-yourself research, from friends, or from school.

And we haven't been given a whole lot of room to fail, and so we are scared of taking risks, whether it be jobs or relationships or what have you. In my case, I'm not used to job interviews, and it takes everything in me to put forth the effort to do what I'm afraid of doing. I've never paid bills before either. I don't pay for my cell, car insurance, and I'm not paying for college. Not looking forward to bills.

This is all sort of processing "out loud" if you will. I'm making this sound way worse that it is. I know I'm a hard worker because I learned from my parents that it's important. But I have my lazy days. I guess there are extremes. The extreme of having spoiled your kids so that they grow up being lazy and unmotivated, and of working so hard that you burn yourself out and have no life. There needs to be a balance. Working hard but enjoying life.

I guess at the end of all this, I can say... While perhaps the previous generation hindered our world survival skills by helping too much, we are adults now and it is our responsibility to see our problems for what they are, and own up to what's ours. It would be far more responsible to address the areas of our lives that need improvement, as difficult as it may be, instead of living in the past with a finger pointing at those who we think are to blame. Because at the end of the day, they are still our problems. I think we are part of a generation who recognizes this, at least to some degree, and we are all struggling to figure it out together. We would be wise to seek the knowledge and experience of others as a means of survival and growth. And to be motivating each other as we go through the same struggles... well, I'm looking forward to a time when we being to close the gaps together.

And finally, to give credit where credit is due: God is the only one who can truly fill us where we are empty. He's the only one who can guide us through the struggles of our finite understanding. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I will do my best to put my trust in Him, though I do not know His plans for my life. Job? No job? God is good all the time. He is sovereign and His will prevails despite ourselves. Praise!

Home Again, Home Again

2009-06-09T23:22:00.002-05:00

It's so frustrating being home now. After four years of being independent, responsible, and completely on my own schedule, I am back in the stressful environment of expectations, chores, and everything else that makes me long to be on my own again.

I do not have a job yet. I have not been completely neglecting that. I've put myself out there several times now and without luck. I even considered the possibility of grad school, which I researched and spent time getting more information on. I've also had wedding planning to to do, and still have a long way to go on that. On top of all that, I do chores around the house, errands for my dad, and the like.

And even more to add, now that I'm out of school, I have no classes to go back to where I am forced to be motivated to make art. Drawing everyday is something my professors encouraged us to do. I know that if I don't put in a serious effort, I will get rusty and the skills I just spent four years honing will become lost. I've been doing okay so far, but I've missed a few days here and there. So I try to do a little extra some days to catch up, if you will.

Anyways, I can't wait to get out of this house. I love my family and all; I'm just getting sick of living under the pressure of being asked everyday "what did you do today?" Because I never have an answer that feels like it's enough. I know I am always doing something, but at the end of some days I review what I did and it seems like it wasn't productive at all. I don't realize how much time I like putting into my sketches or paintings. And doing anything online, like wedding stuff or digital art, takes up more time than I would like it, too. I feel like people assume that because I'm on the computer when they see me it means that's all I do and I'm lazy. I start to feel that way, too, but I remind myself that I'm not doing nothing. I'm not a lazy bum just sitting at the computer all day playing games or some crap like that.

And I'm sick of dad getting upset about all the little things. Some of it I get and he's right, but other times I shut down because it's so discouraging. Can't do anything right. I have a horrible short term memory, which doesn't help so that I'll admit is my fault, but I do try. Some days I do everything that was asked of me yet there's still something wrong. And the days I forget everything, well... I'm just screwed.

I'm just venting. I'm so aggravated. I just want to get married and have my own place. I put enough pressure on myself. I don't need it from anyone else. Gah!

School's Out

2009-05-21T08:47:00.002-05:00

Now that I'm back home, I'm finally able to chill out a bit and hang out with people. Monday night, Kay and I went to Woon-n-Tap for a friend's 21st b-day party. It was nice to see old friends again. Yesterday, I was able to actually drive mysel somewhere. That somewhere ended up being Adam's house, from which we departed together to go to Overflow. Although I felt social awkward after having not seen everyone for so long, I enjoyed myself. Not only because there was good food and good company, but there was also great Bible discussion. At the end, I accidently volunteered myself for closing prayer. I'm glad I did, though.

It feels good to be back.

Oh, yeah. And I can look for a job now, too.

I Graduated Yesterday

2009-05-18T10:29:00.012-05:00

..................................................................................

B.F.A. BABY!

Graduated with Latin Honors, Summa Cum Laude, and a 4.0 for the semester. Sweet!
Major: Illustration. Minor: Art History

NEW WEBSITE!!!

2009-05-12T16:14:00.004-05:00

I finally got a website for my artwork. It's so nice to finally be able to show people my stuff without laying everything out all over the place. Or waiting to have it with me to show them.

I have a business card, too, but it was sort of a last mitute thing for my show, so next time I want to put a little more effort into it. Anyways, here's my site!

alyssajoyart.com

Spring Break

2009-03-16T15:30:00.003-05:00

I'm technically on spring break this week. And yet, I'm on campus anyways. Too much work to catch up on. And I can't work at home because it's just too darn distracting, and there is nowhere to really work on my stuff. I like having the studio space here on campus and it doesn't require me lugging around all my stuff. Also, I have access to the Macs, the printers, and the artograph if I need them. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get out to the studio today. It's been a computer day... responding to emails, moving stuff from my computer to Adam's external hard drive so that I have room for more reference pictures and the like, and doing a bit of wedding checklist stuff.

Everything is slow at the moment. I keep wanting to distract myself with other things because I can't trick myself into thinking I'm not on a break. I know I am. And I know I need to get work done.

Sigh... I wish I had a car on campus for the week.

I AM SO... ANGRY.

2009-03-07T08:42:00.002-05:00

SO SO ANGRY.

Lord, grant me a patient heart.

Please.

Good Conversation: Making the World A Better Place

2009-02-05T20:24:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've had a really good conversation. Tonight, Jenna and I got dinner together, and we had one. I think we both left feeling like, just in that one conversation, we had taken another step in the right direction for world change. Yes, we both have different beliefs and views, but even with our differences, we were on the same page as human beings. We both want to see change in the world, change for the better, change that leads to the love and respect of ALL people, no matter who they are or what they believe. And I'm slowly starting to see the lines of communication being built between Christianity and the outside world. I believe conversations like this are exactly what we need to move forward in making the world a better place. Openness and honesty may be hard to grasp individually, as well as hard to find amongst others, but it is completely necessary if we want to work together to build bridges. And being open and honest does not mean you need to sacrafice what you believe, and it certainly does not mean we should push that belief on someone else. It simply means we are finding a common ground on which to communicate, so that we can better understand where the other person is coming from.

I wish all conversations could be as productive and eye-opening as my conversation with Jenna was. Seeing the title of this blog after a coversation like that also makes me realize that there is more meaning to it than the spiritual one I originally intended when I started this blog.

Better is one day.

Just one more...please

2009-01-14T22:59:00.002-05:00

I could really go for just ONE more week of winter break. It's hardly felt like a break at all. There's so much to do and so little time left to do it all. I was selected to illustrate the cover of the Fall catalog at school. It's due by early February, but I've had to wait a while for confirmation on the sketches I sent. I got the okay today, so that leaves me little time to finish it. So maybe that's a little overwhelming. Not so bad by itself, but I also just got the reference I needed for the other project I have to get done. I go back to school Monday. I'm getting sick, have my Grandma's wake and funeral to go to in Vermont this weekend, and still haven't packed yet to go back to school. So... That leaves me tomorrow. For everything. If I wasn't feeling so yucky and run down, I'd stay up and work on stuff. As it is, I am feeling that way so off to bed I go now. Oh, and the cherry on top is coming any day now. My monthly lady thing. Blah.

This is the first time I haven't wanted to go back to school yet. I usually can't wait to go back.

John McClain

2008-12-23T10:19:00.005-05:00

I'm finally home. The fall semester was very hectic, but a lot of good came of it. More finished pieces, more experience in time management, more opportunities to experiment, and more time spent processing with God and working on my character. And the new, unfortunately temporary, professor allowed me to leave my comfort zone to experiment with different materials and styles. Even though it was scary for me personally, there was no added pressure from him that would have made it that much harder on me. Instead, he was very supportive and gave good feedback.

Now that I'm home, there is still much to be done. But there's a different kind of stress here. It's good. It keeps me going, motivated, feeling responsible and mature. I'm not as overwhelmed as when I'm at school, even though there is a lot to do. At school, you have deadlines and grades and expectations to meet. At home, there is love and understanding, and while things do need to be done, no one is here to bite my head off if I can't come through on everything because they know I'm working hard at whatever it is I AM doing. At school, some teachers think that their class takes precedence over every other class and aspect of your life, and if you don't come through on their assignment, you weren't trying hard enough. I hate that. I know I work hard. On EVERYTHING I possibly can. I've gotten physically sick trying to meet deadlines. I even threw up during a crit once because I was so sickly exhausted. And sometimes it's hard to decide whether to get something done just so you have it in on time, or to do it very well and risk not finishing. They say that in the real world, you get to say yes or no to what jobs you take. Or that you can sometimes work it out with a client so that you can work with a decent timeframe for you and also give them quality. If every class or assignment I had equalled a job, I'm sure I would be saying no to some of them. But you can't really do that at school. Any of it. Everyone has the same deadlines, whether you work fast or slow, and if you can't get it done then "screw you; I don't care if life happened; you knew about this assignment since ther day you were born; this is unprofessional; blah blah blah".

I guess all I'm saying is that it feels good to be home. The best part so far is that my dad got a Christmas tree that was apparently too tall and had a lot of empty spots. So he pulled a John McClain move and drilled holes in the trunk so he could stick branches in them to fill the empty patches. I really thought it was hillarious, and I'm sure I'll remember it forever. I love my dad. My sisters and I always imagine him doing the things Bruce Willis' character does in the Die Hard movies.

I love being home.

Good Night, Hartford

2008-12-14T22:31:00.002-05:00

I wrapped two Christmas gifts tonight. It took about a half hour to an hour. That's the most productive I've felt all week and weekend. It's nice getting SOMETHING accomplished for a change. Everything else is taking forever, despite my best efforts. I enjoy being creative when I don't have to be, even when it's something as simple as wrapping presents. It's a nice break from school projects.

Now for my early bedtime. Another thing I'm feeling pretty good about.

Good night, Hartford. This is our last week together.

On the plate...

2008-12-08T20:34:00.004-05:00

arthistoryfinalpaperduewednesdayANDthreepagesequentialstoryofsuperheropluscoverpageforbillANDfinalteaillustrationwithspotsforchuckANDitalianpresentationwithpaperANDitaliantakehometestANDfulltimerelationshipwithadamANDgettingenoughsleeptoavaoidgettingsickANDkeepingupenoughwithivcfnottoletthegroupstandingwithsgabedamagedANDfiguringoutchristmasplansANDdoingallthatchristmasshoppingjustdaysbeforechristmasbecauseihavenotimeduringschoolANDmakingsureigetallmymealseachdayANDprayingANDreadingthebiblANDmoretocomei'msure...

A Blessing From God

2008-12-05T17:32:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like spending the end of a bad or emotional day with the one you love. Adam and I both had our own bad and/or emotional day today. When he got here for our date night, we were able to comfort each other. As much as these kinds of days suck, I'm just glad we can go through them together.

And I thank God for giving me a best friend to cry with.

A moment to breath before the pressure's really on

2008-12-01T20:48:00.002-05:00

So it's Monday once more. The Monday right after the Thanksgiving break. If you want to call it a break, that is. More like an end semester teaser. I've got about two weeks left of classes, then finals. Doesn't seem that bad when you look at it like that. But then you factor in two new illustration projects, both of which are not yet started. On top of that, an art history final paper, and an Italian presentation with a paper to match. That paper has to be in Italian. As if it's not hard enough buckling down to write one in your own language.

Right, four final projects in two weeks. Even less time, actually, depending on due dates. The papers and presentation are all due next week. So... a week and a half for those. The illustrations are due soon after.

What am I going to do about it? One of three things. Procrastinate up 'til the last minute so that the only way to get anything done is to pull all-nighters; work as much as I can all the way through, even if it means stressing out a little and losing sleep; or get my needed 8 hours of sleep every night for the next two weeks, work without stressing, and get as much as I can done in the time given, even if it means sacraficing a little bit of my obsessive full potential.

I'm aiming for the third. The one with less stress and more sleep. I'm hoping to put it into practice tonight. I'm aiming for a 10:00 bedtime, with 11:00 being the limit.

I'm approaching the last straightaway. Here we go!

I'm a Christian...and I AM living life

2008-11-06T23:35:00.007-05:00

Are there really that many people out there who think Christians don't have fun? Or that we aren't living life to the fullest? It makes me sad when I hear that stuff come up. Like when a discussion of faith comes up, and the person of less faith, or no faith, mentions they don't see anything wrong with having fun and living life. That kind of hurts. Well, for me anyways. I don't think I'm missing out on anything. I have a blast believing in God! Jesus and me have fun together.

I've already had my share of "living life" and "having fun" and let me tell you, I was so empty in the midst of it all. No hope, no sense of purpose. I was depressed, just going for the feel good, running from my problems. I even had thoughts of suicide at times. But most of that was hidden by a mask of denial when I was with people. I hated it. I hated being depressed. I hated my parents fighting. I hated not fitting into the world's idea of beauty. I hated that my boyfriend at the time and I were so emotionally distant, yet so physically attatched. Yeah, it felt good. It was a nice change from all the pain. I believed in God sort of. I believed in being a good person, but never took God seriously. I never read the Bible or prayed. So much pain and emptiness, even more than I knew at the time. I've learned so much since then. And I never want to go back.

So am I living the "good life" now? Maybe not in the opinion of the world, but in Christ I am just in awe of all He's done and is doing. Am I a good person? No. I will never be. Only Jesus can change my heart in ways I never will be able to, constantly shaping me into the woman He created me to be. He gives me strength and hope to make it through each day. I sometimes forget and fall away, but He's always there, waiting with open arms for my return. What beautiful love! I don't think a hundred random sexual encounters or getting high on free pot or getting really buzzed during class could ever even compare to the pleasure and joy I've found in Christ. I don't stay away from those things because it's the law of God, for I do not live by the law. I live by faith, and because of my faith in Christ, who I love, I do not do those things. So much more I could say, but Paul says it a little better in Romans. And now off to sleep.

Good night.

You Lose Sleep When You Care

2008-10-13T20:41:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in my dormroom right now. It's 9:42pm. I was aiming for a 10:00 bedtime, because of such a tiring Monday. But the way things have worked out tonight might mean that bedtime won't be until later. I'm waiting for a call from Katie with information I need to reserve a room for IVCF this Friday. I unfortunately left the folder of info in my studio, and have no intention of walking back across campus to get it. Not at this dark hour. It's scary and I'm tired.

Today was long. From the moment I woke up this morning I was already wanting a nap. Italian. Studio work. Art History. Advertising. Just work all the way through. I didn't even nap in art history like I've been doing for the past week. Not that I should, it just happens when the lights go out and the slides come up. Today I kept myself awake so I'd stop missing notes. I almost fell asleep a couple times, though.

After Italian this morning, I got a call from Hawk Hall's Res. Director. It was about Intervarsity not being able to use the Hawk Hall Lounge anymore for our meetings, since it's not reserved, nor reservable. So being that I'm sort of in charge, and my name happens to be on most of the IVCF paperwork as who is in charge, she called me. It wasn't a nasty or uncomfortable conversation or anything. In fact, she was very nice and helpful in telling me we could reserve one of the nearby classrooms. And I was understanding of the policy, by God's grace. So it's fine that we have to reserve a room. It just happens to be one more thing on my list for the day. And right now I'm waiting on Katie for our account number so I can finally send in the application for the room.

It's 10:02 now. Sigh. That's okay. I allotted time for myself to be late, because I knew I would be. 11:00 is really the cut-off. I haven't blogged in a while. That usually happens once school gets going. I hardly ever have "extra" time for this stuff. I think a little update is in order, anyways.

So my goals... ya know, from the last entry. I've been slacking on them lately. Well, the first one, to create something new everyday outside of class, never really got off the ground in the first place. Once art projects came into the schedule, there was really no creative energy or time left in the days to follow, save the occassional doodles in the academic classes to keep myself awake. However, as far as the branching out of the comfort zone goes, I really have been trying new things. Yes, they are subject to current assignments, but nonetheless have been explorations for me. I've been pushing myself to work larger than I'm used to; I've been exploring techniques and various media with which to make my art; and I'm even starting to come away from the safety of following my reference exactly in order to explore what my style might really be.

For example, the first assignment I did for Advertising involved a French-looking chef about to throw fireworks into a pot of chili (illustrating a poster for the "red hot chili fesival"). My reference is just a picture of a friend of a freind, a student, holding cardboard tubes I had cut and covered in wrapping paper for fireworks. I pretty much fudged everything to get the look I wanted, which I didn't even know I wanted until I was doing it. The colors of the fireworks changed, the face of the chef was stylized with an added mustache, and everything else was handled pretty freely, without much reference. Background, chili, firework fuses. It was not like me to go in that direction as far as style, and it was nerve-racking to do so. But I did! And I had a pretty good critique!

As for the rest of the goals, I'll keep the update short. I'm actually going to bed after this because I finally got the info I needed for reserving a room.

Okay... so my God time has been little to none lately, which sucks because I started off the semester really well. I was doing morning devos, daily prayer, evening time in the Word, and more prayer. But I've been letting work and everything else get in the way. So prayer for me in this area would be appreciated, if you're reading this and you like to pray.

Get more sleep. That was going pretty well, too, for a while. Then I had two crits days apart from each other. Needless to say, I failed at my "no all-nighters this semester" goal. I've been off track of a decent sleep schedule ever since. Tonight I wanted it back, but then the IVCF thing needed to be taken care of. If it had been something that only affected me, and not the group of people that it does, I would have put it off. But I'm responsible. So... yeah.

I'm not really sure I've been saying no or not. But I don't feel as though I'm being stretched thin by tons of various things, just general things. Like class, homework, and IVCF. I'm still finding the balance, but I'm not overwhelmed. I'm sticking to what needs to be taken care of: what my role is as an IVCF leader (treasurer this year), what assignments are due, what papers need to be written. And of course, I'm in a full-time relationship. I make time for Adam on the weekends, and during the week we make phone time, with the understanding that sometimes things come up and we'll call each other back if need be. That's the only annoying thing, not being able to give Adam my full attention everytime we talk. It's basically like trying to have a conversation during a full-time job, and then some. Especially in the studio where so much is going on all the time.

Making time for people. I think this is something God's been showing me how to do. Sometimes I'll have a very specific schedule in mind for the day, what to do and when to do it. If I followed that schedule to a T, I might actually be ahead of the game, but I set things aside more now, so that I can talk to classmates and other friends to get to know them better. I can still buckle down and get work done, but I'm not getting consumed by it. Although, my God time reflects differently. Sigh.

Yeah, so I still need lots of prayer. My balance really isn't that great. God is still working, but I need to give up my whole self so that He can wholly work in me.

BED!!! 11:11PM!!!

From Scratch

2008-08-28T16:33:00.006-05:00

Do you ever wish you could just push a button and start over? I mean with anything and everything. School, for instance, can get so hectic that I feel like I miss a lot of what's going on around me. How my friendships are going, or where they went. Spending time with God, too, has been difficult for me. I don't know why, but I just don't get into the Word the way I used to. And I hardly pray anymore, which is sad because I use to pray all the time when I got saved. Up until about two years ago, I was totally on fire for Jesus.

But there is no magical life button that brings you back so that you can do things differently or figure out what happened. There is new life though. Always another opportunity to change, even if it doesn't seem like much. Sometimes you just need to start from scratch, especially if you're not sure where you left off.

I'm going to make new goals for myself this year. I'm the kind of person who needs a routine to get me started. Luckily, I'm back at school, so having a schedule will be no problem. Now, it's figuring out where I want to set aside the free time for what's important, and make that time just as mandatory as going to class.

Here are some of my goals for this year:

1. Create something new everyday, outside of class.
Last year I had a small sketch book that I made my daily creativity journal. I made a point to draw or doodle or paste or write something in it everyday for the whole year. Some days were missed, some days were not very creative, and some days were just a forced 30 seconds of anything. But in the end, I was quite pleased with the results. I was glad to see it was possible for me to be creative on my own. This year I want to expand the idea, and not be limited to one size or surface. I want to branch out of my comfort zone and start diving into more experimental stuff. That doesn't mean the content will be the experiment, but more so what I use and how I use it to create the content. I used to be so risky in high school. With media, subject, style, technique... everything. Over the last few years, I sort of backed myself into a corner while I honed my skills technically. But now doing what I know will work has left me too scared to try what might not work. So this goal encompasses a lot more than just "making stuff."

2. Spend more time with God.
This includes reading the Bible, praying, and doing devotionals. I really want to get into the Word, not just skim it over. I want to apply what Psalm 1:2 says to my life, and really meditate on God's Word. And I want to find delight in reading the Bible, to get excited about it again. For prayer, I want to learn to pray every time I wake up in the morning, and thank God for giving me another day to breathe. And at night, before I go to sleep, I want to thank Him for getting me through the day. Surely there will be other things to talk to Him about, but I think those two prayers are a must and should help me to get used to going to God more than just the 2 minutes I might give Him one day out of the week. Hopefully, God will then teach me to talk to Him throughout the day as well, and not just set times of the day. And I definitely don't want to treat Him like an ATM GOD. He's so much more worthy than that. I'm actually wondering if I can combine the first goal with this one.

3. Get more sleep.
With this, I do a little better each year, but I want this to be the best year. I don't want to pull any all-nighters. I'm aiming for eight hours a night. I don't want senior year to intimidate me. I know there's a lot of work coming, but that's all the more reason to get decent sleep. I'll better avoid getting sick and rundown, and I'll be better focused if I've had a full night's rest. Being in a single this year should help. I can make my own bedtime without a second thought. I don't have to worry about where my roommate is or when they'll be back. If I want quiet, I can have quiet (within the room anyway). If I want music, music. If I want light, light. And I won't be distracted by conversation, or even tempted to talk about stuff that doesn't matter while I've got work to do. So digging the single this year!

4. Start saying "No."
I like to say yes to a lot. This year, I have to start saying no. That's all there is to it. (No, I know it's usually more complicated than that for me.)

5. Make time for people.
This may seem contradictory to #4. I don't want saying no to mean I stop caring about people. Like I said, school gets so hectic that it feels like I'm missing a lot. God cares about people, so I need to care about people. And I don't want to limit myself to other Christians. There are people out there who haven't had a single good experience with Christians. So I don't want to go out and preach and be insincere. I want to get to know the people Jesus would have hung out with, and learn how to get to know them. I want to be genuine. And I want to make the time to pray for people. I'm so sick of listening to the pain of people's hearts and not acknowledging it. For example: A friend says, "Hey my mom died..." And I give a generic, "Oh, that sucks." The End. That didn't actually happen, but I feel like that's how I respond a lot. Very coldly. I don't want to do that! So I guess #2 and #5 are really the most important goals I have for this year.

Well, here goes! Pray for me, please!!!

Determined

2008-06-16T16:44:00.004-05:00

I learned how to play guitar my freshman year of high school. And I used to play a lot. I was even in an all-girls band, but we didn't have a singer really so it didn't work out in that sense. But we had fun just jammin' and playing cover songs and hanging out. Anyways, when I went to college, things changed. I didn't have a whole lot of time to play guitar. I played for the worship team later on freshman year, learning all kinds of fun new songs. I played with the worship team up until junior year. I just didn't have the time, and my skills are not that great so I didn't feel bad about stepping down so that the new and more experienced people could do it. Freshman and sophomore year it had only been me and CJ, and some other people once in a while, so I felt sort of obligated, too. It was nice to get some new people who were into it and could commit.

So anyways, I've gone quite some time, about a year, without having even picked up my guitar. I've just recently decided to pick it back up. Not because I think I'm any good. I just miss it. I miss being able to just pick it up and have fun. My callouses are completely gone, though. I've been playing pretty much all day today. My fingertips are screaming. I got too the point where certain fingerings just hurt so bad that I can't suck it up and get through it, so I stop mid-song. So then I'm forced to either take a little break, or else try again and hope it doesn't hurt the next time, which it usually does. It's like starting from scratch again. I have some muscle memory as far as how to play certain chords, but it's going to be a process to get back to where I was. But I want to play again, and that's enough to keep me going.

Or perhaps there's more to it. Perhaps I'll be needing to play for a greater purpose, regardless of my lack of musical knowledge or skill. Like when I was called to the worship team freshman and sophomore year. Even then I was able to learn from friends teaching me. That's where any of my skill comes from, just learning from people along the way. It's pretty cool. I don't feel called to the worship team for next year, but I am determined to keep up playing for something possibly after college. Whether it be the young adult worship band at WEFC, or just in my own life as a way to praise God.

I just need to be careful that whatever I do with it, I do it unto the Lord, and not unto my sinful nature. I am determined. Jesus be praised!

Longing for Paint

2008-05-28T23:11:00.003-05:00

I left all my paints at school... in my locker. I miss them. I could really go for some oils right about now. Or acrylics. Guess I'll have to settle for watercolor in the meantime. Not that I dislike watercolor. I could just really go for those oils.

Gross. I feel like I've been on the computer all day. My hips hurt. Time for bed. And I really gotta get going on that wedding stuff.

Sigh. I'm really in the mood to paint.

Spring 2008 GPA

2008-05-21T19:39:00.002-05:00

WOOO HOOO!!! 4.0 this semester!!!

Art History - A
Figure Drawing - A
Acrylic - A
Oil - A
Junior Review - PASS!

It was the Art History that really did it for me, because I never get perfect A's in those classes. I was so surprised and so excited. The lowest grade I've gotten was the first semester of freshman year, Intro to Western Art, with a B. But I had no idea what I was doing back then. God has blessed me with knowledge and an understanding of how to study for classes like that. And I get more sleep now than I did back then, another glorious blessing from the Lord.

Anyways, totally stoked about my first straight-A semester. So no, my overall grade isn't 4.0. I wish it was. That would be sweet. Right now my overall grade is 3.82. Hm... Maybe I should retake that class... Or not.

Today and the Other Day

2008-05-12T10:15:00.002-05:00

It's really windy outside today. I haven't left my room yet today, but I can see from my window the trees thrashing about and birds wizzing around uncontrolablly. And I saw something random. A plastic bag rolling aroung the roof of a four story building. That's a long way up for a bagto travel, despite the wind, and considering you'd expect it to be on the ground, not a roof. Hmmm. Just a weird thing to see.

Something else I found random and strange...

The other day, I saw a guy try to light a dandelion on fire. He was walking, stopped in his tracks, and lowered his lighter to the fluffy, white flower, unsuccessfully getting it to catch. He gave up shortly and went on his way.

Today's agenda: study for art history.

Almost There...

2008-05-08T13:42:00.002-05:00

The semester is nearing its end. One by one I've been getting things done. Tuesday night I gave my art history presentation on Audrey Flack. It went well, except that the teacher had to sort of rush me at the end because it was just about the end of class and two people still had to go. Poor planning on her part, I guess.

The first three classes of presentations were assigned eight people each, but the fourth night, my night, there were about eleven or twelve of us. And we didn't start right away because we had to do teacher evaluations. Then some of us went out to her car to help bring in snacks. Lots of snacks! (I still have left over cake in my room, as well as bags of chips and such. I also brought back a two-liter bottle of lemonade and large bottle of water.) After the entire class shuffled their way to the front of the room to get their food, which took a while, we finally started. So I was a little annoyed that I had to rush the end of my presentation after all the work I did on it, knowing that if I had presented on any of the previous nights, it would have been fine to talk longer. But whatever... I said what I need to say, and now it's over with.

Last night was my Acrylic review. I spent all day working to finish my final piece, but it didn't happen. Alan (my professor) was very understanding. He actually admitted I didn't have time to do what I set out to acomplish in that piece, as it was so new and experimental for me. He said it was an important piece in my artistic journey, even though it hadn't been successful, something I'm not normally comfortable with at all. It was a very encouraging and reassuring review. He said I'm at a good point as a junior, skill-wise, work-wise, concept-wise. So yeah, good review.

This morning, I got my figure drawing portfolio ready for tomorrow. I still have to tweek a couple things so it's ready to go, but all the main stuff is out of the way. Fred told me last class that he wanted to hang onto my work for the weekend so he could have it photographed for some catalouge the art school's putting together. I'm so glad I took Fred's class this semester. I've grown a lot. And I have been humbled very much by my experience in his class. God is good! I must have been praying in my heart for a better understanding of drawing the figure all those times I longed for it. What an amazing answer! Of course, there is more to learn, more ways to improve. In time. In God's time.

Finally, Tuesday I have my oil review and Art History final. Almost there, almost done. Just waiting for that sigh of relief.

Oh To Be A Bird!

2008-05-04T05:48:00.003-05:00

Oh, to be a bird! Waking up early. Catching the worm. Flying to heights with a beautiful view. Defiling cars from those heights, just for fun. And not a single worry about driving in traffic to get to places on time. Just get up go. You and your buddies, who were awake just as early as you, are all on the way to wherever it is you have to be going. And when you get there, not only are you early, but there is much of the day left to do all kinds of birdly things. And you never worry about where your next meal is coming from because God feeds you, and you know it. Oh, to be a bird!

Living Simply

2008-04-21T20:35:00.002-05:00

I think I would be perfectly content living without a lot of stuff. I know I don't have as much stuff as some people, but I still think I have too much. I'm still very involved with, and preoccupied by, technology and getting as much done in one day as I possibly can. But I know I'd be okay without those things. When I went to New Orleans last spring, I had to live with the bare minimum: shelter, a place to sleep, food, water. Yes, there was running water and electricity for lights, yet the daily routine was so restful and laid back. We did have a lot packed into each day, sometimes getting little sleep, but there wasn't the stress of rapidly going from one thing to the next. I was able to rest AND be productive.

We stayed at an old gymnasium that was connected to a small church. They had to hold church services in the gym part though because the flooding had caused so much damage to the sanctuary. As ruined and dirty as the entire place seemed, though, it soon became a comfortable, familiar, and hospitable place during my week-long stay. I slept on a cot at night. I loved it! In the early morning, some of us would meet for prayer in the sanctuary, with almost no light and no no chairs. Then breakfast would be whatever they were serving. And it didn't matter to me because I was just grateful to have food. After breakfast, we'd make our sandwiches and bag them for later. Then we'd go to the work sites. I learned how to do sheetrock and did that for a week staight at the same house. Again, I loved it! We'd break only for lunch. Then the bus would pick us up and bring us back to the church, where we'd hang out and take showers until an early dinner. Again, I'd eat whatever was served. There weren't a hundred meal options to choose from. It was nice not having to think about it. After dinner, I'd hang out until the evening Bible study. Then I'd either stay and chat or go go to bed. Such a wonderful routine! Start the day with God, serve with God, end the day with God... and no internet access, no meetings to attend, and no stressing out over work. To live that simply was my earthly Utopia. When I got back to campus, I was disgusted with how much stuff I had, and how dependent I was on the computer.

The thing that sparked this thought happened tonight when I returned to my room after a long day. I had packed my computer for class earlier, and so when I got back, I didn't take it back out right away. I just made myself a cornbeef sandwich for dinner, sat at the empty desk, and ate. I didn't do anything else. I simply sat and ate. No internet, no phone, no homework, just dinner. It was relaxing. But of course, I felt the need to blog about this wonderfully simple experience. See? My dependence on technology. Yuck. And I check my email like ten times a day. And it's late now, yet I had wanted to go to bed early.

I want to live simply... and with less stuff.

Good night.

God Through the Woman in Yellow

2008-04-14T07:46:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how God can use one seemingly insignificant situation to bring you back to Him. Other people might bring something to you over and over, trying to get you to see the error of your ways, not because they are out to get you but because they love and care about you. But being the stubborn, prideful monkey that you are, you don't really let what they are saying to you soak in enough to effect you. You know they are concerned, yet you are too stubborn to admit they are right. So out of your own stubbornness, you continue on the way you've been going, regardless of what you know to be the right way.

Then God Himself comes and gives you a push. Subtle, yet so convicting. Through someone I don't even know, and may never know, He showed me the severity of the choice I was making not to spend time with Him. It's funny how a direct message won't cause you to budge, but then the indirect happens and you just get it.

Praise God!

No Run-All Circles and Two Pieces

2008-04-07T07:17:00.004-05:00

I woke up early this Monday morning to go run, and just like almost every other day since I've started the group, no one showed up. And being the unmodivated scaredy-cat that I am, not wanting to run alone, I went back to the room. But the morning was not a complete waste. No, it was quite nice outside this morning. The air was cool and fresh, and there were birds chirping. Also, despite my sleepiness and lack of physical endurance building, I did manage to come across twenty-one cents along the way. A dime on my way down the back stairway, eight pennies scattered on the front porch of Konover, another penny in a parking space nearby, and two more in the grass on the way back. To add to the pile was a penny I'd found some days ago, still waiting in my coat pocket to be dealt with. So I cleaned up my findings and fed them to Penguin. He was quite satisfied.

On another note...

Praise God! I got a call last night from MCC about two illustration pieces I submitted over the weekend. They both made it into the show! Totally wasn't expecting that. I remember thinking, as Adam and I left that Friday night, after handing them in, that I shouldn't have bothered. I had seen other artwork in the room that was probably being submitted, and it was all so good. And I saw the long list of other pieces entered as I wrote down my info underneath them. I was doing that self-doubt thing again, telling myself I wouldn't be suprised if I didn't even make it into the show. I'm really not good enough, I thought. How could I possibly compete with so many other artists who are probably all ten times better than me? What have I gotten myself into? And then I regretted putting anything in. Now here I am, trying to find a ride to the Opening/Awards reception for Tuesday. So yeah, PRAISE GOD!!!

Although, I'm still doing the doubt thing. Not about winning. I don't care about winning, really. But I wonder how harsh the judging was. What was the judge looking for? Technique, draftsmanship, idea, composition, execution? How much was taken into account? Did they have a gallery quota to fill? Was I one of the last choices to fill it? I was joking with Adam that the only reason I got in was because they saw an acurately drawn ear in one piece and glowing watercolor eggs in the other, both compliments of Dennis Nolan.

Dennis is one of my professors. He's always stressing the importance of being able to draw the ear the right way because there are so many artists out there who don't know how. As far as the eggs go, I had no idea how to paint them when Dennis gave us that assignment, and he showed me what colors to use and how to use them to get the right effect. I've learned a lot from him.

Still, I tend to doubt my abilities as an artist. Couldn't tell you why. But praise God! I'm in the show! I think it might be His way to encourage me and reaffirm the abilities He's gave me.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
-Psalm 139:14

Hard Words

2008-03-10T20:59:00.002-05:00

I'm not very good at speaking. I have a hard time with words. I like words. I know words. But when it comes to using them when I really need to, I can really mess them up. And the way I process doesn't help. I usually don't have everything thought through as much as I'd like, but it takes me forever to process my thoughts and if I always waited until I was completely done processing, I would never get anything done. And there would be a lot of very impatient people. So sometimes I end up processing out loud after processing in my head for a while.

Do you ever have those conversations that you know you need to have with a person? The ones that are not really easy. Actually, they are very hard conversations to have. Some people are good at the confrontation thing. I'm not one of those people, unfortunately. But God has been growing my sense of maturity and responsibility. This year has been one of great change for me. Instead of brushing problems aside, problems that I might have with other people, He's been teaching me how to approach them out of love. Not just out of love for them, but love for myself and for God. It's gotten to the point where I make sure to make time to talk to that person, no matter how hard it will be. Sometimes it's an anger issue, sometimes it's a jealousy issue. Once I can address the emotions getting in the way of loving someone as I should, it is easier for me to think about the situation more clearly, for what it is. Or at least more so than I would have had I not processed through it first. God is good.

Still, making that move to finally talk to them is always the hardest, because there's no guarentee that the way things go in my head will happen in real life.

Sigh... I'm working on it.

God is good.

Once upon a morning...

2008-02-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I don't remember writing half of the last entry. I'm still tired, but God is good! And here I am, awake at almost 11am, still with nothing much for sleep. Mandy prayed with me this morning. It was a beautiful prayer, and very humbling. I'm going to try to enjoy my day praising God for all that He does for me. Even as simple as waking me up every morning.

(I'm not really in a good mood anymore now. Stupid cell phones. Stupid technology.)

Can't Sleep

2008-02-08T06:22:00.000-05:00

I went to sleep around 12am or 1am. I awoke around 3:something AM. The room above was booming with voices, and my head was swarming with thoughts. It still is. Nothing in particular, except maybe on tomorrow nights performance. The air is so dry here. For the past two years I've been telling myself to get a humidifier. Still nothing. I wake up all the time, unhealthily thirsty, on the verge of a coughing spasm because my throat is so parched. And with little aid from the water bottle awaiting its use on the stool beside my bed, I somehow manage to drift back into sleep. But only for a short time before waking up to answer nature's beckoning call.

Tonight, however, there has been no drifting back into sleep. It's 6:30 in the morning and I just haven't been able to sleep. So here I am, having given up trying to get comfortable for the past three hours, typing a blog entry about it.

It's still dry in here. I still can't sleep.

Other random musings...

The people upstairs are still awake. I thought about calling in a noise complaint, but in my consideration for others, I decided I didn't wanted to call the RA's at such an ungodly hour. Yes, I could argue that it's their job, but I'm not like that. I know they're students, too. And I don't have Friday classes so it's not entirely severe.

It snowed last night. I walked in it. It was pretty.

There's a kid in my acrylic class illustrating himself with a pickle for a nose. Ew! I hate pickles. And I thought that if there were some kind of life-or-death situation in which I had to eat a pickle, I would still have a really hard time doing it. I tried to eat a pickle for money once. That'll never happen again.

It's still really freaking dry in here. Water isn't helping. At all. One second of relief, then back to a mouth full of sand.

If all the world's a stage and all its people players, who's doing tech crew?

Well, it's definitely light out. Quarter 'til 7. Time for another attempt at adding sleep hours onto the only one or two I have.

Sigh.

A New Challenge

2008-02-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

So, I'm taking another figure drawing class this semester. I got totally hooked on it last semester and thought it in my best interest to keep up with it. Now I'm taking it with Fred Wessel, who has a very different approach to the figure. Not a better or worse way than I learned from Doug Andersen, just different. Doug focuses more on proportion and structure of the pose, and how to shade the forms right so everything fits together the way it's supposed to. Fred started us off with gesture lines, as Doug did, but even more so. He is very much into the spirit of the pose, and the poetry in the movement of the human body.

I think it's a good thing that I'm taking Fred's class after Doug's class. Because I've gotten the figure down better now, and know how to make the forms fit together better, I'm having a blast just going with the flow. But there are still some key things I want to work on. Like, the male figure. I do okay with long poses, but when it comes to gesture drawing a male figure, I tend to make it very curvy and feminine looking. And I want to get better at differenciating between the female and the male hips/pelvis. And forshortening is always a challenge, especially on shorter poses. I want to get better at spotting the position of the ribcage in those complex poses, as well as the angle of the shoulders and hips. AND... I've gotten quite comfortable with charcoal and toned paper. I think it's time I stepped outside my comfort zone, and into another area of criticism and improvement.

Onward to the figure!

Watercolor

2007-12-21T00:47:00.003-05:00

Okay... So I normally don't post my real artwork here because I don't want to seem show-off-ish, but I've had such a rough semester and today was the last day of it. And if I'm going to be an illustrator, I should probably start breaking the habit of being nervous to show my work.

Despite all my troubles with learning how to use watercolor, I did alright. My review went quite well this evening. Dennis even wants me to bring my work back next semester for photographing. And the final piece I did, my best piece of the four, he thinks has a chance in the Society of Illustrators competition. Could he be anymore encouraging!?

I wish I had a scanner and a better color correction program, but I don't. So the digital camera had to do. Doesn't really do the color much justice, but I tried to at least brighten them up a little so you can at least see them. They are in order of assignment. The last is the one Dennis liked the most.

Had to make an animal out of fruits and/or veggies. I think the carrot stems were my favorite to paint. Yay for dry brushing!

Had to recreate an old master's work and replace the head with that of an animal. I don't think I could have picked a more complicated piece. This was based off of Michelangelo's The Prophet Jeremiah from the Sistine Ceiling.

This assignment was to compose a scene from an opera. I chose Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozzart.

Finally, an egg. That was it. Whatever we wanted, but there had to be a recognizable egg in it. I did multiple eggs. And no, I don't know what it is. It hasn't hatched yet.

Figure Drawing!

2007-12-12T18:46:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be working on an art history paper now, but I've wanted to write this entry for a while. So, procrastination ensues...

This is the first semester I've had a figure drawing class. I'd drawn the figure before, in other drawing classes. But this was the first time I had a class completely dedicated to studying and drawing the figure. In the beginning, it was just another class, just another model to draw. I've never considered myself particularly skilled at drawing the human figure. My proportions are usually a little off somewhere, or a form doesn't fit quite right into another. Always something I can't see until my professor points it out. And it's a constant frustration not being able to see for myself what I'm doing right or wrong. I've always been amazed with the beauty and grace of the human body, in all its various ways of moving and holding a pose. So to not be able to capture that elegance as an artist, to not have enough knowledge or delicacy of hand, would leave me feeling disappointed and doubtful of my own abilities.

This semester, however, I had a breakthrough! At some point I just started getting it. My forms started looking more accurate than they ever had been. My shading improved a great deal. And my proportions, better than they ever have been. I was learning to draw by doing just that...DRAWING! And not just by drawing anything, but by drawing the same thing. The human figure. Over and over. Each and every class. I know I learn things better by repetition, but I'd never really thought about applying it to my art.

I eventually began leaving class feeling very satisfied with what I had accomplished in those three hours. Last week, as I flipped through my drawings from class, I noticed the gradual improvements as I neared the latest ones. That was exciting! Then Doug, my professor, even mentioned to me personally that I'd been improving, that my forms were really fitting together. That was even more exciting! Toward the end, I actually looked forward to figure class. I even got brave on Monday and moved my stuff all the way to the opposite side of the room so I could test out my new "powers" on the most extreme angle I could get, with the figure very foreshortened in a lying-down pose. I very much enjoyed myself.

And it has nothing to do with drawing a "naked person." No, it's so much more than that. For me, I just get stuck in my own little world. Drawing, meditating... just being. Being, with a stick of charcoal in my hand. Being, with my eyes on the beauty of light and shade washing over the human form in all its splendor. Being, with a heart that praises God for such beauty. It was nice to finally find a place to just be.

Today was my last class to draw from the model. :( When I walked in and saw the couch set up, I moved all the way to one side again, thinking I would have another foreshortened pose. But, to my disappointment, the model chose a leaning, seated pose. But I still had fun! Next week we are having our final crit, where we choose our best/favorite piece, while Doug chooses our worst one and puts it up next to the good one. I'm nervous and excited at the same time!

Anyways, I think I'm newly obsessed with drawing the figure. I'm signed up for another figure class next semester, too. Woo hoo!!!

A Room With A View

2007-11-06T14:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, I know. Rather than using this blog during the semester, I've been journaling in a small sketch book. Not just writing, but many other things. It's been a place where I can do whatever, wherever, and whenever. I can take it with me and scribble among the pages as I see fit. I've try to do something everyday, even if it's not all that creative. I want to get into the habit of making certain things a daily practice. I've slacked off for far too long. What kind of artist would I be if I never actually made art? So my little journal has held priority over this blog as of late. But here I am, for now. It's nice to come back to this once in a while.

This year I'm rooming in the back of F-Complex. There is a beautiful view from my window. At least, compared to previous semesters it is. Some people might not find anything too great about looking out at buildings and a few trees everyday. And true, it's nothing spectacular. But every morning, I am in awe of what God shows me.

For one thing, the sun comes up on my side of the building so that every morning the sun shines, it comes right through my window. Also, there are some trees off to the side that have been reminded by the season to change the colors of their leaves. I'm on the second floor, but from the back it's really like three floors up, so I get to look right into the tree tops. They are lovely, especially when that morning sun shines through them and the leaves sparkle and glow. My favorite is this red tree whose leaves are so bright in the sunlight that not even the greatest of painters or photographers could capture the essence of beauty it has. Sometimes I just stare at it, admiring the work of the Greatest Artist of all.

Another thing I am blessed with just about every morning is that I get to watch the birds. Sometimes crows, sometimes seagulls, and sometimes rarer birds like bluejays and woodpeckers. I watch them fly around, landing in the trees to perch for a while, or just resting a moment before flying off again. Again, maybe not the coolest thing ever to some people, but I've become increasingly inspired by birds. I think they are such amazing little creations of God. I've had to draw parts of them for previous ilustration assignments, and have since become drawn to them. How they fly, how their wings work, all that underlying structure stuff that I find fascinating. There is also a beautiful hawk that flies around campus from time to time, and I am so in awe when I am fortunate enough to catch it in flight, right overhead. There have also been a few special moments God has given me with this magnificant animal.

So...yeah. I like the view this year. I am so blessed! Oh, and I want an owl skull someday. Their ears are asymmetrical! How cool is that!

Clues

2007-08-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

(I'm not sure which blog I'll mainly be using to post art on...)

These are a several of the clues I made for Adam's return home (see last post). Unfortunately, both our plans got very turned around by the time he got back, so it didn't go exactly how I wanted, but it all worked out in the end.

The original picture for one clue, which I made out of magazine cut-outs, tape, and the like.

This is what it looks like now. The middle piece on the top row is darker because I had it in the oven and my sister happened to make cookies without seeing it there. I had been sleeping so I was unable to save it, but it seemed to be okay anyways. Woot!

These are some of the other clues, not in any particular order.

This one you actually have to read in a mirror.

Re-Creative

2007-08-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

(Yes, I posted this entry on my other blog, but it's such exciting news for me that I decided to post it on both blogs!)

(It didn't scan as well as I would have liked...but here it is!)

Just when I thought I lacked any creativity whatsoever anymore, or the modivation to stick to anything I start, I had this spark, an immediate urge to create. It came yesterday and so I took out some old carpet samples, and scrap materials from a sculpture piece I did last year, in an attempt to make something with them. I started working outside on the picnic table until the weather forced me to move indoors. There isn't much of a place for me to work at my house, as far as art projects go. No one comes home and sees my stuff as work in progress; they see it as a mess. So I spread my stuff on the island in the kitchen, a surface my dad really dislikes being cluttered with stuff. He wasn't home, which I took advantage of. When I reached the point of just not knowing what else to do with the little door piece I had created, I moved onto something else.

I had typed up some clues for a quest-like thing for Adam earilier in the evening, and so I went back to print and cut them out. I've made those... "quests," I guess I'll call them... before and always have so much fun thinking up clever ways to get from one clue to the next, even having some clues hidden online or with a friend or family member. The clues theselves can get quite involved, or at least I think they so (Adam's pretty good at figuring that stuff out). Typically, the clues are typed out or hand-written and most of the thought goes into where and how I am going to hide them. Last night, however, I thought it would be fun if I gave the appearance of the clues a little more attention. With this newly rekindled drive to create something, anything, I was willing to do it.

The very first clue I made was really what inspired me to make all of the clues specially. It started out slow as I tried to figure out what to do with it. Instead of leaving it in it's very straight forward, typed document look, I decided to cut out the lines of type and tape them onto calligraphy paper. Then I just started adding stuff, experimenting. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

Of course, the intriguing idea to do all this did not come until around nine or ten o' clock. So I ended up pulling an all-nighter, not wanting to lose the counter space, which I surely would by morning when my dad came home. But also because I was afraid that if I didn't keep going while I was in the zone, I would lose interest the next day. And I didn't want to lose the ideas that I had at only that moment, ideas I did not know how to write on paper because half of them were experimental on an as-I-went basis.

My favorite experiment was sort of an accidental discovery. Glue had not been working too well and was taking a lot of time. Normally, I would take the time to make it work if I had to, but as much as I was on a creative spree, I lacked the energy and, in turn, the patience. I grew achingly exhausted as the late hours of the night turned into the chilly, early morning hours. Anyways, the discovery I made happened when I had laid out the computer paper stips of text on top of the calligraphy paper how I wanted. I then attempted to apply the tape, but the static of the tape caused the strips to "jump" off the paper and cling to the tape before I had put it down. I was quite annoyed when it did that because I had to carefully pulled the strips off, which made them curly and harder to work with, and reposition them.

I think it was the second clue I worked on that the discovery happened. I found that when the text-covered, little strips were pulled away from the tape, they left behind a layer of ink, allowing the tape to act as a transparency, like the ones used for overhead projectors. And all I had to do was stick it to something, the text being visible, the tape not so much. I ended up using more tape than I thought I would when I started. The nice thing about it is that the original text was being removed from the paper completely, provided I was careful not to rip the tape away.

I'll try to get some images of the clues while I have the scanner available. But for now they are still hidden as Adam has not don't the quest yet. I'm just hoping he doesn't read this before then. These images, on the other hand, are the envelopes to the cards my dad got for my cousins' graduation party today. He asked me to write the names down and have everyone sign them, everyone being me and my two sisters. Eventually, I found myself doodling little designs in the corners. Then I broke out and just had fun with them, creating little scenes and characters.

Although I wasn't aiming to make masterpieces out of them, I felt the simple creativity of it was enough to be meditative or theraputic for me. I don't know how long I worked on them, but by the end, I had worked it out so that each envelope would match up with the other two. I thought it a shame to let them go without saving them in some way, so I used our scanner for the first time. I'm not sure it picked up the blue ink all that well, but you can still get the idea.

I'm quite happy about these few, recent little projects I've taken on, especially because it's on my own time and not deadline time. I hope this is not merely a passing creative bug.

Non-Meaty

2007-08-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

My cat and dog are watching me eat a delicious burger, probably hoping I'll slide some their way. But I don't think they suspect it's veggie.

Losing My Inner Artist

2007-08-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I've gotten this far for reasons that do not include skill or talent. Not even creativity. I used to be so creative when I was little, and I loved to doodle and draw all the time. I think my passion to create started the moment I was able to hold one of those big fat crayons that a little girl can barely wrap her hand around. That little girl, me, used to have a head full of ideas. Not really the kind that had been given deep thought. There were no hidden agendas back then. At least none that I can recall. They were simple things, but I still felt like I knew what I was doing. I had no rules to follow except those of nature, which I tried to the best of my ability to copy based on memory.

In kindergarden, I remember, the first thing we did was draw in our journal-type books. We could draw anything we wanted, but the teacher would call on some of us everyday to share with the class what we had drawn. The boy who sat across from me always scribbled these big blobs of color that, to me, didn't make sense because they didn't look like anything. I don't know if he was really trying or if he just wasn't intersted, but it doesn't really matter. It was kindergarden.

Anyways, I can recall this one time that teacher called on me to share. I had drawn something like a cat tripping over a rock, but explained that he'd be okay because cats land on their feet. I remember I had tried to make it look like a cat, pointed ears and whiskers and all. And there was another time when we were split up into groups to make up a story about three or four dinosaurs. Then we had to illustrate different scenes of the story to put on a long piece of paper. The paper was then rolled around a couple cardboard tubes and put in a box with a square cut in one side, so that when you turned the roll of paper, only one scene would show at a time and could transition to the next scene. I distinctly remember my groupmates' disosaurs looking like scribbley blobs. But I had wanted to do a "long neck" one that eats leaves. So I gave mine a long neck and four legs and drew a tree next to it. Okay, so maybe in my five or six year old mind that's what happened, so that's how I remember it. Maybe mine was a blob like everybody else's. But I was still using my imagination.

In recent years, I find that my imagination just isn't what it used to be. I will get this urge to create, but can't seem to get my modivation going. I don't feel particularly inpired by anything, and when I am, I don't know what to do with it, how to incorporate it into a piece.

When deadlines for classes are set, I force myself to come up with ideas. Those ideas never seem to strike me as anything special or creative. I usually don't start "feeling it" until I've carried out a decent looking piece that derived from the sketch my teacher and I thought would work best. I wish I could get into it from beginning to end. It's like I've lost the passion to do anything on my own anymore.

I started two paintings this summer -which is better than the last couple summers when I didn't do anything- but neither of them got very far. I had the final outcome in my head for each, but once I stopped what I was doing to take a "break," I wouldn't go back to it. Is it that I am too lazy to mix paint and set everything up again? I don't know.

Another thing is that it always seems like everyone else knows what they're doing. They have complete control over their pencil or conte or charcoal stick or whatever. I know my bigest challenge right now is learning to lighten up and not go over my lines so much. I think I've definitely improved the weight of my hand, working from the general to the specific. But I am still unsure of myself when it comes to my lines, my proportions. I see what I'm drawing and I know exactly what I have to do, but when it comes to doing it there is this thing that keeps me from doing it that way. I'm scared to mess up. I can't make distictions between what's a good artistic move and what's not. At least that's what I end up telling myself.

There are certain skills I am trying hard to work up to. Better technique. Smoother values. Texture. Pespective. Straight lines in general. Composition. I don't know specifically what it is that keeps me from being at the level of my fellow classmates, those select few who seem to be masters at everything they put their hand in. I think I am very close, just not quite there. I'm sure not carrying a sketchbook with me all the time has it's negative effects, and going this long without drawing can't be a good thing. I feel like such a fruad as an artist sometimes. Like I'm wasting the professors' time because I'll never be as good as my competition.

I used to look at the world around me with such an artistic eye, making trees look more blue than they really were or pulling out the purple in shadows or studying aerial perspective while on walks or runs. Now it seems I'm just itching to be inspired. But I know that I have to get out and make my own inspiration. I can't just expect it's going to happen in my living room. Not that that's impossible, but I guess that's more of a reactive approach than a proactive one, which I should be aiming for.

I think it's about time I call up the little girl inside me and set up a play date.

Unintended Eating Disorder?

2007-08-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

The last time I was weighed at the doctor, at the end of June, I was down from 121 to 109. I didn't really know why there was such a decrease. I hadn't consciously changed my diet or anything. Honestly (and sadly), my summer has been spent mostly on the computer. Part of the reason is that I'm taking an online class, which I put a lot of time into. Other than that, I just haven't had much to do. I don't have a job this summer, and I don't usually have a vehicle available to go anywhere with because my sisters and dad all work during the day. And most of my friends have jobs during the week so I don't really see them. When the weekend comes, I am with Adam. That usually means I am in Rocky Hill with him. Even when we stay in Wolcott, there are errands to be done and decisions to be made about where and when to do things together. On occassion, there are family events and such. So weekends are extremely busy while weekdays are extremely uneventful.

I guess the only time I really eat a lot is when I'm Adam or friends or family. When I'm by myself, I get caught up in whatever it is I'm doing without paying much attention to time or what my body needs, unless it is in need of the bathroom. But I actually got really scared the other day. I was at Adam's house on a weekday, but there was no one home during the day. I was working on my online course, and just writing a lot in a notebook, things on my mind that needed to be sorted out.

I did get up to get a cup of yogurt for breakfast, but that was it until Adam came home at about 4:00. Even then we didn't eat right away. We both wanted to take showers before his friends came over to discuss the canoeing trip coming up. We decided I would go first. I felt very light-headed in the shower, with this strange feeling of weakness in my entire body. But I made it out okay. When I weighed myself on the bathroom scale, it read 104. I really wanted to get some food in me.

While Adam was in the shower, I started making tomato soup on the stove. I had a pudding or yogurt or something to eat while I was waiting for the soup to be ready, all the while feeling weaker and weaker as I stirred. His parents came home. They were in the kitchen talking about Desnise's bee sting. I was listening politely. Then the feeling of ligh-headedness and weakness became overwhelming. I felt faint. All I could think of to do was sit down because I could barely stand.

At first Tim thought I was just being silly and asked if I was melting. But when they saw my hanging head weakly shake back and forth, they realized something was wrong. I was slowly gasping for air. I felt so tired. When asked what was wrong, I managed to communicate to them that I felt really light-headed and dizzy. Denise ran to get a cold washcloth for my neck. Tim stayed with his hand on my back. I was reassured I'd be okay and they insisted I just stay sitting for a while. Denise took care of the soup for me.

When Adam came out shortly after and saw me sitting on the floor, he picked me up and brought me to a chair at the kitchen table. He told me I had to eat something. I couldn't even lift my head off the kitchen table, though. It seemed like all of my energy had escaped me. Upon seeing my disposition, Adam carried me to his bed and laid me down to rest. When he brought the soup in for me, I had trouble sitting up by myself, so he lifted me against some pillows and used a plasic drawer kind of thing as a makeshift table for my legs. I was barely able to lift the spoon to my lips, but was finally eating again. I finished two bowls of tomato soup and some of a slice of potato bread.

I couldn't really eat anything solid because I had had my wisdom teeth removed several days prior. I kind of blamed that for my lack of eating more. I had gotten tired of yogurt and pudding and applesauce. But it's really no excuse for not eating. I want to get better about eating more. I have to stop "forgetting" to eat and start remembering to take care of myself.

I think the way I've been spending my summer days has made me very lazy to the point where I'm not doing that. Wow, that's really lazy! How can I not eat? I pee when I have to. Might as well eat, too. I don't consider myself anorexic, but I don't want to become like that, even if I don't mean to.

It's kind of strange. Most girls, I would think, would be happy about weighing less. But I don't care about my weight in the sense of wanting to look a certain way; I just want to be a healthy weight. In this case, I want to get back upto the weight I used to be, around 120. It's kind of funny that I want to gain weight and Adam wants to lose weight.

My Clever Pets

2007-08-01T21:43:00.001-05:00

I should be writing the paper and doing the discussion board topic, but I just realized how awesome my pets are.

My dog, Ruby, is so cool! She learned how to open the sliding screen door to the backyard. So she can let herself in or out. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of shutting it behind her, but it's still cool that she can open it. She first started opening it by the giant hole in the bottom of the screen, but now she just nudges the frame with her nose.

My cat, Rumpel, learned how to use the hole to his advantage, too. When he wants to come in or go out, he squeezes through it.

The other cat, Rogue, figured out how to open pretty much any door in the house by clawing at it with her "hand." She used to only be able to do it if the door was cracked ever so slightly, but now she can do it if the door isn't latched all the way. Sometimes I'll think the door is completely shut, so when she tries to open it I don't think she will. But no. She gets it open anyway.

My pets rock!

A Simple Waiting

2007-07-24T16:55:00.000-05:00

Just waiting for Kaylee to get home from work. Emily is at the family computer, typing away. She is waiting, too. The three of us will be meeting our dad at Ruby Tuesday this evening for a family dinner out. It's been a while, and I'm looking forward to it. I do wish I had known about it sooner, for just about an hour or two ago, I made macaroni and cheese for myself. I'm still pretty full. But I don't need to be hungry to spend time with them.

Kaylee's home now. We have a fly problem. Swatter time!

[Correction: We went to Olive Garden]

Desert

2007-07-19T18:13:00.000-05:00

The desert is dry and hot and uncomfortable. That is, for someone as human as I it is. I feel thirsty. I can see the heat rising off the sand in the distance. It plays tricks on the eyes. It tries to deceive unsuspecting travelers, who are lost and can not seem to find their way back to civilization. Were they not so susceptible to these hallucinations, they might not be stranded. I am one of them. I find I have passed the same cactus at least four times. I try not to walk in circles but the desert is having her way. At night, she is so cold. I shiver under the moon. What else is there to do but wait for the rain every day? Such a long way off it seems.

But a pillar of cloud and fire is set before me. I marks my steps and leads the way. He is taking me to water. He is taking me to safety. He is taking me to the place where it will rain for days. He will not be angry that I was lost in the desert, but will greet me with opened arms and proclaim my return. He is love. He is my love. And he is in me and with me and for me. Someday, He will lead me to the place where my thirst will be forever quenched, and the water on my lips will be delicious.

The desert is a wonderful place to wait. How much sweeter will be the day I come out of such a place!

My 100th Post

2007-07-11T00:52:00.000-05:00

HIV/AIDS has become such a huge epidemic. No, I'd rather say it's a pandemic because it's worldwide. If you are wondering what sparked this topic, I'll let you know that I am taking an online course about AIDS and epidemics. I've been looking at charts and graphs and reading up on the history of a lot of diseases, especially HIV and AIDS. It turns out that HIV infection is a HUGE problem and it's getting worse. True, there are not as many deaths from AIDS as there used to be, but the rate at which people are infected with the virus itself continues each year. In the 90's, it peaked. Now there is a consistent average of 40,000 NEW cases each year. And it's estimated that... I think it was something like 20-ish percent to 30-ish (again just an estimate)... Well, anyways, there are still a lot of people walking around who are infected but have no idea that they are.

And I'm curious. With all that we know about STD's and stuff, how could anyone not question every sex partner they have about his or her sexual and medical history? And if you are sexually active, how could you not get tested? You could be walking around with something that could ruin someone else's life! Is it really worth the one night of pleasure? Would you really trade that for a life threatening disease that you must live with?

And what can be done to stop it? I was originally playing with the idea that it could be made illegal to have unprotected sex if you have been officially diagnosed as being infected. I mean, it should be your responsibility to tell someone you are about to have sex with that you have an STD, instead of hiding it. Again, that's someone's life in your hands. But then there's the first ammendment. Shoot, I looked all over for it, but could find it. Anyways, the first amendment is that we have the right to live, speak, etc. However, they only apply to individual persons as long as they are not conflicting with someone else's rights.

For instance, murder. Murder is against the law because it conflicts with someone else's rights: the right to live! So if you KNOW you have a lethal STD and do not tell your partner, and you have sexual intercourse anyways, is that not a form of murder? Sure, the partner should have been smart enough to ask, but you are just as responsible. And what about drivers who are responsible for an accident and the person in the other car dies? Yes, they go to jail for man-slaughter. Of course, it was an accident! They didn't mean to spill their coffee in their lap and take their eyes of the road for that one second. They didn't know the light had tuned red... whatever. You see my point? Something so out of someone's control is still classified as a form of murder... and they didn't even know about it.

And what's the deal with accessory to murder? Just means you knew what was happening and didn't say anything... basically. Or that you helped but were not committing the act itself. An example I found online was that if someone were driving with friends in the car, and he suddenly pulled out a gun and shot someone in another car, the police would most likely charge everyone in the car with murder.

So maybe you're thinking, "Well, HIV doesn't kill right away. So it's not murder."

What about attempted murder? Poisoning? Ever see The Sixth Sense? How they caught that woman on tape poisoning that little kid over time through meals? (sorry if i just spoiled that for anyone) The point is, even though the kid was dying slowly from his illness, it was because she had been killing him slowly. So what if she had poisoned him just once and it did kill him slowly still? What's the difference between that and having sex with someone who doesn't know you have HIV when you do know? Is there a difference? You are risking passing something to them that will probably take years off of their life, which conflicts with their right to live. WOuld that not be an act of attemted murder, if not, even an accessory (if you wanted to blame it on the virus itself)?

Now again, these are just thoughts. I just think there needs to be improvement in how we are attacking this issue as more and more people are being infected with this deadly virus, and some who do not even know they are infected.

So if you are reading this, and if you are sexually active, PLEASE go get tested. Even if you and your partner have never had sex with anyone else before, you never know. Or if you are sexually active with multiple partners, GO GET TESTED OFTEN! Probably after every partner would be good. And you don't only owe it to yourself to get tested, but to those who you may have sex with in the future. And always ask your partner about their sexual and medical history. If they don't know whether or not they have anything because they haven't gotten tested, DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM!!! Especially if they have had sex with other people before. Encourage them to get tested.

Oh, and ladies, birth control pills or patches will NOT protect you from STD's. Either use a condom or don't have sex at all if you don't know his history. Seriously, (and this goes for guys, too) you may be totally turned on and stimulated, but it'll be worth giving up rather than finding out later that you have HIV or another STD, and that you probably gave it to five other people.

WHAT THE HECK!!! Is the world's addiction to sex going to be what does it in?

(This was a very long and aggravated rant. Sorry, I just want the world to be a better place. It just seems that if people could just keep their pants on long enough to ask the right questions, we would be a lot better off.)

wiggly worms

2007-07-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

wiggly worms in and out
i thought i had an assignment due tomorrow
but i'm so ahead that i thought i was behind
now there's time for rest
none for worrying
my love is outside mowing the lawn
what fun that must be with heat rash
i don't hear the mower now
he must be done
hooray hoorah
i can't wait to cuddle up
and we will nap peacefully
i squished the wiggly worms

Pickles

2007-06-14T17:48:00.000-05:00

I hate pickles.

Starving... One is a choice; One is not

2007-06-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

If I am hungry, then I can eat. I can eat if I choose to. There is no worry in my mind that I may not be able to eat tomorrow. Because I am just that fortunate, that blessed. To live in the United States of America, to have come from a middle-class family, and to have grown up not knowing the feeling of starvation... well, I've just been thinking about that. I know how I feel when I have not had much to eat in a day. But I can't even imagine what it must be like to go for days without eating.

And there's something else I don't understand. These people who have the opportunity to eat, but choose not to because they want to be skinnier. It's one thing to fast for health or spiritual reasons, but starving yourself to fit into some tiny box of society's idea of what is beautiful or "sexy" is sad. Not to say that people who do this to themselves are bad people. I feel really sorry for them. I wish there was a way to let them all know that they are beautiful, no matter what the world says, and that they are loved just the way they are. And I wish they knew that starving themselves is hurting the people around them.

Pulled

2007-06-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

So today was not quite an unproductive day. I sorted through my Facebook friends list, removing the people I either didn't know or that I really met only once and never talk to. I wasn't doing it to be mean or anything. Anyways...

In addition to the productiveness, I had to go pick up my sister, Emily, and her friend from school. Before I left, I lugged a big box of old computer text books to the truck. I somehow managed to lift the whole thing over the side and into the bed, but it was a bit of a strain. Why was I putting those books in the truck? Because my other sister, Kaylee, asked me this morning if I could bring them to the library to donate them. The computer company she works for no longer has a use for them. So I sleepily said I would, as I was still in bed when she asked. I didn't know how big the box was at the time.

So I decide to bring the books to the library on the way back from picking up the girls, since it was right on the way. In the school parking lot, I had to sqeeze through two parked cars that were nearly blocking my way to the pick-up area. It was quite frustrating because I was blocking someone who was parked in an actual parking spot. The two selfishly parked cars left just enough room for one car at a time to get by. Now there I was with this big pickup truck. I started to attempt the squeeze (and I was going to HAVE to get through if I wanted to turn around to exit) until two cars on the other side moved to get out through the small space. So I had to back up, being watchful of the many students that were heading to their cars. I was quite nervous when those two cars maneuvered between the selfish-cars and around the truck, and impressed when they came out successful. When I saw that there were no other cars coming through, and that the selfish-cars showed no signs of moving anytime soon, I carefully squeezed my beast of a vehicle through as well. Relief! But honestly! Why can't people just be more thoughtful when they park? I like knowing that if I park somewhere, other cars will still have plenty of room to get by. *sigh* Whatever...

So after I got the girls, we stopped at the library so I could drop off the books. Again, I had to lift the heavy box of them out of the bed. I couldn't do it on the first try, so I had to take some out and set them on the edge. Then once I had the box on the edge I put them back in. I slowly made my way to the door, struggling to carry the weight. Luckily there were handles on the side of the box, but eventually my fingers felt as though they might fall off. I tried to mentally get over the pain, telling myself that I was used to carrying heavy things at school and that this was no different. But this was heavier than most things I carry at school, even heavier than all the glass stuff I've had to carry. As I approached the door, I realized I was going to have no way of opening it. That is, until I saw the automatic door button. I pushed it and both the first and second door opened for me.

I set the books down on the front counter and explained that the books were for donation. The two women working talked between themselves about whether or not they were taking donations. Looking back on it, it's kind of funny. The fact that I had books to donate seemed to be a very serious matter. They went to check with, who I assumed was, the head librarian. I suppose working at a library can't be all that exciting (unless you are that into books, I guess) and for something out of the ordinary to happen, no matter how small, is more of an issue than one would think.

They went to a room behind the counter to talk to... I think they said her name was Karen. The wall between me and them was made of glass of some kind, and so I watched them discuss the issue. Judging by the expressions on their faces, and [Karen]'s slow and wary head movements, it did, indeed, seem to be a big deal. [Karen] came out to the counter, looking at me, then the box of books, then at me again. I almost felt like I was some unstable crazy person who might go off if these books were not donated. She said that they were not taking donations, but asked what they were, the whole time having a very concerned look on her face. I explained that my sister had asked me to bring them to be donated, and that they were from the company she worked for. That was really the extent of my knowledge about these books. She asked me what year they were, which sort of aggrivated me, having just explained that they were my sisters and I really didn't know anything else about them. So I said I didn't know, again saying that my sister asked me to bring them. She looked at the dates of a couple and explained they were too old to be used, and said they were garbage.

I didn't really care. I just wanted to leave, not being concerned with what happened to the stupid books. A simple yes or no would have sufficed. Eventually, I lugged the box back out to the truck. SO HEAVY!!! I totally pulled something...

Skills To Possess When Trying To Avoid the Inevitable

2007-05-22T09:46:00.000-05:00

Oh, happy little blog of mine, you seem so lonely.

There are plenty of other things I could/should be doing right now, but I've let a lot of blogging opportunities pass me by recently. So I am taking this time out of my morning to grab hold of this one.

Aunt Bethy was over the house yesterday with her new baby, and my cousin, Adam. (Yes, my new baby cousin has the same name as my fiance. Fun?) My dad is paying her to clean the house. So while she was cleaning, I was playing with Adam. He had been moved from the walker to a towel on the floor. I sat down and interacted with him. I think he's about five or six months old (or maybe it's three...I dunno), so there was only so much I could do. Although, perhaps the limits of playing were greater than what I thought, but I don't really know a lot about babies, so I kept it simple. Lift baby up and bring him down gently. He seemed to get a kick out of that. Take his hands and pull him to a stand, then let him back to the floor. He seemed to like that, too. I did these things for a while until he started to cry. Aunt Bethy explained that sometimes babies get over-stimulated and start to cry. So she said to just give him a toy and leave him alone for a bit. Sure enough, he settled down after I did as she said.

Later, she changed his diaper. I watched. I've never changed a diaper in my life. Not because I think it's gross; I've just never had to, nor have I had the opportunity to learn. It was nice to talk to Aunt Bethy though. She offered useful information about having kids for the first time, like how nothing prepares you for giving birth, but it's still not as bad as some people make it out to be. I'm sure I'll still be nervous, but it was reassuring to hear her side. She also said how it's unfortunate that these days they don't really teach girls how to raise kids or to handle babies. Rather, these days they teach you only how to be independent as a woman and that you don't need a man, which is true to some degree. But there are so many girls who have no idea how to deal with kids.

I am one of those girls. I grew up in a home of two parents and two sisters. My sisters and I are all close in age. My aunt grew up with two parents and seven siblings! The older siblings got plenty of experience changing diapers and taking care of kids because the younger siblings were a LOT younger. Their dad was working three jobs to support the family, while their mom stayed at home until the older kids were old enough to take care of the little ones. Then she went to work, too. So most of the kids grew up knowing about hard work and raising kids and working together as a family. There was none of that "be independent and take care of yourself" mind set. But they were learning to be independent while working together and serving each other, knowing the importance of hard work and love. Oh, and there were four boys and four girls, all nicely mixed in age. (girl, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, boy)

Okay, so that was then. That was a crazy big family. This is now. Families don't usually get that big anymore. But I do find it interesting that, although society today promotes female independence without men at all in the picture (unless negatively so), and the idea that it's okay to have as much sex as you want outside of marriage as long as you're having fun, there are now thousands of teenage girls and young women who are getting pregnant and have no idea how to raise a child on their own. I mean, you can promote do-it-yourself women independence all you like, and even neglect to teach young girls and teens about birth and taking care of a baby and all that Home Ec stuff (I guess because it implies that women only have one role to play and that role is being a stay-at-home mom).

But in the end, it really doesn't matter what kind of life you have as a woman. You can be single and independent, fine. You can be in a relationship looking to get married. Or maybe you like being in a relationship without the thought of marriage, still having sex. I mean, jeez! Even I could call it quits on marriage and life a life of pleasure, independence, and fun. What matters though is that women are still women. Men are still men. "Boys have penises and girls have vaginas." Women are the ones who get pregnant. Men are the ones who just fertilize the egg.

No matter what the culture is, no matter what society says is good and bad, God's perfect design cannot be changed. It can be manipulated by evil, but never changed. And so whatever effort the world puts in to telling women not to bother learning the essentials of a typical housewife or mother, the truth is that someday all women will need to know to some degree what makes a baby tick or how to cook a meal. You just never know when the need will arise.

My ideal life as a woman:
To be established as a successful illustrator, having a job that I worked toward with only the help of God.
To be married to a good and honest Christian man who respects women and does not feel superior over them.
To make love with my husband, without having to work to find love from other places. (To think, an endless supply of intimacy, commitment, and pleasure, and all I had to do was play the game God's way! Sweet!)
To have learned how to cook and change a diaper.
To have three children.
To retire at the age of sixty-five or younger.
To live with Jesus for eternity in Heaven.

I am a woman. There are things I wish I had had learned but was never taught, things I really should know. Thanks a lot, World. Thanks for teaching me to be a "real" woman.

Spring 2007 GPA

2007-05-17T20:13:00.000-05:00

So school's over again for the time being. We're getting into the summer now. It would seem I've been posting my GPA after each semester. So I guess this semester should be no different. 'Twas not as great a semester as the previous, but still much better than those of freshman year.

Spring 2007 GPA: 3.80
Overall GPA: 3.77

Not terrible. Not excellent. There is much room for improvement. And the funny thing... I got A's in my two least favorite classes, and A-'s in my three favorite classes. What does this tell me? That perhaps my priorities are not where they should be? Or maybe I'm just not putting enough effort into my priorities, especially my major. I'm quite disappointed in myself for not keeping up my level of quality in the drawing field. I've got to start getting more modivated, more gung-ho about my major. Hmmm...

Turkey Jerky

2007-05-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm munching on some of the turkey jerkey one of Adam's co-workers made. It's quite good. I still don't know how I feel about it not being cooked, but I'll make an exception for the flavor and chewy goodness.

If anyone out there is wondering what I'm doing writing a blog entry when I should be working on my final projects for exam week, then you should know that I actually can not do anything at the moment. The photo studio is closed, the glass studio is closed, and I don't really have to study for art history until a few hours before the test. It kind of scares me actually that I'm not able to work on anything, especially when I have so much left to do. Although, besides taking this opportunity to type an entry and eat jerky, I could potentially start cleaning and packing for Tuesday. Ah, Tuesday. I can't wait to go home! Soon... soon.

Okay! Shower time!

Rings are for Hobbits

2007-04-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

So I left you all in suspense, did I? Yes, I made it back home safely and the trip was great. I had an amazing experience throughout all of it. I've gotten back to school work and such since then.

And something wonderful happened yeaterday. No, I'm not talking about Easter. Although that, too, is a wonderful thing, the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. But something special happened to me and Adam.

We went to church in the morning, headed to a few other places, and then decided to get Subway for lunch. Adam took me to the grassy field near the sand pits. It was the same place he had taken me the day he told me he loved me. We had Subway then, too.

So we parked and had some deep and meaningful conversation while we ate lunch. Then he got out of the car and came around to my door and asked me to marry him. Well, that's the short version. And I basically said yes. So now we're engaged.

I've been telling people about it to share with them my joy. One of the questions that seems to come up the most is, "Where's the ring?" or "Why don't you have a ring?"

I must say that there are things more important to me than getting fancy jewelry.
But, Alyssa, it's significant!
Why? How is a little shiny thing going to make us more engaged than we already are? And I realized that it'd probably end up getting damaged or lost if I wore it in the shop. But even if I didn't have to work in the shop, I just don't want a ring. I'd rather we save his money for our future. I can't eat a ring, live in it, or sleep in it. It's just a piece of metal with something shiny on it.

Wedding rings are a little different, but for now, I don't need an engagement ring.

*edit- This is totally not to put down people who DO have engagement rings! This is just my view on having one, for me.

This Too Shall Pass

2007-03-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

The last week of school is over. The stress of getting projects done on time has been reduced to nearly nothing. There are still a couple things waiting for me after spring break, but for now I shall not think of it. Now I must focus on the spring break trip to New Orleans. I leave tomorrow at 6pm. I'll carpool with a few people, meet at New Haven, and board a coach bus. Then we'll be on the road for about a day. That's a lot of travel time! Luckily, I had my experience with a long road trip over the winter break, so I think I'll be somewhat prepared for that.

I must admit, I am nervous. I'm not sure if it's a feeling that something bad is going to happen, or just that I'm uncertain of what to expect in an entirely different part of the country, where disaster has stuck and we are the ones going to help rebuild homes. What will happen to me? Will I get to see my loved ones again after this trip? What does the Lord have planned?

I shouldn't be scared or nervous. I am in the Lord's hands. But still... the human part of me knows this is a big risk in a lot of ways. The long journey down, the work days to come, new people to meet and live with for a week, and the journey home. One week. Seven days. A lot can happen in that time frame. What, I don't know. And that is what both excites me and frightens me.

Well, if anyone reads this... not to be morbid or anything, but...

If something happens to me:

Chelsea can have my art supplies and art books.
Emily and Kaylee... Well, I guess you can have whatever you want that's left. Like my room.
I don't really have much.
Mom and Dad can have whatever artwork they want.

Adam can have my guitars and Bibles... And is left already with my heart. Oh, and whatever money I have in my bank of america account can go to you.

Any other money laying around goes to Intervarsity.

Um... Any cd's I own can be given to... whoever. Adam I guess, and then make sure they get shared with others.

This laptop I'm using right now should be returned to Uncle Mike.

Dad can distribute the rest of my junk to the family, including Mom's.

I hope everyone's praying! I need it!

Pre-Stress Downtime

2007-03-02T00:51:00.000-05:00

Right now blogging will be my small downtime before the stress of my busy weekend kicks in.

I've been captured by a song. It's a song I've listened to multiple times. And everytime I hear it I feel somewhat emotional. It's a song by Bethany Dillon, called "Beautiful." I think it speaks to the heart of every woman. As women, we often struggle with self-worth and self-image. We want to be loved, and we want to be beautiful. But most of us think we have very little to nothing beautiful about us. Some hide behind make-up, some wear revealing clothing, some dye their hair, some wear jewelry, some stop eating... the list goes on. There are many ways in which women are driven to create a beauty the world wants, when really, there is a beauty inside each and every one of us. And no, I don't mean just the inner beauty (though that is important, too). I am talking about actual, physical, visible beauty. Every girl, every woman, is a rose. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, skinny, fat, blond, brunette, a red-head, with green eyes, brown eyes, blue eyes, dark skin, light skin, large breasts, small breasts, round butt, flat butt, muscles, or flab. Every single woman is a beauty to be admired.

Beautiful by Beathany Dillon:

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Carrot Juice Fo REALZ!!!

2007-02-21T21:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just posted about 30 seconds ago. But Chelsea and I were discussing the idea of an all vegetable cleansing diet that would last three weeks. The idea appeals to me very much. I would be totally down with completely dumping the crap I normally eat to eat just healthy food. Chelsea's neighbors have done this diet before and claim they feel great after doing it. So... raw veggies for a week, juiced veggies for a week, and another week of raw veggies. Sounds exciting and challenging.

I also just had carrot juice for the first time tonight. I didn't think I would like it, but suprisingly, I really do! And it's pure carrot juice, nothing from concentrate, but 100% pure pressed. And what's even more exciting? Vitamin A: 700%. Great for the eyes! I think I would like to get a juicer someday, grow my own veggies, and live much healthier than I do now. That would be pretty sweet.

Go Veggies!

A Wretch Like Me... Saved?

2007-02-21T20:24:00.000-05:00

The past.
It can't be changed.
Ever.
It will forever remain attached to my old self,
of which I am still reluctantly part of.
I want nothing more than to put off the old self
and put on the new self
and be one with Christ.

But Christ knows all these things I have done.
He knows my past.
Yet He takes the blame
for all those terrible things
that I have done.

I am unforgivable
and still I am forgiven.
Everyday.
I am unloveable
and still I am loved.
Everyday.
I am unworthy
and still I am fought for.
Everyday.

How can You even look at me
knowing all these things I've done?
How do You forgive me?
How do You love me?
And how do You have the will to keep fighting for me?
I do not understand these things.

But then I see You.
I see You in him.
I see him forgive me
and there You are.
I feel him love me
and I there You are.
I watch him fight for me
and there You are.

I have hurt You.
I have taken You're heart
and made it bleed.
And somehow it doestn't matter.
I am Yours.
Forever and always.

Hot Rods

2007-02-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

I got burned for the first time today. No, not burned for the first time ever. Burned in the hot shop, where I am taking a class on hot glass fabrication. We just learned last week how to use the punty pipes and how to gather molten glass on them. So today after class, my partner Joe and I started practicing our gathering and marvering skills. Then at one point, after he had tapped one of his practice pieces off, he left for a moment. Of course, in the time when no one was around, I got burned.

It was nothing major. I just put my hand down on the pipe too close to the end. And believe me, you don't have to be all that close to be too close. I had sat down to make a cut with the jacks, these big tweezer things. I don't even remember why I put my right hand down when the left hand was supposed to be doing all the turning, but I did. My body reacted before I did. It hurt for a little while, but now it's okay. There's just a spot of raw, shiny skin on the inside of my pinky, right before it meets the rest of the hand.
But now I've learned. I know that I have to cool down the rod with water more often. And just because I got burned doesn't mean I should be afraid to work with hot glass anymore. I have to learn to get past the hurt. I have to move on. I have to make art. I can't make art if I'm afraid of pain or failure.

I really wonder if this will blister...

Under the Covers

2007-02-17T18:35:00.000-05:00

When I went to bed last night, I was cold so I pulled my blankets over my head to get warm. As I lied there I thought about the previous night. Adam thought I was cute, all curled up under the covers. He said it was like I was just hanging out under there. But I had been cold then, too.

Then I thought about being a little kid. I used to hide under the covers when I was scared. I thought that being completey under the blankets would somehow protect me from monsters or bugs that might be lurking in the room. Eventually, I would fall asleep and awake to the safety of daylight.

And then I considered my life now. I no longer need to hide under the covers from things that scare me. These days, I run to my Father God. He is my shield, my protector, my... my blanket. The entire Trinity and all the Truth of the Gospel are my covers. In the arms of the Lord, I have nothing to fear, even in the darkest of nights.

A Break to Blog

2007-02-14T14:01:00.000-05:00

It's Valentine's Day. Classes are cancelled for the rest of the day due to inclimate weather. I have all day to work on my illustration, which is amazing because I just found out yesterday that it is due tomorrow(Thursday).

I just stopped to look outside at a seagull Chelsea pointed out. There were also some boys wrestling each other. It was quite amusing. I'm typing with one hand. Not for any reason in particular, I just do that sometimes. I've gotten pretty good at it as far as I can tell.

Well, I'd better get back to work. I feel like I'm wasting this wonderful span of free time on things that don't really matter. Blogs, email, guitar, etc. Seriously, I'm going to draw from now until I have to eat dinner. And then I'll draw some more.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Case Files

2007-02-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to blog for a long time now. Ever since school started, it's been rather difficult to do so. Everyday I find something that I want to write about, but due to my ever-busy schedule, I can't. Also, in the "free time" that I do allow myself, I read. I should be eading school related things, but I've picked up this one book that I just can't put down. I read it every chance I get!

So this book, The Case For A Creator by Lee Strobel, has got to be one of the best books I've ever read (and I'm only into chapter3 ). Strobel holds a Master of Studies in Law degree from Yale Law School and a journalism degree from the University of Missouri, and he was awarded with Illinois's highest honors for both investigative reporting and public service journalism from United Press International. He is also the formal legal affairs editor of the Chicago Tribune.

Anyways, he became an atheist when he was a freshmen in Highschool (1966), after studying the theory of evolution in biology class. Later in life, his wife Leslie became a Christian, which drove him to investigate the claims of Christianity, to gather only hard facts from reliable sources.

In the book I'm reading now (he's written others like it), he interviews highly creditted scientists about specific topics. He re-evaluates the theories that once led him away from God, only to find that most of what he learned in high school has been proven false. And something I found out, from his first interview with embriologist Johnathan Wells, is that a lot of what they still teach out of textbooks about evolution as fact has actually been disproven by scientists of all kinds for at least a hundred years. Even I had thought evolution was proven true and that it somehow fit into my faith anyways. I guess reading into things is really good, especially these days.

So yeah... Great book! I highly recommend it! And it's not just a book for people who are skeptical about Christianity, but for Christians, too. As much as I believe in God, it is hard to live on just blind faith. This is a book that helps to answer my "why" questions. I read Strobel's The Case For Easter last year and I loved it. It was very enlightening. I encourage everyone to read anyone of his books. He's also written The Case For Christ and The Case For Faith.

I thought it was impatience, but I'm just anxious...

2007-01-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

Anxiuos
I wait
A painful wait
I must say

To endure
I must
Just be patient
Day by day

Lord God
I am
So blessed here
Though I wait

Fall 2006

2007-01-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

Ok... I finally got my grades online for the Fall 2006 semester. It was MUCH better than I thought it was going to be.

Fall 2006 GPA: 3.93 (Praise!!!)
Spring 2006 GPA: 3.68

Fall 2005 GPA: 3.64

Cumulative Average: 3.76

And just in case I haven't mentioned it yet, I've decided on my major. Illustration with a minor in Sculpture. Although, my sculpture professor would rather me major in sculpture and do a minor in illustration. But he said, if anything, I should try to do a double major. That would be fun, but a ton of work (more so than now) and a ton a money.

But wow! God is GOOD! I know that I definitely CAN do ALL things through God who strengthens me! Woot!

Laugh Tracks

2007-01-11T17:53:00.000-05:00

As I sit at my computer at in Wolcott, I wonder when Kaylee will be home. I'm going to visit my old youth group in Meriden tonight, but I need the car in about half an hour to get there. She has the car so I can't go anywhere until she gets back (and I don't like to drive the truck because it's old and unreliable... at least for me).

She's home now. Sweet. The only sound in the house besides Kaylee and Emily conversing is the television. I wasn't really watching it before, but what I heard caused my mind to formulate a particular thought, an viewpoint of sorts.

I've realized that I don't like laugh tracks all that much. Actually, I became so concious of it during the show my sister was watching that it really annoyed me. I'll admit that some of the jokes really were humorous, but not so much so that every following joke was just as humorous, if that's even makes sense. I guess I just don't like it when shows need to indicate where things are supposed to be funny. I like being able to decide for myself what I find funny. I don't want an automatic crowd telling me where there was supposed to be a joke, which apparently occur every five seconds.

For example...

Character#1 sits on a couch. Char.#2 enters, doing something unusual. Laugh track. Close up of char.#1's suprised facial expression. Laugh track. Char.1 then inquires what the heck it is char.2 is doing. Laugh track. Awkward silence with a sly look on char2's face. Laugh track. Char2 leaves the room, then returns to say one thing, then leaves again. Laugh track.

Now depending on where this kind of scene is placed in the show, certain things might be referring to things seen earlier in the show. That might happen with reoccurring jokes, etc. Anyways, I still thinks it's annoying to hear the laugh tracks. It's like saying, "You're too stupid to understand this humor, so let us help you out. Let us show where things are funny and you can laugh accordingly."

Well, I've really got to leave now. And now there is a show on, going through the entire procedure on a girl getting breast implants. (I can't see what's happening, but I can hear the play by play of the surgeon.) He keeps saying how she's going to be beautiful. Yuck! You can't be made beautiful if you already are beautiful. And all women are beautiful. I don't care what anyone says. Even I'm not always comfortable with how I look, but I would never go out of my way to change how I look, especially surgery.

Amazing Grace

2007-01-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

God's grace has got to be one of the most profound things ever. Even when simply put that grace is something that is undeserved but given anyway, it is hard to grasp. Why should someone get what they don't deserve, especially if they are so undeserving? This is the mystery of grace.

I used to think that I was surely going to hell for having committed so many sins. But I have learned otherwise. Even now people who don't understand what Christ did for the world will ask me if I think certain things are sins, sometimes strange questions. "Alyssa, do you think it's a sin to kill bugs?" I usually don't know how to answer that one. But no, I don't think it's a sin to kill bugs, nor do I think it's beneficial to go around stepping on bugs just for the "fun" of it.

I remember once, when I was still a brand new Christian, a friend of mine who isn't a Chistain challenged my faith by telling me about his ex-girlfriend's level of religiousness. He said something like "She goes to church and believes in God, but she's definitely NOT a good Christian by your standards!" As if I were the one whose standards everyone should live by. I'll admit I was hurt by it, but I didn't know enough about my faith to know how to defend it. I wanted him to understand that I had a real relationship with God now and that I, too, had done a lot of bad things in the past, and that despite those things, I was still saved. But he didn't understand. He wasn't listening. He heard the words I was saying but his preconceived notions of Christianity were set in stone as far as I could tell.

Ever since the fall of man, when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate the forbidden fruit, we have been born into sin. Before Christ, man had to work under the law and perform many specific rituals and sacrafices. It was by works that we were saved. But then God sent His son Jesus Christ to save us, because we weren't doing so well at saving ourselves. Actually, we were really bad at it. And we still are. We just can't save ourselves! We are flawed, imperfect. And so Jesus took all of our sins to the cross with him. Then after he rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, the Holy Spirit came down (I just learned that yesterday, actually). The Holy Spirit is what dwells within us. And it is grace that saves us, grace through Jesus Christ. We were born into sin and choose to do the wrong thing very often in our lives, but every time we DO sin, Christ takes the blame so that we may be right with out Father in Heaven. Doesn't seem fair, does it? No, but that is the way of grace.

There is sort of a catch. Grace IS for everyone. It is a gift from God. As with any gift, you don't have to work for it or buy it. It is free. But also with any gift, you have to reach out and take it. God doesn't care what you've done in the past, good or bad. He doesn't care how many hours of community service you've put in or what commandments you've broken. He just wants a relationship with you. He wants to take care of you. But He can't force you to take His gift. He can't take care of you if you don't let Him. And you can't save yourself. Only Christ Jesus can do that.

One last thing in regards to sins, for those who are still wondering about it. There is no sin that is worse that another. A sin is a sin. There's no point system up in Heaven. Whether you steal a pack of gum from the convenience store or a piece of priceless art from a museum, it's still stealing. And stealing is not a lesser sin than murdering someone. Both are sins. What matters is genuinely feeling sorry for what you've done, and the desire to change. (And by the way, killing someone and murdering someone are not the same thing.)

And so, though we who believe in Christ as our Lord and Savior still mess up and sin like any human being, we are undeservingly forgiven by God through His amazing grace.

I grew this heart into a drifter
Never felt the roots I bare
Sold my sight, oh brother, sister
For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone
Only God knows, God knows where

Soul was restless for redemption
Feet were lookin' for a place to stand
Well, I ain't got no life
And you know I ain't got no money
Just the faith of an empty hand

Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

Hitched a ride, I was a beggar
I had murder on my hands
I needed water to rinse these stains
But only blood could remove what's spillin'
And pardon me the blame

Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

-Jars of Clay

The Truth Will Set You Free

2006-12-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

He is very good at using miscommunication against us. Words, sentences, sometimes whole convorsations even are misinterpreted. Because of this, anger or hurt can be given birth to. And they grow until an understanding is reached. If we don't get things settled, he just keeps using it to get his way. He just keeps feeding off of our weaknesses. And we don't even realize what he's doing most of the time because he hides himself.

Who am I talking about? Who is it that plays these tricks on us? Yes, the evil one.

The other night, Adam called my cell. We had planned to talk before bed, while making sure we would both get to bed early. He asked me what I was doing. At the time he called, I was in Kaylee's room with her and my mom. There was a show on, House, playing on my Kay's little TV. I was just sort of hanging out with them, watching the screen. I didn't know what was going on because I don't follow House, nor do I care to. I don't really watch television anymore. It doesn't catch my fancy like it used to.

Adam knows this. But when I told him that I was watching House with Kaylee and my mom, something inside him heard, "I'm busy watching your favorite show, while you have given it up to talk to me, but I will talk to you later." That is not actually what I said, but that is what was interpreted, and it hurt him. I then told him I was all ready for bed. So he said something along the lines of , "Oh, okay. I guess I'll talk to you later then." It was a very strange goodbye, but I wasn't sure why. I hadn't picked up on his hurt because I had no idea there was such a misunderstanding between us.

Later, when he called back, he was very upset. This time I picked up on it. I think he said something like, "How was House?" And I mentioned that I hadn't been paying particualr attention. Then I asked him if he was okay. He told me to wait. There was a pause. Then he came back and said that he had just needed a moment to cool down. It turns out he was actually angry when he called this time. But we figured out where the misunderstanding had been. I reassured him that I would never choose a television show over him. I would have much rather talked to him that try to figure out what was going on in a show I never watch. We both apologized for what had happened and went about our nightly, bedtime talk. Next time we will be more careful about letting Satan take his hold on us like that.

How easily we fall from Truth! That Truth was present the entire time, and yet we were deceived, fed a lie. That is how we fall. We trust a lie over Truth and get hurt. I hate evil. I wish to cling to what is good. I don't like feeling an unease between me and my love.

Let me say "I do" (to Jesus)

2006-12-19T00:41:00.000-05:00

I should be in bed, but there is a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. It is my excuse for now. I can't help it. I am wide awake. I guess that's what happens when one sleeps until half past noon. And as it is, there is lots on my mind. And I just feel like writing. Not for long, though, because I want to uphold my end of the bargain. Urbana is coming soon and this week is needed for rest to prepare. I also hope I have something else this week, regardless of its unpleasantness, so that I do not have to put up with it AT Urbana.

I'm trying out this new font. Or at least I think it's new. I'm not really sure what font my other entries are in. Actually, I'm not even sure if they consist of serifs or not. Whatever. This will do for now.

Oh, man! God is so good! It took I while to get where I am now, and I am still struggling to get closer to where I want to be, but God is good through all I've been though and what I must eventually come to.

And now I shall close with some lyrics from a Jars of Clay song called "Only Alive":

I'm a fair weather friend
I'm a colorless view
but I'm willin' to make a deal
If you think you can make some faith here inside
I'll drive off and marry you

I'm only alive with you
I can't get by and I won't get through
So put me in the river and let me say I do
I'm only alive with you

Cherry Scented (inspired by a night with Chelsea and Craig)

2006-12-15T01:04:00.000-05:00

A woman exited her place of work one Friday afternoon. It was lunch time, and she wanted to try out the new deli down the street, instead of the diner she jogged five blocks to everyday. The deli was only two blocks away, and so she thought that if she liked it, she would be able to sit and eat slower before rushing back to work. Her cell phone rang half way there. She dug through her purse to get it. Just in time.

"Hello?"

"Judy? Hey, this is Linda."

"Oh! Hey, Linda! How is everything?"

Linda proceeded to thank Judy for the good work she had done on the last project. Judy was slowly moving up in her field. She was pleased. She was almost at the deli place when suddenly, two hands grabbed her from behind and pulled her into a quiet side street and into the empty doorway of an out-of-business jewelery store. The hands spun her around with great strength and pushed her against the door.

Staring Judy in the face was a man in a black ski mask with a gun in one hand. She was so stunned by all this that she had nearly forgetten to scream. So she started to scream, but the man aimed the gun at her face. He threatened to kill her if she didn't cooperate, and so she stopped.

"Listen, lady," he said forcfully. "Just give me your purse and you won't get hurt."

Judy handed over her purse with a shaking hand, not saying a word. He snatched it away and began rummaging vigorously though it. Finally, without warning, he shoved it back into her arms and insisted she had never seen him. Then he ran off into the distance. Judy was still in shock and breathing heavily until she heard Linda's voice yelling into the receiver, which snapped her out of it. She moved the phone back to her ear.

"Judy? Judy???"

"Yeah, I'm here," Judy replied.

"What in the world just happened?"

"I just got mugged."

"Dear, God! Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'll-I'll call you back, Linda."

"Please do. I'm so scared for you right now."

Judy hung up with Linda and proceeded to the deli. She went inside and sat at one of the little square tables. She had been very confused as to why the man in the ski mask didn't take her whole purse. She opened it and looked inside, expecting to find a wallet or something valuable missing. To her astonishment, everything of value was still present, but she remembered having seen him take something and shove it in his pocket before she saw what it was. She decided she had been lucky enough and didn't want to dwell on something so small.

Later that night, Judy entered her appartment and was greeted by her cat, Pete. She moved to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Before getting under the covers of her warm, comfy bed, she picked up her purse, looking for the very thing that would sooth her chapped lips. But she couldn't find her cherry scented chapstick anywhere. She knew she put it in her purse because she had just purchased it that morning on her way to work. Then it dawned on her that it was her chapstick that the man in the ski mask had taken.

Judy remained baffled for weeks. But somewhere in the city there was a man whose chapped lips were healed and smelling of cherry.

Donuts, Soft and White

2006-12-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

When my sisters and I were little, our mom would put together a Halloween party each year for us and our friends. We did something a little different every year, sometimes bringing back games from the previous year. One of the games my mom thought up involved donuts, the big, white powdery kind from the super market. I don't remember if she got the idea from somewhere else or if she was inspired by something similar, but we had a lot of fun with it.

The game started out with a two donuts hung from suspended hooks (not fishing hooks, more like plastic hangers). The object of the game was for two kids to go head-to-head in a donut-eating race. Whoever finished eating his or her donut first won a prize. What made the donut game even more challenging was that you weren't allowed to use your hands. And so you kept them behind your back while racing. It was always entertaining to watch people ty to eat donuts while the hooks swung around wildly and hit them in the face, getting white powder everywhere. (I think I'd like to do stuff like that for my kids someday.)

Why did I suddenly recall this childhood memory? I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to incorporate it into one of my artworks in the future. Most likely sculpture of some sort.

I really like sculpture.

Need Sleep (Need God More)

2006-12-10T03:35:00.000-05:00

Something is off, but I'm not quite sure what. I went to sleep at about midnight, right after Adam left. I must've slept for only two hours before waking up suddenly, without any particular reason known to me. I sat straight up, turned to look at the clock, and fell back into my pillow. I heard Chelsea and Craig talking. Not wanting to listen in on their convorsation, I closed my eyes and tried desparately to fall back to sleep, but I just couldn't. And I couldn't help but to listen to them talk. It was a spiritual topic they were on, so I must say I was intrigued, but I felt nosey still. Then I wondered, Did God wake me up so that He could talk to me through their words. Maybe. I think I did get soething out of it, but I can't really formulate exactly what. Then I had somewhat of a coughing fit and had to get water. I knew they must've been worried with all the noise I was making. But I went straight back to the pillow, fine again.

They prayed together, out loud. In my head, I prayed along with them. Then, for some reason, I just sat straight up, staring ahead at nothing, wondering what it was that was bothering me. Chelsea asked me if I was all right. I nodded. Craig asked if my breathing was okay. I nodded again. And I just sat there for a good two minutes, sort of dazed.

I laid my head back down and for some reason I began to cry. Not sobbing or loudly expessing sadness, just some heavy tears falling. Then with my eyes closed again, I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I heard Craig playing Mary Had A Little Lamb by flicking his cheeks. They looked over smiling and joined me in laughter. Finally, they turned out the light and went to bed.

But here I am. I have not been able to sleep again. I am very much awake, though I don't know why. So by now I've gotten out of bed, sent my dad an email, and written a blog entry.

I wish I could figure out what's wrong with me lately. And, God? I miss you...

Flurries

2006-12-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

The moment I pushed the door open to leave, I felt the chilled air surround me. It went for my hands, my ears, my face, my neck, and every other exposed place it could get to. I began to wish I had brought my scarf with me, but all that I had was a sweatshirt with a hood.

The journey home seemd much longer than usual, and all I wanted to do was get out of the cold as soon as possible. I made my way past the sculpture building, across the parking lot, and down the walkway towards the commons. I thought about retreating to the commons for warmth and food, but decided against it for whatever reason. The wind continued to sting my skin as walked.

I realized then that I was very foolish for having forgotten a scarf, and also that I should start wearing a coat. Even if I am running late for class or in a hurry to get somewhere, it would be so much more worth the effort just to take those few extra minutes to dress appropriately for the weather. But, oh, how I can't stand the cold!

And then something wonderful happened as I neared the back door of my building. I saw several small, white specks float by me. Snow flurries?! I didn't know for sure, but it was then that I saw the advantages of being cold. Sure I hate being cold, but without the cold weather, we would not have snow. I would be very sad if I never saw snow again.

When I got inside, I waited until Chelsea and Orie were ready to go to dinner. Finally, Chelsea and I headed outside to meet Orie. This time I brought a scarf. Upon exiting the building, we were captured by the millions of dancing snow flurries. They were light and gentle, and they whirled around us in the chilly wind. All the way to the commons they dazzled us with their wintery ballet.

I like snow. I am excited about the upcoming fun it has to offer, not only to me, but to everyone. And I cannot wait to see the flurries become splendid snowfalls.

Here It Comes

2006-11-27T11:03:00.000-05:00

It was one of those moments, the kind that should've been prayed over before I said anything. But it happened. I said it. And, honestly, that is how I felt(and still do). It was probably a blah-snatch-gulp thing, only I skipped the second step in that sequence. Perhaps I am sick of waiting. Impatience is not good. Only God's timing is perfect, not my own. I don't want to jump into something that is not ready to be jumped into, like a pool without water.

So why did I not stop myself from saying it? I don't know. God does. He knew I would say it even before I did. Because He knows everything and will use everything in accordandce to His plan. I just don't know quite yet what role I am supposed to play in that plan.

Oh, my... Here it comes.

Okay, the last few entries were not very understandable for many people, I'm sure. Here's what's going on right now, something for all to understand. Although, it is very unrelated to any of the previous entries, or even what is written above.

I am sick right now. I decided this morning that I was much to weak to make it through my morning class. And although I really need to get work done, I wouldn't have been able to do much anyways in this physical state, especially since I'd be working with sharp blades. I'm pretty useless when I'm sick like this. I'm feeling better after having gotten some much needed sleep, and so I think I'll make it to my next class.

I had three dreams last night and this morning, all of the exact same thing. I deamt that I woke up and went to classes only to realize that I had forgotten my keys. That also meant that I had left the room unlocked, which meant I could still find a way into the building and just knock on the door of the suite until one of my suitemates let me in. But it was still very frustrating to have forgotten my keys. Then I would wake up into reality. Each time I told myself I would not forget my keys before leaving. The second dream was a little different in where I was in the dream, but the part about forgetting the keys stayed the same. In the third one I really thought it was real. I was so upset because I had already dreamed twice about forgetting my keys, and here I was without them. Now I am fully conscious, typing this entry. And I have not yet forgotten my keys. Crazy though... not one, not two, but THREE dreams about me forgetting my keys!

In other news...

Chelsea (my roommate) is not back yet. I found a message in my voicemail this morning from Craig explaining that they wouldn't be back Sunday. Apparently, Chels is pretty sick, too. I think we have quite a bit of partner work coming up, and I'm not sure what it is. Darn. So much work to do...

Here it comes.

le sigh...

2006-11-21T04:33:00.000-05:00

still working on illustration... i've decided upon an all nighter.

sigh...

To the people in Corinth

2006-11-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

I had a deam one night that he told me. The day I awoke was the day he told me the same. Since then I have dreamed another. And in it he told me even more. But this one has not yet come true. I am waiting for God's timing. The first time was his. This is no different. But I am anxious. I burn with a passion that could get me into trouble if I am not careful.

Oh, my God! Give me the strength and patience to get through this sense of longing.

Sigh... Dearest 1Corinthians...

How I Wish...

2006-11-19T00:53:00.000-05:00

I wish I was a better listener.

I wish I was better at offering adivice.

I wish I was better at formulating opinions.

I wish I was better at being there.

I wish I was better at understanding.

I wish I was better at remembering.

I wish I was better at knowing when you were hurting.

I wish I was better at knowing why you were hurting.

I wish I was better at comforting you.

I wish I was better at paying attention.

I wish I was better at praying for you.

I wish I was better at showing you that I really do care.

I wish I was better at loving you.

I wish I was better at a lot of things.

But most of all...

I guess I just...

I wish...

I wish I was better for you.

I am so flawed.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anything.

And yet...

Praises be to my Jesus!

Slippery Meat

2006-11-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

Today was interesting. Or maybe not as interesting as it was frustrating. This morning in illustration I had to clean the ink out of my portfolio, the ink that had been kept cleverly in little covered containers. The containers are not as good as containing as I had hoped, but they should be fine as long as I keep them flat, not upright in my portfolio. Luckily, my stippling piece had been covered with a sheet of tracing paper, which prevented ink from getting on it. For the rest of the class I mixed my values again, and then touched up my transferred imaged on the watercolor board. Chelsea and I decided we'd skip our scheduled evening class to attend Bill Thomson's evening illustration class.

After a midday math test, we headed back to the room. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I went to the commons to grab something. There wasn't much to eat since it was the in between time and the staff were getting ready for the next wave. So I ate what I could before hurrying back to the room to meet up with Chels. Then we headed out.

As we left our building, there was some guy yelling out the window for everyone to hear in sort of a chant. It was very uncomfortable to listen to because it involved him boasting about the size of his penis. It was disgusting. And it's not like I could cover my ears, because I had a massive portfolio in my hand. Sometimes I wish talking obscenely like that would count as one of those against the law, like indecent exposure or something about being offensive in public.

But then there's the whole freeom of speech thing. And yet, I don't really understand. I found this simplified description of the indecent exposure law:

Indecent exposure laws in most states make it a crime to purposefully display one's genitals in public, causing others to be alarmed or offended. Indecent exposure is often committed for the sexual gratification of the offender, and may reach the level of a sexual assault if any physical contact is made.

I see this as a way to protect the public from forcefully seeing things that they do not wish to see. But without that law, people would not have a choice as much. Sure they could look away, but they shouldn't have to be face with things like that. Of course, I am generalizing. All I'm trying to get at is that if there is a law to prevent indecent exposure visually, how can there not be something that prevents people from swearing in public or from talking about how big their "dicks" are or what great sex they had last night. I think it would at least be beneficial to stop people from yelling about it in public. Fine, talk about it all you want. I'm all for free speech, but don't tell the world how big your sexual organs are! I'm so sick of hearing about the party weekends from complete strangers when I have no chice but to listen to it. You can only tune out so much, and if someone is yelling about all the awful things they did to their body the night before, with an unnecessary swear before and after every word, it's almost impossible not to pick up on some of it. And a lot of it is really depressing to hear. All I can think is how much of the student body is killing itself with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex.

Wow. I sure got away from what I had planned to talk about. I had a sandwich from konover and the meat was very slippery and hard to eat. Okay, bedtime!

Remember, Alyssa...

2006-11-10T01:04:00.000-05:00

This entry is actually a reminder of things I need to do this weekend, starting tomorrow. Just in case I forget something. I will be making a list of these things, but if for some reason the list gets lost or forgotten, this entry of a reminder will be available online for myself.

My weekend to-do list:

-work study (not that I would really forget that)
-buy garbage bags for dorm room
-go home to get geometry notebook from highschool (math project...)
-interview with Adam's mom fo AUC class (I should probably write those questions for it)
-two plates for design by Monday
-transfer illustration for Tuesday class
-go to Jerry's to get new set of wells for ink wash
-sculpture... crap! get card board, find out prices for paris craft and mat board
-look into prices for electric eraser
-figure out financial B.S. with Dad and the school
-tissues
-pop corn

Well, it is far past the time I had wanted to go to bed. Actually, I didn't really have a specific time, but it should have definitely been a while ago. At least I distracted myself with cleaning the room and packing. Okay so... I still haven't even packed yet, but that will be next. Then brush teeth and wash face, then sleep. Oh, man... I can't wait for the break. I need an affordable time to be lazy. Free time here is so costly. Blah! Okay! Going now!

Adam, I love you!

Illustration Major +

2006-10-31T20:34:00.000-05:00

Ah...

Last night, I got to bed at a wonderful time. About 10:30PM. I had finished my math paper the night before so that I wouldn't have to worry about it the following night along with an illustration piece, both due today. So I finished the illustration last night at a very decent time. Then I was able to get ready for bed and cuddle up with my dear, Adam. I fell asleep fairly soon. The only time I awoke was around midnight when he had to leave. I got about eight or nine hours of sleep total. It felt great! I would like to get more sleep like that if I can help it.

So anyways... I had my critique this morning in illustration. It went exactly how I thought it would. I was not at all into the piece, not happy with my technique, not content with the values, and unsure how to resolve the hair on the girl in the picture. I liked the composition, but overall, I didn't like the outcome of the piece. And as Chelsea and I walked to class, I predicted just how my crit would go. I would tell the class that I wasn't very satisfied with the piece, and they would like it anyways. And that is what happened. I explained how I felt about it as best I could, but my teacher said he didn't agree with me. My classmates took his side and said they didn't know what I was talking about. The only thing he said that needed fixing was the hair. So, at least I don't have to go back into it too much, especially since I didn't enjoy working on it. Whatever.

Okay. Something somewhat unrelated that has been on my mind: what should I major in? What do I want to focus on while I'm here at the very expensive University of Hartford? What field am I most likely to find a job in? What can I do for a living and still have fun with?

All these kinds of questions had been haunting me (ha ha... Halloween-ish reference) for some time. I talked to my advisor last week about majoring in illustration and minoring in design. So I figured out my possible schedule for next semester (after I talked to him, had to go back for approval). But I came to the realization that I don't really like design that much, even though it would be a smart choice for my career path. I'm just not into sitting in front of a computer for hours straight. And I'm slow at it because I don't have a great handle on the programs. My other thought was to minor in sculpture because I like to build things and work with my hands. But I know I have no future in sculpture. So I finally figured out that I'm going to stick with design and get what I can out of it while I'm here. And even if I don't go anywhere with it, I'm sure the things I learn in design will not go to waste. I can apply it to other aspects of my future career. And maybe I can even do small jobs with it that knowledge. Like flyers for businesses or clubs or whatever. I've done stuff like that before for people I know. Very small, simple things, like just conveying information to people.

So when I came to that thought, it was easier for me to tell my advisor I was going to stick with the design minor. And what the heck? I can still do other things outside of my major or minor without having a concentration in it. Like sculpture. I like it enough where I can probably do it on the side. Maybe as a hobby. And I know somewhat how to paint if I wanted to.

Whatever. I'm going to bed now. Or work on my stippling piece for the showcase on Thursday.

Good night.

"Spending Time"

2006-10-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

Just so happens that my schedule is empty
But still there's no room for You
The time has come and gone
Things have come along that take me away from you
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?
When we first met I remember I'd do anything for You
But as the years go by
I let my attentions slide
And I'm pulling away from You
Don't take this the wrong way
You're so perfect
And everything tells me
You're so worth it
Spending time with You
Not a moment goes by that
You're not by my side
Spending time with You
You're all that I want
Why's it so hard to do?

These are the lyrics from a Stellar Kart song. They may not be deep or profound, but I can relate to them. I think that is what I like the most about my favorite Christian bands. Not only are they clean songs to listen to, but they make it clear that Christians are not perfect. I know that I am far from perfect. I can try to be a good person, but if it is not for God, then there is something missing from my life. I go through each day with good intentions, but lately I have felt far away from God. And it hurts. I feel empty. Passionless.

This song does not speak to me as much as some songs do, but having listened to it a few moments ago, I came to the realization that I've been doing exactly what the song mentions. When I do have free time in my busy college schedule, I tend to do everything except spend time with the One person who created me, the One who holds the plans of my life. I don't know what happened to the girl who was once so on fire for God and was willing to go where ever He sent her, but I wish she would come back, even if just for a visit so that I might experience true joy of the heart again.

My roommate and I had started the year doing daily devotionals, but we eventually fell out of that routine. It's sad really. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, like back when I was Catholic (and I'm not downing Catholics; I just found a different path for my spiritual journey). Although, I still get more out of church now than I did back then. I dunno. I'm just meandering through the siritual flatlands right now.

Anyways... Stellar Kart. Cool band. Fun music. Yeah.

Overwhelming

2006-10-17T15:42:00.000-05:00

I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating in financial worries. I know not what to expect of my future, my career and such. Right now I am in art school. The one math class I am in is interesting, except I am rather lost. We are covering the section on financial issues, like credit and interest and loans. It's scary to think about. But Chelsea and I are going to study it later to get a better understanding. That will be good. I want to understand. I really do. It's just hard.

Today during class, our teacher brought up the paying back of loans by relating with us an example involving paying back college loans after our four years here are done. It was so overwhelming to think about. On top of that, my calculator stopped working. I played around with the batteries and it still didn't work. Finally, I asked him for his extra one. I was then very frustrated because I was behind and didn't know what information to put in the calculator. I don't know the programs enough whereas if I had to take a test, I wouldn't do very well.

With all these frustrations building up, I could feel my face getting hot and the tears fill my eyes. I tried desperately to understand, but to no avail. I was so lost and confused that I started breathing very heavily. I would have started hyperventilating had I not convinced my body to relax. I took deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth. I don't know what clarifies a panic attack or a breakdown, but I think that would have been mine if I had not been in a room full of people.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Everyone else seems to know what's going on and to be getting the right answers, but I am completely stumped as where to even start the problem. It's times like those that the evil one tries to bring me down. He knows I'm scared of all those numbers and technology-based programs, and he tries to convince me that I will never be smart enough and to just shut myself off and give up. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time he wins over me. Especially today. I even tried to pray during class while I was regulating my breathing. But I was so distracted by everything else, thoughts of a costly and in-debt future, the confusing math problems, and little understanding I had for the calculator programs, that I felt like I couldn't even focus enough to do that. And so the evil one got the better of me.

Sigh... I am still scared of the future, but I want to learn to trust in God more. He's already brought me through so much so I don't know why I have so much trouble putting my faith in Him. Well, he's gotten me through 19 years, soon to be 20. Yuck! That's another topic for another day.

You spent how much on what???

2006-10-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

I just want break from work. I am grateful that I am actually getting some sleep this semester, but I am just at the point where I could really use a break. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I'm getting sick of these illustation projects. Not because I don't enjoy illustration, but because the deadlines to get assignments done are almost unmanageable. They leave me feeling overwhelmed and helpless at times, like the only way to accomplish anything is to go out on a limb with very limited resources.

For example, our newest piece is to involve a Halloween theme. He really expected everyone to dress up a model in a costume and take reference shots over this weekend. I don't know what other people are doing for their reference shots, but I found out that it is very difficult to get off campus without a car or without someone with a car. I guess some people might have costumes around their dorms, but I know I don't. And even if I did, it would have to work with my idea for the piece and hold to the requirements of the assignment. So that means the whole process is something like... figure out which idea you're sticking to, find a way to get materials or a costume (which pobably means you'll end up spending money on a ridiculously priced something-or-other), find someone specific to model (because if your idea calls for a little kid, you can't just throw a witches hat on a random dude), set up your light source as best as you can, and take as many reference shots as you can because chances are the teacher's only gonna like a couple of them. Then... Print out all your reference and waste a ton of ink on nice glossy paper when he only picks a couple. And on top of all this running around and spending thirty bucks on scratch board, there are big assignments for other classes that must be done.

So my weekend? Betcha think I might've had a hard time. Well, I didn't. I didn't even get to finish everything, but...

I know Superman. He keeps me company while I work, so you can only imagine how awfully wonderful my weekend was.

But I still need I break from work so I can spend more time with Superman, as well as with God.

On a softer note:

2006-10-13T08:31:00.000-05:00

Okay... So this post will not be as angry as the last one. Or at least I don't think it will be. I'm not really sure because haven't finished writing it yet. I have just finished a bowl of rice crispies. Soon, I will have to give up this seat to the surrounded air as I make my way to my work-study job. Not that I will be late for a specific time, because I can pretty much go when I choose (that was the indirectly said agreement), but I have set that goal for myself so I don't slack off and waste my day. For I have work to do elsewhere as well. School work.

Anyways...

Darn. I had some things on my mind I wanted to write about, but they have left. Or maybe they haven't and I am just distracted by the little time I have left to get ready for work. So I will leave this:

I love Supeman. There is only one of him. No other man can compare in strength, courage, or the ability to aid his loved ones. He fights for Truth and justice. Not only is Superman a fighter, but a lover, too.

I am Kitty. I love Superman.

Stupid Blogger Text Box!!!

2006-09-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

I just spent an hour writing a blog entry. I selected all the text once I was finished to copy what I had written so that if something happened to it during publishing, I would be able to paste it again. Okay, so I practice my keyboard shortcut knowledge. Stupid, I know. Not the time to be practicing stuff. But it seemed simple enough! Press SELECT and press the down arrow key, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. NOPE! Not on Blogger! Instead (and I just tested it on this box of text... after copying it the way I know how first) it erases everything!!! What the heck!

GRRR!!! Now what happened??? I was in the middle of typing and something randomly erased the last thing I typed! Ok... I'm going to work on my illustration now! Oh, yeah. No one reading this knows what that means or where it came from because that entry is now gone. I'm so aggrivated right now! Stupid technology!

Got milk? No, actually... I don't.

2006-09-27T22:16:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I've ever had to drink my tea without milk. The honey is there, but there is no milk present because I've not had the chance to go to Konover to get some. It's hard to keep up on every little thing when you're at college. Whatever. I've still got my tea, and even though it tastes strange without its cool, white companion, I think I'll manage. I must learn to cope with things that don't always go my way. Not always will I have the things I desire at my fingertips, but then again, they are just my desires. They are not necessities (sp?).

Well, that's it for now. I've got to get back to work on my illustration project and I've been slacking on it all night. I want to get some sleep before tomorrow's math test, but that won't happen until this drawing gets done.

Woo hoo! Tomorrow's Thursday, my favorite day of the week! And for additional reasons this time...

I Wasn't Ready

2006-09-19T20:01:00.000-05:00

I am ninteen.

I've been eighteen. I've been seventeen. I've been sixteen. I've been fifteen. I've been fourteen. I've been thirteen. I've been twelve. I've been eleven. I've been ten. I've been nine. I've been eight. I've been seven. I've been six. I've been five. I've been four. I've been three. I've been two. And I have been one.

Nineteen is still only a small fraction of a hundred. A hundred would be a lifetime. I am not even half way. Or so I'd like to think. I do not actually know when my time will come. Perhaps nineteen years is more than half of what I have left. But it doesn't feel like it. I still have much I would like to accomplish before I go. And yet, if Jesus comes to get me before I am ready, then I will be ready anyways. Being with my Father in Heaven is by far the best accompishment I could ever fathom. And I'm sure I can NOT even remotely fathom it.

Anyways...

Sometimes I think I'm not ready to face certain... events. Particular things I come across in my life I do not feel I am able to tackle at this age. I know society puts me in some kind of category of adulthood, but I still feel afraid of the world outside the education system. I've become content and safe here. College is just the extension of high school, another comfort zone before having to face the real world. I know God will lead me through the trials I face, but I'm still scared. There will be times when I don't follow him closely, and I will fall, or even fail. And even though I am nineteen, I do not feel like I have grown up enough to be faced with those things. I see other people coping with challenges of independent living better than I ever could. I just don't know if I'm ready.

But I'm not only unsure about issues with living on my own. How do people know when they are ready for starting relationships? Or ending them? At what age do you have a clear, untainted view of what a realationship is supposed to be? Even now I feel so young, still a child at heart. And I there are times when I think I'm doing everything wrong, or not doing the things expected of me. I get so confused. What does God want me to do? What is the enemy telling me to believe? What's me talking and what's the Holy Spirit talking? I'm so immature. What do I do?

And there are the ages I know now that I went though where I was not ready to face the things I did. I experienced things I was not ready for, and am still not ready for. I learned things I should not have learned about until later in life. Well, it is what it is. I can not change those things. But I wish I had the wisdom to see things clearer in my present age. I am such a naive, little girl. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Sometimes my ignorance leaves me feeling so distant from those who have a better sense of what is going on. It causes me to fear confrontation of most kinds, even among people I am close to at times.

And being in school, I want to focus on my work. I'm not ready for conflicts or compexities that deprive me of that time. Even conversations I have with people sometimes are so over my head that I shy away. I fear in-depth conversations usually because I can't understand them as much as I wish I could. They end up over my head. I try to understand. I really do. But somewhere along the way in my life, I passed by the important things by paying too much attention to safe, familiar things. I didn't challenge myself. I wanted to be little forever. Mom and Dad took care of everything.

I have ideas, but I am not always confident of them. My thoughts on life even seem so amateur. I have opinions, but they are childish and unstructured. This is just how I feel sometimes. I need to find my balance. Sometimes I do, but many times not.

There was so much I was not ready for. I was too young. I am still too young. It scares me. Will I ever know what to do? Will I be ready when the time of importance comes? If I am faced with that trial, will I respond the way God needs me to? I'm so confused. I know about certain things, but when it comes to applying them or involving myself in them, I want to be ready, or at least know when I will be.

An Answer to Prayer

2006-09-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

Now listening to the Flyleaf album. I really like this band. It's not often I come across music on my own that I both enjoy the style and lyrics. And the melodies are very catchy. I also like the guitar riffs. Anyways...

I noticed last night that I haven't been having the wierd body spasms when I try to sleep. For some time over the summer I would start to fall asleep and randomly, without warning, my body would shake. It started out very small a couple years ago and only happened once in a while when I would get very sleepy. It was more common on the nights that I was pushing myself to stay awake. When I started twitching, I knew it was time to go to sleep. Eventually, these twitches went away, but started happening again over this past summer. They actually started scaring me when they prevented me from sleeping. That only occurred that badly a few times, but when it did, I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired. Everytime I would start to fall asleep, my body would spasm so hard I was forced to stay awake.

One of those bad nights happened once while I was back here at school. I was so afraid it was going to stay that way during the year. Then last night, I became aware that I haven't been twitching at all lately. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but I'm very happy that it hasn't been a problem. I don't know if the spasms will start up again in the future, but for now I just need to try to go to bed at decent times, or at least not pull all nighters anymore.

I really don't know why it stopped. I know I had prayed about it before, but I have a feeling someone else was praying for me, too. Praise God for his faithfulness! Praise be to His glorious name! I am ever so more convinced that God answers prayer, especially when they are from the heart.

A Curly-Hair Day

2006-09-14T07:34:00.000-05:00

It's kind of rainy outside right now. It is not actually raining, but the ground is wet and the sky is pale and overcast, suggesting that more rain will come. I am not even going to attempt straightening my hair today. Not that straightening my hair is that important to me. I just like to do it once in a while, but the weather somethings decides whether or not I should. Today is a curly-hair day. Some girls would call it a frizzy-hair day. The moisture in the air makes it difficult to do anything with one's hair, especially if hairspray is not involved. I don't like to use hairspray. I have hairspray but...

Today will be a curly-frizzy-hair day.

Chelsea just got out of the shower. We're listening to music this morning. We listened to it all night, a shuffled list of songs that kept playing up until now. And it is still going. Ah... music. It's so nice. The Wallflowers are serenading us for the moment. On top of a good morning, it is a Thursay morning, so we know that the weekend is very near. Not only that, but it begins as soon as our last class is over today, at 3:20. "It's Friday!" Chelsea exclaimed this morning. I pumped my fist in joy. Okay, time to get ready for Illustrastion class.

Dot...dot...dot...

So Wonderful Is Nothing

2006-09-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

You were created.
Wonderfully.
And you are.
Wonderful.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.
Come home.
So I can stop.
Missing you.
I know you.
Have not been gone.
For too long.

But still.
You are.
Wonderful.
And I miss.
You.
And think nothing.
Blah!
For now.

My eyes.
Are just blue.
Crystals.
For you.
To look through.
And you know.
So well.
What goes on.
In there.

And what.
Was this?
Typeface.
Who bid farewell?
Upon arrival.
Very well.
I miss.
You.
My wonderful.

Billy and Susie

2006-09-08T18:50:00.000-05:00

He waved a pickle in my face, and so I scrunched up my nose in disgust. With a laugh he drew it back and popped it in his mouth. Why does he do that? I wondered. I don't taunt him with the things he hates, like the color pink. I'd had enough of his insensitivity. I pushed my back in my chair to leave. I wasn't hungry anyway. Billy's expression suddenly became one of concern.

"Wait," he said.
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
"I..." he trailed off.

I could see he was searching for the words to say. But I was fed up and didn't feel like waiting around for his apology. I rolled my eyes and headed for the door, but something prevented me from moving forward. He had grabbed my wrist. I looked back at him, tugging to get away, but he held me firmly. His eyes were fixed on mine. I had never seen that look on him before, and so I stopped struggling. As I sat back down, he pushed my chair in like a gentleman, which was something else I would never expect from him.

"I'm sorry, Susie," he said. "Really."
"Then why do you act that way?" I asked skeptically.
"I just..." he trailed off again.
"Tell me! You just what?"
"I just didn't want you to find out that I..." He looked down, as if contemplating. He looked up and retuned his gazed to my eyes. "...that I really like you."

It took a moment for me to process this new information. Then I said, "Yeah, okay! Pull that on some other girl. One who's a little more naive. Now let go of me!" Without waiting for his response, I jerked my arm out of his grasp and ran out the door.

I heard a commotion behind me. Billy had tried to follow, but the waitress started yelling at him for not paying the bill. I found out later that two bus-boys had tackled him before he made it to the door, and that a woman's table had gotten knocked over, spilling food all over.

That same woman, I heard, had gotten hot coffee spilt on her and sued the diner for making the coffee too hot. She also sued the company that made the styrofoam cup the coffee was in, claiming the top was not made to fit right (and that's why the coffee spilled in the first place). She also sued the company who made the table she was sitting at because the table was not made sturdy enough to withstand three men falling onto it, and that caused her food to crash to the floor, splattering her in the eyes. In addition to suing the diner for making the coffee too hot, she sued them for not making the food right, and for making it too splatter-prone.

I had a nice evening once I left that diner.

Thursday To Be the New Friday?

2006-09-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've updated, I know. Actually, I probably won't be updating that much in the near future. I'm back at school, the University of Hartford, and with school comes much work, as well as social time with friends. I am in my dorm room right now, just got back from my illustration class. Soon I'll be off to Gengras Student Union for lunch with my amazing roommate, Chelsea. Then we'll be off to math class. Blah...

Well, since my last update a lot has happened, but I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I got to move back in earlier than most people because I volunteered to be one of Howie's Helpers. Howie is the mascot of our school, a hawk. Howie's Helpers is the name of the move-in crew that helps freshmen and their parents unload their cars when they move in and bring their stuff to where they are staying. It was quite rainy that weekend.

The first week of classes was fairly easy as we were introduced to new teachers and each of their syllabuses. My Tuesday night honors class, I realized, was going to be way over my head, and so I dropped it as soon as possible and added another course. Now I'm in Adult Journey with Chels.

It's kind of funny, me and Chels being art majors living together. On Tuesdays now we have every class together: Illustration, Math, and Adult Journey. Thursday is the same thing, only without Adult Journey because it meets once a week. On Mondays and Wednesdays we have all different classes, but they meet at the exact same times. It's nice that way because we'll be less likely to get sick of each other.

Anyways, today is Thursday. Thursday has always been my favorite day of the week, and now it is even more so. Why? Because I don't have Friday classes! Woo Hoo! Now, Thursday becomes the beginning of my weekend and Friday is just like another Saturday. So, in a sense, Thursday is my new Friday. Actually, a lot of my friends don't have classes on Friday.

Now I can work as late as I want and not have to worry about waking up early. Or I can go to bed early and wake up at a decent time to start homework. OR I can just stay up, hang out with friends, go to bed really late without doing work, and sleep in. Whatever.

Well, by now I've already gone to GSU for lunch with Chels, and have come back from math class. And so my weekend begins!

A Little Look At Love

2006-08-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

[This entry took me a while to finish, but here it is. Inspired by the many AIM and facebook profiles I've read.]

I wish people wouldn't use the word "love" so loosely. Love is more than just a strong liking for something or someone. Even the main definitions from dictionary.com seems empty when it comes to love. Or at least I'm a bit disappointed by it.

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.

4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

I've seen enough relationships throughout high school to learn a few things. A love-hate relationship where a boy and girl do nothing but fight, break-up, have sex, and get back together is not a real relationship at all. It becomes a physical and emotional game, leaving both parties confused, numbed to actual love, or empty with only a temporary solution, which in most cases is a physical, sexual one. Or perhaps they have become so accustomed to having a boyfriend/girlfriend that they just don't know what to do with themselves when they are apart.

So I ask you, how is that love? Isn't love supposed to leave you feeling satisfied always, full of joy and peace, and without anxiety? I don't understand relationships that seem to be going so well that the couple says how much they love one another... every five minutes. They are always together, never spending time with friends anymore. Because suddenly, this other person is more important than school, family, friends, and other priorites. They spend every waking moment together. It's almost sickening. But they "love" each other. They care about one another. So much so that they must constantly be aware of where the other one is going.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"Oh, okay. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Then before they part for the expected two minutes, they embrace and kiss. Upon return, "I missed you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The word love loses its meaning and it becomes just that... a word. Eventually, one party starts to feel suffocated by the perpetual outward affections, which aren't affections at all but insecurities. It becomes too much and that person misses his or her friends and family. And college is right around the corner. How can there be a relationship that involves so much time and still be time for school work? Eventually, there is break-up. The party receiving the news of separation can react in a few ways. They might fall into a depression, a stage of self-pity. There is suddenly no one else on the earth who will love him/her. They have nothing. Or perhaps they go into a state of anger and accusation against the person who did the breaking up. Where did the love go? I thought you guys couldn't get enough of each other. Now, you're yelling and screaming, saying how much you hate each other. Or maybe the broken-hearted party spreads the aweful break-up to friends, looking for comfort in other people, and for them to take sides and believe that he/she has truly been wronged.

These are just examples, of course. But they are based on much of what I have seen in relationships today. Where is the love? Is it really loving someone if you are afraid they might fall down the stairs every time they go to the kitchen for a drink? And is it really loving them if you can't let them out of your sight for a second?

What about those girls who see a "hot" guy and instantly "fall in love" with him? Sure, you can find someone attractive, maybe be infatuated with their smile and cool clothing style, but that isn't love. THAT is what I might call a strong like. Liking can be temporary. It is not love. Or what about the guys who drool over the models in magazines. They fall in love with a girl's body, rather than the girl. How easy it is for a guy to tell a girl he loves her with words. Yeah, maybe he thinks she's a nice girl with a cute face, but her body isn't as appealing as that other girl's. And he doesn't really agree with her ideas about saving the rain forest.

But girls can be the same way. I've had a lot of girl friends who judge guys based on their looks or talents. "Oh, I don't like him. He has a big nose." Or "He's so scrawny and has no muscle. And his teeth are crooked! Gross!" Or "I like him. He has a nice car!" Or "He's so cool! He's in a band. He plays guitar and drums and he has awesome piercings!" Or the most repulsive form of judgement, "I bet he has a big dick! Just look at his feet!" Blah blah blah... It's all garbage. NOT love. I don't even think it's considerate or caring of people in anyway to decide whether you even like them or not. Again, where is the love? Do you even get a vibe from people like this that says love? Or does it say infatuation?

As far as sexual passion, sexual intercourse, or a love affair being an equivallent to love, as mentioned in the above definitions, I must disagree. Sure, there can be passion in sex. It's in movies and on tv all the time. And certainly sexual intercourse itself is the act of a man and woman (or what have you) coming together to... have sex. But to have sex does not mean love is present. The phrase "make love" is a more romantic way of saying to have sex, but you can't actually make love out of sex.

Do the men who pay for prostitutes actually love them? And do the prostitutes truly love the clients they sleep with? Just the fact that they are clients, people who pay them for a service, just shows that for them sex is a business. (I'm not putting down prostitutes. I feel horrible for what they go through every day. I wish they didn't have to sell themselves like they do.) And the pimps who sell them don't love them. Not really. It's all about money. "Oh, you have a vagina, do you? Why don't you use it to make me some money, and maybe I'll give you a place to stay." How horrible that is! That is not love! That is possession! It is abusing something that was meant to be precious.

I don't think I even need to explain a love affair. I can assure you that having an affair might work out for the one in it, but the one being cheated on sure isn't feeling the love. And when things boil down, no one is left happy. There is only mistrust and hurt, maybe separation and divorce. These things do not come from real love.

"An intense emotional attachment..." I don't know about you, but that seems more like a definition for obsession. Sure, I care about my pets. I could even go as far as to say I love them. They are part of the family. But when it comes to real love, they are still just animals. And of course I hope nothing bad happens to them. When driving, I avoid hitting squirrels at all costs. It hurts my heart to hear how some people treat animals. Animal cruelty really gets to me. And maybe is it just that I care deeply for the living things God put on this earth. If it is love, it certainly is a different kind. But I shall not get into that, either. This topic of love is all to broad. But I know that to love material items is not real love. Things cannot satisfy the heart, nor can people. But people, in my opinion, have a better chance at filling the void in someone's life than animals or things do. Aah! Moving on... this entry is getting way to long!

My impression of love is something that should be unconditional. Like the way a parent loves a child. (That is an entirely different topic I will not discuss here and now. I know not all parents show love toward their children, but for my point's sake, consider the traditional family set up if you would.) To truly care about someone is to let them be themselves, forgive them when they do wrong, help them in their times of need. It should be an outward and inward act more than an emotional feeling or attraction one gets toward someone. Even my own interpretation of it is bothering me here. So I shall turn to the most reliable of my sources. A book that is so simple and so profound that it can be looked to for all of life's questions and concerns. And it comes from the Creator Himself. Bible time!

Some passages I found involving love:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:9-16)

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1Corinthians 13:1-8)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13:13)

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. (1John 2:15-17)

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death... This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1John 3:14, 16-18)

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us... And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1John 4:7-12, 16-21)

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
(Joel 2:13)

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
(Proverbs 17:9)

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17)

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
(Proverbs 27:5)

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
(Solomon's Song 2:7)

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
(Solomon's Song 8:6-7)

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
(Hosea 2:7)

The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, "You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you."
(Hosea 3:1-3)

Again I must tell you this is a very broad topic. There are different kinds of love. Love for a spouse, love for friends, love for family, love for God. But all these things come from the Lord. God is love, and therefore we are able to love. So when I hear people use the word love so carelessly, it takes away the realness of it. I see the their profiles and whatnot. Things like, "I love to get drunk!" Or "Steve, I love you, baby!" A week later it is replaced by "Steve's an asshole. I love Brian!" And how it hurts me to hear kids tell their parents they hate them. To say you love someone is simply verbal. To act upon love is something better. And I don't mean to act upon sexual urges, for even that is not the essence of love. Well, the Bible is pretty clear on what love is and how we must love and who we must love. These have been my thoughts on the matter.

Peace and...love!

My First Road Adventure Driving Standard

2006-08-23T10:44:00.000-05:00

Ah! I have bug bites on my toes. They itch. Bug bites must be the most satisfying things to scratch next to chicken pox. To be itchy... such a strange feeling. I know I shouldn't scratch, but I do anyway. To irritate it by scratching is actually remedying my discomfort. No, I don't like getting bitten by these pests of summer, nor do I like the itching sensation associated with them. But if I'm gonna get bit and itchy, I might as well use a "cure for the itch". (Yeah, that's the title to a Linkin Park song.) Anyways...

I slept in this morning, until about 11:20. In all that time I was sleeping, I was dreaming as well. It amazes me how many different dreams I can have in one night, only to remember a select few. And even the ones I remember fade almost as soon as I wake.

One dream left me stranded in Rocky Hill, or so I thought it was Rocky Hill. I think I was at a party on one side of town, while Adam's house was on the other side. I didn't know where I was or where Adam was, but for some reason I had his car. As I crossed the parking lot- which looked like that of a gas station- and left the brick building where the party had been, I came to Adam's little silver Civic. I knew I couldn't stay and that I had to find my way back to his house, but I was scared. I couldn't call him for some reason. So I mustered up what courage I had and started the car.

[Adam drives a standard in real life and that is what it was in the dream. I do not know how to drive standard except for what Adam has taught me so far: how to start the car, how to start moving (which is the hardest part) in first gear, and how to shift into second and third. By no means am I ready to drive on the roads in real life.]

Back to the dream. I started the car, backed out of the parking space, and prepared to move forward. Everything seemed to go smoothly in the dream. No jerking or stalling, but I had trouble shifting because I couldn't see the shift stick. So I had to rely on my knowledge of where each gear was and feel what I was doing. I got out onto the road where the lanes were abnormally wide. It was night time so there wasn't too much traffic, but still enough to make me nervous.

I didn't shift into second until part way down the road when I realized I had forgotten. The RPM gauge was on the five by the time I shifted to second. Everything went smoothly. It didn't even feel like I had to switch between gas and clutch like Indiana Jones (inside metaphor used by me and Adam). Each transition was quick and easy. But when it came to shifting into third gear, I had trouble because I couldn't see if I was pushing the stick over too much or to little. By the time I got it figured out, I was coming to a red light and had to slow to a stop anyways.

I pushed in the clutch, breaked, and shifted back to first gear. I was almost completely stopped, but the light turned green and I was moving again. Back into second gear. I decided to turn onto some side roads, waiting for something to look familiar. Nothing did. I managed to get up some small hills in second gear. I don't really know what that means or if it's possible. I have yet to learn what gears to use in certain situations. Well, as lost as I was in the dream, I felt quite good about my first road adventure driving standard.

Eventually, I was back on the main street, driving in one of the many lanes. There were mostly green lights all the way down. Then for some reason, one of my youth leaders, Pastor Chris, was walking around in the middle of the street in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet. He was smiling contently as I slowed down to see what he was doing. I was suddenly outside the car, talking to him, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying. Then it kind of ended. The dream, I mean.

The funny thing, though, is that during that dream there was another completely different dream going on. So there were two dreams sort of interlaced. I don't really remember what the other dream was about, something with my friends at a party I think. Anyways, the way it worked was that I would be in one dream for a little while, then randomly switch to the other and pick up exactly where I left off. Kind of like a movie or show where you get to see what's going on in two differnt places at the same time. Kind of a two-in-one dream.

The dream following those took place in my room. My friend, Wayne, came to visit me. He came to see how I was doing because we haven't reallly hung out all summer. He also came to get a CD that I had borrowed from his dad, which reminded me that he still had a CD and a book of mine. So I gave him back was was his, and we went out to his car to get what was mine. Then we went back to my room. I went to sit on my bed but somehow miscalcutated where the edge was and fell on the floor. We both laughed and laughed and laughed, until the dream ended soon after. I woke up thinking it was 3PM, but it was only eleven something. I was reminded by the dream that I have to call Wayne because he actually does have my stuff.

Dreams are wierd.